MOTHERS AND CHILDREN
The more I watch Brookside, the more I’m convinced that the worst possible thing to be on the show, is a kid. Just imagine the sort of mother you might end up with on Brookside, which has produced some truly awful maternal specimens of late.
Arguably, the best mother was Jackie Corkhill, who would fight to the death for her witless brood. And how did they repay her? Lindsey used her as a personal slave-cum-babysitter and spent the last six months of Jackie’s residence on the show, treating her mother, at best, like a piece of stale shit.
Just take a walk about The Parade and Close for some truly abysmal examples of mothering.
Bev: Bev can’t cope with Josh. Josh is pretty awful because Bev can’t cope with him. She’s never been able to cope with him since the day he was born. He was ‘coped with’ as an infant with Ron Dixon’s money and time, but the minute Bev left Ron’s life with Josh in tow, she simply couldn’t cope. He ended up in care, until Ron, yet again, managed to lie to Social Services in order to get him back for her. Then when she was, in her words, minted, she spent all her spare time propping up the bar in Bar Brookie whilst the kid was left in the expert hands of drug dealers, ex-cons and inexperienced people.
Now, faced with having to work for a living and pay her way, she’s up against an eight year-old sociopath. Bev’s idea of good mothering is to smother the little thug with toys to keep him out of her lush hair. In doing that, she feels she’s making Josh her ‘priority’ (a favourite word of hers) and being ‘a good mother’.
Sammy: Sammy’s spent all her daughter’s life putting Sammy first. She’s even managed to forget she has a kid long enough to go off on holiday and leave her alone in a flat for two days on her own. As soon as she acquired a husband wealthy enough, the daughter was despatched forthwith to boarding school and promptly forgotten. Now she wonders why Louise doesn’t want to know her. As far as Louise is concerned, Sammy is a bottomless pit, existing only to fulfill her greedy and selfish needs. To paraphrase the Harry Chapin song, Louise has grown up just like Sammy.
Jacqui: What can we say about Madam? Madam talks a good talk about wanting to be a full-time mum and then bolts at the first hurdle. She wants it all and she has it. Two successful business, a husband in his dotage and two kids who not only play quietly but STAY quietly as well. She bounces them off the first person available and throws money at them in an effort to buy their affection and loyalty. She would be better off, quite honestly, with Barbie and Ken dolls.
Happy Smiling Helen: What can you say about a woman who lectures her long-lost father about the virtues of honesty, praises an ex-scally druggie, convicted criminal and thief for his honesty and then lies to her 12 year-old daughter about taking a trip to Iceland in search of her birth mother, only to nip around the corner for a week-long sexual jolly with the same scally? Who’s minding the kid?
Ma Gordon: The newest member of the club has managed to raise four abysmal kids. She’s condoning the adultery of her oldest daughter to the extent that she allows the man who broke the marriage up to cohabit with the daughter under her roof, her second daughter and two sons are shallow, lazy, and rude to anyone and everyone. They shout incessantly and give no one any respect. Hasn’t she raised them well?
If this lot be representative of mothers in Liverpool, I’m only thankful I don’t live there.
At the beginning of another day, Brigid, dressed in a Jackie Corkhill original bathrobe (my, how Jackie’s legacy lives on!), steps from one of the Muddie bedrooms en route to the bathroom. As she enters the hall, she’s made aware of a brassed-voice argument coming from Dire and Marty’s room. Pausing to listen, she recognises that they are arguing about the fact that Brigid is staying with them.
Marty is fed up with her presence. Dire screams back that they can’t really throw her own mother into the street.
Next door at Hotel Corkhill, the post has arrived. The Sage thumbs through the pile and suddenly comes upon an unusual letter.
Meanwhile, Tim’s up and about early, with his vanload of builders’ rubbish. He’s lurking around a building site, dumping the rubbish into quarry holes.
Ron Dixon’s an early bird too. He stands on the pavement outside Number 7 and hands a wad of cash over to another example of the Brookside Hand, who’s just delivered four washing machines to Ron’s premises. Ron smiles in satisfaction.
Back at Sitcom House, Marty and Dire Muddie have taken their argument into the sitcom kitchen. Marty doesn’t MIND Brigid staying one night, he says, even two, but how long is she planning on staying, for Christ’s sake?
‘SHE’S ME MOOTHER, MARTY!’ Forghorns Dire. ‘I COULDN’T LET HER STAY IN THAT PLACE. WHAT WOULD YER HAVE ME DO - THROW HER INTO THE STREETS?’
Marty maintains, in his usual QUIET way, that Brigid is proving to be in the way. He’s always tripping on boxes or cases left in the hall upstairs. And then there was the question of the kids -
THE KIDS AREN’T COOMPLAININ’ announces Dire.
What about Antony, having to sleep in the conservatory? Counters Marty.
ANT HASN’T COOMPLAINED, asserts Dire. IN FACT, WHY DOESN’T MARTY ASK HIM IF HE MINDS? IN FACT, ASK ALL THE KIDS!
The mystery letter the Sage has received is actually addressed to Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen, although why she should have post sent to her at Jimmy’s address is the real mystery. The letter’s from Iceland.
The Sage benevolently hands the missive to Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen, who’s shaking in HER Jackie Corkhill original bathrobe (or maybe it’s just the whiffy one Jackie left behind). Ooh, she twitters, it’s a letter from her birth mum. She’s scared to open it, she says as she snatches it from the Sage’s hands.
She tears open the envelope and reads the small note. It’s not from Sylvia Morgan, but rather from Bard Johannesen, who’s supposedly her husband. The note merely states that he’s very sorry, but his wife isn’t the Sylvia Morgan for whom Helen was looking. (So ... Are we to assume that Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen was swanning off to Iceland to disrupt another person’s life the way she disrupted Ray’s? Is this woman selfish or what?)
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen looks crestfallen as she remarks that it looks as though she was off on a wild goose chase.
The Sage pronounces that he, at least, was glad she didn’t go to Iceland, and they engage in the grossest of snogs.
Pure shit.
Rabbity Ruth Gordon is struggling with Luke the bunny, another ineffectual and selfish mother. Ma Gordon calls out to her from clearing the breakfast table, asking if Rabbity Ruth would mind picking up some milk after dropping Luke the bunny at nursery, which must cost a woman with no visible means of support some money. Luke spilled the last bit of milk, she says.
Rabbity Ruth, who’s becoming Lindsey with a snotty nose, replies that she can’t do that. She’s got a job interview at Bar Brookie, which only the week before wasn’t hiring any more staff - or at least it wasn’t hiring Mike Dixon.
Oooh, remarks Ma, that would be handy.
Well, preens Rabbity Ruth, licking the snot from her upper lip with her tongue, she intends to pay her folks rent whilst living there. (Yeah, yeah ... Pull the other one.)
Ron and Raymundo are inspecting the four washers recently delivered, which still stand on the pavement. Mike Dixon joins them from the house. Ron asks Ray what he thinks of the washing machines. Ray eyes them critically, observing that they’ve all seen better days.
Mike tells Ray that he told his dad he would be better off buying new from a shop.
Ron maintains that the machines are in fine working order.
Ray rubs the back of his head and ruminates that Jessie won’t be too fond of the noise the machines would make.
Well, Ron replies, the Hiltons won’t have to put up with the noise for long, seeing as the bungalow was nearly finished. Ron suggests that the three men help move the machines into the kitchen. As Ray bends down to help Ron pick up a machine, he spies Happy Smiling Fatarse Helen’s car parked on the Close.
He points it out. She must be at Jimmy’s, he says straightening up and starting to walk across the Close. He shouts to Ron that he needs to have a word with Helen and that he won’t be long.
As he leaves Ron and Mike to shift the machines, Ron’s clearly disgusted by Ray’s desertion.
‘I can tell yer what,’ he vows to Mike. ‘They can get their laundry doon at a launderette!’
Rabbity Ruth leaves Bar Brookie, showing us her enormous Bugs Bunny teeth, smiling protuberantly. She pulls out the ubiquitous mobile and phones her mother. She got the job, but she needs Ma to look after Luke the bunny for an hour or so. She needs to return to her marital home to get a pair of dark trousers, which she’ll need for work.
Ma’s worried that the hapless Sean might put in an appearance.
Rabbity Ruth snorks back some green snot. Oh, no, she assures her mother. She’s quite safe in the daytime, as he’s out at work. She’ll take a taxi there and back.
Ray’s now seated at the Corkhill table, with Happy Smiling Fatarse Helen. Jimmy brings two mugs of tea and places them on the table, before wedging in the small space between Helen and Ray. Helen, for some reason, is remarkably short with Ray. As he finishes reading the letter she’s handed him, she snaps that Ray’s said his piece, now it was obvious that this wasn’t THE Sylvia Morgan she was seeking.
Ray shakes his head slowly. It does seem, indeed, that Happy Smiling Fatarse Helen is destined never to meet her real mother.
Surprisingly, the Sage agrees with Ray.
Happy Smiling Fatarse Helen stonily observes that she’s disappointed that this search came to such an abrupt end.
Well, says Ray, rising to leave, maybe it’s for the best. Maybe now Helen could leave that all in the past and get on with her own live, he adds pointedly, taking his leave.
After he’s gone, Happy Smiling Fatarse Helen whinges about her disappointment, until the Sage puts on his detective hat and makes a pertinent remark. One thing struck him as strange about the letter. Why did Sylvia Morgan’s husband respond to a letter written to Sylvia?
Hmmm ........
Ray returns to Ron and Mike, who are just about to lift the last machine into the house. Ron sarcastically thanks Ray for all his help. As Ray stands by, Ron tells him and Mike that, the next thing on the agenda is to ensure that the machines are plumbed in properly. In order to do that, Ron continues, he’s hoping to get a professional to do all the necessary plumbing. As he says this, Ray puffs out his chest, mutely offering his services; but at the same moment, Nick the Builder passes through the Close.
Ron calls out to him, asking him if he can spare a few moments to give him a quotation for plumbing in three extra machines.
Ray looks insulted, as Nick the Builder confirms that he’ll pop round Ron’s at lunchtime.
Rabbity Ruth arrives at her marital home. It looks like a nice house in a nice neighbourhood. She glances around suspiciously as she puts the key in the door. Stepping inside to the lounge, she notices that the hapless Sean is less than tidy. She goes into the kitchen, where the camera lingers on a child’s drawing attached to the fridge, stating ‘I love Mummy and Daddy.’
Happy Smiling Fatarse Helen and the fathead Sage are wedged now on the Corkhill sofa, Happy Smiling Fatarsed helen’s brain going into overdrive. Now that the eminently intellectual Sage has brought the fact that Bard Johannesen replied to Sylvia Morgan’s letter to Helen’s attention, she feels unsettled. Maybe she was a tad too hasty in wanting ot go to Iceland to see this woman. Maybe the woman didn’t want to see her after all.
Look at the way she blew up Ray and Jessie’s situation, she remembers.
Jimmy, for one, admits his motives are selfish. He was over the moon when Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen chose not to go to Iceland. But at the end of the day, he hopes she does find her mum.
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen shows the viewers how thick, stupid and deluded she is when she remarks, ‘That’s what I like about you, Jimmy Corkhill. You’re so honest.’
(Excuse me ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA)
Rabbity Ruth goes into the bathroom at her ex-house and clears her things from the cabinet, even taking a loo roll, the mingy bitch. Downstairs, however, the hapless Sean, the result of crossing Gareth Gates with Sid Vicious, enters the house to collect something he’s forgotten. As he gathers the articles he needs, he hears a noise upstairs.
Lying close at hand in the lounge, is a hammer, which everyone has as a decorative accoutrement in one’s front room. The hapless Sean grabs it and creeps upstairs, where he finds Rabbity Ruth packing her clothes in their bedroom. She sees the hammer in his hand and gives a little bunny hop of fright.
The hapless Sean looks pitiful and explains that he heard noises and thought that she mght be a burglar. Rabbity Ruth looks uncomfortable in his presence and explains that she’s only returned home for some clothing. She makes a dash for the door, carrying the bag of clothes, but the hapless Sean stops her from leaving.
She pushes past him and runs downstairs, as he follows.
As she tries to get to the front door, the hapless Sean remarks that he goes away to work in a job which pays well and which means a better life for them and returns to find his marriage in tatters. It seems that Rabbity Ruth is one canting bitch of a liar. It seems, viewers, that whilse the hapless Sean was away, Rabbity Ruth had actually been playing away but on a home pitch, so to speak, with Dan the Man. Sean accuses her, rightly, of carrying on behind his back.
Rabbity Ruth looks shame-faced. It’s not easy for her, she tells him. After all, SHE’S the bad guy in this situation. She bolts for the door. Sean shouts that he wants his son.
Rabbity Ruth shouts stupidly that Sean’s got the house. (What a compromise!) Sean grabs her bags, telling her that if she leaves, she leaves with nothing.
She follows him into the lounge where he shows her a picture of himself with her and Luke the bunny. They were happy then, he points out. Rabbity Ruth accuses him of living in the past (which is exactly what she’s doing with Dan the Man). It’s simply too late to make their marriage work.
The hapless Sean loses all dignity and begs her to come back. She refuses.
Sean then whinges about the fact that all the time he was sending money home to her, she was subsidising Dan the Man and having a good time. Why, she even bought clothes for him and tried to tell Sean that she bought those clothes for him, whenever he returned. They were the style of clothing he would never wear. (It has to be said, that the hapless Sean’s face is pierced in various places). Again, he reiterates that if Rabbity Ruth goes, she goes with nothing. He calls her a slag and tells her to let her loverboy buy her new things.
She darts from the house ,with the hapless Sean telling her to tell Dan the Man that Sean would see him dead. (Oh, no, here we go again!)
Meanwhile, back on the Close, Ron Dixon’s up to something. He’s in back of Numbers 7 and 8, and he’s dug a small hole at the back of Number 8, where the main electric cable comes out of the house. Not only that, but he’s managed to uplift all the paving between the two houses under which the electric cable runs. He’s traced a main cable from Number 8 and has drilled a small hole through the masonry in Number 7, through which he’s about to thread the cable in question. All this is interrupted by the sudden appearance of Mike, which gives Ron a visible start.
‘Yer nearly frightened me ter death,’ states Ron, who then promptly tells Mike to go inside Number 7 and be prepared to take the end of the cable Ron’s trying to thread through the hole. Soon after Mike disappears inside, Ron starts pushing the cable through the hole, when suddenly Nick the Builder pokes his head over the top of the fence and calls out Ron’s name.
Ron nearly jumps out of his skin, dropping the cable and jerking upright. ‘Bloody Nora!’ He exclaims, upon seeing that the culprit is Nick. ‘Yer wanna watch how yer go round like that. I got a dodgy ticker, yer know.’
Nick is looking quizzically at Ron’s activity, but he resists asking him what he’s doing. Instead he informs Ron that he’s had a gander at the plumbing job and with materials and labour needed, he could do the job for £150.
Ron approaches the fence. ‘Now yer really tryin’ ter give me a heart attack!’ Exclaims Ron.
Nick now points to the cable Ron’s threading and asks what he’s doing.
Joost soom minor alterations, replies Ron, craftily.
‘It looks well dodgy ter me,’ remarks Nick, who refuses to budge on the price.
Rabbity Ruth hops frantically home. As she enters Bicker-Bicker House, Ma Gordon, who seems to spend all her day at home sitting around, greets her with congratulations on procuring such a sought-after job as barmaid. But she sees Rabbity Ruth is upset, because the snot is just pouring from her nose.
Rabbity Ruth wastes no time in telling her mother that Sean kicked off as soon as he realised she was in the marital home. He called her a slag, she whines, careful to give only HER version of events. Not only that, she continues, but he vowed to kill Dan. Oh, woe is Rabbity Ruth, she wails, when is this going to end?
(Er, it might end when people know exactly what the truth is behind your break-up and when you see Dan the Man for the lazy bounder that he is).
Ma Gordon soothes her daughter and tells her that Dan the Man phoned to say he’s coming right over.
Dire and Brigid are sitting around the sitcom table in the sitcom kitchen. Brigid is a bit sniffy and tearful, confessing to Dire that she thinks she’s in the way of the family whilst she remains there. It’s not her right to impose on her daughter’s family.
Dire scoffs at the idea, wondering what’s brought all this reaction on.
Brigid supposes that she’s feeling a bit vulnerable. Actually, she admits, she’s simply feeling OLD.
WELL, booms Big Dire, THAT’S TER BE OONDERSTOOD. AFTER ALL, BRIGID’S BEEN FORCED OUT OF HER HOME AND SHUNTED FROM PILLAR TER POST.
Brigid points out that her own mother never had to endure such things. But of course, she adds, in those days most people were dead before they reached Brigid’s age, lucky buggers.
Big Dire insists that Brigid is still young.
What does she have to show for all her sixty-odd years? Asks Brigid wearily. Does she have her own home? No, she says, answering her own question. Does she have her own money? Again, no. In short, she’s got nothing of note to leave Dire.
Dire points out that Brigid still has her. (As Brigid stated, she has nothing).
Brigid admits that she sometimes wonders and feels guilty that she held Dire back because of her own beliefs. Before Dire can say anything further (a rarity, as she always gets the last word), Brigid rises and leaves the room, saying that all of a sudden she has a splitting headache and wants to lie down.
Dan the Man has arrived on the scene and he and Rabbity Ruth snuggle up on the ubiquitous Gordon telly sofa. Ruth wastes no time in immediately suggesting that the couple find a flat together. After all, she’s got a stupendously well-paid bar job now and could contribute to the rent.
Dan the Man, however, is noticeably, visibly reluctant to commit to such a notion. He virtually recoils at the suggestion. He manages to come up with the lame excuse that it’s ‘too soon’ after Sean for Ruth to think about moving in with anyone.
But, Rabbity Ruth whines, snorking back her green snot, she loovs him and wants to be with him. Suddenly, an idea occurs to her. Why doesn’t Dan the Man move in with the Gordons? There’s nothing to stop him living here with her. Why, she’d have a word with her mother right away. And with Bitch leaving shortly on her gap year travels, they could have her room.
Dan the Man looks as though he would like to puke at such a suggestion.
Tim has just finished dumping some more builders’ rubble at the site, when he turns around to face two beefy construction workers, looking ominously at him.
As Ma Gordon attempts to hang curtains, Rabbity Ruth offers a rare helping hand, used as an excuse to make a request. Oooh, did Ma Gordon know that Rabbity Ruth and Dan the Man were thinking about getting a flat together?
Oh, aye? Responds Ma, sceptically.
Well, not right away, amends Rabbity Ruth, not meeting her mother’s eye. But until the time they’d saved up enough for a deposit, SHE thinks it’s a good idea if Dan were to move in with her at her family’s home. With Bitch off, they could share her room.
(Funny, it never ONCE enters Ma’s mind to remind Rabbity Ruth that she’s still married to Sean and to invite Dan the Man into the family home for co-habitational purposes is to renounce morality per se and openly condone adultery in the eyes of the younger and noticeably less intelligent children of the household. Nice one, Brookside!)
Ooh, begins Ma, uncertainly, she doesn’t mind Dan staying over now and then, but whether or not he could live there depended on Pa’s final word. (Being a Londoner, Pa would know about things like morals).
Rabbity Ruth begs Ma to have a word on her behalf with Pa.
Oooh, all right, agrees Ma reluctantly, but best to let her have a word with Pa on his own.
Give him a cigarette, suggests Rabbity Ruth. That would put him in a relaxing mood.
Ma is not amused.
Inside Number 7’s kitchen, Mike asks Ron about Nick’s quote. Ron admits that Nick quoted him £150 - highway robbery. (Actually, I don't think this is a bad price). Mike maintains that they could do the job themselves for that price.
Ron shakes his head. For this kind of work, he wants a professional. And he’s getting one, for a small backhander.
Who? Asks Mike, puzzled.
Ron points upstairs, mutely acknowledging Ray’s abilities.
Now Mike wants to know what Ron was doing with that cable in the back garden.
Well, Ron begins, Mike’s aware of the fact that Ron doesn’t trust Max, his own son-in-law. In fact, he’s certain that Max has diddled him out of money in the house exchange. So, for Ron, it’s payback time.
Mike doesn’t understand.
‘Let’s joost say that Max Farnham’s going to have one helluva lecky bill very shortly,’ replies Ron, cryptically.
‘Nice one!’ Exclaims Mike, full of admiration at getting back at someone who works hard and is successful.
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen sits on her fat arse at Hotel Corkhill, pretending to read a book. Jimmy, however, is working overtime in the idea department. And he has a whopper! If Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen doesn’t want to stick around the area, why not go away. Why, he and she could have a holiday - even though Jimmy’s not working and only milling a peppercorn rent from Timily and nothing from Jerome Mandingo-Fieldhand-Young-Gifted-and-Black and Dr Nikki.
Yessirree, a holiday! Better than that, a FAMILY holiday, complete with Stephanie, RLindz, Kylie and Wills! Why, he’d pop downtown for some brochures right now -
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen bounces to her feet, the action causing her head to bobble to and fro. Stop! She suddenly exclaims. Jimmy’s going too fast for her liking.
At that moment, a filthy Tim bursts through the door, grinning ear to ear. Did he strike lucky today, he announces, striding past Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen on his way to the kitchen for some water. He thought he was in for a good hiding when he ran into a couple of brickies on the building site, but it turns out they were interested in buying his builders’ rubbish off him.
Jimmy booms ominously that Tim was INTERRUPTING a private conversation.
Tim witters on. He thought the pair were out for a fight, but they wanted to buy his rubbish. He made £50! Why, he reckons he’s onto a good thing as a supplier of builders’ rubble. (A commodity much in demand).
Jimmy clears his throat loudly, in a warning to Tim, who takes the hint and goes upstairs for a bath.
But by that time, Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen is bouncing about the room, gathering her scattering of belongings and muttering about how it’s really time she got back to her own place. She’s not ready for all this yadda yadda.
Having sent Rabbity Ruth and Dan the Man over to Dan’s mother’s house with Luke the bunny, Ma Gordon apprises Pa of the situation that occurred with the hapless Sean and also of Rabbity Ruth’s request that Dan the Man move in.
Pa Gordon shakes his head in wonder, lisping in a whisper that if Rabbity Ruth had thtayed with Dan none of thith would have happened. And now another run-in with Sean.
Ma Gordon asks Pa if he likes Dan. Pa admits that he does.
Ma tells him that Rabbity Ruth wants Dan the Man to move in. The plan for Dan the Man is to get a job, the pair of them save and then move into a flat of their own.
The doorbell rings, and Pa Gordon lumbers to answer it.
It’s the hapless Sean, who demands immediately to see his wife and son. Pa Gordon tells him to thling hith hook, and the hapless Sean replies that what occurs between him and Rabbity Ruth is none of the Gordons’ business.
Pa Gordon punches the hapless Sean, who falls to the ground. That’s two punch-ups in a week. Great record, this. The Gordons are becoming repetitious already.
As the hapless Sean rises to his feet, we hear Luke the bunny squeal ‘Daddy!’ as Rabbity Ruth, Dan the Man and the kid appear. Dan the Man shoots up to the fray and stands opposite the hapless Sean, manfully asking if everyone is all right.
The hapless Sean sneers that he’s brought Loverboy a present. A binbag lies nearby and Sean picks it up, dumping its contents on the ground. They’re Dan the Man’s clothes. Here are a few things Dan the Man had left over at Sean’s house, he exclaims, as Dan the Man looks as though he wishes the earth would open and swallow him. Clothes bought for Dan the Man by Rabbity Ruth with Sean’s money, he adds for good measure.
Then he turns to the assembled Gordons, standing on the doorstep.
‘Yer all in this together!’ He cries, piteously. ‘People like you make me sick!’ And he stalks off to his waiting van, as Rabbity Ruth and Dan beat a hasty retreat inside.
Pa and Ma are left ruminating on the doorstep. Pa makes the monumental decision that he needs a pint, so he’s off to the bar. He tells Ma, however, to give him five minutes and then tell Dan to follow him over. He wants a quiet word.
Ron is having a smarmy chat with Ray. Guess what? He says. He’s decided that he wants someone to install the plumbing for those machines, who knows what he’s doing. Therefore, Ron’s decided that Ray should plumb the washing machines in.
Ray’s not impressed. How much did Nick the Builder quote him? Ray asks, pursing his lips like Norris Cole on Corrie, as he examines the machines.
One hundred fifty pounds, Ron replies.
Hmmm ... Good price, muses Ray.
Well, how much would Ray want? Asks Ron, exasperated.
‘One hundred sixty,’ quips Ray.
Nick the Builder meets up with Katie at Bar Brookie for their planned date. They banter a bit about Katie having to sleep on her decision to see him again. Katie asks how his renovation of the bungalow is going (funny that Nick seems to work on his own - not having anyone else).
It’s nearly done, says Nick. In fact, he’s lucky to have been here to do it at all. He’s normally not in England this time of year. He explains to Katie that he’s part-owner of a bar in Ibiza, with a mate and he spends three months of the year there.
Oh, just like ... Katie begins, but finishes abruptly (and we know she was referring to the sainted Clint).
Nick explains that he spends July, August and September at the bar, but he’s only here this summer because his dad needed him to run the business whilst he recovered from a hip operation. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been there at all.
And he wouldn’t have met her, flirts Katie.
Pa Gordon and Dan the Man enter the bar and select a booth. Bev immediately takes their order. As they wait to be served, Pa Gordon comes straight to the point. If Dan the Man wanted to live with Ruth, he begins, there are a few things he needs to know about their relationship. He asks Dan the Man if he and Ruth actually went behind Sean’s back in re-initiating their relationship. Because if they did, Pa says, he can readily understand Sean’s reaction to the situation.
Dan the Man, effecting wide-eyed innocence, protests that the couple did nothing of the sort. He’s in the middle of protesting furiously when Bev brings them their beers and asks for the five pound fee. As Pa hands the money over, Dan the Man lowers his eyes shamefully and admits that he and Ruth were carrying on behing Sean’s back and in his absence. But he only agreed to the lie, he adds hastily, so Ruth wouldn’t look bad in her parents’ eyes. (Ah, so RUTH thought of the deception. She seems remarkably adept in the art of deception, n’est-ce pas? Please discuss).
Pa Gordon looks sceptical at the admission. He wants no further occurrences of what happened on his doorstep today, or the other day, he warns. And now he really wants to know if Dan the Man REALLY REALLY wants to settle down and live with Ruth and Luke as a family.
‘Not at all!’ Exclaims Dan the Man, suddenly, but seeing Pa’s horrified look, he hastens to explain that what he wants, what he REALLY REALLY wants is to take Ruth and Luke and wing off around the world, rather than settling down in Britain. Why, with his qualifications, he expounds, it would be easy to find work - and excellently paid work at that. There’s plenty of work the world over for a civil engineer.
And what about Ruth? Pursues Pa. Is she really willing to up stakes and muck out with a kid in tow around the world.
Oh, she’s WELL up for it, assures Dan the Man, confidently.
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen is still bouncing frantically, grappling and grabbing strewn belongings together, to the Sage’s utter bewilderment. One needs TIME in which to build a relationship, she admonishes Jimmy, bobbing her head severely.
They have all the time in the world, witters Jimmy, persuasively. And anyway, on holiday, Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen could then tell Stephanie all about her and Jimmy.
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen whirls around and exclaims that she hasn’t even told Steph that RAY was the girl’s granddad yet!
Well, Jimmy remarks piously, the child has a right to know about Ray and about Jimmy.
Ray’s right, mutters Helen, she’s being selfish and she’s denying her child for her own jollies. She looks like a guilty dog caught sucking eggs.
Jimmy starts to protest, but Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen stops him cold. She needs to take this relationship in her OWN time, she declares. If Jimmy rushes things, he risks losing her. (And that’s a lot of lard to lose!)
Arthur Ellison wrote this (and the second half completely destroys Helen’s intentions). Stay tuned.
LET'S AXE CORKHILL!
I'll come straight to the point. I absolutely hate, loathe, detest and despise Jimmy Corkhill. He used to be watchable. He used to be funny. On occasion, he could even be poignant. Admittedly, he presented the trials and tribulations of a desperate, middle-aged scally thief on a downward spiral of drug abuse in an excellently realistic manner. His escapades of upward social mobility were amusing.
But of late, he's become overbearing, smug, arrogant and over-reaching ... And I'll wager the actor's not far off like that in real life too. You see, I'm of the opinion that life has emulated art, and Dean Sullivan has actually BECOME Jimmy Corkhill. And why wouldn't he? It's the only role he's ever played. No one can tell me that William Roache isn't more than a TAD like old Ken Barlow, in real life (albeit in real life, he's about a decade older). You stay in a role long enough and you become dependent on it. It takes over a part of your persona. You forget where Jimmy Corkhill or Ken Barlow or Mark Fowler ends and Dean Sullivan, William Roache and Todd Carty begin.
For some reason, known only to God, er sorry, Phil Redmond, Jimmy seems to have become necessary to the life force of Brookside. He's THERE, LIKE GOD, omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent. He pervades the reality and life space of each character. Before he invaded people's lives by breaking into their houses, or killing off their fathers, sons and lovers. Now he needles in on the whim of psychology.
On occasion, he's taught Adele Murray history (and then held her class hostage to his fallen fortunes), acted as marital advisor to women who should know better (Anthea Dixon and Dire Muddie), supervised Dr Nikki's psychological development and education, awakened her awareness to the plight of the mentally ill, advanced the criminal careers of Plank Muddie and Tim O'Leary, benevolently provided shelter for the homeless (Timily), offered a shoulder to cry on for distressed, single males (Mick Johnson and Ron Dixon), lectured the Close ad nauseam regarding the role of the Royal Family in 21st Century Britain, provided sexual release for lonely, frustrated women (Bev and Helen).
What next lies in store for the Sage of the Close? He can give career advice to Ali Gordon, develop internet businesses with Stewart Gordon, give lectures in politics to that eminent university student, Kirsty Gordon, act as marital advisor to Ruth Gordon and her husband simultaneously, and provide a shoulder to cry on to yet another middle-aged female, Debbie Gordon.
Jimmy is everything to everyone on Brookside. He has, in short, become the Christ of the Close. As juliagerrard on the Official Forum pointed out, he's persecuted, misunderstood and reviled ... Exactly the same tortures suffered by the Son of Man. And, as he is a creation of the Great God Redmond, himself, Jimmy is the Son of God.
But I think he should be terminated. Killed. Taken out. Snuffed. Wasted.
And I'm throwing out a challenge to people to think of ways he might be permanently ended on Brookside.
I call it, the Campaign to Oust Corkhill by Killing, or C.O.C.K. We serious campaigners could make teeshirts, showing Jimmy's smugly Hapsburgian face, with C.O.C.K. emblazoned beneath the image. We could circulate cyber petitions. I suggest we run a contest on Soapbox and Brooksider, with Annabelle and Alan acting as judges, to devise the best leaving plot for Jimmy.
For example, he could be betrayed by his Judas (Jerome) to Ron Dixon (Pilate) as the person responsible for causing Ron's heart attack. He could then be crucified on a Milennium Arch of his making between Stewart Gordon and Dan the Man, whilst Mary Magdalene and St Veronica (Helen and Nikki) warble 'I Don't Know How to Love Him' at the foot of the structure.
Or I favour suicide, myself. Jimmy gets caught exhibiting his inappropriate sexual behaviour to Helen's daughter Stephanie. So overcome with shame at the thought of being branded a paedophile is he, that he takes his own life.
Or perhaps one of the Gordons could kill him. He gets hit by Stewart's basketball, or Alan overdoses him on passive smoking.
The plain truth of ALL this diatribe is simply that time's up for Jim. He's finishes. In actual fact, he should have trundled off to Basingstoke years ago, or swanned off to Newcastle with RLindz and her amazing perpendicular boobs.
But there he remains, the centrifugal force of life on the Close, in Dr Phil's opinion ... And really, that's just a load of old ... C.O.C.K.
As another day begins, the Sage smugly sips a cup of tea.
Happy Smiling Helen, wearing THE Jackie Corkhill prototype bathrobe, chatters happily and bobs her head to her daughter on the phone. As you can see, Happy Smiling Helen made turd's sense of her 'take things slowly I should go home' spiel from the day before. She's gagging for a dick, and she's happy to land and bounce on Jimmy's extension.
At Bicker-Bicker House, the Brookside Bike sits slyly at the state-of-the-art Apple Mac in the room he shares with Ali the Ginger, who's sound asleep in bed. The Brookside Bike, who has a chin to rival Jimmy's, smiles smugly.
Over at Bev's flat, the child from hell, Josh, takes aim at a strategically constructed tower of household items with a huge water pistol. As he fires and hits his aim, Bev emerges from the bedroom, sees what he's about and shrieks his name in a voice filled with horror and threat.
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen chats amiably with Stephanie, who's been palmed off on a mate with the lie that Helen's searching her roots in Iceland, when she's really round the corner having a secret shag with the relevant mental criminal. Oooh, she coos, and did Steph have a nice day in school (bearing in mind that it's the 24th July and schools broke up in the Southeast on the 22nd!)
Jimmy stands apprehensively in the background, nursing his cup of tea.
As the Brookside Bike continues to surf the internet, hoping to download and transmit the lewd pictures of Ron, his ear is unceremoniously grabbed and twisted by his older, ginger brother.
'I told you about using my Internet account!' Ali shouts, twisting his brother's ear and making the Brookside Bike howl even louder. The noise brings Ma Gordon and Bitch's tits, followed close at hand by Bitch, herself, into the room, all demanding to know what's going on at this hour of the morning.
Ali deems the Brookside Bike a sneak, while Bitch takes the Brookside Bike's part and calls Ali a selfish bully.
Honestly, whines Ma, seeking to better herself socially and give herself airs, those two can't go five minutes without fighting. (Indeed, the whole family can't).
Ali the Ginger has flopped sullenly back into bed. When his mother demands that he get up, he sulks that he's under house arrest.
Well, if yer gonna lie there all day, Ma groans, yer can think about earning some mooney! And she turns to leave the room. Bitch sticks her tits into the door frame and tells Ali that he's only sulking because Pa stopped him from associating with his divy friends. Ali should grow up. (And so should Bitch).
Ron and Mike are still working on the washing machines, as Jacqui arrives. It's Jacqui's 26th birthday. Is that right? It has to be as she celebrated her 25th last year, but anything goes on Brookside, so she's probably a phenomenal 18 again! Ron wishes her happy birthday and Jacqui takes a gander at the washing machines.
She's not too impressed that they're second-hand, but still, she remarks, with all four running at the same time, she'd hate to have to deal with Ron's electricity bill. Ron clears his throat uneasily upon hearing that, as Mike, lying on the floor smirks. Then Ron remembers to give Jacqui her birthday present, whilst Mike makes a meal of apologising to his sister for not getting her anything. He would have, you know, and Rachel wanted to but they were so skint yadda yadda ...
Jacqui waves off his excuse and opens Ron's package to find that he's given her a cheap little paperweight, the kind with the little flower inside. Jacqui looks at it in puzzlement, as Ron tells her that he thought it would look nice on her desk.
Jacqui notices Mike fiddling with the plumbing and mentions to Ron that she thought Katie's Nick was supposed to be sorting that out.
'Yeah, well,' begins Ron, 'he SHOULD be nicked, the prices he charges! A hoondred and fifty quid!' Ron then comments on how nice Jacqui looks and asks if she's doing anything special to celebrate her birthday.
Nothing special, she says. She's off out now for lunch and a drink with Katie, but other than that, it's a quiet night in with Max and the kids. Suddenly, her attention is diverted by one of the hoses flooding the floor. Watching Mike deal with the flood, Jacqui is concerned and takes Ron aside. She asks him in whispers whether he's seriously considering taking Mike on as an employee.
Ron assures her that he isn't.
'Dad, yer know what he's like,' Jacqui admonishes. 'And he'll only let yer down.'
Ron calms her and assures her that, until he has his own premises, he's strictly a one-man band.
'I hope so, fer your sake, Dad,' Jacqui warns him.'Yer simply can't afford ter keep Mike.'
The doorbell rings at Bicker-Bicker House and Bitch follows her tits to the door to answer it. Surprise, surprise! The Brookside Bike has a friend, who really DOES look fourteen years old. He's a reincarnation of Matt Musgrove's mate Bosco - fat, nerdy, with braces. His name is Scott, but everyone else calls him Boz, as in short for Boswell, obviously his surname. He greets Ma Gordon and the Brookside Bike appears. As the two slope off to school (and Boz must have travelled a great distance just to accompany his friend back to their old school), Boz asks the Brookside Bike if he's got the photies of 'Naked Fella and Friend'. The Brookside Bike surreptitiously shows him the enlarged copies, placed inside his jacket.
AND he tells Boz, he's logged onto the website of that Jimmy fella across the Close. It's real weird, and maybe they can do something with the photos there, he suggests.
As they leave, Ma Gordon sets up a nag at Pa about Pa's smoking, as he's frantically searching out a packet of fags. Pa's in a hurry. This is his absolute LAST packet, he promises. (Why isn't he convincing as a smoker? I've known people to quit who haven't put up a fuss like this.) As he's finding the smokes, Bitch and her perpendicular tits waft by, her hair swathed in a bath towel.
(OK, GET READY: PUBLIC HEALTH WARNING ABOUT TO BE AIRED. PAY ATTENTION, PLEASE!)
Bitch stops and leans over her father, dangling her tits in his face. She wants her dad to be around, she says, to see ALL his grandchildren, and the way he's going on about smoking now, he won't be. Then she straightens up from what was a ridiculously yoga-esque poster and follows her tits out of the room.
Pa looks suitably chastened (probably because he got a hard-on having her boobs inches from his face). Anyway, he resumes, he's off.
Ma remarks that, by the fact that Pa's leaving late, he'll probably be working tonight. Ooh, and that's a shame, as she needed to talk to him about Dan the Man.
Oh, well, it's only work, admits Pa, and it's probably ridiculously close by, so he could just 'pop home' for a late dinner, as he'd probably need a break ... As you do.
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen breezes into the Hotel Corkhill kitchen where the Sage is hard at work. She really does need to diet, because her belly is literally hanging over the belt of her jeans like Sinbad of old. Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen demands that Jimmy take her out for the day - perhaps to the Walker Gallery as he's been promising her. Of course, Jimmy's a conoisseur of all things cultural. (If you believe that, you're dumb as Al Shit).
The Sage, however, is having a bout of insecurity. Helen told him earlier she wanted to go home (although she doesn't look like making a move). She wasn't leaving because of Jimmy, was she?
Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen tells Jimmy that she simply misses her daughter. Also, she reiterates about not wanting to rush things and spoil their relationship. Actually, she admits maliciously, she thinks Ray was secretly pleased that the Sylvia Morgan trail appears to have run cold. And thinking about it, she muses, maybe Sylvia doesn't want to be found. Maybe she should leave the past behind and concentrate on the future. (HINT: THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE PROFOUND).
Bev is preparing to leave for work. It's obvious that she either hasn't been able to find a babysitter or simply can't be arsed, because she's leaving the child from hell on his own, and this doesn't look like it's the first time either. She's reading the riot act to the little thug. She reminds him that he's NOT to use the water pistol in the flat. In fact, she's put it away in a safe place. If Josh continues to use it, she warns, they won't go on holiday.
Josh sulks, but Bev pulls his face towards hers to make him listen. She apologises for having to leave him on his own, but she's left him snacks of fruit and crisps if he's hungry. He is NOT to answer the door to anyone, and if he wants to, he can ring her later, but he's not to do that often, because Auntie Jacqui will get annoyed, and she doesn't want Auntie Jacqui on her case.
Ron and Mike, between them, have finally managed to plumb in the washing machines. Ron's now ready to commence his business. AND he's got his first real client, other than the bar, the health club and the restaurant. One of Jacqui's clients wanted his linen done regularly, he brags to Mike.
As the two men walk toward the lounge, Mike harrumps loudly, in an effort to secure payment for his help. Ron feigns reluctance, but hands some funds over to Mike, on the promise that Mike buy his sister a card and some chocolates. It was a bit remiss of Mike not to have bought Jacqui a present, he scolds.
But he and Rachel were skint, moans Mike. He was jobless, and Jacqui hardly paid Rachel well. (Er, sorry, I thought Jacqui paid Rachel 'the going rate' of childcare, which is about £10k per annum). As a matter of fact, Mike adds, he's off down the JobCentre now.
Oh, aye? Asks Ron sceptically, and what's going there? Wanted: Film Director, loads of money, flexible hours?
There were loads of security jobs, Mike begins, but when Ron howls in protest, Mike asks his dad what he expects of him. There's work out there, Mike says. (Too right there is!) And it wouldn't be long before he found something, he's sure of it. But ... until then, he pfaffs, he really DOES need soomthink ter tide him over. Maybe Ron could let him help out with the laundry business -
Ron shakes his head furiously. Sorry. Thanks but no thanks. Ron couldn't afford to employ anyone.
Oh, he'd only help out, Mike protests. And it wouldn't be permanent, like - joost until he found soomthink perr-manent.
Brigid is talking to Bev outside the bar. She's on her way to the salon, where Dire has promised her a free makeover to cheer her up. She and Bev discuss Brigid's near-mugging and how surprised Brigid was that Antony had jumped in and beat the culprits up. She never thought the child had such aggression in him, she remarks in wonder.
It's always the quiet ones who do, Bev asserts.
At that moment, Lance comes along The Parade, carrying his suit. A client spilled brandy down the leg of his trousers, he moans, and he's off to the dry cleaners to get the suit sorted out. The silly sod never even apologised, he continues.
By the way, he asks, how's Josh.
His leg is itching like mad, Bev replies. Josh is now wearing a walking cast. In fact, she continues, she's warned him that he must be on his best behaviour from now on, or he won't be getting holiday. She says her goodbyes and enters the bar, as Brigid and Lance remain outside.
As she leaves, Lance mouths a whisper to Brigid. 'She's got her hands full with that one!' He hisses. (Which is odd, because last year, Lance and Josh were good mates).
'I don't know HOW she copes,' vows Brigid, rolling her eyes upward.
Bitch Gordon's tits stride, followed by their owner, into Ali the Ginger's room and unceremoniously switches off his stereo. She's trying to read, she tells him (and because she's so thick, she needs quiet). Awww, she taunts, is Ali still sulking about not being allowed to see his divvy mates? Is that why he's staying in bed in protest? Isn't it enough that he has to cause their parents more grief, when they were already stressed out by Ruth?
It's a pity Bitch can't leave sooner on her big adventure. He can't wait to move into her room.
As Bitch leaves, she bends her acrobatic tits around the door frame and leans into Ali's room to inform him that Ruth was having her room.
Back at Number 7, Mike is still angling for a job, as he puts the finishing touches on the plumbing. He's still moaning about Gary Parr. Why, if Mike were a professional, he was certain that that Gary Parr would have dealt with him differently.
Ron's not listening. He's distracted about the pipes. Is Mike certain he's plumbed them in securely?
Mike brings up the subject of working for Ron again, but Ron demurs. This is going to be a real struggle for him at first.
Well, Mike continues, speaking rapidly, it would only be temporary, so it wouldn't cost Ron much dough. And besides, how would Ron cope with handling all that lifting and shifting?
And before Ron can open his mouth, he's offered Mike a job.
Josh walks proudly into the lounge of the flat, having retrieved the water pistol from the safe place where Bev had put it.
Meanwhile, Katie arrives at the bar to meet Jacqui, who's seated in a booth by the window, waiting for her. She's carrying a present for Jacqui and the two exchange air kisses, as Katie admires the diamond earrings Max has given Jacqui.
They make up for the lousy cake he gave her for Valentine's Day, Jacqui preens. Besides, he can afford to give her expensive presents.
Katie asks what Ron gave her. A paperweight, Jacqui replies flatly. And she got nothing at all from Mike and Rachel. Oh, she knows that Mike has no job, so she didn't expect anything. But she WAS surprised that Ron was trusting Mike to help with the plumbing in of the washing machines.
Katie remarks that Nick the Builder said that Ron was too tight to pay for him to do it. AND he gave Ron a good price and all.
Jacqui asks after the progress of Katie's romance with Nick. Has Nick let Katie examine his toolbox? She jokes.
Katie looks hesitant. She doesn't think this romance will work out, she admits. Jacqui, of course, demands to know why.
Katie looks uneasy. Actually, Nick has another job abroad. In fact, he usually spends his summers in Spain at the bar he owns in Ibiza.
Jacqui is impressed and can't understand why Katie's reluctant to know him.
Working in Spain, Katie prods. Does that remind Jacqui of anyone?
Jacqui realises that Katie's referring to the Sainted Clint. But does Katie like Nick? She asks. Katie confirms that she does, just as Bev takes their order, and Jacqui and Katie pretend that they're really at Cafe Nervosa and both order lattes and tiramasu. Bev then takes advantage of Jacqui's good mood to ask if she can pop back upstairs for a moment to check on Josh.
Er, no, actually, she can't, Jacqui replies. The bar IS rather busy at the moment.
Bev leaves, with a downcast face.
'Honestly,' Jacqui huffs. 'The face on that one.' So if Katie likes Nick and Nick likes Katie, Katie should throw caution to the wind and go for it, she advises.
The Sage and his Mary Magdalene have returned from their visit to the museum. Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen exclaims that she hasn't been to a museum since a school trip as a child. Then she has another pang of guilt about Stephanie. Talk about a child never seeing their father, well, Steph hardly sees her mother these days.
The Sage, however, convinces her that she's right to stay with him. Yeuch!
The Brookside Bike and his mate walk along towards the Close, having finished their day at school, which can't be near Manor Park, surely. The Brookside Bike tells his fat friend, Boz, that he's prepared the nude picture of Ron and Bev for downloading onto the internet.
The fat mate plays dumb and asks what purpose that could possibly serve, and the Brookside Bike replies that it would do very well for purposes of bribery, blackmail and general humiliation. Just as they are having a cocky laugh about their project, they spy Ron and Mike approaching from the opposite direction.
The Brookside Bike cockily steps into Ron's path, puts his thugly face close to Ron's and asks if Ron's ever done any stripping.
Ron looks at the pig-shit ignorant, little thug as though he's a cold turd. What does this kid mean? He wants to know.
'You know,' the little arsehole pursues, 'are yer a wallpaper buff?'
'What are you on?' Asks Ron, as the two lads pass on. He wonders aloud to Mike if those two weren't on the 'wacky backy' and expostulates that all kids should be drooks-tested in school.
If this is late at night, then I'm sharing a bed with Johan Cruyff, because Pa Gordon is back for his celebrated late dinner and Katie and Jacqui are still in Bar Brookie with the sun shining (unless it's shining out of Pa Gordon's lard-fat, lager arse). He sits on the ubiquitous Bicker-Bicker sofa, which is wear the family eat, sleep and shit - it seems (to paraphrase the ORIGINAL Bobby Grant in his role as Jim Royle).
Pa Gordon holds a packet of ciggies, in which there is one left. Ma tells Pa about the day's happenings in the Bicker-Bicker household. Surprisingly thick-headed, she whines to Pa that she thinks the main problem with Ali the Ginger is that he doesn't want to share with the Brookside Bike.
Pa Gordon heaves a long sigh and gazes lovingly at his packet of fags. (There's a double entendre in that, but I won't even go there, and I wonder if anyone else has noticed something about Pa too). Now is NOTa good time to stop smoking, he says, wistfully. He asks where Rabbity Ruth is, and Ma tells him that she's out with Dan the Man. And did she say anything more about the situation that occurred with the hapless Sean? Pa wants to know.
Ma tells Pa that Rabbity Ruth is just like Pa, which probably means that Pa had a noseful of snot when Ma met him, but she qualifies the statement by saying that Ruth holds all her emotional outbursts in check - a stiff, upper lip (from dried, coagulated snot), in other words. (If Pa Gordon is like this, it's because, you dim bitch, he is a Londoner). Pa retorts that Ruth's behaviour was better than Ali's, who rants and raves like Ma (because Ma is a Scouser - see the difference?)
Mike enters Bar Brookie and makes a beeline for the table where Katie and Jacqui sit. He's carrying a birthday card and a box of what appears to be Cadbury's Roses. He sits down beside Katie, opposite Jacqui and hands her the gift. Jacqui laughs about having to work off the chocolates at the gym and turns to call out to Bev, ordering three more coffees on the house.
Bev takes the order, managing to convey mutely her misery at not being allowed to pop back upstairs and check on Josh. (Ever notice how Brookside characters do a lot of 'popping'? Lindsey and Jackie Corkhill used to 'pop' home regularly from the garage, Dire Muddie has the art of 'popping' home down to an art, as does Marty. It won't be long, I wager, before ol'Ma Gordon is popping home to check on the Brookside Bike, on Pa's smoking or simply to sit for five minutes on the mingey white trash sofa.)
Jacqui clocks the look on Bev's face and remarks about the miserable gob Bev's got on today. As Mike opens his mouth, ostensibly to speak in Bev's defence, Jacqui anticipates and says that before he starts to go on about his sister playing the big, bad boss, she wants Mike to know politely that she actually gives Bev a lot of leeway.
Katie asks Mike about his job-hunting, and Mike takes extreme pleasure in announcing that he's procured a job, working with Ron in his new laundry business.
Jacqui is astounded and none too pleased. Why, their dad had only just told her he didn't plan on hiring anyone for a long time! This is NOT a good idea, she rants. Mike protests that it's only a temporary measure, just until he finds something more permanent.
Exactly, reiterates Jacqui. And what happens to Ron WHEN Mike finds that other job? He's left in the lurch. Besides, Mike would only take advantage of his position as Ron's son whilst working for him.
Mike's insulted by his sister's home truths and calls out to Bev that he'll have his coffee at the bar and stalks off in that direction.
Jacqui shakes her head, knowingly, at Katie. There he goes, she mutters, and she supposes he and Bev will be taking great pleasure in having a moan about her this very instant.
Katie tries to calm her down, by assuring her that Mike and Bev won't be doing that, although she knows it's true.
She's only looking after her father's interests, Jacqui insists. Mike admitted that once he found a better job, he'd leave Ron to it. Oh, she was sick of the whole ordeal, and most of all, she was sick of being considered by other people as a hard-faced bitch. She did have feelings. And did Katie realise what Ron had given her for her birthday? A poxy paperweight, she says. How was that?
Katie calmly tells Jacqui that Jacqui was ambitious and she worked hard. People see her success and are jealous. Not everyone is as driven as Jacqui.
Jacqui eyes Mike and Bev, deep in conversation at the bar, and suspects that they ARE, indeed, talking about her. Is she really that bad? She asks Katie.
Katie tells Jacqui that Jacqui judges others by her own high standards. She's always done that, and she'll never change.
(Tell me something, honestly. After all that's transpired in the past year, does the Jacqui-Katie friendship still ring true? I mean, would you entertain a friendship with someone like Katie, after all she'd done in the past year to defame your character?)
Mike and Bev are, indeed, having a moan about Jacqui. Bev moans about Jacqui not allowing her to check on Josh. Why, all that was calculated, speculates Bev, to make Jacqui look like a wonderful mother and Bev look like a lousy mum. (Er, actually, I'd say that one was about as awful as the other). Mike nods in agreement. And Jacqui was great on playing the dutiful daughter too, he adds.
Meanwhile, Bev sighs in self-pity, she was left all on her own to cope with her child, receiving no help and support from anyone. (Actually, I think that the Dixons are doing their fair shake of helping out with Josh, although Mike SHOULD be made to level some financial support). She simply had to pop back upstairs to see how Josh was coping.
Upstairs in a darkened room at Bicker-Bicker House, the Brookside Bike masturbates furiously ... Er, no, actually, he doesn't; but he probably does, although if Brookside ran a storyline of that proportion, he'd end up blind. He sits in front of the state-of-the-art computer screen, with his fat mate at his side.
They've logged onto Jimmy's website and are visually devouring its contents.
That Corkhill sounds a real yeti, the Brookside Bike observes. He's of a mind to send him an e-mail telling him how great his site is.
Won't he suss who the e-mail's from? Asks fat friend Boz.
There are ways of disguising that, the Brookside Bike says knowingly. He clicks on the page which relates the murder of Trevor Jordache. The Brookside Bike becomes unreasonably excited about the fact that so gruesome a murder took place in the house. He recalls his Bitch sister saying as such, but he didn't believe her. Hey, it says that the body remained buried under the patio for about a year.
Fat friend wonders what kind of place the Brookside Bike had moved into. The Brookside Bike says he aims to find out, and e-mails Jimmy.
Lance has returned from the dry cleaners with his suit in tow, coincidentally, just at the same time Brigid has emerged from Dire's salon, having had her free make-over. Lance compliments her effusively, asking if she plans to go out on the tiles that night to celebrate her new look.
Well, only to the bingo, says Brigid primly.
Lance jokingly suggests that she find a fancy man and come to the restaurant to show off her new look that night and Brigid preens.
Upstairs above them on Bev's balcony, and unbeknownst to them, Josh takes deadly aim with the water pistol. He shoots ... He SCORES! He rains water down onto Brigid's head and down the side of Lance's newly-cleaned suit. Brigid's bouffant is flattened.
Surprisingly, as he appears - like God - to be omnipresent, the Sage was within the restaurant with Happy Smiling Fatarsed Helen. As they leave, they witness the dousing of Lance and Brigid. Rather cruelly, I think, they laugh mercilessly at the two bedraggled people, Jimmy jokingly asking them if it were raining. (This is totally incongruous to his image as a caring, sharing male).
Brigid spits out that the damage was caused by Bev's hooligan upstairs. (An apt description).
She and Lance then storm into the bar, finding Bev in the middle of serving.
'Just LOOK what your little horror has done!' Shrieks a dripping Brigid.
Bev is shocked, but disbelieving, as Jacqui and Katie peer around the corner at the scene and exchange giggles. Bev asks Brigid how she knew Josh was responsible.
Lance replies that they saw him standing on the landing, after the fact, with the offending water pistol.
Bev begins to apologise profusely, but Brigid won't hear it. Not only that, she adds, but Bev will have to pay for the damage done to her new coiffure, and for a new re-style.
'Boot Di did that fer free!' Wails Bev.
'It's the principle of the thing!' Sniffs Brigid.
Jacqui, stifling a grin at the scene of Bev's discomfort, tells Bev to sort out her domestic problems out of the public's view, please.
Mike ambles forward to aid Bev, jokingly asking if Josh had tied his babysitter up, in order to get away with such a thing.
Bev shoots him a desperate look and Mike twigs the truth. 'Bev,' he pleads, 'tell me he's not oopstairs on his own!'
Bev wags a warning finger in Mike's face as she dashes out the door. 'DON'T say a word!' She orders.
(WARNING! PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT TO COMMENCE).
Pa and Ma Gordon still remain sitting on the Bicker-Bicker mingy sofa. Ma brings up the subject about Rabbity Ruth wanting Dan to move in with the family. Pa is paying scant attention, as he's fondling his last remaining cigarette. As he half-listens to Ma's request, he grants it. Dan the Man can take up residence, although it's crowded enough as it is.
Well, whines Ma, Bitch and her two tits will be leaving shortly. They could have her room. (Doesn't it say something curious about Ma Gordon's morals that she would let her daughter, an instigator of an adulterous liaison, openly practice this adultery under her roof with her underage children?)
Pa Gordon sighs wistfully. Those kids have been the bane of their lives, he says, rubbing the cigarette. But he'd happily go through it all again with the grandchildren. Something the Bitch had said that morning got him thinking, about how he might not be around to see his grandchildren grow up. He's going to give up smoking, he vows, for his grandchildren's sake. Hence, this beauty would be his last cigarette.
(Puke! Such sentiment! And people accuse Americans of being cornily sentimental and maudlin!)
Bev explodes into her flat, shrieking for Josh and finding him standing guiltily in the middle of the lounge, still clasping the water pistol. She rips it from his grasp as he immediately susses that his fate is sealed and that it's not a pleasant one.
Before she can say more than his name, he starts wailing, 'I'm sorry!'
'What did I say about this?' Shouts Bev, brandishing the water pistol. 'Now it's going straight in the bin!'
She grabs him by the arm and gives him a shake, as Josh continues to cry, 'I'm sorry!'
'Sorry isn't good enough!' Scolds Bev, viciously. 'Yer coulda ruined Lance's suit and Brigid - Brigid's an old lady! She doesn't need this kinda bother! Now yer've ruined it! Yer can forget about any holiday!'
When he hears that, the spoiled, little brat lunges violently at Bev, beating her with his fists and shouting that he hates her. Reacting instinctively, Bev draws her right hand back and backhands the little thug across the face.
Josh is shocked. His hand held to the cheek that was slapped, he runs - surprisingly dexterously for someone with a broken leg - around the back of the breakfast bar.
'GET TER YOUR ROOM!' Bev bellows, in a voice that would make Dire Muddie sound positively demure.
Josh scurries off, wailing.
(WARNING! PUBLIC HEALTH ANNOUNCEMENT ABOUT TO CONTINUE!)
Ma and Pa Gordon remain rooted to the mingy sofa. Pa is fondling his cigarette in such a way that I imagine if he stood up, we'd be treated to the repulsive sight of a hard-on. His last thigarette! He lisps, hungrily. Surely Ma wouldn't object to him having his last thigarette in the comfort of his lounge.
Ma peremptorily orders him out to the garden. After all, she scolds piously, it's a bad idea to relish one's last cigarette. The only memory one will then have of smoking is of the pleasure it caused. It will make the act of stopping sound as though it was forced on the quitter. The desire to quit has got to come from Pa or else this WON'T be his last cigarette.
(Thank you, Mrs Chomedley-Warner).
When was the last time Pa smoked? She asked.
Pa, who seems to have forgotten that he was supposed to be working nights and therefore, shouldn't be there at all (Ah, Brookside consistency - maybe he just 'popped' home), remembers that he lit up as he was leaving work. He had to smoke a bit as he dashed down the stairs and he hadn't finished by the time he reached his car. He was out of breath. He daren't smoke in the car, because of the smell, so he ended up stubbing it out, half-smoked.
So, reiterates Ma, in a curiously schoolmarmish voice, Pa couldn't smoke the previous cigarette because he was out of breath and didn't want to stink up the car - the breathlessness was obviously a side effect. Now, what does that tell Pa?
Pa holds up his last cigarette and ceremoniously breaks it.
(This public service announcement is like preaching to the mentally impaired - who seem to be the only people about these days who like Brookside!)
Mike has followed Bev up to her flat and sits beside her on the sofa, his arm around her shoulders as she weeps against him. There was no need to get so oopset, Mike soothes her. Josh hadn't really done anything that bad. Why, he remembers squirting people with squeezy bottles when he was a kid.
But Josh KNEW what he was doing, sobs Bev. He knew exactly what he was doing and to whom when he doused Lance and Brigid and he didn't care! Oh, it's true! He's out of control and there was nothing she could do about it! And it's true that she's a bad mum! Why, if the authorities knew she'd been leaving Josh on his own, they'd have him off her again!
That won't happen, Mike assures her.
But if he gets any worse, she wails, she truly WON'T be able to cope. Oh, what is she going to do! She wails, laying her head against Mike's shoulder.
Roy Boulter wrote this ... He's one of the better writers, which means Uncle Phil probably had a hand in the public service announcements.
Summary © 2002 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2002