STAR WARS ... NOT!
(Cue music) ... DAAA-DA-da-da-da-DAAA-DA-da-da-da-DAA-DA-da-da-da-DAAAAA!
Do-dooo-do-do-do-do-doodly-oo-do-do-do-dooo-do-do-do-di-DO-do ...
Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, called BROOKSIDER, there inhabited some people, who watched Brookside. At first they enjoyed the programme, but as the quality of the programme deteriorated more and more, the Brookisder crew learned to live with their plight by taking the piss out of the show. There were loads of wicked, evil discontinuities to fight, lots of sham acting to counter. Luke Skywalker Paulm leads the way, championed by Princess Annabelleia, minus the headphone hairdo. Dr Dave doubles as Han Solo, whilst Jilly and Patsyjo take on the roles of Chewbacca and C-3PO. Me? I'm just R2D2, toodling away. Occasionally Airfix does a turn as Obie Wan-Kenobee.
Recently, the Brooksiders became aware that there were people spying on their galaxy. Invading their brains and robbing their thoughts, posting them elsewhere. So ... The Brooksiders laid a trap.
Spoilers were posted. Ron Dixon would commit suicide. Jimmy, Helen and Nikki would enjoy a menage-a-trois. Sandie Shaw was joining the cast of Brookside. The theme song would be changed to Ferry Cross the Mersey.
Some of these spoilers were repeated on other sites, including the Official Forum and an unofficial site, which claimed that said spoilers were 'heard there first'!
Pssst ... It was all a joke. They were false. Nice to know so many people lurk on a site someone was arrogant enough to claim didn't attract many people.
May the force be with you ...
P.S. The most recent episode of Eastenders ended with Phil and Sharon enjoying a passionate snog in the taproom of the Vic. This occurred after the funeral of Sharon’s mother. The scene ended, shoulders up, with the pair sucking each other’s faces and Phil occasionally sucking Sharon’s neck. Cut to the credits. No black lacy knickers on either Sharon OR Phil, no rucking up of Shaz’s skirt, no Phil caressing Shaz’s naked thigh, and no lingering shots of their covered pubic regions about to copulate.
It’s a pretty safe bet that we won’t be treated to a shot of Steve McFadden’s hairy bum peeping out from under his Pringle’s knit on Thursday either at the beginning of the show.
It’s called ‘taste’, Brookside ... And it’s why Eastenders has a BAFTA. Do you?
Jacqui Dixon-Farnham calls round Number 8 early in the morning. She’s power-dressed and ready to confront her empire, but she carries a large bin bag. Ron greets her at the door and she wastes no time in asking her dad how he fared in his visits the previous day to ex-Great Grannies’ clientele.
It was a waste of time, admits Ron, ruefully. In fact, it was as if ALL those years of Great Grannies’ service went for nowt. (Sorry, have to interject here. All those YEARS of Great Grannies’ service? Unless I’m mistaken, Great Grannies has only been going since around 1998; that’s only four years. It’s HARDLY as if it were an established company; and in the past 18 months, it’s actually been RUN from Number 8!!!)
Ron feels as though he’s been kicked in the teeth. He’s gone a few months, and the clients have taken their business elsewhere. Funny, he muses, some of them actually sent him personal messages of support when he was awaiting trial. It’s a different kettle of fish supporting a ‘have-a-go hero’ as opposed to a jailbird.
Jacqui’s only half-heartedly listening to Ron’s quiet rantings. Instead, she has loads of other things on her mind. For starters, she has to ask a favour of Ron. Max had arranged for some building contractors to call around later today, and he has to be out and about. Would Ron mind showing them around the Farnham house?
Ron agrees, as Rachel the Dim bounces into view, announcing to Ron that Beth wants Granddad to help her with her jigsaw.
Jacqui greets Rachel and tells her, not ASKS, but TELLS, that she’s brought some of the Farnham ironing around for Rachel to do, IF Rachel wouldn’t mind. Jacqui was prepared to pay. Rachel agrees, and as Jacqui lifts the bin bag onto the couch, she’s caught by what appears to be an excruciating stomach cramp. She doubles over briefly.
Rachel is immediately concerned, but Jacqui puts the cramp down to the fact that she might have moved too quickly in lifting the bag.
Oooh, says Rachel, breathlessly, Jac-keh oughter be moor cahfool liftin’ things’n ‘er coon-dition.
Jacqui hisses for Rachel to keep her voice down.
Oooh, continues Rachel, boot when were Jac-keh goin’ ter tell Ron?
When she was more used to the idea, herself, snaps Jacqui.
Oooh, coos Rachel, wh-eye she bets Jac-keh stahts nestin’ ‘fore long.
Anyway, says Jacqui, changing the subject to more practical matters, she has some more ironing at home, if Rachel wouldn’t mind doing it. She’ll bring the rest around.
It’s morning at NNT, and as Nisha prepares for her day at work, Sammy’s in whinge mode about Richard. He’s only offered to pay Louise’s boarding school fees, she moans, as Katie emerges from the bathroom, also whingeing at the top of her horrible, grating, whiney Scouse voice.
Whoever used the bathroom last is ‘dirty mare of the week,’ she announces.
Sammy ignores her and continues to list Richard’s conditions and demands for Nisha. He’ll pay Louise’s school fees, she continues, and Sammy will get a lump sum from him, if she allows Louise to return to her old school.
Katie continues her moan about personal hygiene - odd, considering she’s spent the last year ignorant of it. And who’s the person who left toenail clippings on the sofa? (This is supposed to amuse us, people. Did it amuse you? Only if your screen name is lez - oops, sorry, she doesn’t watch - StephENNie, sarahp or marieb.)
Not only that, Sammy continues, Richard ALSO wants Louise to spend every weekend with him and half of the school holidays.
Nisha doesn’t think Sammy should quibble. It’s probably what’s best for Louise, she says, and if Richard can offer her some sort of stability -
Richard? Stability? Sammy shrieks. (We’ve had this chestnut before?) He changes women like some people change cars. Why, his current one is years younger than Sammy, herself. And anyway, she feels as though he’s trying to buy her daughter. She might to a lot of unsavoury things, Sammy says, but she’d never sell her child, like Jacqui Dixon -
Katie interjects to say that Richard only wants what Louise wants, and that’s to continue at her posh school. And anyway, Katie continues, defending her sometime bezzy mate, Sammy’s never put Louise as her first priority anyway. Richard’s seen that, and now Louise is seeing it too.
Sammy pretends not to know what Katie means, but Katie’s only too prepared to elaborate, given half the chance. Sammy, she says bluntly, is selfish. She’s always been selfish and always will be. After all, what kind of mother sends a child to boarding school when the kid’s only seven?
Sammy retorts that she only wanted the best for her daughter. And what was wrong with that? Anyway, Louise WANTED to go, she says, sulkily.
Sammy wanted Louise out of the way so she could enjoy the high life with Richard, accuses Katie. And in doing that, Sammy totally disregarded Louise for her own self-interest. And she was still doing that! How many times in the past month had Sammy dumped Louise on Katie in order to pursue a married man?
Back on the Close, those social crusaders, Adele and her slow-mouthed friend Loopy Laura stand on the doorstep of Hotel Corkhill. Jimmy opens the door, and Adele immediately begins to whinge about the pig noises coming from Tim’s van. They’ve kept her awake all night. And besides, she was concerned about the fact that the poor animal was being kept penned up in the back of a van.
Jimmy listens patiently to the rant, before turning eventually and shouting up the stairs for Tim, telling him that the Pig Liberation Army had arrived on the doorstep.
Tim’s supposed to have been in bed, but we really know that he was waiting half-way up the stairs for his cue. He appears, looking tired and grumpy and is shirtless. But HEY! WAIT A MINUTE!!! SOMETHING’S WRONG HERE!
OMIGOD! There’s no naked torso shot! No flex of the pecs! OMIGOD!!! WHAT ARE POOR MADONTIM, STEPHENNIE, LEZ, KIRSTY, GEMMA_OXFORD ETC ON THAT PINNACLE OF INTELLECTUAL TOLERANCE, DISCUSSION AND DEBATE GOING TO DO WITHOUT A SIGHT OF A SEMI-NUDE TIM? HOW WILL THEY LIVE? WHAT WILL SUSTAIN THEM? OH, THIS HAS TO BE THE END OF BROOKSIDE, THE VERY END ... I wish.
But nooooooo ...
Adele’s liverlips whinge on to the dozy Tim about being worried about that poor pig starving, whilse Loopy Laura stares at Tim in open lust, or what she reckons passes for it.
Adele demands to know where Tim got the animal. Tim replies drowsily that some bloke dumped it on him.
Adele whinges on about the pig becoming a nuisance and again demands to know how Tim intends to deal with the animal.
Tim’s got the shits of this pill already and tells her that it’s none of her business. She and Loopy Laura leave, with Loopy gazing back hungrily at Tim as they trot off.
When the girls leave, Jimmy tells Tim that they were right to be concerned. Apparently, the pig’s name is Rover, and Jimmy tells Tim that he can’t keep Rover locked in the back of the van. Until they find Christy and the pig can be despatched, it has to be fed and exercised. That would keep the animal happy and ensure that it was easier to deal with.
That’s why, says Jimmy, smugly, there’s the saying, happy as a pig in ... (but he doesn’t mention the word. Not yet).
Tim notices Jimmy’s making sense today and asks how he’s feeling. Jimmy replies that he’s feeling normal. (So I guess this means that Jimmy’s manic-depression has been done, dusted and finished with. Nice to know Phil Redmond’s so succinctly found a cure for a CONDITION that’s incurable. MEDICAL HISTORY MADE ON BROOKSIDE! READ ALL ABOUT IT!)
Jacqui’s returned to Number 8, carrying an even BIGGER bin bag filled with clothes to be ironed. One wonders what the Farnham family have done for clothing. They must have a tonne of it.
Rachel’s elswhere in the house, and whilst waiting for her, Jacqui tells Ron that Max got another letter that morning from Leanne’s solicitor, wanting him to be a witness in her compensation trial against Bev.
Ron is aghast and tells Jacqui that he certainly hopes Max knows what to do about that. This whole fiasco was nothing but a cheap scam on Leanne’s part. He hopes Max tells Leanne what she can do with the letter.
Ron needn’t worry about that, says Jacqui, smugly. SHE plans on scuppering the whole idea.
Rachel comes downstairs and Jacqui hands her the latest ironing instalment.
Seeing the size of the bundle, Rachel’s face falls a mile in dismay. Jacqui apologises hastily to Rachel for the fact that there’s so much ironing and hands her a tenner as payment for doing the task. As soon as Jacqui’s out the door, Rachel begins a Class A whinge.
‘Wh-eye, ‘twould tek a blooody expert ter do all this stoof! An’ what do she think EYE yam?’ She asks indignantly. ‘You’d blooody think EYE were ‘er slave! Ten pound be all she give me too!’
Ron cuts in, decisively. Rachel wants to stop and think a moment here now. She’s always whingeing about her and Mike being short on dosh, as well as not being able to work. Well, here’s Jacqueline paying her for some work, that doesn’t even take her outside her home and she’s complaining about it.
Oooh, grumbles Rachel, boot she were noah slave or skiv-veh! An’ ten blooody pound!
Ron politely, but succinctly reminds her that that ten pounds would pay two weeks’ of her debt repayment. Jacqui gives Rachel work, he says, in order to help Rachel get out of debt. And who’s fault was it that Rachel was in such debt? Precisely. Hers and Mike’s. Work is work, Ron says. Rather than whinge about it, Rachel should just knuckle down and get stuck in.
Rachel looks crestfallen, but then, she’s been well-versed in the art of whingeing by her husband.
Across the Close, Tim hovers nervously about the back of the van, being told by Jimmy that the animal inside has to be fed and exercised. Tim is frightened and doesn’t know how to handle a pig, never having dealt with one before. (Well, he has lived with Sinbad).
Jimmy appears from within the house, carrying a large piece of plyboard and a cricket bat. What happens when he lets the pig out? Tim asks Jimmy.
Jimmy replies that they have to guide the pig into the back garden, which is the best place for it to be.
Do they just chase it? Tim asks.
Jimmy tells Tim that, most likely, the pig would be tired and hungry, and ‘pig ignorant’ of his surroundings. (Play on words number one). But fear not! Jimmy has surfed the Internet for sites about pigs and how to handle them. In a quick aside, he notes that there were some weird sites as well (OOOH, GOODY, GOODY! SQUEALS THE MAGIC RABBITS, JUST BACK ON HIS NEWSGROUP AGAIN. BROOKSIDE CONTINUITY! PANT! PANT! REMEMBER MAX AND SUSANNAH’S PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEO? OOH, I’M SO EXCITED! I THINK I’LL START A CLEVER THREAD ON THE NEWSGROUP!!)
Anyway, these sites tell one exactly how to handle a pig, hence the need for the cricket bat and the piece of board.
Tim, ever the philistine, asks, ignorantly, if they can use the cricket bat to whack the pig.
No, explains Jim. Use the bat to gently guide the pig. And, as pigs have no peripheral vision, use the board to shield his line of vision when he looks from side to side. But above all, DON’T scare the animal, because pigs freeze when they’re frighten.
Wishing Tim luck, he stands beside the lad as Tim opens the double back door of the van. Then Brookside try to attempt a clever camera shot and try to give us a ‘pig’s eye’ view of Tim and Jimmy, in black and white. (The Brookside production staff must be real pigs, to know that pigs are colour-blind. Always did say that the extreme left mirrors the extreme right). It looks as if the pig lunges toward Jimmy and Tim, as the two cry out and run backwards from the attacking animal.
(Here’s where we’re supposed to laugh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH).
Katie’s gone to work, and Sammy sits feeling sorry for herself in NNT. Nisha’s on hand as well, by the way. Nisha, in a surprisingly unselfish mood, tries to comfort Sammy, saying that Katie didn’t mean to say the things that she said.
Sammy sullenly thinks otherwise.
Well, suggests Nisha, what is Sammy’s problem with letting Richard pay Louise’s school fees? Nisha thought that’s what Sammy wanted all along?
Sammy ignores that question and says that she realises that everyone thinks she’s a crap mother, but she really thought that having Louise with her, might allow Sammy to make up to Louise for all her maternal short-comings. Now here’s Richard, sticking his oar in again.
Well, she vows, she won’t allow Richard to squeeze her daughter out of her life. She simply WON’T allow it!
Back on the Close, Tim surveys the state of the inside of his van. He shakes his head woefully at the state in which the pig has left the vehicle. Jimmy’s with him. Tim says he had no idea there would be so much pig ... mess. (Get ready for it).
Jimmy quips cleverly that that’s the origin of the saying ‘like a pig in shit’. (Pre-watershed and totally gratuitous).
Tim is at a loss as to how to care for the pig, but Jimmy tells him that the animal has to be fed first, and a lot - after all, that’s why it’s called a pig.
But, asks the ignorant scally, what should he feed the animal?
Jimmy tells him that there’s some bread about to go off in the fridge and some leftovers. That should do him, or else he’ll be ‘pig sick’ (second silly pig play on words).
OK all together now ... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. OH, ISN’T BROOKSIDE JUST TOO WITTY. (MAGIC RABBITS: PANT PANT PANT, OH, I’M SO EXCITED!!! THIS IS HOW BROOKSIDE SHOULD BE!!! A-HA-A-HA-A-HA ... ALEX FLETCHER! VICKI GATES! ALEX FLETCHER! VICKI GATES! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! Une orgasme lapinesque.)
As Jimmy laughs at his own joke - and believe me, he’s the only one laughing - Tim leaves, whingeing, to prepare the food.
Across the Close, Ron Dixon is doing the favourite Brookside household task of ironing. (Aside: Ever notice how 2002 has seen male characters doing this chore? We’ve already seen Mike Dixon, Marty Murray and Max; now it’s Ron’s turn). He’s tackling the pile of clothes Jacqui left for Rachel to do.
Rachel enters the lounge and is startled to see Ron doing this chore. Ron explains that he’s helping Rachel out. She needn’t have to do this; she can carry on looking after the children.
Rachel suddenly feels guilty, and Ron explains that he wants her to keep the tenner Jacqui gave her, which makes the silly wench feel more guilty. Ron explains that he realises that Rachel needs the money to help with the couple’s debts.
Mike enters the lounge, prior to hitting the hay, and is surprised to see Ron with an iron. Ron tells him that his job whilst inside, was working in the prison laundry - and he enjoyed it too, he says. It was relaxing and allowed him to forget the reason he was there for awhile.
Adele arrives at the garage with Loopy Laura and she’s whingeing to Laura about Leanne and her attitude. Leanne thinks she’s Adele’s boss. It’s not as if Leanne’s even been there longer, says Adele, it’s just that she’s full time. Leanne makes an appearance and crabbily informs Adele that she’s late. Adele cheekily argues that she came straight from lessons. Ignoring Leanne, Laura asks Adele if she’s managed to talk her parents round paying for her renewal of the contact lenses prescription, and Adele begins a massive whinge about the injustice of living with her parents.
Oh, and why wasn’t Adele at Michelle’s the previous evening? Laura asks. (Probably because Michelle has become a figment of everyone’s imagination lately, and as unseen as the watchable Cassie was five years ago. Michelle, quite simply, wasn’t pretty enough for Brookside’s fancy).
Adele blushes and simpers and throws Loopy Laura a coy look.
Oh, Laura suddenly realises. Why, Adele was with GARETH the previous evening. Who’s Gareth? Gareth Gates? Now THAT wouldn’t surprise me on Brookside.
Tim enters the back garden of Hotel Corkhill with a tray of leftovers for the pig, only to spy the pig rooting through the fence leading onto the Close. He immediately chases after the animal.
Right about this time, Helen arrives on the Close to visit Ray. She sees Jimmy standing in the front garden of Hotel Corkill, spade in hand and surrounded by pig shit. Helen is impressed. Jimmy is a gardener, just the sort of nice, upstanding middle-class chappie a fortysomething divorcee might aspire to.
Jimmy allows her this illusion, as it enhances his own reputation, and tells her that he’s preparing the ground for spring planting.
Helen wrinkles her up-turned nose delicately. What’s that smell? She asks.
That? Replies Jimmy, nonchalantly. Oh, that’s pig sh- er, manure, he explains. For the garden. Seeing that Helen is clutching some books, Jimmy asks what they are for.
Helen says she’s been to the library for some information about tracing her real mum. Ray and Jessie had agreed to help her find Sylvia.
Meanwhile, we get another black-and-white pig’s-eye view of the proceedings. We see Tim try to catch the pig, but the pig escapes. Tim tries vainly to control the animal with the cricket bat and the plasterboard shield.
Helen, by now, has arrived at Number 8, only to find Ron answering the door. Ron tells her that the Hiltons are out for the day. Ray has taken Jessie over to Chester. However, would Helen like a cuppa? (Er, not with Ron in his present horny state).
Helen excuses herself for just barging in at Number 8 and not calling, and as she’s about to leave, the pig lumbers and lurches toward Ron’s house.
To her great surprise, the pig knocks past Helen, causing her to drop her library books in the mud and clambers into the Dixon house.
A black-and-white pig’s eye view follows, with a startled Rachel gape-mouthed as she sits in the chair in the Dixon lounge as the pig lurches past her, followed by Tim and now Jimmy and Ron. Ron stops Jimmy in the lounge, demanding to know what a pig is doing in his house.
Jimmy shouts at Ron to open the back door quickly, and as Rod does so, the pig gallumps into the Dixon back garden.
Finally Tim manages to get the animal back inside the van, and Jimmy, Helen, Ron, Rachel and Mike stand outside the Dixon house, Mike in pyjamas and a bathrobe, as he’s been awakened by the commotion.
Ron complains to Jimmy and Tim to get rid of that stinking thing or he’d call the police and complain about a marauding pig.
As Jimmy concentrates on inviting Helen into Hotel Corkhill for a cup of tea, Tim approaches Ron to say he’s sorry for the pig getting into Ron’s house. He also says that he hasn’t had a chance to talk to Ron since Ron’s returned from prison.
Ron remarks that Tim wouldn’t be the first not to have spoken to him. A lot of people go out of their way now to avoid Ron.
Tim understands Ron’s predicament and tells him so. He’s been inside, himself, and knows the treatment meted out to ex-cons when they return. Anyway, Tim shuffles awkwardly, he still wanted to thank Ron for not grassing him up about the gun.
Looking back on it all, Ron admits, ruefully truthful, keeping schtoom about that gun was not a good decision; and if he could go back in time, Ron confesses, he’d tell the truth about the gun and drop Tim in it.
Tim tells Ron, equally truthfully, that he understands the sentiment; and he still won’t forget what Ron’s done for him.
Neither will Ron, the older man replies, sadly.
Sammy and Katie are moseying around in the garage, being eyed suspiciously by Leanne, as Adele and Loopy Laura stand around in the background. Katie offers her sister an apology; Nisha told her about Richard’s offer to Sammy.
Sammy resignedly accepts Katie’s sentiments, and moans that, having Louise here in Liverpool with her was Sammy’s one last chance to prove that she was a good mother. But, she says, she knows what she’s going to do. She’s going to head for London and talk the situation over with Richard and Louise. Then, together, the three of them will decide what to do for the best.
Having made her purchases, Sammy approaches the till. Leanne looks her up and down. Hmmm, she begins, snidely, she’s heard Jacqui Dixon’s given Sammy the elbow from the Health Club.
Sammy looks at Leanne in disgust, pretending not to understand what she’s talking about, but Leanne persists. Sure, Sammy got the sack, something about her being involved with that fit black fella.
Sammy haughtily tells Leanne that she’s mistaken.
As she handles Sammy’s purchases, Leanne informs Sammy that she and Sammy have a lot in common with each other, in case Sammy was unaware of that. In fact, infers Leanne, conspiratorily, they could help each other out, especially as regards Jacqui Dixon.
Sammy pulls herself up to her full Lady Muck height. ‘I don’t think so,’ she informs Leanne, arrogantly, and sweeps from the shop.
Hunched in the corner of the shop, Adele and Laura are having a goss. Laura wants to know if Adele lets Gareth ‘do anything’; but before Adele can answer, a bad-tempered Leanne orders Laura to leave. She’s distracting LEANNE’S staff, she informs her.
Adele stops Laura from going, telling Leanne succinctly that she’s not Adele’s boss, and anyway, business was slow that afternoon.
Leanne sarcastically reminds Adele that SHE’S the full-time employee, whereas Adele is only working for pencil money; besides, if Adele gets on the wrong side of Leanne, she’ll soon find out what’s what.
Standing in the kitchen of Hotel Corkhill, Helen and Jimmy examine the damage done to Helen’s library books. Tim enters the kitchen, dishevelled and muddy from dealing with the pig. Helen reckons that the library will, most likely, want her to replace the books damaged; but adds, with a twinkle in her eye, that perhaps they will let her off lightly when she tells them how the books came to be in that condition.
‘They’ll think you’re telling porkies,’ jokes Jimmy, and the two laugh. As they see Tim enter, Jimmy jokes again that it’s been Tim who’s saved the bacon, and again, they laugh.
Tim, however, fails to see the humour in the situation and goes upstairs to shower.
Jimmy remembers that Helen’s trying to trace her mother. Well, it so happens that Jim’s a dab hand on the Internet, and offers to use the Net to help trace Sylvia. Helen accepts. (That’s a new one - come back to my room to see my computer).
Sitting on the brick wall outside the garage, Sammy and Katie continue their talk. Katie is telling Sammy some home truths - again. Sammy has to be honest with herself, says Katie. Can she really blame Louise for wanting to be with Richard? After all, it’s clear now as Louise gets older, that she’s never really been Sammy’s first priority. Remember when Sammy went on holiday and left the child on her own?
Sammy admits that she made a big mistake; but that was a misunderstanding. And anyway, Sammy reminds Katie that she went directly from being a schoolgirl to being a mother. Is it so wrong for her to want to have a little fun that she missed when she was younger?
But Louise wants stability, argues Katie. That’s why she wants to stay with Richard.
Stability? Scoffs Sammy. With Richard changing women weekly? No, Sammy’s made her mind up. She’s going to London and tell Richard that he can’t buy her off.
Katie warns Sammy that if she does that, she’ll risk alienating Louise.
But Sammy protests that she only wants to prove to Louise that she can be a good mother.
Jimmy and Helen sit in front of the Corkhill computer now, with a genealogical website filling the screen. Helen is duly impressed with Jimmy’s wizardry on the computer and Jimmy returns the compliment by flirting openly with her.
He instructs Helen to type in her mother’s name, and after she’s done so, as she moves the mouse, Jimmy’s hand instinctively rests on top of hers. Suddenly realising that he’s holding her hand, he removes his own, self-consciously. The two exchange bashful looks.
Ron’s sitting in the lounge at Number 8, dealing with the pile of junk mail that Max and Jacqui had saved for him. Rachel approaches him, and shyly thanks him for helping her with the ironing. She suddenly notices Ron stuffing pre-paid envelopes accompanying the junk mail and she asks him what he’s doing.
Ron explains to her that he sends all the junk mail back to the original sender, but in their own pre-paid envelopes. THAT way, he says, the people who sent the stuff have to pay for the postage.
He looks at some of the post with obvious disgust. It’s a cruel temptation, he reckons. This sort of stuff just forces innocent people into debt.
As Rachel the Dim hangs her head in shame, Ron continues. He wants Rachel to know that this is the way prison has changed him. The new Ron Dixon is past caring what he says to people. He merely speaks his mind - he’s learned enough about doing that in the past year. And he’s sorry if it hurts people, but he has to speak the truth. How can Rachel moan, he asks her gently, about doing a bit of work, when she’s got herself into such debt? The money that Jacqui pays her for this, only a tenner, but it will pay two weeks’ worth of payment toward the debt.
Mike enters the lounge, not being able to get back to sleep because of the fracas with the pig. He’s fed up, and Ron tells Mike that he’s fed up too. In fact, according to Ron, he wants to get away - from this area, from these people and from this house - but in the meantime, he says, he’s off to post this lot of junk mail back to its senders.
As Helen prepares to leave, she compliments Jimmy again about how impressed she is with his knowledge of the Web. She thanks him for helping her try to trace her mother. In fact, just to show him how grateful she is, she suggests that she take him for a drink the following week. How about the bar around the corner.
The couple agree to meet there next Wednesday at 7PM. When she leaves, Jimmy’s face assumes that smug, self-righteous look it wore when he was lording it over Jackie. He looks as pleased as the cat that ate the canary.
At the garage, Leanne is boring Adele to tears with her constant harping. She’s annoyed at the area manager’s complaint that this garage wasn’t making a dent in selling chocolate, she witters, as she grabs a chocolate bar from the tray. As far as Leanne is concerned, she continues, they get rid of enough chocolate.
But not through the till, deadpans Adele.
‘Hey,’ retorts Leanne, taking the jibe. ‘IYAM entitled to me staff discount!’
Looking toward the doorway, Leanne sees Jacqui enter the garage. THIS is just what she needs today, she mumbles to Adele, as Jacqui purposefully strides toward the till. Jacqui, with a confident and condescending smile on her face, tells Leanne that she understands that Leanne’s solicitor has contacted Max about being a witness in Leanne’s compensation trial. In fact, she says, the latest piece of correspondence from that solicitor wanted to know if Max would agree to testify.
Yes, well, Max isn’t like Jacqui, snaps Leanne, wildly. He’s decent and honest.
Exactly, quips Jacqui, as -before Leanne’s very eyes - she rips up the solicitor’s letter, which is why he’s decided NOT to testify. And as Leanne’s now without he star witness, Jacqui digs, there’s no way Leanne can continue to try to sue Bev. Oh, and while she’s here, she has something else for Leanne.
Digging into her bag, Jacqui extracts a cheque, made out to Leanne Powell, and puts it on the counter. Leanne stares at it, open-mouthed.
It’s the balance of Leanne’s yearly membership in the Health Club, Jacqui explains, poisoningly sweet.
‘Yer can’t kick me out!’ Shouts Leanne.
‘I can and I have,’ smiles Jacqui, gloatingly, and she informs Leanne that she is never to be allowed to enter the Health Club again. Oh, yes, and by the way, she’s barred from the bar as well.
And Jacqui turns on her heel and leaves.
Adele has witnessed the whole scene whilst stacking shelves, and she openly smiles triumphantly at a furiously helpless Leanne.
As Jacqui crosses the Parade from the garage, Ron emerges onto the Parade, having posted his letters. Katie Rogers hovers in the door of the surgery.
Jacqui reaches the pavement and suddenly clutches her stomach, doubling over in pain. Ron, alerted to the fact that Jacqui’s not well, runs toward her, calling out her name. Jacqui calls for him and suddenly collapses, unconscious.
Katie rushes toward Jacqui, calling out for Nisha, as Ron holds his daughter in his arms. There’s an awkward moment between Katie and Ron as she harshly demands to know from Ron what happened to Jacqui. Ron’s distraught and can’t answer.
When Nisha arrives, she takes control, turning Jacqui to the recovery position and shouting for someone to call an ambulance. For a moment, neither Ron nor Katie budge. Nisha screams for an ambulance yet again, and neither of them budge. Ron’s totally afraid for Jacqui and doesn’t want to leave her side, but the selfish bitch Katie, who’s determined to bring Jacqui down to her level, screams at him to go call an ambulance.
Poor Ron rises slowly, as if in a dream of disbelief, as the two women shriek at him to hurry. As he lumbers off, Nisha shouts after him to tell the ambulance crew that Jacqui’s in the early stages of pregnancy.
This fact astounds Ron, and he’s petrified by the knowledge. The scene and the programme ends with Nisha and the ski-nosed bitch shouting at Ron to get the ambulance.
Roy Boulter wrote this. It’s nothing of which to be proud.
Summary © 2002 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2002