HOW TO GO BLIND WATCHING BROOKSIDE
I really fear for some of the viewers - the male variety who seem to inhabit the cesspit that used to be the Newsgroup these days. Destined to go blind, they are. Why? Well, didn’t your mother ever tell you you’ll go blind playing with your willie - I’ll bet Ant’s stepmum tells him all the time.
I really despair of Brookside at the moment, so desperate for viewers and so even more desperate to re-establish a unique niche for itself in the British soap genre. It’s so desperate (forgive the repetition) that it’s willing to sacrifice its good reputation and its integrity just to cop a few extra bods on the seats. Quick. Gotta get the ratings up quick. Gotta get the ratings up, so let’s hike Alex Fletcher’s skirt up around her waist. There. That’s good. Great, Alex, black lacy knickers. Oo-er, Missus. Now let’s get Steve Pinder to shove her up against the wall. Close-up of their pube regions, modestly covered, of course.
OK, next scene. Alex on her back - knees UP! Good. Full shot of Stephen’s arse hanging out of his shirt. Great. Great reality, Neil. Say, know what’s missing? Just a tiny droplet of cum dropping down on Jacqui’s tummy. OK, let’s get make-up in here. We need some realistic-looking liquid - how about some wateredp-down mayonnaise - WHAT? Watershed? Who said anything about a watershed?
Whaddyamean KIDS are watching this? It’s the most natural thing in the world! And it DOES happen in hozzies! Errrm, how else are babies born, like?
The great dumbing-down of Brookside continues.
Please discuss on the forums, but NOT in a pub-like manner. Annabelle, please lead the way ...
This episode opens with a singularly disgusting scene. Jacqui lies on her back in an exam room at the hospital, clad in matching lacy black bra and panties, her knees apart and at right angles, as though she were waiting to have an internal pelvic examination.
But she’s not. She’s just had an internal pelvic examination, all right, courtesy of Max’s dick ... In the hospital ... In the afternoon ... After Max has discovered her to be safe from the car crash ... As you do ... NOT.
We glimpse Max from the waist down from behind, his saggy arse peeping from his inadequate shirt tail.
It’s GROSS. UNREALISTIC. TACKY. PORNOGRAPHIC. CHEAP. SENSATIONALIST. CRAP. (Anyone care to add anymore words?)
As Max helps Jacqui sit upright, his mobile phone suddenly rings. Jacqui, frantic at the thought of being discovered in flagrante delicto in a public place (which is against the law and could bring the wrong type of publicity to her business ventures), hurriedly pleads with Max to answer the phone as mobiles aren’t allowed to be turned on in hospitals (but wives are).
Max grabs the phone and answers it. It’s a call from Ron.
Back at the Bar, Bev and Nikki stand at the glass front door, whilst Bev writes boldly in white paint on the glass, proclaiming ‘GRAND OPENING’. Nikki is worried that Bev’s taken this publicity step, as she reckons that a gesture like this is not the sort of advertising Jacqui had in mind.
How else were people to know the place was open for business again? Bev says, sarcastically. At that moment, Jimmy leaves the bar, pushing past the two women and jolting Bev, causing her to make a mistake in the lettering. She calls out in annoyance to Jimmy.
Back at the hospital, both Farnhams are dressed and respectable now. Max is making sure Jacqui’s all right, and Jacqui assures him that the paramedics checked her over thoroughly.
Is Max absolutely certain that Jacqui was fine?
Really, she’s OK, says Jacqui. Why, she just walked away from the wreckage. The worst damage, she jokes, is to the car and the no-claims.
Max, convinced that she’s 100% ,gives vent to his feelings. Thank GOD she was all right! At the moment he heard she’d been involved in an accident, he knew then, he says, how much he wanted this baby that was coming.
Jacqui looks distinctly uneasy and turns away from Max. Again, she reiterates how scared she was of this pregnancy. It wasn’t like the other, she says (too right - there’s not £30k waiting for you at the end of nine months).
Max tries to encourage her interest in the child. This could be fun, he teases. Shopping for baby clothes, maybe getting a bigger house (er, aren’t they extending?).
Jacqui’s face crumples. She’s sorry, she apologises to Max, but she just doesn’t feel that way at all. In fact, she feels nothing for this baby (except that it’s an inconvenience).
Big Dire has noisily returned from the Salon. Is it me, or is she sounding more brassy like Brigid day by day? I actually thought Brigid was with her for a moment in this scene! She spies Marty outside the front door of Sitcom House.
SHE THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO FOOTBALL! She bellows.
Marty remarks that he was and - surprise, surprise - Dire was home from the Salon early, yet again.
DIRE EXPLAINS AT FULL PITCH THAT SHE HAS HAD A HELLUVA DAY, SPENT TWO HOURS HAVING TO DO HER MOOM’S HAIR. HAD TO STAND AROUND WHILE BRIGID THUMBED THROUGH MAGAZINES DECIDING WHICH ROYAL SHE WANTED TO LOOK LIKE. (Er, I’d deffo go for Prince Edward, Brigid. That bald spot - too much!)
Suddenly Dire pounces on Marty and starts to snog him voraciously, all this occurring outside in full view of everyone in The Close. Marty is surprised. No points for guessing this is Dire’s fertile period.
GOTTA MAKE USE OF EVERY MINUTE!!! Screeches the banshi.
Marty manages to push her plaster-of-paris gob away long enough to apprise her of the fact that Ant’s been in trouble again at school. One of his teachers had a word with Marty about the situation. Something about Ant laying into some kids in the toilet.
Dire is rendered speechless by this. More trouble? She thought that was over and done with? So now he’s being bullied by lads at the school. She’ll have to have a word with Ant.
No, protests Marty. She doesn’t understand. ANT stood up for himself, and Marty was made oop. Oh, this was only a one-off, he didn’t think it was any serious bullying; however, he knew one day, Ant would come out on top. Of course, Marty mutters, he would much rather have seen the lad see off that Imelda one.
Suddenly, hormones surge in Marty’s stout groin and he grabs Dire and pulls her to him, snogging her and pulling her toward the house as she screeches and giggles at the top of her lungs. Across the Close, the Dixons, booted and suited, leave for the opening do. Ron stops briefly and watches the Murrays’ horseplay with thinly disguised envy.
Dire screeches that SHE’S NOT IN THE MOOD. WAIT UNTIL LATER!!! Whilst Marty promises to shag her socks off.
Charming.
Max is standing over an upset Jacqui in the examination room. He tries to soothe her by telling her that her reaction to this baby is nothing short of normal. Why, Patricia and Susannah reacted the same way when they first fell pregnant. They thought it all a great inconvenience, and neither of them wanted children at first. The maternal feelings come later, he says, persuasively.
Jacqui wails that this whole episode is not fair on her. (It’s not fair on us, either Jacqui, having to watch such shit).
Max loses patience then, accusing her of being stubborn, just like Susannah. Why, she was so much like Susannah at times, it was uncanny.
Jacqui shouts that she’s NOT Susannah!
Jimmy enters Hotel Corkhill. Although there’s no sight or sound of Dimily, the lights are all on and the television is on as well. Jimmy sarcastically invites the unseen couple to use all his lekkie and use his television too ... In fact, throw ALL Jim’s cash down the bog. Suddenly he takes notice of what’s on the television screen and stops.
There’s a news conferance about to start, featuring Imelda Clough’s mother. She’s a thick-set, crop-haired, thuggy-looking woman, but not the same thick-set, crop-haired, thuggy-looking actress who previously played her. This Mrs Clough has red hair.
Imelda’s mum tearfully pleads for her absent daughter to come home. The family want her back, she weeps, and Imelda must miss her family. A person is nothing without their family, she says. Jimmy nods, and sadly agrees with the woman’s last sentiment.
Back at the Bar, Bev receives a telephone call from Jacqui, telling her about the accident. Bev feigns concern, but after the conversation, apprising Nikki, she tells the girl that there’s bad news about the accident. Jacqui will be able to attend the opening after all. (I hope Jacqui sacks both their arses).
Max and Jacqui sit in Max’s car in the hospital carpark. Max is determined to talk to Jacqui about her feelings. Jacqui tells Max that she doesn’t want to stick a knife in him, but it’s obvious why he wants this baby - it’s a replacement for the children he lost with Susannah, and - by extension - she’s a replacement for Susannah too. It’s all to do with this guilt thing Max has over Susannah. Well, Jacqui couldn’t turn into another Susannah and risk Max having another Fay thing on the side (or even a Gaby thing).
It’s like the future will never happen with Max, she cries. In fact, she felt that Max was trying to put right all that had gone wrong in his life; and to do that, he wants Jacqui to become Susannah. He didn’t realise how terrified she was of having this baby!
Back at the Bar, Ron, Mike and Rachel arrive.
Antony has finally made it home from school, only to face a Spanish Inquisition (Catholics go in good for this sort of questioning) from his over-bearing stepmother. No wonder Ant has the look these days of a rabbit caught in the glare of headlights! Can anyone imagine facing up to Imelda Clough daily at school and returning home to Dire? Crikey! That’s a frightening thought.
Anyway, Dire descends on the lad as soon as she lays eyes on him. Bending over to reach his height level, Dire creeps along behind the child, hot on his every step. Antony never talks to Dire anymore, she whines. Why doesn’t Antony tell Mummy about his day at school? Antony USED to talk to Mummy about everything. (Shut up, woman! The kid’s growing UP!) Oooh, tell Mummy about the fight that happened in the loo at school. Oooh, if only Ant would talk about it to Mummy, Mummy would kiss it better and work it all out.
Antony’s looking increasingly desperate and tries to break into a flight away from this singularly oppressive woman. (Maybe he’s realising how awful she is now!) As he tries to make his escape, Dire reverts to form, bellowing, ‘DON’T DISAPPEAR UNTIL I’VE TALKED TO YOU!!!’
But Ant is stopped short in his tracks by the television, broadcasting the press conference with Mrs Clough. Antony stands transfixed before the telly.
The upwardly-mobile Farnhams are still debating the pregnancy of Mrs Farnham, in Max’s car, in the hospital car park. Maxim remarks that he’s always felt that there was something special between him and Jacqui. He felt that the first time when she was pregnant with Harry and they were trapped under the rubble in one of the many Brookside explosions (this one on the Parade and caused by Ron Dixon).
Jacqui wonders, sullenly, if that were only because she was carrying his child at the time.
Max continues. Maybe, he muses analytically, he felt that because he couldn’t replace Susannah, that he wasn’t entitled to have anyone else; but Jacqui was always there for him. He wants to promise Jacqui so much, he witters, but he was useless at promises; he couldn’t keep them. (Like marriage vows, eh, Max?) But he honestly thought today, that he’d lost Jacqui. And he felt in that instance, that if he’d lost her, he wouldn’t be able to carry on without her.
He tells her he wants to grow old with her - with her, Harry, Emma and the baby.
Jacqui murmurs that she knows that. But that pregnancy was different, she says, and they viewed that from the prospective of having a shop fall on top of them. (Er, actually, it was the roof of Jacqui’s flat).
Max is hopeful, hearing this remark. Well, look at this pregnancy. Surely, this accident is almost like a good omen. Max reminisces about the explosion back in early 1998, and Jacqui suffering pains as a result, with Max accompanying her to the hospital. Remember how they kept Jacqui in for observations and ran all those tests on her to ensure Harry was all right? Did they run the same tests this time? He asks.
Jacqui suddenly looks very evasive and tries to deflect Max’s question. Max susses that Jacqui didn’t tell the doctors in A & E that she was even pregnant. Why, this is terrible, he says. They have to go back inside, right now. She has to see someone; it’s got to be determined if the baby’ OK.
Jacqui protests. There’s nothing wrong with her, she says, and she feels fine. Surely, there can’t be anything wrong with the baby -
But what if the child isn’t OK? Asks Max, in a panic. Then he stops, noticing the helplessly self-pitying look on Jacqui’s face. He’s horrified to even surmise that this just might be what Jacqui was hoping would happen - that the accident would result in her losing the baby. That’s what she’s hoping for, isn’t it? Max whispers, aghast.
Back at the bar, with the opening in full swing, Nikki’s concerned about Jimmy, who’s returned and who now sits at the bar, quaffing glass after glass of wine. Nikki approaches him and warns him to lay off the booze.
Jimmy, glancing at her over his shoulder, tells her to leave him alone. He’s fine and is enjoying himself.
Nearby, Sammy’s sitting at a table with Sol, and she’s much worse the wear for drink. Sol wants to leave, but Sammy tries to stop him, drunkenly suggesting that they have a few more drinks. A few more, she jokes, tipsily, and she’s anyone’s. If Sol didn’t want to stay here, they could go elsewhere. Never know where they might end up. The night is young and she wants to party.
Sol warns her that it’s a school night and she might want to be at home for Louise.
Ron is sitting at the bar and is greeted by Bev, who remarks sociably that it’s great to see Ron across one of these bars and not the other kind. Ron tells Bev that he only stopped by briefly, but the place looks as though it’s busy.
Bev remarks to Ron what it’s like working for Jacqui, telling him that his Jacqui is as hard as nails, but if anyone could make the bar bounce back, it would be her. She admits to Ron that she’s finding it hard to shake off her problems, and it’s even more difficult playing second fiddle in a premises she used to own, but she’s trying not to feel sorry for herself.
She serves Ron a drink, but refuses to accept his money, saying it’s on the house.
Jimmy’s sitting at the bar, nearby to Ron. As Bev bends over to replenish the bottled drinks supply, Ron bends over the bar and openly eyes Bev’s upturned bum, whilst Jimmy’s vantage point offers him a prime view of Bev’s ample cleavage. (Tacky scene, Neil Jones. We aren’t amused).
Ant is sitting desperately alone in the sitcom lounge later in the evening, when the doorbell rings. His face assumes a panic-stricken look, as he can’t get the press conference out of his mind. Frozen, he makes no move to answer the door. The bell rings again.
Big Dire steps into the sitcom lounge from the sitcom kitchen and orders the boy to open the door, reckoning it’s Marty. She starts a complaint about Marty insisting on ringing the doorbell and not taking his key with him.
Ant approaches the door. The instant he opens it, however, he’s snatched outside by Imelda’s oldest brother (played by none other than the older brother of Philip Olivier - tell me, he got the job based on acting talent, alone).
Mrs Clough waits outside, as the brother roughly pulls the lad up to face her. Antony immediately begins to scream at the top of his voice. Mrs Clough screams even louder, putting her ugly, common face down to his level and accusing him of ruining her life by driving Imelda away. All of this was Ant’s fault. Why, Imelda could be anywhere, even dead.
Ant is screaming and crying now at the top of his lungs. Dire, hearing the ruckus, runs out and manages to pull Antony from the grasp of both the Cloughs. Ant clings desperately to her waist as she shouts and screams back at the lowlifes.
(What I can’t understand is why, after all this happened, the Murrays didn’t call the police?)
Ron is still propping up the bar and watching Bev serve other customers. He’s joined by Mike. Sol approaches the bar and stands beside Ron. Bev has to bend over once again to retrieve some bottled drinks. The camera show Sol leering at another gratuitous shot of Beb’s up-ended backside.
Literally licking his lips, Sol turns to Mike Dixon, indicating Bev’s arse and murmurs,’ Couldn’t you just ...’
‘I have, mate,’ replies Mike.
‘And me,’ asserts Ron.
Suddenly, Jimmy pops up like a lewd jack-in-the-box between Sol and Mike and proclaims the distinction of having had Bev on the pool table.
This is supposed to be an amusing scene. It’s degrading and sexist. The writer should be shot.
The Clough-Murray row is also in full swing. Dire matches Mrs Clough insult for insult, calling her a vindictive cow, and just as bad as her daughter, coming around to bully a child.
Mrs Clough blames Antony for Imelda’s disappearance, accusing him of turning all of Imelda’s friends against her. Why, in the end, no one wanted anything to do with Imelda, which is probably why she went away.
Dire agrees that Imelda had a problem, a big one with her attitude, and a body didn’t have to look far to see where she got that, she adds.
Dire should talk, remarks Mrs Clough. It’s easy to see why Antony’s the way he is. Why, Dire and Marty are probably those sort of parents who won’t admit that there’s a problem with their child’s behaviour.
The shouting and screaming between the two women continues.
Jacqui and a much subdued Max arrive at the bar, finally; but Jacqui is appalled by the fact that Bev has advertised the bar’s opening by writing on the windows.
Ant is still crying piteously, as the Murrays and the Cloughs hurl insults at one another. Marty arrives on the scene and involves himself, trying to get the Cloughs to leave his property. Brother Olivier Clough taunts Marty, asking if he’s going to nut the lad again. Between Dire and Marty, they manage to get the repulsive people to leave and they bundle Ant into the safety of the house.
At the bar, Sammy is drunk. Before Jacqui’s eyes, she staggers to the bar to stand beside Sol and manages to push some glasses of drink onto the floor, making a mess. She staggers off after Sol, who tactfully moves to another part of the bar, as Jacqui glares at him.
Jacqui turns to Bev in consternation, asking her how Sammy managed to get into that state. Sammy was supposed to be working there that evening. Bev stammers helplessly that Sammy left earlier to go back to the Health Club. She returned later on with Sol and had been drinking ever since.
Jacqui ticks Bev off, asking her why the hell she allowed Sammy to leave the premises in the first place. Sammy was contracted to work there until 9PM. Why did Bev let her go?
There was nothing she could do, protests Bev, innocently, and anyway, she wasn’t Sammy’s boss.
In the absence of Jacqui, Bev was, Jacqui points out. Now Bev could just see about clearing up the mess Sammy had made before someone gets hurt.
Bev pointedly refuses to clear up the mess of broken glass and spilled drink, announcing that she was taking he break now, in order to check on her child.
As Bev strides from the bar, she catches sight of Ron Dixon, sitting dejectedly on a bench outside. She approaches him with some concern, asking if he’s OK. Why, she’s never seen Ron so low.
Ron looks at Bev bleakly, admitting for the first time that he had nothing to look forward to in life. He feels he’s going to end up on his own and lonely.
Bev is touched, telling Ron that all he needed was a bit of TLC and a little cuddle. She liked to think that the two of them, who’d been through so much together, could share a cuddle, and she takes Ron in her arms.
At that moment, Jimmy steps from the bar and watches the scene from a distance, with obvious envy in his eyes. Jacqui also steps onto The Parade and sees the scene unfold.
Bev suggests that Ron accompany her upstairs to her flat, forgetting all about Josh, and she would try to cheer him up. Ron is hopeful, but for the wrong reasons, and Jimmy watches the couple disappear upstairs.
He stands there for awhile, and Dr Nikki, ever on the lookout for her patient, appears from within the bar. She asks succinctly what Jimmy’s doing standing outside on his own. Jimmy lies and says that he was seeing Bev off on her break.
Nikki tells Jimmy that she’s decided to see Jerome, after all, giving him a chance to air his views.
Jimmy suddenly mentions the word ‘voluptuous’. A person can’t use that word to describe a woman these days, he remarks. To women, they think it means ‘fat’. Men like voluptuous women, he tells a puzzled Nikki. They like a woman with curves, something they can get a handle on, not these stick insects.
Dr Nikki wrinkles her brow even more.
‘Child-bearing hips,’ says Jimmy, becoming increasingly agitated. That’s what he wants. And he begins to cry. That’s supposed to be genetic, isn’t it, child-bearing hips? He asks. He wants a woman with child-bearing hips and he wants a baby, someone to give him a baby.
Nikki is rendered speechless by this outburst, as Mike and Rachel leave the bar. Mike asks Nikki if Jimmy’s OK. Perhaps he could take Jimmy home, he offers.
Jimmy cries plaintively that he wants a woman and a baby. He needs to be normal, he wails.
Nikki looks very worried, wondering what she’s taken on in responsibility.
Back at Sitcom House, Ant is lying on the sitcom sofa, crying hysterically, and being comforted by Dire and Marty (which is probably why he’s crying). Dire urges Ant to take no notice of the Cloughs, as Ant continues to wail. The Cloughs have only themselves to blame for Imelda’s predicament, that was plain for all to see - there was something wrong with that family.
At least Ant was standing up for himself now, says Marty, encouragingly. He assures Ant that he has nothing to worry about from the Cloughs.
Ant continues sobbing uncontrollably.
Meanwhile, Ron and Bev, Josh forgotten (how EASILY characters forget their children on Brookside), have adjourned to Bev’s flat. As Ron relaxes and Bev prepares some drinks, she takes advantage of the situation to further bemoan her fate of late to Ron.
Time was, she says, moving about the flat as Ron eyes her ample backside lasciviously, she was the owner of that Bar downstars. Look at her now! Manager? Pah! Why, she was nothing more than a jumped-up barmaid, having to work all the hours God sends! She couldn’t spend anytime with Josh because of that, and because she was working too, there was no chance she’d meet any decent fellas. (Er, has Bev’s divorce from Fred become final? THAT should be mentioned).
Now, her biggest concern, she continues, is child care. She simply couldn’t afford decent child care for Joah. (Er, who looked after Josh before?) As Bev drones on and on, it becomes obvious that she’s a little tipsy, herself.
Ron listens to her a bit, eyeing her up and down, before he suddenly realises what he’s feeling, He stands up and tells Bev that he thinks it’s time he left.
Bev protests. Ron shouldn’t feel he has to go. Why, Ron could stay as long as he wanted.
Ron’s eyes light up at what he interprets as being an open invitation. Could he stay the night? He ventures to ask.
Of course, says Bev, easily. She’d just get a blanket and sheet and prepare the sofa, and she starts to move past Ron.
Ron stops her, putting a hand on both of her forearms. He didn’t mean the sofa, he says, huskily. How about sharing Bev’s bed, and he pins her against the breakfast bar, rubs himself against her and tries to snog her. We are treated to a full-length shot of Bev up against the bar, as Ron breathes heavily on her neck and rubs his hand up and down the length of her bare thigh (somehow, her skirt has been raised).
Bev protests vociferously and succeeds in pushing Ron away, telling him to ‘Get OFF!’
Ron is hurt by such a blatant rejection and lashes out verbally. Why did Bev do that to him? She wouldn’t do for him, but she would do for her gay lover, he remarks.
Bev is astonished and asks Ron what he means. Ron tells her bluntly that the would put out for the likes of Fred, but with Ron, suddenly she’s become all fussy. That’s a first for Bev, isn’t it?
Bev is stung by these remarks, and Ron sees quickly that he’s hurt her. He immediately apologises profusely.
Bev is too shocked to speak for a moment, but soon she’s wondering aloud at receiving this sort of treatment, when she only tried to be a friend to Ron.
Ron continues muttering frantic apologies, saying he lost control of himself, he’d been inside for four months, yadda yadda.
Bev tries to calm him down, urging him to forget about the incident, but Ron - near tears now - dashes off, repeatedly mouthing his apologies.
Bev desperately calls after him, but he runs away.
Downstairs in the Bar, Jacqui happens upon a downcast Max, sitting on his own at a small table. She sits down tenderly beside him, remarking that she hasn’t seen him this low since Susannah died. (Well, Jacqui, your attitude DID have a way of deflating him).
Max glances morosely at Jacqui, mumbling that he’s sorry if he’s spoiled her opening. It’s just that he had such plans when he heard she was pregnant - taking the three kids and Jacqui to Disneyland in a few years’ time ...
Well, he hasn’t spoiled her opening, insists Jacqui, and it’s about time she bucked up her own ideas as well. She tells Max that she’s determined to have this baby, and she’s going to start getting used to the idea. She’s certain that she’ll feel different once the baby’s arrived.
Max and Jacqui embrace joyfully, but Jacqui’s happiness is shortlived, as Sammy staggers by, in a drunken haze, following Sol, who’s trying to leave the bar. Sammy is loudly suggesting, nay, demanding that she and Sol continue their party elsewhere? Sol isn’t too keen. It’s a bit too late to go downtown.
What about continuing their party upstairs at the flat? Sammy suggests, pushing herself against Sol, who’s trapped by the bar.
Isn’t Sammy worried about her babysitter? Sol asks, trying to extricate himself from the situation.
Why bother? Sammy says suggestively, she could always sleep somewhere else.
And as Sol makes a dash out the door of the bar, Sammy follows noisily.
Jacqui, horrified, has followed the couple, along with Max, to witness this conversation. That’s too much for her to bear, she says, adamantly. That’s it. She’s got her now! SAMMY was OUT!
And so am I ... To watch the soap which wins all the awards.
Neil Jones wrote this embarrassing piece of rot.
Summary © 2002 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2002