That’s an old song by Dave Edmunds. Crawling from the wreckage, into a brand new car, the words go. He also wrote and sang ‘The Creature from the Black Lagoon’ and assorted other ditties that could be aptly applied to Brookside. Well, Easter has arrived early elsewhere in the Brookside empire with the appearance of the truly mad conejo, mouthing fantasies - but hey, it’s Christmas, n’est-ce pas?
I do keep wondering when Brookside is going to do Christmas properly - i.e., on Christmas DAY, with a big bang (no, not another explosion), but I guess the producers are too shit-scared of looking like the amateurs the show has become beside the likes of Eastenders and Corrie. Too bad.
Cowards ...
It’s Christmas DAYYY!!!!! Well, actually, it was Christmas Eve when the show was aired, but as most of the cast and characters of Brookside don’t realise the significance of Christmas nor do they care to know (if they would even comprehend), it doesn’t make a blind bit of difference.
Hey, boys and girls, LET’S VISIT ALL THE HOUSEHOLDS ON BROOKSIDE AND SEE WHO GOT WHAT?
First, there’s Hotel Corkhill. Not a lot of happy bunnies here. Even though the Sage has just presented the Mekon with a Christmas present. Oooh! What could it be? It’s too small to be a bra. Perhaps it’s another implant, or some giant nipple-warmers?
Emily isn’t interested in the present. She’s too busy trying to look downcast and hoping the viewing public will sympathise with her plight and worry over the missing Tim. (Actually, those viewers left with any intelligence probably cheered the dunking of Tim in the Mersey and wished that his wife, attached to a 100cwt piece of concrete, had accompanied him).
Emily wails that she ‘joost can’t STAND the waiting’. She’s so desperate, she threatens for the umpteenth time to call the bizzies.
Jimmy tries to dissuade her.
Boot Tim’s been gone fer days, she wails.
So has Christy Murray, Jimmy points out. Now Murray’s small fry and it could just be a coincidence, but maybe they have to lie low a bit. Anyway, Tim would just love it if Emily called the bizzies.
Boot, Emily protests in her annoying voice and annoying accent, ‘e could be lyin’ dead in a ditch. (No such luck).
Well, if he were, Jimmy reasons, then the bizzies would have been around here by now.
Next ... I know ... LET’S VISIT SITCOM HOUSE!!!!! That’s always good for a laugh.
Marty, Dire and Plank Murray stand over Adele and the Antichrist, who sit on the floor, watching a television that somehow the skint Murrays have managed to acquire. Dire’s hard face softens as she looks at Antony, the only one of her stepchildren whom she’s managed to brainwash into believing her own virulent brand of extremist Catholicism.
Look at him, she coos to Marty, he looks as though he hasn’t got a care in the world.
Ant is stuffing his greedy, little, hypocritical and bigoted gob with sweets. Dire warns him not to eat too much, or it will spoil his dinner.
‘What?’ Remarks Adele, crossly, ‘Chicken?’
Dire’s face hardens and she turns to Marty. That’s all his worthless brother’s fault, she whinges, as Marty admits that Christy has let him down. The Murrays had been promised one prize turkey by Christy - that’s turkey, as in Christmas dinner, as they have to deal with Christy the rest of the year. Of course, there is no Christy, and - consequently - no turkey; hence, having to make do with two chickens.
Marty reckons that Christy could still turn up with the turkey in tow, but Dire whinges that it would be too late to cook the bird for dinner; besides, the chickens were nearly done. Plank starts to whinge about having to eat chicken for his Christmas dinner, but Ant, the pious, little prick, sanctimoniously announces that he thinks chicken’s nice.
Dire has her own opinion about Christy’s whereabouts. He’s probably waking up just now, with the hang-over from hell, right beside some nameless bird he copped off with the previous night - probably their turkey!
Poor, little, orange-faced Emily, about whom we don’t give a toss (unless you’re one of the lads whose taste is in his mouth, along with a lot of other nasty things), sits on her bed, worrying incessantly about Tim. Jimmy enters to have a chat with her. She’s still banging on about calling the bizzies, but Jimmy is trying his best to dissuade her from that course of action.
Even if she did call the bizzies, Jimmy explains, they would do nothing, just paper over the cracks, treat it like a domestic.
Why? Emily wants to know.
Because, says Jimmy, it’s Christmas, the silly season. People walk. Emily has to keep her spirits up and just wait. Tim will come back when he’s done what has to be done. She would soon see.
He then launches into a tale about the time he was gone from Jackie for about nine days when he was involved with shipping stolen cars out on the ferry at Wallasey. Jackie went positively demented with worry about where he was. Then things got hot. Jimmy ended up miles away from his original location and he and his mates had to split up and lie low for awhile. But he finally made it home. And Jackie had to learn to keep her head up and deal with the situation.
Now the best thing Em could do in this situation is to open her pressie, and he hands her the small package.
Dire is in the sitcom kitchen supervising the cooking of the two chickens, while Marty stands behind her, holding the Christmas present she got him. It’s a match ticket for New Year’s Day for the game between Liverpool and Bolton. Marty gazes at it thoughtfully, reminding Dire that the match is for New Year’s Day.
Yes, nods Dire, she knows.
Marty expounds. It’s been one year since Dire had her miscarriage. Perhaps he shouldn’t go out of respect. (Jesus H Christ, talk about drawing something out!)
Dire turns around. That’s a lovely thought on Marty’s part, but the best thing he can do for her is to go to the match. Those tickets were like gold dust. (I’ll say. In fact, I’d like to know how she came by such a gem). Go to the match, then the two of them could curl up on the sitcom couch in the evening and listen to the kids argue.
Max and Jacqui stand outside Chateau Farnham, watching Harry and Emma play on their tricycles.Max is examining the house, closely. He broaches a subject with Jacqui. All this talk about building an extension onto the house, why not just buy a bigger house? He suggests. After all, they’d be bogged down for months with all the dust and rubble from the extension.
Jacqui won’t hear of it. She and the kids belong here, she says. Look at Number 8, after all. The extension that Ron added had transformed the place, and they certainly had the room. Besides, the family would be close by. Jacqui wants to stay put.
At that moment, one of the kids falls over on the trike and Max goes running to aid the child.
At the bungalow, Jessie is phaffing about the kitchen with the Christmas meal, whilst Ray, Jerome (who doesn’t seem to have bothered visiting or even mentioning Vonnie, his mother, this Christmas), and Nikki are clowning around, each wearing a set of vampire buck teeth. Their antics are annoying Jessie.
Jerome teases Ray about having his own personal stalker, mentioning the woman, Helen, at the bingo club. This Helen wanted all the low-down on Ray, Jerome says. Nikki reckons the woman’s after Ray’s windfall.
Jessie’s mind is on other things, however. She wonders aloud if she should push the card she has for Brigid through the Murray letterbox. Then she thinks better of it, and snaps at the other three to take those silly teeth out.
Jimmy, meanwhile, is outlining his plans for Christmas Day to Emily. He plans on going to The Swan for a drink. It’s been years since he’s been there on Christmas Day. Now that he had no Jackie to whom to answer, he could go where he liked, when he liked. He’d go to The Swan and maybe order a lemmo, or maybe a pint of lager. He’d even put Queen on the jukebox. Hey, Emily’s free to come along if she wants, he adds.
Emily’s looking more and more like ET in drag, especially with her furrowed brow. No, ta, she replies. She’s due over at her Nan’s for tea later.
What’s the story she has lined up to explain Tim’s absence? Jimmy asks. Jessie will be sure to want to know.
Emily’s lie involves Tim having to go home to his mum’s as Carmel’s been laid low with flu, she explains.
Jimmy muses aloud suddenly that he hates Queen.
The Farnham kids are playing inside with their toys, whilst Max and Jacqui prepare the meal. It looks as though either Mike and Rachel the Dim, AKA Mr and Mrs Whinge, have reconsidered their desire not to darken the Farnham doorstep this Christmas - either that or they were too skint to buy a turkey - because they are now coming to share Christmas lunch.
Jacqui is organising the table, whilst Max is supervising the cooking. Max remarks to Jacqui that Mike is bringing the high chair for Beth.
That’s another reason for staying, Jacqui points out. She wants the kids to be close to their cousins, Beth and Josh. Besides, she wants them to have Liverpudlian accents and not grow up with a snooty attitude like their Auntie Lisa.
Max teases Jacqui, calling her a snob, and then expresses the hope that the Boxing Day visit planned to Lisa’s is as short as possible. He’s not sure about this extension of the olive branch et al.
Back at Sitcom House, Brigid has arrived with her gifts. Adele opens hers and finds it’s a bottle of contact lens solution. Plank makes a wooden joke about it being a bottle of solution for the solution to all Adele’s problems. Brigid then hands her the second part of the present. It’s three months’ vouchers for contact lens. She explains to Adele that she couldn’t afford to pay for the whole whack. Adele would have to arrange the appointment for the eye exam, but the first three months’ contacts were courtesy of Brigid.
Adele is grateful, but suddenly Marty and Dire refuse the offer. The vouchers can go right back, Marty announces.
But why? Brigid wants to know.
Because they couldn’t afford this, says Dire, cruelly.
Why not? Demands Adele, and Plank joins in.
Well, points out Dire smugly, who’s going to pay for the contacts after the three month vouchers run out? (In other words, if I can’t have my baby, you can’t have contact lens).
Adele promises to pay for the lens with the money she earns at the garage.
At that moment the doorbell rings. Everyone assumes it’s Christy come at last, but Marty opens the door and a tear-streaked Leanne enters. As everyone stares at her, she wishes them a sobbing ‘Merry Chrimbo.’
Jimmy’s having a conversation on the phone, to Lindsey and Kylie. There’s a problem, however. Lindsey and Kylie don’t have time to speak to him. Jimmy rings off despondently and turns the radio on, hearing Christmas carols. He then sits down on the sofa and puts a set of reindeer antlers on his head.
This is not poignant. It’s not even funny.
As Leanne stands fretfully facing the Murrays, Dire asks if Christy were too afraid to show his face without the turkey he’d promised.
But that’s just the point, Leanne begins to explain. She hasn’t heard from Christy in days. She’s tried phoning his mobile, leaving messages on his voice mail, nothing. No reply. She can’t fathom what’s happened. The didn’t know if he’d dumped her, did they?
Marty confirms that they’ve heard nothing.
She didn’t know what to do about today. She’s just spent all night rolling around sleepless in that big bed. Oh, Lance had suggested coming with him to their mother’s to spend the day. Lance was all sweetness and light now, wanting to bury the hatchet. As for her mum, how could she spend the day with her mum, after some of the things her mum had said in the past, Leanne rants.
Forgive and forget, Lance had said, she continues. But she prefers to live by ‘Remember and fester’.
Brigid remarks,piously, that she doesn’t subscribe to that way of thinking at all.
Plank asks if Brigid wants to apply that concept to the current bingo feud that’s raging at the moment.
Brigid primly comments that that’s a different situation entirely.
Anyway, Leanne continues, blowing her nose, Lance has betrayed her and Christy’s dumped her. She had no place else to go. But ... Er, she reckons the invite extended to her by the Murrays only included her as Christy’s girlfriend?
Dire and Marty exchange wary looks, before remembering that it’s Christmas. Dire tells Adele to lay another place at the table for Leanne.
The Farnhams and the Dixons are enjoying their Christmas lunch. Mike has just returned, the day before, from a visit to Ron in prison. Ron’s doing fine, he says. He’s even lost a bit of weight.
Jacqui asks about the low-life who had nicked Ron’s phone card. Mike tells her that that bloke was released a few days ago - just in time for Christmas.
That’s just great, remarks Jacqui, bitterly. Someone like that’s released in time for Christmas and Ron has to spend time inside.
Max soothes her by saying Ron would be home in time for Easter.
The two families are seated around the Farnham table, all wearing paper cracker hats, when Mike asks Jacqui what was the one thing that would make her happiest this Christmas. Jacqui replies that she would like to see Ron sitting with the family at the table, stuffing himself on turkey and dressing to the extent that he would cry off having to do the washing up and would subsequently fall asleep in his chair.
Well, Mike asks again, what’s the second best thing that would make Jacqui happy this Chrimbo.
Jacqui thinks a moment and decides that she misses hearing Ron’s annual Christmas speech he delivers at the table each Christmas.
Mike deftly produces a folded piece of paper from his pocket.
‘He hasn’t?’ Queries Jacqui, rightly ascertaining that Ron has written a speech in prison.
Mike confirms that he has done just that. Ron told him it was something that he’d just thrown together, but Mike has read it and says that Ron’s obviously spent a lot of time, putting it together.
He begins to read Ron’s speech in absentia: Ron begins by saying that in a place like prison, one gets a lot of time to think about one’s family. Ron thinks about his family all the time and counts his blessings for every one of them. He’s also thinking a lot about Clint and his family, specifically how he robbed them all of a future, especially Clint, by taking his life.
He continues saying that he’s looking forward to seeing all his grandchildren soon, and he wants to be a better granddad to Harry, Emma and Beth. He plans on doing loads of things with them, such as reading them stories and taking them to the swings. And he plans on being a better granddad to Josh too, if he ever returns to Liverpool. He wants everyone to remember that Christmas Day is also Josh’s birthday as well. And wherever Bev has taken Josh, Ron knows that he’s getting lots of cuddles.
That’s the worst thing about prison, Ron says. There’s no one to give you any cuddles. (Well, I reckon there are, if you’re that way inclined, Ron). And Ron wants plenty of tender, loving care when he returns, a new, touchy-feely Ron Dixon.
Finally, he ends by asking that everyone present around the Christmas table, on Ron’s behalf, raise a glass of Maxie’s fine wine in a toast to all the Dixons, Farnhams and Jordaches - living and dead.
The speech leaves everyone in a pensive mood.
The Murrays, too, are seated around the sitcom table, but Leanne appears to be dominating the proceedings, having clearly drunk too much. She babbles on, almost incoherently, about having spent the better part of the past few days endlessly trying to contact Christy on his mobile.
Mobile phones, exclaims Brigid. They are the curse of the world. Why, even on that fateful night of the bingo win, that Tim got a call on his that disturbed everyone. And up he got and off he went.
Dire admits that they are a bother. It seems that for the past few days Emily was never off hers at work - constantly ringing and texting Tim.
Leanne perks up through her drunken haze. Emily’s texting Tim? Where’s Tim?
Oh, he’s been gone for days, says Dire, nonchalantly. Supposedly, he’s at his mum’s.
Well, that explains everything, announces Leanne, suddenly cheering herself up. Tim’s gone for days and so has Christy. He hasn’t dumped her, after all. They’re just off on some job - out of their depth or something - but at least he hasn’t dumped her.
Plank gives her a suspicious look.
Emily has arrived at the bungalow for her lunch. Someone’s given Ray a smoke alarm for Christmas and as everyone sits down to eat, it goes off. He gets up from the table to adjust it, as Emily fiddles with her mobile phone for the umpteenth time. Jessie is irritated by this and snaps at her to turn the thing off. Also, Jess informs the girls that Margi rang earlier - that was big of her; what ever happened to coming home for Christmas? - and she would be ringing later to speak to them all.
Nikki makes a comment about telling Margi about attending a student protest against tuition fees.
Jessie asks Emily how Tim’s mum is faring, and Emily lies uneasily, saying that Carmel is still abed, and that Tim is needed to look after Mel. (This is absurd, as a lie. Tim is 20 years old, which would also make Danny Simpson - who briefly had a crush on Mel - and Leo Johnson also twenty now. As I recall, Mel was at Brookie Comp when Danny and Leo were being bullied by Tim. Mel would be around Emily’s age -either 17 or 18 now. I suppose Brookside could bring her back as a character if they could find another 18 year-old scally wannabe actress with 40DD boobs).
Ray asks casually if Jimmy got off to Newcastle to see Lindsey, when Emily reveals that Jimmy didn’t actually go. Jackie got her oar in first and decided to spend Christmas with Lindsey.
So where is Jimmy now? Asks Jessie.
Gone to The Swan, replies Emily, unconcerned.
Jessie is aghast. ‘You never thought to invite him over!’ She exclaims in horror to Emily.
Nikki is also appalled. ‘You just left him on his own?’ She questions in disbelief.’Can you try to be a bit more selfish?’
Mike and Jacqui are tackling the washing up at Chateau Farnham. Jacqui has something to tell Mike, actually to give him. But before she does so, she extracts a promise from him not to ‘go off on one’. After all, it’s Christmas. She hands him a building society passbook. It’s actually for Beth, she explains. Opening the book, Mike sees that Jacqui and Max have invested £1000 in an account in Beth’s name.
Mike, at first, demurs, saying that this is far too much; but Jacqui insists. She wants to do something for her niece.
But what can Mike do in return? He asks.
Jacqui suggests a cuddle, like Ron would have wanted.
Nikki has made a beeline for Hotel Corkhill, finding Jimmy on his own with Mr Stripes. She remarks that she thought that Jim had gone to The Swan. He had, Jimmy admitted, but it’s not called The Swan anymore. It’s under new management, and it has a whole new clientele. He didn’t know anyone there. So he decided to come home.
Nikki susses that he’s missing William. Jimmy shrugs. He’s missing the ‘missing’, he admits.That’s just the problem. He doesn’t feel anything, due to his medication.For example, he’s a popman, accustomed to cleaning and clearing a bar. That pub where he had just been was an absolute tip. In fact, it was disgusting. Yet he felt nothing. So he came home and decided to phone Lindsey to wish her a Merry Christmas, but she and Jackie had decided to take the kids out for a swank meal (figured Lindsey wouldn’t want to cook). He should have been upset, but her felt nothing. His emotions were just skimming the surface.
Nikki reckons that this is a method of self-preservation.
Or medication, deems Jimmy.
Nikki feels helpless. She wants to help, but can’t. Jimmy tells her
that he needs to feel pain in order to know that he’s
. He’s
seated at the Corkhill table, attempting to eat a ready-made meal. Look at him,
he begs Nkki, impassionately. His family’s disintegrating around him, and
all he’s concerned about is the amount of chili powder in his meal-for-one.
He’s lost his family, but he’s also lost his sense of loss.
Over at NNT, Nisha, Katie, Sammy and Louise are celebrating Christmas. They’ve been opening packages, and Sammy is opening a present to her from Nisha. When she opens the gift, she finds that it’s a rubber sheet. Louise is puzzled by the present. Only babies have rubber sheets, she remarks.
Sammy is offended, and she hastily puts the package away. Is this Nisha’s idea of a joke? She demands. She had one drink, one drink.
As Katie ushers Louise out of earshot, Nisha is non-plussed. She wants Sammy to know that she’s prepared for any evenutality, knowing Sammy of old. Surely, Sammy could be excused one drink, Sammy argues.She’s had a lot on her mind - with those silly buggers banging on about school feels and being worried about her sister.
But not too worried to spring a honey trap for Max and break up Jacqui Dixon’s marriage, quips Nisha. And what about Richard? She asks. Sammy hasn’t mentioned her husband more that once since she arrived. And how long exactly was she planning on staying?
Leanne is finally taking her leave of the Murrays, who have assembled en masse outside Sitcom House to give her a noisy and rollicking send-off. As she’s leaving, however, she spots Nikki crossing the Close from Hotel Corkhill en route to the bungalow.
‘Oy, Nikki Shadwick! Oy, you!’ She shouts, abrasively, wobbling towards Nikki, as the Murrays shout catcalls after her and laugh.
Nikki stops and faces Leanne down. Leanne could speak to her that way in the bar, Nikki tells her, but she’s reminding Leannne that that doesn’t entitle her to speak that way to her in public. She didn’t work for Leanne all the time.
Leanne demands to know where that no-mark brother-in-law of Nikki’s has been keeping himself. Because Leanne reckons that wherever Christy is, Tim can be found also. That the pair of them have got hooked up in some dodgy job and found themselves out of their depth.
Jimmy intervenes and advises Leanne to go home and sling some coffee down her neck, but Leanne won’t be deterred. She reckons her fella’s the organ grinder, see, and Tim’s the monkey. But whatever has happened, she knows for sure now that Christy hasn’t dumped her.
Nikki suddenly susses what Tim’s been up to all along.
Katie brieflhy tells Nisha and Sammy that she’s off to the cemetary to pay a visit to the sainted Clint. Left alone together, Nisha apologises to Sammy about the rubber sheet. It was meant to be a joke.
It was an expensive joke, remarks Sammy.
Nisha again broaches the subject of Sammy’s husband with Sammy. Something isn’t right. Louise shows up all on her own the other evening, with a tale of her school fees not having been paid.
Sammy laughs grimly. That’s Richard’s little joke, she says. His way of using Louise to get back at Sammy. So it’s 10-0 to Richard.
But, Nisha protests, surely he can’t do that. After all, he’s been Louise’s dad for five years. He must really hate Sammy.
Sammy admits that the couple have been going through a rocky patch. And then she begins her classic sob story. Living with Richard was like living with Jekyll and Hyde. She could tell by his tone of voice that all respect he had for her had gone. But that was the story of Sammy’s life - she was just lousy at picking men. (Or maybe Richard’s realised that Sammy was only after him for his money).
Emily has retreated to one of the bedrooms in the bungalow and is burrowing her head in a pillow. When Nikki enters the room, she tells Nikki that she was trying to get some kip, because her head is banging.
Nikki tells Emily that she knows about Tim and what he’s been up to. And she knows why Emily’s worried. She tells her that she’s seen Leanne, who’s just as worried as well. Leanne reckons Tim is with Christy, wherever Christy is.It’s some dodgy job, isn’t it?
Emily admits as much, saying that she had to lie about Tim’s whereabouts today. He did the job to get some much-needed extra money. Besides, everyone in her family had a massive downer on Tim. She continues, telling Nikki that Tim got the call to go on the job at the bingo.
Nikki tells Emily that Leanne hadn’t seen Christy for days Has Emily had any phone calls from Tim?
‘Nuttin,’ replies Emily, sadly, although most of the intelligent viewers watching the programme feel no sympathy whatsoever for her. Sometimes Emily thinks she’s going mad; she keeps hearing phones ringing; but they aren’t her phones or Tim’s. She asks Nikki if Leanne thinks Christy and Tim are dead.
Nikki shakes her head. Leanne just thinks the two of them got into something out of their depth. But one thing for certain, Nikki says, there’s no way Tim wouldn’t have phoned Emily if he could. Tim worships Emily, Nikki assures her sister. He would have done anything he could to have contacted Emily.
Emily asks her sister if she thinks Tim is dead.
Nikki admits that she doesn’t know, but she isn’t hopeful either.
Emily admits that she thinks Tim is dead. The only way he’d put her through something like this is if he were dead. And she turns a sad, orange, rubber face to the camera.
Most Brookside viewers laugh. The rest just wank.
By the way, does anyone know what saint’s day is celebrated the day AFTER Christmas?
Answers on a postcard.
Summary © 2001 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2001