Thursday 13th June 2002

BROOKSIDE FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES

OK, here’s a question, posed from genuine curiosity. Did Britain ever get the US comedy series I Love Lucy? It is as much a part of US culture as Dad’s Army is of British culture. It ran throughout the Fifties, and it’s still in syndication today and just as funny now as when it was first broadcast, which was well before MY time, I might add.

Five generations of Americans have grown up laughing to the antics of Lucille Ball and her real-life husband Desi Arnaz (yes, they are the parents of Lucie, who appeared on the West End stage in The Witches of Eastwick.) The basic plot - and it was a sitcom that would make the Muddies bleed - concerned Ricky Ricardo, a Cuban bandleader and his ditzy ginger-haired wife, Lucy. Lucy always reckoned that she was as talented as Ricky and was eager to make it big on a level with him - either in show business or in another realm.

One episode concerned Lucy trying to write a book, a thinly disguised version of her life with Ricky (called ‘Micky Micardo’ in her work of fiction). Whenever she would let either her husband or one of their mates read a section of the book, they got angry at their fictitious depictions, but figured that the work was so bad it would never get published. Well, Lucy finishes the book (all in thirty minutes, mind you, with commercials) and duly sends it off to a publisher.

You can imagine the surprise when the publisher writes back, with a modest cheque for Lucy, informing her that they did, indeed, wish to publish her work - but not all of it, merely a few chapters. Why? Because they were compiling a text book for a university course in creative writing, and they wanted a couple of chapters from Lucy’s opus ... As an example of how NOT to write a novel.

That’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that Brookside should NOT be axed from Channel 4’s schedule. Channel 4 is supposed to be sort of a commercial version of BBC2, n’est-ce pas? And this means, with its plethora of documentaries and Dr David Starkey, Channel 4 serves an educational purpose. Maybe Brookside should be retained and shown in university writing courses throughout the land, evidence of how NOT to write a screenplay or telescript. The subject of continuity could be explored in depth - in fact a whole term could be devoted to it. Then there are the questions of adequate research et al. It could also be shown in drama classes as an example of bad diction and delivery.

The possibilities are endless.

Brookside should be saved for that reason, alone. It could do for university writing and drama classes what John Cleese did for training videos in the 1980’s.

Think about it.

Last Thursday’s episode found Brookside delving into the future again. 13th June, for all intents and purposes, became 16th June - and Father’s Day.

Dr Parr and Gaby the Grin aren’t speaking, just exchanging dirty looks.

Bev is in her flat, examining a birthday card she’s received for her 30th birthday. She gazes in the mirror, as if she’s expecting to find her face covered in wrinkles.

The camera then pans back from three Father’s Day cards on a windowsill, and we see Jimmy on the telephone, looking disappointed.

Another shot of several more Father’s Day cards, and we see Ray standing on his own in the Dixons’ lounge.

Back at the Parrs’ flat, Gaby deigns to speak to Dr Gary, reminding him that she’s agreed that they will attend Bev’s 30th birthday party that evening. Needless to say, Dr Parr’s not too enthusiastic about going, given the fact that there’s a good chance that Mike Dixon, as the father of Bev’s child, will attend.

Gaby the Grin is a cruel, hard bitch. She takes a vicious, verbal swipe at her husband, asking if his reluctance to attend would have anything to do with the fact that he’s worried Mike Dixon might be there to take a return punch at the doctor.

(Er, no, Gaby, I’d say he probably doesn’t want to attend, because he’s not accustomed to moving socially amongst a bunch of jumped up trailer trash.)

Dr Parr reminds his wife that it was Mike who started the whole brouhaha, by accusing Dr Parr of all sorts in relation to Beth. In his estimation, Mike was acting like an overgrown child, and he’s not at all surprised at Josh’s conduct, given the way his parents behave in public.

Children would have the decency to apologise to one another, Gaby the Grin barbs.

It’s full house at Hotel Corkhill on Father’s Day. Jimmy puts the phone down with a sad look on his face, being watched like a hawk ready to pounce, by Dr Nikki, who’s in the Hotel Corkhill kitchen. Wills won’t be coming over today, Jimmy informs her, trying to put on a brave face.

Not coming? Repeats Dr Nikki, imitating the parrot that her colleague lost in real life. On Father’s Day? Well, Jimmy should be able to see Wills on Father’s Day.

‘That’s Jackie fer ya,’ mutters Jimmy, bitterly, ‘insistin’ on takin’im down ter her Val’s caravan in Wales.’

Nikki reminds Jimmy that Father’s Day isn’t an easy time for either her or Emily.

Well, anyway, states Jimmy, attempting to brighten up, that’s no reason to cancel his big family dinner he’s cooking, with Happy Smiling Helen as the guest of honour. And there’s Bev’s party in the evening to look forward to and all. As there’ll be plenty to eat, Jimmy invites Nikki and Jerome to partake of the family meal.

Hmmm, Nikki muses, she’s not at all sure if Jerome’s over his sulk yet.

Jimmy can’t believe the young couple’s situation. Are Nikki and Jerome still not talking? Asks the Sage, encouraging them to make up soon.

There’s another shot of the Dixon Father’s Day cards on display. Ron, Ray and Mike are in the lounge. No women are about. Ray asks Ron how Beth is, and Ron replies that Beth is getting better all the time.

Still, Ray finds it odd that Rachel’s chosen not to let Beth spend Father’s Day with either her father OR her grandfather. (This is a very apt observation. Although Rachel MIGHT have trouble dealing with Father’s Day, herself, given her background, she shouldn’t deny her daughter’s recognition of this).

Ron explains to Ray that Rachel has a hard time coping with Father’s Day, due to her past; so she’s taken Beth to spend the day with Sinbad.

Mike remarks that Ray should be getting his first Father’s Day card this year. (He should actually be receiving such cards from his two stepgranddaughters, the selfish bitches).

Ray shakes his head vigorously. He didn’t imagine Helen would even think to do that. She would reserve celebrating Father’s Day for the memory of her REAL dad, the man who brought her up. (Or Jimmy, with whom she’s so stupidly besotted).

Over at Sitcom House, Marty is opening his many Father’s Day cards and thanking all the kids for their efforts. Plank’s off out to buy a birthday card for Bev, whilst Dire is noisily insisting that Marty MUST go with her to Bev’s party that night. Like Dr Parr, Marty doesn’t want to go.

‘BOOT I ENCOORAGED’ERR TER HAVE THE BLOODY PARR-TY, bellows Dire.

Marty doesn’t want to go, and is so distracted by resisting any attempt to persuade him, that he doesn’t notice Plank sneak a piece of bacon over the plate that he’s holding.

***HINT: AMUSING SCENE. EVERYONE LAUGH, PLEASE ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA***

Bev is examining the hand-made birthday card given her by Josh, who’s kicking a football around the flat and screaming, ‘Goal for England!’

Bev is touched by Josh’s effort and tells him to put the card on the table by Lance’s card. (Lance gets a mention. OMIGOD! Will someone PLEASE confirm whether or not Mickey Poppins is still a part of the cast?)

Josh tells Bev that everyone else in his class was making Father’s Day cards, but HE chose to make a birthday card for Bev. (Social comment: Poor Josh is fatherless. Bullshit! There are probably scores of kids in Josh’s class who don’t live with their fathers, whose parents are divorced or who never married, and there are probably those who don’t know who the hell their dads were. Doesn’t cut any ice with me, this one, Phil). He asks Bev if Lance is coming to the party tonight.

No, Bev tells him. Lance has to work at the restaurant for Uncle Max and Auntie Jacqui.

Back at Hotel Corkhill, Jimmy tells Dr Nikki that he got a letter from Lindsey along with her card. She’s doing really well and the company in Newcastle that she’s working for is really pleased with her. (What? Managing a health club?) In fact they’re so pleased, they want her to go to the US to train in Chicago. (Now I find this REALLY hard to believe - there is simply no WAY Lindsey, with her criminal history, would be allowed to spend any length of time in the US, especially NOW when everyone is doubly scrutinised before coming there).

Timily are in the middle of the room, with Emily attempting to cut and trim Tim’s hair. Emily announces that she doesn’t think mooch of Father’s Day; it’s joost an excuse to spend mooney.

Tim begins to muse about his father, who died when Tim was young. He was too young to have ever got his dad anything, and he regretted that, just like he regretted having a go at Mel, his young sister, who made a Father’s Day card the year after their dad died, and tried to send it to him in heaven.

There’s always Sinbad, Emily says. Sinbad was like a father to Tim.

And look how Tim treated him, Tim reflects. And he never got Sinbad anything for Father’s Day either.

Emily and Nikki then reminisce about some of the Father’s Days they spent with Greg, how they would pretend to have forgotten and wait until Greg started sulking before giving him his gifts.

Jerome enters the lounge from upstairs, having slept in, but emerging fresh and fragrant and unruffled.

Emily tells him that Jimmy’s making them all a roast dinner for Sunday lunch and reminds him about Bev’s party later on.

Jerome takes Nikki aside and asks her softly if she’s thought anymore about going away with him for the summer.

Nikki glances over her shoulder at her Sage, who’s busy preparing the roast, and hestantly admits to Jerome that she’s not sure.

But why not? Insists Jerome. In fact, why not take a year off and travel the world? Loads of people their age did that (with money, Jerome, yes).

Again, she hesitates.

Jerome softens his persuasive tone. Well, why not just go for the summer then? He asks. Just the two of them., he adds emphatically.

Back at the Dixons’, Ron sits in the background, sorting through the week’s accumulation of junk mail and moaning about a Consumer Survey he’s just received. Useless bunch of tripe, that, he whinges to Ray, who’s standing at the front window, looking out, looking FOR someone.

‘Yer know about these Consoomer Serr-vey t’ings,’ Ron says to Ray, who doesn’t appear to be listening to Ron, just like most of the world. ‘All dey do once yer fill one in, is ply yer wid all dis stoof dat yer doan need er want.’

Ray makes the appropriate acknowledgement sounds, until suddenly he sees Happy Smiling Helen arrive in her car. For a brief moment he looks hopeful, and raises his hand at the window to wave. But the silly bitch doesn’t even look his way or think to do so, making a hypnotic beeline for the shrine of the Sage across the Close.

Ron continues to rant in the background, whilst Ray looks positively stricken.

Happy Smiling Helen walks across the Close, bobbing her head as she walks toward Hotel Corkhill and rings the doorbell. She enters to be boisterously greeted by Jimmy, who announces that everyone present was here to have a Sunday roast together. As he speaks, however, he spills a saucepan of water over the front of his shirt, enabling Helen to fuss over him. (Make a mental note of this moment. Brookside likes it. They’ll use it again in a future episode.)

Next door at Sitcom House, Big Dire is just finishing a telephone conversation with Brigid, who’s reported that Antony, for whom she’s babysitting, is unduly quiet. That reconstruction’s got to him, remarks Marty, reluctantly getting ready for Bev’s do.

‘IT’S BECUZ’E FEELS RESPONSIBLE,’ Dire declaims. ‘’E’S THAT SORTA CHILD.’

Antony’s analysis sorted, she turns her attention to whingeing about Adele and this Ayia Napa holiday. Again, Dire repeats to Marty that one of the juniors at the salon told Dire that she had to have written permission from her parents before she was allowed to go on such a holiday.

Well, that’s something she won’t get, Marty quips, decisively.

But Dire is concerned about the feasibility of letting her go anyway. What do they do if the other girls’ parents all allow them to go? How do they justify Adele staying home? (Simple, you say she’s not going, that she’s too young, that you can’t afford it, whatever. You DON’T negotiate.)

It won’t happen, says Marty, with certainty.

Plank passes through the sitcom lounge, telling his parents that he was on his way to a tuning job in Anfield.

‘DRIVE SAFELY!’ Shrieks Dire, as he darts out the door.

Marty offers his final word on Adele’s holiday plans. There is simply no chance of her going on holiday alone.

As the Sage works fervently in the Hotel Corkhill kitchen, as Happy Smiling Helen stands close by him, bobbing her head. She tells him that her daughter, the voluptuous originally 18 year-old, reduced to 12- but really 16 year-old Stephanie, who - surprise, surprise - is having her Sunday dinner at a mate’s house. Popular girl, that Stephanie. Eats out all the time. Anyway, she continues, Stephanie sends Jimmy her love. As a matter of fact, Stephanie’s done nothing but sing Jimmy’s praises. (Isn’t it remarkable how EVERYONE loves Jimmy? His discipleship is certainly growing. Perhaps he’s really Jesus Christ?)

Jimmy tells Happy Smiling Helen that Wills won’t be coming for Sunday dinner today, but never mind, he says, there’ll be another time. In fact, Happy Smiling Helen simply MUST meet the rest of his family. Ooh! Ooh-oooh! He’s had an idea! (We know this because, Jimmy hunches down and his eyes widen maniacally). Why don’t he and Happy Smiling Helen go up to Newcastle for a weekend and stay with RLindz? Oh, he doesn’t mean ‘stay together’ in the carnal sense, but he’s sure RLindz and Kylie were sure to love Helen. (Sure about that, Jim? Really confident? Smugly so? I think not. Not while Jackie’s got breath in her body. Who did Lindsey choose to have spend Christmas with her? Jackie. And Lindsey wasn’t exactly forthcoming about caring for Jimmy, was she?

Happy Smiling Helen bobs her head and shyly admits that as she likes Jimmy, she’s sure to like his family. (Now that we know that the ubiquitous and untalented Ms Sweeney is returning to the soap for two weeks in August, wouldn’t it be interesting to see her make Happy Smiling Helen’s life total hell?)

Suddenly and unexpectedly, there’s a knock on the back door. Jimmy opens it, and Ray enters, with some flowers he’s retrieved from his own garden. He enters Hotel Corkhill’s kitchen nervously, stuttering about having got some flowers for Jimmy’s rockery. Only he’s come in through the back door, he says, not wanting to get dirt on the carpet.

Seeing Happy Smiling Helen in the kitchen, he feigns surprise. Er, anyway, he stutters, losing some of his wind, he’ll just go into the back garden and put them into some pots, so they’ll keep.

Sensing the reason behind his visit, Happy Smiling Helen offers to help him, and they go into the back garden.

Once outside, Ray admits that he thought Helen would have called round to see him today. (I agree; and the way that Helen has treated Ray since she’s come under the influence of Jimmy, has - quite frankly - been despicable. She came into Ray’s life, forced her way in, unbidden, not giving a toss about what his wife might have thought about her and forced Ray to confront a past he’d effectively put away. Asking him to help her trace her mother was the final staw. And I still maintain that there may be a reason Ray knows of that he doesn’t want Helen to find Sylvia. Perhaps she’ll be in for a shock. I reckon Sylvia didn’t want her at all).

Happy Smiling Helen confesses that she nearly got a card for Ray, but she thought that it might be disrespectful toward her father. She then tells Ray that she and Jimmy have made good progress in her hunt for Sylvia Morgan. They’ve traced her husband to Iceland; in fact, they expect to hear from Iceland any day.

Well, Ray muses, he’s not at all surprised if she turns up in Iceland. She was really too good for Tewbrook. Sylvia was a classy lady.

Happy Smiling Helen bobs her head in surprise and gives Ray a sharp look. She thought Ray had previously said that Sylvia was a loose woman.

Well, er, no, not exactly, Ray waffles. What he meant was that she was more of a free spirit, with a mind of her own. In fact, he adds, attempting to rescue the situation, Happy Smiling Helen reminds him a lot of Sylvia. She’s inherited Sylvia’s mannerisms and expressions. (So Sylvia smiles like an idiot and bobs her head, eh?)

Happy Smiling Helen lands a meltingly gooey expression on an embarrassed Ray. Oh, it’s so lovely to hear Ray talk about Sylvia, she gushes. She just wishes he’d talk more about her. (Yeah, I’ll bet Jessie does too).

Aw shucks, laughs Ray, scratching the back of his head and kicking the ground like an Appalachian country yokel, Happy Smiling Helen doesn’t want to listen to everything an old fogey like Ray says.

Over at Bev’s flat, she’s frantically trying to get ready for the party. She’s being hindered by Josh, however, who is easily the most spoiled and obnoxious kid in soaps. He makes the despicable David Platt and the po-faced little blackmailer, Stephen Beale, look like saints. Josh is nagging her to be allowed to watch a video.

Not now, snaps Bev, pfaffing hurriedly about the kitchen. She had to tidy this place. Oh, and Josh is to take his trainers off the dining table. Now!

Josh pulls a sulky face, and Bev immediately suggests that he help her make the sarnies for the party. Immediately Josh starts to butter some bread, he drops pieces on the floor.

Happy Smiling Helen stands in front of Hotel Corkhill watching Ray make his way back to Number 8. Afraid of losing his total influence over her mind, the Sage joins her. Happy Smiling Helen bobs her head and tells Jimmy that she thinks Ray is disappointed at not receiving a card from her; but she admits that it was harder than she thought, contemplating sending him a card.

‘Hit’s becuz ‘e’s only yer biological faaaa-ther,’ drawls Jimmy, hypnotically. ‘Not yer reeeal dad. ‘E wasn’t there fer ya, nerrr-turing ya, loovin’ ya.’ (What an abject bastard!) Look at himself, Jimmy continues, playing the self-pity card now. Surrounded by other people’s kids on Father’s Day.

Happy Smiling Helen gazes up adoringly at Jimmy and gushes that she’s certain that all of Jimmy’s children think the world of him.

Then she and Jimmy engage in a massive and lengthy snog that’s disgusting, as Timily and Dr Nikki and Jerome watch and cheer them from the doorway, tossing a cushion at the couple. (‘Toss’ being the operative word).

It’s party time! Oh, I can’t wait! Put on the salsa music! Turn up the stereo! Let’s boogy down! Time for the Liverpudlian social event of the year - Bev’s PARTY!!!!!

Only no one’s arrived. Josh asks impatiently where all the people are, and Bev, tetchily, replies that people are always late arriving at a party. The buzzer sounds, indicating someone is downstairs. Bev presses it and tells the people to come up.

Josh is worried that he didn’t make a Father’s Day card in school, rather he chose to make one for Bev. Should he have made a Father’s Day card. (Answer: YES). He’s saying this as Bev opens the door to find Mike and Ron standing there.

Josh starts hopping around his granddad, begging him to come outside and shoot penalties with him. Ron hands Bev a card, saying that he hadn’t time to get her a present. In fact, it was only this evening that Mike insisted that he come.

Oh, Bev didn’t mind, she says. Only she didn’t invite Jacqui, she adds, tactlessly, because Jacqui denied her the use of the bar for the function.

Ron looks around warily. Are he and Mike the only ones here?

His question is answered by the arrival of Timily. Tim cheekily hands Bev a card, celebrating her 40th. Bev isn’t too pleased by that.

On their way to the do, Jimmy and Happy Smiling Helen stop by Number 8 to try to convince Ray to accompany them to the party. Ray refuses, whilst Happy Smiling Helen gushes that she wants to meet ALL of Jimmy’s friends and neighbours.

Back at the party, Gaby the Grin and Dr Parr have arrived. Dr Parr looks as though he’d rather be anyplace else in the world but there, especially when he sees Mike Dixon glaring back at him from across the room. Gaby the Grin is full of herself and gazes about the room, wondering if there are any men there worth flirting with this evening. As the doctor grumbles about being forced to attend, she looks condescendingly over her shoulder at him and snaps that if he doesn’t behave himself tonight, there’ll be no ‘doctor and nursey’ afterward. Besides, Gaby the Grin’s there to make new friends.

From across the room, Mike continues to glare at Dr Parr. Look at that smarmy get, he motions to Ron. Thinks he’s better than the rest of them. Mike confesses that he would dearly love to take Dr Parr down a peg.

Marty and Dire follow the Parrs into the flat. Marty is just as reluctant to be there as Dr Parr. Looking about the ill-assembled, scanty guests, Marty mumbles that he could be home watching something good on the television.

Ron’s bending a bored Gaby the Grin’s ear about junk mail, when she interrupts him. But where are Max and Jacqui? She wants to know, in a falsely sincere voice.

‘Max and Jacqui aren’t here tonight, luv.’ Ron tells her, as Bev passes within earshot. ‘They’re NOT WELCOME,’ he adds pointedly, for Bev’s benefit. Bev looks ashamed of herself, reckoning to have overstepped her mark with Ron, as Gaby the Grin scurries like a rat down a sewer to get to Dr Parr’s side.

‘Did he hear the scandal?’ She asks, excitedly. ‘Jacqui Farnham’s not been invited! Wonder why?’

(I have a question: I want to know why this supremely arrogant and self-centred woman hates Jacqui so? OK, Annabelle will admit that Jacqui is jumped-up trailer trash, but then so is Bev; and I can’t see the difference. If the silly bitch is after Max, then her jealousy of Jacqui might be understandable; but if it’s a class thing, then it doesn’t hold any water, because of this unrealistic friendship with Bev).

‘Lucky Jacqui,’ snaps the doctor, sharply.

She WAS hoping that Max would be here though, muses Gaby the Grin. (I’ll bet she was and all). She wanted to talk to him to see how the police reconstruction went.

Bev is tactlessly regaling Happy Smiling Helen about her pool table encounter with Jimmy. Happy Smiling Helen is, understandably, surprised, but Bev innocently remarks that she thought Helen would have known about that - Jimmy wasn’t keeping it a secret.

As they talk, a football lands nearby and smashes one of Bev’s vases.

‘JOSH!’ She screams.

Meanwhile, back on the Close, Plank Murray is outside preparing to leave for his tuning job in Anfield. Ray approaches and greets him. Plank returns the greeting, but says he’s in a hurry as he’s off on a job.

As Ray stands close by, he ‘helpfully’ points out to Plank that the tax on his van is two months out of date. Plank tries to downplay this, promising the old codger that he’ll do something about it first thing Monday.

Ray looks dubious. ‘Are you sure that thing’s insured?’ He asks.

Suddenly, and uncharacteristically, Plank becomes belligerant, telling Ray that it’s none of his business and to ‘do one’.

Ray retreats in an insulted huff. He makes sure Plank knows that the lad’s lucky Ray’s not calling the police about this van.

Back at the ever-swinging party, Big Dire and Gaby the Grin stand discussing Gaby’s designer dress, when suddenly, out of the blue, a football sails throught the air and knocks the wine held in Dire’s hand onto Gaby the Grin’s cream-coloured dress.

Bev is mortified and starts screaming for Josh, accusing him of spoiling Gaby’s dress. Dragging the kid by the arm, Bev hauls him to the door and pushes him into the corridor, demanding that he stay outside in the corridor and play with his football. As she returns to the lounge, Mike comments that served Gaby the Grin right that her dress was ruined, the snotty cow. Bev couldn’t blame the little lad, Mike continues, after all, it IS the World Cup.

Bev sits beside Mike on a sofa and admits that the fact that she and Mike had Josh was a sheer mistake, but she then tells Mike how much of an embarrassment it is for Josh to have his mother take him to the park and try to have a kickaround with him. (Oh, please! Is this for real? Are our hearts bleeding peanut butter?) Bev then starts whingeing to Mike about not having a man. She was 30 years old and things were the same for her as they were 10 years ago.

The Sage and his newest chief disciple, Happy Smiling Helen, are also deep in a conflab. Happy Smiling Helen tells Jimmy that she’s finally got Ray to open up about Sylvia Morgan. Why, earlier, Ray was even beginning to tell Happy Smiling Helen what Sylvia was like. Oh, and by the way, she informs Jimmy, she’s unable to stay late this evening. She has to collect Stephanie from her friend’s house.

No problem, gloats Jimmy, smugly, with that horrible protruding chin of his sticking out self-confidently.

Jerome finds Dr Nikki standing alone on the balcony of Bev’s flat. Jerome approaches her and he’s pleasantly surprised when Nikki tells him that she’s decided that she WILL go away with him for the summer. After all, she says, it IS time to move on. (One can only live in hope).

Back inside, dressed in her soiled dress, Gaby the Grin is trying to convince her husband to make an apology to Mike Dixon. The doctor glances dubiously at Mike, who stares back at him belligerantly. Gaby urges Dr Parr to approach Mike; it’s simply best if he did it, otherwise they might have another lawsuit on their hands.

Dr Parr protests that it’s obvious that Mike doesn’t like him; but Gaby insists that he apologise and try to appear as though he means it. There’s nothing more she can do, she says, helplessly.

Jerome, Nikki and Timily stand outside on the balcony. Emily glances inside the flat, disdainfully pronouncing this to be the worst party she’s ever attended. As the quartet stand on the balcony, they catch sight of Plank across the way at the garage, filling up. The funny thing is, that instead of driving his VAN to his tuning job, Plank now has his banger. They wave at him and he waves back.

Tim, also bored with the party, suggests that they split a taxi and go into town, clubbing. The four go back inside.

Down below, on the Parade, we find Josh, who’s disobeyed Bev (as per usual) and now kicks a football around the street area.

Back inside, Gaby the Grin pushes Dr Parr in Mike’s direction, encouraging him to make the apology. They pass Ron, who’s boring the pants off the Muddies about the Jubilee celebrations. Now they’d got past them, this weekend was the Queen’s Official birthday.

Emily pauses to contribute to the conversation, remarking that it seems to her that the Queen had been on the throne for a million years. Oh, and they were off, she tells Ron, to celebrate the Queen’s birthday in a nightclub in town.

Ron turns away from the Muddies and sees Bev on her own, watching the proceedings. He approaches her and watches her surveying the boring party that some people are trying desperately to leave. Never mind, Ron jollies her, things will get going soon.

No kidding her, Bev says, morosely. This is one sad party for one sad life.

Egged on by Gaby the Grin, Dr Parr reluctantly approaches Mike Dixon and asks if there’s any chance of a word.

Sure, Mike replies, sarcastically, but it might be a word that people don’t want to hear.

Speaking rapidly in order to get the whole ordeal over with, Dr Parr apologises for hitting Mike the other day. He’s desperately sorry about breaking his bridge as well. As a matter of fact, he has a friend who’s a dentist who owes him a favour -

No need to call in favours to yer mates, snarls Mike. Mike was going to make sure Dr Parr paid for his mistake. He vows to make him pay, and a scuffle ensues between the two men, which is broken up by Bev. As she tries to diffuse the situation, Ron approaches her suddenly, asking her the whereabouts of Josh.

He’s in the corridor, Bev replies, saying that she sent him there because he wouldn’t behave.

No, he isn’t, Ron confirms, because Ron’s just had a look in the corridor.

Marty Muddie points out that Josh is havinga kick-around outside. This makes Bev angry, because she’s specifically told him he’s not to kick the ball around outside, unsupervised.

Down on The Parade, as the taxi arrives for Timily, Nikki and Jerome, Josh continues to kick the ball around, dangerously near the road.

Across the way at the garage, Plank’s finished filling up and climbs into his car. Immediately he starts it, mega loud music issues forth from the stereo. He takes off from the garage, as Josh bounces the ball in the street. As Plank rounds the corner to leave The Parade, the ball gets away from Josh and he steps into the street to retriev it, just as Plank is building up speed.

Now we do the posh slo-mo bit - Plank noticing the kid at the last minute, braking, sound of screeching brakes, Bev appearing on The Parade from the flats just at the moment that the screech starts, and the car hits Josh.

Shot from above, we see Josh lying, clean and immaculate, with no piece of clothing out of place and no blood, on the pavement. It’s the neatest, cleanest crease-free accident I’ve ever witnessed. He looks posed.

Well, what did you expect? This IS Brookside, after all, where even corpses are attractive.

Roy Boulter wrote this. Tripe.