One of these days I’ll challenge myself to write a whole episode summary in words of one syllable or less, which would appease the lowest common denominator of viewers, who seem to be the only sort left watching this programme at the moment. Or maybe I should try writing the summary in text?
I feel that the erudite souls inhabiting the Brooksider and Soapbox websites are being let down by Brookside. It promises, but it patently doesn’t deliver. We, who have watched the show for yonks, are occasionally thrown the crumbs from a banquet table which last about a week, and then we’re dished the same old shit as before.
We then have to suffer puerile storylines written for puerile viewers and constructed in such a way that the storyline is lost in party political broadcasts, which are obviously aimed to educate and reform the gymslip and wank brigade attracted by Paul Marquess, but which only succeed in going right over their heads.
And now we read that Kerry Katona, ex-of Atomic Kitten is to join the cast. I think this is the last straw. It reeks of desperation. It stinks. It’s an insult to what was once a good show and now is an increasingly redolent pile of shit.
And now for something completely different, a personal message to two people who have seen fit recently to attack not only me, but also my family on the Official Forum.
1) To the nasty, little piece from Essex who got rather personal about me, basically because her own ignorance was shown up in her inability to express herself. If she thinks the drubbing she’s got from me is bad, she should never ever consider going to university. It might prove just too much for the single cell inhabiting her brain. I can only think of three women of note to have come from Essex and been successful - Theresa Gorman, Sandie Shaw and Denise Van Outen. You ain’t close to none of them, baby!
2) To the wannabe actress who’s half-Ulster and hates the Irish, a Spanish turn of phrase for you. Que se joda, porque no hay nadie lo haria para te!
And now to Brookside:-
Max is loitering outside the Farnham loo one morning, listening to the grating sounds of his wife paying homage to the porcelain god. (Official Forum TWB’s: This means Max is standing outside the loo listening to Jacqui having a puke inside, understand? Good. Now we can continue).
Finally, Jacqui emerges, looking a bit green around the gills. Max asks the question that seems to be on everyone’s lips in Brookside these days about everyone else:
‘Are you O K?’
Jacqui clutches her tummy and admits that she feels a bit dodgy. Max suggests that she lie down for awhile. He even offers to stay with the kids until Rachel arrives for the day.
This suggestion gets Jacqui’s back up and she immediately begins to faff about rapidly and aimlessly. This isn’t on, she explains, pointlessly. She has things to do yadda yadda. She’s got to get the Bar AND the Creche up and running in no time and ...
Max interrupts to ask Jacqui if she’s sure that she’s up to all this physically.
Jacqui replies, pushing brusquely past Max, that she’s got a lot on her mind at the moment.
‘A lot except the baby,’ quips Max, hot on her departing heels.
As the couple approach the Farnham Stairs of Death, the kids begin to play up downstairs, and Jacqui allows this to deliberately distract her, in an effort to avoid talking to Max.
As she runs downstairs, Max shouts after her that they’ll talk properly later on.
Across the Close at Sitcom House, Plank Murray has properly repaired the half-arse hole that Tim made and tried to repair the previous day. Dire and Marty stand in the Sitcom Kitchen, as Plank enters, announcing that he’d done the repair. Ah, but he’s a natural with wood is our Plank. It’s in his genes (that’s as in DNA, NOT his kex).
Once Dire’ attention is drawn to Plank, she immediately starts her party game of telling him off at the top of that brassy, stentorian voice we’ve all come to know and dread. Whatever was he thinking of, doing a job like that in his NORMAL clothes?
Plank ignores her, as most of the Murray family have learned in the past year to ignore anything Dire says in that tone of voice or, indeed, anyother, and addresses Marty, speculating about the possibility of putting shelves over the spot where the hole had been made with Tim’s inexpert drilling.
As Marty thinks about this possibility, Plank announces he’s off to Hotel Corkhill to put right the damage on their side of the wall. Dire doesn’t like this proposition one bit, and makes her objections known. After all, THEY put a hole in the Murrays’ wall and now Plank wants to mend THEIR wall.
Plank retorts that he only wants to see the job properly done, unless Dire fancied breaking the wall through to the next property and sharing a house with ‘that lot’.
That shuts the whinging bitch up, but not for long. Immediately, she begins whining and worrying about where Antony is. Marty tells her that Ant went out earlier that morning.
Well, Dire mouths off her irrepressible gob, she certainly hopes he’s back in time for HER birthday tea tonight! (Has it really been one year since Dire was 40 and turned 37? This must mean that she’s now either 41 or 38, depending on whatever Brookside writer is constructing the episode. And it also means that it’s been a year since the Johnson-Murray baby that wasn’t was conceived).
And where exactly did Antony go? She interrogates. He must have told someone.
Plank replies, saying that Ant told him he was off out to play football with the lads. The Murray parents are gob-smacked at that revelation; in fact, Marty is puzzled.
Plank, showing more emotion than he has all year, is amused by his parents’ reaction and remarks that Antony would be out chasing girls and smashing windows next.
Next door at Hotel Corkhill, the O’Leary make-over has been completed. The walls of the lounge are now a bright robin’s egg blue. Emily and Nikki stand in the middle of the lounge, surveying Tim’s dab paintwork. Emily witters about how they would have loved to do a complete make-over of the room, but they simply didn’t have the dosh.
Dr Nikki is more concerned about her patient’s reaction to the change of colour. Screwing up her forehead in imitation of a serious psychology student, Nikki warns Emily knowingly that colours can sometimes change people’s moods. She isn’t sure how Jimmy will react.
Emily is frightened by her insipid sister’s silly remark and voices concern that Jimmy might suddenly go psycho on them.
Dr Nikki immediately assumes the moral high ground that she’s inherited from Jacqui Farnham. Doesn’t Emily realise that the people in that house were the only mates Jimmy has? (And whose fault is that?) How can Emily be so selfish? And furthermore, when Jimmy comes out of hospital, she, Dr Nikki, intended to be his home support. Emily would do well to remember, she lectures, that it was Jimmy who took Dimily in, when no one else would touch them with a barge pole.
Emily retorts that she’s well grateful to Jimmy for what he’s done for her and Tim. After all, wasn’t it Tim who provided Jimmy with a new kitchen and a new bog? And Nikki wasn’t to come running to her, when the snide comments started being made about the way Nikki was carrying on after Jimmy. And by the way, had Nikki thought to even tell Ray and their grandmother about her Home Support plan?
Nikki does her classic turn of looking away from the person addressing her, when she’s ashamed of herself. No, she replies, adding that she thought Ray and Jessie had enough on their plate with the bungalow and Helen.
And what about Jerome? Questions Emily.
Nikki, further embarrassed, admits that the couple had a row and that Jerome has ‘done one’. He was sulking and staying with some mates. (Er, sorry, but what happened to Jerome’s supermodel mother with whom he was supposedly so close? Why isn’t he staying with her?)
That’s one good thing to come out of this, comments Emily, roughly. And good riddance to Jerome. The man couldn’t keep it in his pants, and he wasn’t worth Nikki’s time. (And so say virtually ALL of the viewers. Is Emily becoming the people’s heroine?)
As Nisha and Katie are preparing to go to work, Sammy is rummaging around the piles of mess in the flat, looking for a favourite top. Glancing briefly over her shoulder, Nisha suggests that Sammy try looking for the top in the pile of washing. As she finds the top, Sammy also finds a cheeky note from Nisha near the rubbish bin, telling Sammy that if she didn’t do her own laundry, Nisha would bin Sammy’s dirty knickers.
Antony Murray approaches the woods where he had his last encounter with Imelda.
Plank has come by Hotel Corkhill and is repairing their side of the hole in the wall. Tim is out doing a job for Plank, and Emily asks Plank why he’s not with Tim. Plank replies that he thought he could best manage doing this.
But, she persists, she thought Plank and Tim were business partners of a sort.
Plank explains that Tim’s standing in for someone at a garage today.
Emily is puzzled, but relieved. She thought Plank had Tim out on the rob. No, answers Plank. This job is legit.
But Plank is still robbing, observes Emily, piously, taking jobs for cash in hand and claiming benefit.
Plank shakes his head. He’s not signing on, he says. (But he’s STILL robbing Inland Revenue. Do you honestly think Steve Murray’s keeping accounting books and paying tax? Is he, bollocks! So he’s not claiming benefit, but he’s not paying income tax or National Insurance either).
Emily asks curiously how much Plank makes for a car job.
Plank replies that, depending on the job, he could make a few hundred. Then he turns tables and asks Emily how Tim’s faring with his van business.
Emily looks a mite uneasy, but manages to lie and say that Tim is just snowed under with offers.
Antony still walks slowly through the woods.
Sammy is now running late for work. As she’s about to depart, she stops suddenly and asks Katie if she would do Sammy a favour. She explains that a group from the Health Club are going for a drink after work and Sammy had planned on going. Would Katie be a dear and mind Louise for Sammy this evening? Katie immediately susses Sammy’s intent and sarcastically comments on the fact that Sammy’s real desire to go on this drinks thing was in order to flirt with Sol; but she screws up her normally miserable face and reluctantly agrees, telling Sammy that her sister treated her like the mug that she is.
Antony is still walking deeper into the woods, in the direction of the place where Imelda met her fate. Not looking where he’s treading, he trips in almost the exact same spot where he’d tripped before. Getting up, he’s drawn to the pond nearby. Slowly, he forces himself to look into the water, but he (and we) see nothing untoward. (Where IS Imelda’s body? Surely someone would have discovered it by now?)
Suddenly, he’s startled by the sound of a dog barking in the distance. Antony runs off.
Rachel has arrived at Chateau Farnham, and Jacqui is preparing to leave. She has a favour to ask Rachel, however. Would Rachel mind awfully doing Jacqui’s grocery shopping for her? She feels bad asking, knowing that some people get awkward when they are paid to do one thing and then get asked to do another.
Rachel doesn’t mind, she says, as Jacqui digs in her bulging wallet for the money necessary (although how Rachel’s going to manage three toddlers and a week’s shopping is beyond me). She carries on wittering, wondering how Jacqui manages everything - husband, two kids, starting a creche and a bar. Oooh, she continues, nosily, and pardon her for asking, but was something going on between Jacqui and Max earlier - only Jacqui seems a bit tense now.
Jacqui fobs Rachel off by saying the problem would probably sort itself out.
Rachel seems to take the hint that Jacqui’s telling her to butt out, but she advises Jacqui, in a Julia Broganesque sort of way that she knows what it’s like to have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and if Jacqui ever needs to talk -
Jacqui tells Rachel, shortly, not to worry.
Antony’s run out of the woods and finds himself in the graveyard of his parish church. Standing amidst the graves and staring up at the steeple, he begins to cry, but ultimately he decides to go inside.
There’s a knock on the door of Jimmy’s hospital room, and Dr Nikki’s frizzy head appears. Jimmy is pleasantly surprised, as he wasn’t expecting her. Why, she should be out doing some shopping, not whiling away the time in a looney bin.
Nikki has brought some post that’s come for Jimmy and gives him some Easter cards from Lindsey and Kylie; besides, she confesses, she has another reason for seeing Jimmy too.
Why? Jokes Jimmy. Does she want to tell him that Dimily have wrecked the place?
Nikki tells Jimmy that she’s going to have a word with his Psychiatric Support Team, with a view to becoming his home support.
Jimmy’s face turns to stone. That is NOT a good idea, he advises her.
Nikki is shocked. She thought for sure Jim would be made up with the suggestion.
Jimmy shakes his head adamantly. He wouldn’t allow Lindsey to take care of him, he vows, and he won’t allow Nikki.
Nikki’s even more shocked and that much more taken aback when Jimmy points out her thoughtless arrogance, by saying that she should have consulted with Jimmy about this first, instead of barging into the room and ANNOUNCING it as a fait accompli. Nikki needs to think about what this will mean to BOTH of them, the Sage cautions wisely.
It must be Saturday, the day after Good Friday, because on Good Friday, no Sacraments can be performed in the Catholic Church. Antony is now inside the Church. He spies a confessional and goes into the cubicle.He begins his confession, saying that it’s been one month since his last confession. As he begins his confession, he’s suddenly tongue-tied by the enormity of the deed he has committed, and - overcome - he dashes out.
Nikki steps into the corridor outside Jimmy’s room and stops a passing nurse.
Antony sits on his own outside the church, weeping.
Nikki re-enters Jim’s room to find him gaxing at the Easter card sent to him from Kylie. He tells Nikki to thank the little girl for him, when Lindsey calls. Nikki asks if he got an Easter card from Wills. Ah, well, Jackie would be in charge of that, remarks Jimmy, sarcastically, so no card from Wills.
Nikki confesses that she’s had a word with a nurse about becoming Jimmy’s home support, and that the nurse thinks Nikki’s got a really good idea. (So, Nikki steps into the hall, grabs a passing nurse, any nurse, and bombards her with silly questions and proposals. The woman probably said ‘Good idea’ just to be rid of Nikki’s annoying presence).
Jimmy doesn’t belong in here, she says. He needs to be at home and they need to sort out the details of her care.
Jimmy is momentarily befuddled. Just why is Nikki doing this? He wants to know.
Nikki asks why she shouldn’t do it, which prompts Jimmy to remark that Nikki’s half-way to being a shrink herself, by answering a question with a question, which swells Nikki’s arrogant ego to no end. She then explains to Jimmy that she knows how it feels to be stigmatised the way Jimmy as, to be treated so delicately that people are afraid to be around you. She feels that she and Jimmy relate to one another. What a load of bunkum and lecture about the state of the NHS, mental health yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda yadda ...
It’s 6:30 PM now, and the Murrays are beginning to worry because Ant hasn’t shown up. As Dire twitters, Plank wonders why Antony would want to hurry back for a family do and a bit of fizzy plonk. Why, a few weeks ago, Dire wouldn’t have let the lad out without a bodyguard. Having received a steel-melting glance from his stepmother’s wicked eyes, Plank promises to go out looking for the lad if he’s not back in 10 minutes.
At that moment, the front door opens and Antony enters, bearing a birthday card for Dire. Relieved to see the lad, Dire hugs and kisses him, in a over-the-top display of motherliness. Antony suddenly asks Dire if she loves him.
Dire assures the boy that she’ll always love him.
No matter what? Ant asks.
Dire is puzzled by that remark and asks Ant what he means. Antony tells her simply that he just loves her.
Jacqui has returned home and pays Rachel her wages, while Rachel gives Jacqui the change from the shopping money and tells Jacqui that she’s even put the shopping away for her.
As the two women chat about this, Max arrives. As soon as he sees the two in conversation, he makes an incorrect assumption, inserts his foot into his own mouth and shoves. Oh, he greets them happily, has Jacqui told Rachel the good news then?
Rachel is puzzled. What good news? Has Jacqui got some sort of secret?
Jacqui immediately starts to plead with Max not to say anything more, and when Max asks why he shouldn’t, she desperately says that it’s bad luck to tell so soon.
Max ignores her and announces to Rachel that he and Jacqui were having a baby, due in November. Rachel can’t contain her joy, as she kisses both Jacqui and Max, wittering that she can’t wait to tell Mike.
Jacqui panics and stops her. She doesn’t want Rachel telling ANYONE, she warns.
Antony sits in his room, with a bag open on the floor in front of him. It contains all the icons and statues he’s put away that were formerly on display in his room. He lays the statues out on the floor and takes out a large metal crucifix.
Nisha and Katie are preparing to spend a Saturday night in, Katie because she’s so sad no one wants anything to do with her, and Nisha because she’s shagged just about every male under 40 with a live pulse rate in the Merseyside area, and probably has a reputation of being a slapper par excellence, but she tells herself it’s because she’s revising for her Nurse Prescriber’s exam, which takes place the following week.
Sammy, in Nisha’s words, is off to a chug fest. Sammy stops by the lounge briefly on her way out, to thank Katie for minding Louise. They’re all present and accounted for, says Katie, and Louise is in the bedroom watching a video. Sammy leaves.
Clutching the crucifix and gazing at the statues laid out before him, Antony suddenly begins to smash them.
After Rachel has gone home, Max apologises to Jacqui for telling her. He simply couldn’t contain his excitement, he says.
Well, he should have tried, remonstrates Jacqui. Now Rachel will tell Mike and Mike will tell Ron. At this rate, the whole Close will know she’s pregnant before long.
Max reminds her that this pregnancy needn’t be a secret kept in Chester.
Jacqui replies that she doesn’t want anyone to know until she’s sure how she feels about the pregnancy, herself.
But this is good news, Max protests.
As Nisha studies and Katie does nothing, the door to the flat opens and Sammy returns, laden with bottles of drink. Nisha remarks sarcastically that it looks as though Sammy was stood up, and reminds her that Sol IS married. (So is Dr Parr). Maybe he wasn’t into slappers, she quips.
Sammy retorts that Nisha was a fine one to talk about fidelity, with her bed romp with Jerome Johnson. Anyway, she’d brought some drink, so they all could partake.
Max and Jacqui are finally having a heart-to-heart about her pregnancy. It’s got to be sorted out, Max says. Jacqui HAS been acting strangely since she found out she was pregnant.
Jacqui puts her behaviour down to hormones, but Max doesn’t believe her. Why else would she argue with Max about telling her family that she was pregnant?
In an effort to avoid discussion, Jacqui reminds Max that he’s due at the restaurant this evening. If he doesn’t hurry, he’ll be late. Max vows that he’s going no place until they sort this problem out. Jacqui must tell him why she’s so upset by her pregnancy.
Dr Nikki has returned to Hotel Corkhill and smugly informed her more down-to-earth sister of her intentions of becoming Jimmy’s home support. Emily, needless to say, is aghast. She can’t believe Nikki would be so stupid as to get rid of one loser only to take on another.
Just then, the phone rings and Nikki answers it. Surprise, surprise! It’s
Long-Lost Lindsey. The two women have a conversation about Nikki taking on the
role as Jimmy’s carer. Lindsey suggests that Nikki will be wanting a salary,
whilst philanthropic Dr Nikki, who’ll bully her grandmother to the old
woman’s grave for a red copper penny, solemnly swears that she wants no
pay for what is a
e and caring duty. After all, Jimmy’s done a lot
for Nikki and her sister.
Emily grimaces in the foreground, with extreme distaste. Emily’s becoming more likeable each day.
The Murrays, minus Adele, who hasn’t been seen for nowt for ages, present Dire with her birthday cake, vowing that the cake has more lights on it than Blackpool. (And where is Brigid, who’s always at a function like this?) Noticing that Ant’s not about, they call him. As he hears his name called, Ant, upstairs, frantically hides the smashed icons and statues).
The chug fest at NNT continues well into the night. Nisha and Sammy are well smashed and rowdy, while Katie has passed out in the foreground. Nisha and Katie lament the plight of pursuing married men (as you do) and decide that one can’t live with or without men. Noticing the state of Katie, they decide to put her to bed and then begin some SERIOUS drinking.
Nikki finishes the phone conversation with Lindsey, looking pleased as punch. Lindsey’s only too pleased, she informs Emily, smugly, that Nikki will be looking after Jimmy.
‘Lindsey’s over the moon because soom moog’s volunteered ter look after her al’fella,’ surmises Emily, correctly.
Lindsey’s even agreed to pay Nikki for her efforts, Nikki brags, seeking to make Emily look small.
‘Lindsey has a guilty conscience,’ assesses Emily, succinctly.
Nikki rounds on her younger sister, furiously, demanding to know why Emily always thought the worst of people.
‘Because that’s the way people are,’ says Emily, flatly.
The Murrays, minus Adele, who has better sense than to associate with this rogues’ gallery, sit around Dire’s birthday cake and encourage her to blow out the candles. Dire giggles and prepares to blow out the candles, as Marty jokes that Antony already has his wish fulfilled - for Imelda Clough to ‘do one’. The family snigger in the background, not noticing that Antony walks guiltily away from the scene.
Max is sincere about not leaving until he and Jacqui have sorted out the problem that’s worrying her about her pregnancy. Max finally guesses that her discomfiture has nothing to do with Max’s telling Rachel about the fact that Jacqui was expecting a baby. Max reminds Jacqui that the couple had decided always to be honest with one another, and Max had confided things to Jacqui that he woud never have dared tell anyone else.
Jacqui reluctantly admits that she feels that she might not be able to cope with this baby. In fact, she has enough on her plate without a baby to think about.
Max is relieved. Is that all? Why, Jacqui needn’t worry about that. She has the baby, she has some time off and then returns to work. As for childcare, well, they have Rachel or they could hire someone else full time ...
Max doesn’t understand, Jacqui interrupts. She doesn’t think that she wants a baby right now.
David Young wrote this. Good effort, but doesn’t hide the fact that it followed on two badly written episodes.
Summary © 2002 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2002