SLIPSHOD PRACTICES
A double bill of Brookside, eh? At least tonight TPTB were honest and told us that there were two episodes tacked onto one another, with separate opening sequences et al, instead of insulting our intelligence (well, some of the viewers’ intelligence) by calling it a Brookside ‘special’. What they did previously was slipshod, and even more shoddy practices came out in the plot tonight - hey, wasn’t this Paul Marquess’s last effort as producer? So that explains the gratuitous male body in baggy briefs. As I said, slipshod.
Another morning breaks like wind at Sitcom House, but it isn’t Marty’s flatulence we smell emanating from the kitchen, although he may well suffer from that malaise after partaking of Dire’s nutritious, high-cholesterol, full English brekkie, completely swimming in good old Scouse grease. Her face is as hard as the eggs she’s fried - nice to know some things never change.
Marty tentatively enters the sitcom kitchen. As if seeking reinforcements, he timidly asks Dire where the rest of the family are. She informs him, in short shrift, that Adele is having toast in her room, Plank hasn’t surfaced yet, and the Antichrist was still in the bathroom. Marty stands uncomfortably in the middle of the room. For want of anything better to say, he asks his wife politely if she has a busy day ahead. As if! (And that’s not a character from Eastenders).
Dire snaps at Marty to cut the small talk and coming to the point, she simply says that she can’t bring herself to come around to his opinion regarding - yes, wait for it ... IVF!!! All he’s asking her to do, Marty replies, in a pleading voice, is to simply think again about what she planned on doing. If he could think of any way for her to continue with IVF, he could, but he’s afraid to suggest anything because whatever he suggests will be the wrong solution.
Anyway, Dire remarks coldly, it’s her problem now, not Marty’s.
The Antichrist appears at the kitchen door, booted and suited for school; but once he gauges the atmosphere in the kitchen, he asks if he can eat his cornflakes in the living room. Dire orders him to sit at the table, but Ant maintains he can handle his breakfast better on the sofa and leaves to go to the lounge.
As the boy goes into the next room, Marty muses on the changes that have come down around the family, when they can no longer bear to have a meal at the same table with each other.
Outside, a taxi pulls onto the Close, and the Farnham family alight - tanned, relaxed and fresh from a honeymoon/holiday in Barbados. Dismayed by the typically grim, overcast Liverpudlian autumn, Jacqui rhetorically asks where the sun is, and Max answers by asking where the sea is. (Not far, Maxim, not far). The kids bound ahead to the house, as Max scoops his new wife up in his arms to carry her across the threshold. Jacqui is amazed that the Farnham house will now be her home, and as he carries her into the house, Max jokes that she’s no longer Miss Clampett, but Lady Farnham now.
In fact, he continues, he sincerely hopes Ron gives her as much royal hell as he gave Max, now that she’s a Farnham.
Back at the sitcom table, Marty is still trying to reason with his recalcitrant wife. He’s tried helping her, he explains. Yes, replies the stone-faced bitch sitting opposite him, and now she doesn’t need his help. She’ll manage her treatment on her own.
It isn’t as if he hasn’t supported her in the past, Marty argues. For God’s sake, look what he’s given up.
Again, Dire reiterates that this is her decision and she’ll tackle it on her own. Besides, Marty has HIS children to care for. Exasperated at that last remark, Marty cracks and shouts that he can’t pull money out of thin air.
Meanwhile, the post has arrived at Hotel Corkhill, as Lindsey retrieves it and examines it. Passing through the foyer, Jimmy reckons that it’s junk mail, but Lindsey informs him that he has a letter from his solicitor.
As he takes the letter from Lindsey, Jimmy wonders aloud what his soon-to-be-ex-wife is up to now. He opens the letter, as the camera zooms quickly in on his visibly shocked face.
Lindsey, being one step behing the manic Jimmy in thought processes, makes a remark about the solicitor’s letter being a civil way of communicating on some minor legal point. Civil! Shouts Jimmy. Nothing civil about this! The bitch only wants to sell the roof over his head! And all this talk about wanting to stay at Val’s for some breathing space!
Lindsey grabs the letter from her increasingly agitated father’s grip and reads the contents calmly. It’s nothing, she says at length. It’s just giving Jimmy valid warning that at some point Jackie does intend to sell the house. It’s only legal talk, and Jimmy shouldn’t be worried.
But Jimmy is more than worried - he’s angered to the boiling point. Humph! He supposes Jackie won’t be happy until she sees him and Wills cooped up in a bus shelter someplace. (Get real, Jim. Jackie has custody of William). And this venture will effect Lindsey and Kylie to, he wants Lindsey to know.
Lindsey continues to try to calm him down. They can deal with the situation, she assures him. Just read the letter properly and later, Lindsey would draft a reply for him.
The decree absolute is bound to be processed without delay, reckons Jimmy, frantically. It’s time he fired that computer up and stopped Jackie right away. He dashes to the miracle computer that doesn’t need booting up and switches it on - hey presto! No waiting. Lindsey urges him not to do anything stupid.
No chance of that, shouts Jim over his shoulder, and taking the solicitor’s letter, he rips it in half, muttering: ‘THAT’S junk mail!’
Jax’n Max, meanwhile, are settling down to a new life together at Chateau Farnham. The kids have dashed off into another room, as Jacqui remarks to Max that, for all the new toys they’d bought the children, they seemed to prefer their old ones best. Max is happy at that - at least playing with their toys will keep the kids awake and they’ll sleep tonight, thus adjusting from jet lag. She sits down beside Max on the sofa, looking around the room uneasily.
Max susses that she’s not comfortable. Jacqui just explains that she’s antsy, that’s all. She’s got so much to sort out - the club, the house, organising the van to bring the rest of her belongings from the flat - oh, and then there was her Dad’s situation.
Max laughs indulgently at her ambitions. Not all in one day, he says.
The doobell rings, and Max jokes that Jacqui should answer it, as this is her home now. She finds Mike and Rachel, sans Beth, of course, on the doorstep. They’ve come to pay the newlyweds a visit before the couple have even unpacked, as you do in nosey families.
The couple enter, as silly Rachel demands a hug from Max as he’s family now. The four settle down as Mike and Rachel ask if the Farnhams had a good time and some small talk ensues before Jacqui asks after Ron.
Max explains that Jacqui’s been ever so worried during the honeymoon about Ron’s predicament. Mike explains evasively that Ron’s not coping all that well, especially with the trial coming up. Jacqui hastily decides that she has to go see him, right away, but Mike and Rachel protest. Anthea’s all over the place at the moment, they say, which only makes Jacqui even more determined to see the older couple.
Then Mike tells her that Anthea and Ron have been sniping at each other for weeks now. The atmosphere in the house was unbearable. To tell the truth, they’d come over to the Farnhams to escape it, themselves. (Oh, and left Beth to endure it! VERY thoughtful).
Next door at the Shadwick Hilton’s, the Brookside writers have suddenly remembered that Nikki Shadwick is a student, and she sits busily at the dining room table, smothered in books. Do-A-Little, in a gratuitous parting shot from Paul Marquess in an effort to offer sexual temptation to scores of twelve year-olds, approaches Nikki stealthily from behind, wearing only a baggy pair of briefs. He looks oddly like Radio Five’s Nicky Campbell would look, debagged.
Looking over her shoulder, he makes an unfunny remark about life as a student. Nikki replies that she works hard. Raymundo enters the house, virtually running into the near-naked doctor as he comes into the room.
Caught unawares, Do-A-Little announces that perhaps it’s time to have a shower and get dressed. (Is this doctor for real? He hardly ever seems to do regular hours at the surgery). Ray gives him a withering look of disapproval and agrees that perhaps it is time he got dressed before turning his attention to the kitchen counter.
There, on the counter, lies two coconut cakes, lovingly made by Jessie. Ray sets up a moan. Jess KNOWS he can’t eat coconut. It gets caught between his dentures. Nikki, replies over her shoulder, that Ray is to leave the cakes alone. Jess had made them for Do-A-Little. Of course, remarks Ray, sarcastically. He should have known. And of course the Doctor has perfect teeth.
Another doorbell sounds, and Ray opens to door to Jimmy. Jim wants to know if Ray has any spare paint. Oh, yes, answers Raymundo. Loads. Any particular colour?
Jimmy’s up for some home improvement, and he’ll take any and all colours Ray has on offer.
Jax’n Max are regaling the young Dixons with tales of their romantic honeymoon, not noticing that Rachel and Mike are looking increasingly jealous at the other couple’s good fortune. Jacqui tells about trips to nightclubs and playing with the kids. Mike interjects to ask if they visited a particular dolphin park.
Max is momentarily astonished. He had no idea that Rachel and Mike had visited Barbados. Oh, yes, says the mentally challenged Rachel. On THEIR honeymoon. Jacqui hastily explains that the younger Dixons used the honeymoon originally planned for her and Nathan.
Anyway, Jacqui continues, she and Max really felt like a proper family now. Whilst she realises the circumstances surrounding Harry’s conception were unusual, having a child with someone really made a difference. She had had no idea what it would be like, but she sincerely loves both the kids. Max agrees. Harry was coming to accept Jacqui more and more, and Emma followed her around like a little shadow. (Come off it! Those kids don’t remember Susannah at all. Cut the shit!)
In fact, Jacqui pipes up. The Farnhams have made some decisions about their own jobs. She has decided to become a full-time mum, and Max is going to try to do something about not working nights in order that they might have evenings together. (Just like Max and Patricia, eh?)
Rachel and Mike look at each other. Did they hear Jacqui correctly? Give up her job. ‘Boot,’ asks braindead Rachel, ‘what about the cloob?’
Simple, says Jacqui. Hire a manager.
The Dixons look at each other, barely able to contain their jealousy. Well, they huff, it’s nice to have that choice. Jacqui admits that the prospect of motherhood is daunting. In fact, she reckons she’ll be around to Rachel at 9:30 daily for advice.
All right for some, remarks Mike, scathingly. Meanwhile, he had to get some kip. He still has to work nights, you know, and as for Rachel, well, Rachel HAS to work. And the envious pair of whingeing spongers depart.
Over at Hotel Corkhill, Ray and Jimmy prepare to paint the Corkhill shutters. Ray, flattered to be asked to help out, asks if Jimmy were inspired by Ray’s efforts at Casa Hilton. Jimmy doesn’t know what he’s on about, and Ray points out the improvements he’s made to the bungalow.
Mind you, poor Ray remarks, ruefully, it still doesn’t feel like his home, even though he’s done all the work on it.
Jimmy advises Ray that women like to feel as though they rule the roost. Just be careful that she doesn’t turn around and sell the house over your head without telling you. Ray suddenly unwraps a treat and offers Jimmy a coconut cake. Disregarding his own dentures, Ray takes a bite. He continues his moan. Lately, he says, he can’t seem to do anything right for Jessie.
Jimmy understands. He finishes for Ray: She just rolls her eyes in boredom, but when someone new comes along, she hangs on every word. Ray says everyone says that the couple should keep talking, but he finds that Jessie is bored by his every syllable. Never mind. Anyway, back to DIY. Jimmy’s got to sand these shutters down before applying any paint.
Jimmy is mixing a tin of purple paint. Sand them down? Of course not. Let’s start to paint. He’s not worried about doing the job properly, he just wants to get them painted. Any colour. All colours.
Ray reminds Jimmy that these shutters will need preparation. Jimmy replies that a solicitor’s letter is all the preparation he needs.
It’s near lunch hour at Brookie Comp, and Marty Murray struggles down the stairs, carrying two stacked chairs when Antichrist Ant approaches him. Marty is concerned and asks Ant if he’s seen anything of the two ‘little so-and-so’s’. Ant avoids answering the question, and instead, suggests that he help Marty with the chairs and then they could have lunch together. Marty replies that he’s skipping lunch, and Ant affirms that he’s not hungry either.
Marty tells Ant to go find Adele and to go home to dinner with her. Will Marty be late to dinner, asks Ant. Marty disparagingly tells Ant to tell Dire not to expect him.
Rachel returns home to the House of Horrors from her morning cleaning job at Great Grannies. As she creeps heavily by a recumbant Mike on the couch, she knocks over an empty mug (no, not Plank Murray). The sound of the mug crashing onto the deep-piled carpet manages to awaken Mike.
Rachel apologises for waking him, but then she notices another deadly weapon present in the Dixon household. It’s a laundry basked piled high with washed clothing. She immediately starts to whine in her increasingly annoying voice. That washing had been sat there since yesterday. She knows Anthea is under stress at the moment, but Rachel’s out cleaning all morning, and then she has to come home and tidy up here.
Mike sits upright on the couch. He’s got no sleep at all, he says. Ever since Rachel had gone, Ron and Anthea had been goading each other. It got so bad, Mike had to take Beth into the back garden for a break. He’d only just put her down to sleep. It’s no use, he admits. He simply can’t sleep in the daytime. (Ever try going upstairs to the bedroom and drawing the curtains? Works wonders.)
And what about Jacqui and Max, eh? He continues, launching into a jealous tirade about the couple being able to pick and choose when and where they would work. It certainly was easy for some. (Yes, Mike, it is - especially when you work for it).
Do-A-Little emerges fully dressed from his ablutions and seeks the promised coconut cakes. They are nowhere to be found. Nikki, still at her books, tells him that she thinks Ray may have appropriated them.
Do-A-Little is surprisingly understanding, hoping sincerely that Jess doesn’t suss that Ray’s the culprit. He mentions that he does wish Jessie wouldn’t fuss over him so much. Not only did he reckon that Ray was uncomfortable with her behaviour, he, himself, found it downright embarrassing. As if to change the subject, he asks Nikki about her work.
She’s doing a project on mental health care within the NHS, she explains. It’s for her psych course. In fact, she was thinking about interviewing Jimmy Corkhill for the project. Jimmy was someone who had ‘lost it’ and had treatment on the NHS. In fact, she says, has Do-A-Little seen what Jimmy’s doing across the way with his house? He seems to be on his latest rant. Perhaps the Doc would sound Jimmy out on participating in her project?
Do-A-Little assumes a professional mien. He won’t say whether he will or not. He warns Nikki that if she does this interview, she has to handle it properly. Jimmy might find it helpful to talk about his experiences with her, but he might find it invasive. The important thing for her to do was to listen to him.
As he turns away, after finishing his mini-lecture, Nikki admits that she thought she was losing her mind once.
Lindsey Corkhill returns from her shift at the garage and catches sight of Jimmy’s latest home improvement project. He has painted all the shutters a myriad of psychedelic colours.
She rushes into the house to find Ray taking a breather at the Corkhill kitchen table. She abruptly asks where Jimmy can be found.
Ray tells her that Jim’s out back, rinsing the paint brushes. What on earth did Ray let Jimmy do what he did to the shutters? She demands. Ray admits sheepishly that it seems that Jimmy’s not coping at all well with the impending divorce.
Lindsey wearily agrees, remarking that his painting of the house made it appear that he was back on drugs. Jimmy pops in to ask Lindsey how she likes the bit of a facelift he’d given the house.
Do-A-Little is stopped in his tracks by Nikki’s admission. He’s now endeavouring to talk to her about it. He admits that Jessie had told him a few things about Nikki’s circumstances - particularly the deaths of her father and brother.
Nikki haltingly tells him that those deaths only compounded her current problems at that time. There were big problems before that. Without going as far as mentioning the rape, she says somthing happened to her that affected her badly. She went off her head and turned to drink. She couldn’t let go of the situation until she had ferretted out the truth.
The Doc asks if she had counselling, and Nikki replies that she did (all of two sessions, as we recall). That helped, but the people around her also helped her immensely. And having an understanding partner made all the difference as well. Nikki admits that Jerome put up with so much during her difficult period, but he’d blown all that goodness now.
Rachel is preparing to leave for her bar shift, as she and Mike discuss the Farnhams, after mentioning Jimmy’s decorating efforts across the Close. Mike laughs about the look on Lord Farnham’s face when he realised that Mike and Rachel had beaten them to Barbados. He makes a reference to Jacqui as Max’s trophy wife, and Rachel has a bitchy moan about Jacqui wanting to be a full-time mum. ‘What doos she think I’ve been all this time?’ Moans Rachel. (Rachel, you have NOT been a full-time mum - not when there’s someone around on free babysitting duty!).
As Rachel gabs witlessly, Mike spies the baby’s bank book lying nearby and opens it, to see the NIL balance listed.
Max and Jacqui are enjoying some quiet, having just done the kids’ lunch. Max expresses a desire to renew acquaintances with some of his old Round Table friends, in order to show Jacqui off. He particularly wants to see George and Julia, who were famous for their safari suppers. Max explains the concept of safari suppers to Jacqui - people would gather at one house for one course of a meal, then traipse onto another house for the second course and so one.
He was anxious for Jacqui to meet George and Julia. Jacqui isn’t so sure. What if she hates them. Well, says Max, indulgently, if she hates them, she hates them. And if they hate her, why, Max will just spit in their faces.
Whilst Rachel still witters, Mike approaches her to show her the empty bank book. Why have Beth’s savings been wiped out? What’s going on? Rachel suddenly remembers that she has to dash to the bar and promises Mike that she’ll talk to him about the situation when she returns.
Paige and Imelda stand by a wall outside the school ground. Beside them, there appears to be a ‘Guy’ for the up-coming Fireworks Night. They are innocently asking passers-by for the ubiquitous ‘penny for the Guy’. It’s only then that we notice that the ‘Guy’ appears to move slightly, and we realise that a real person is acting the part. Marty approaches from one direction, and Imelda cheekily asks for a penny for the Guy.
Something in her demeanor arouses Marty’s suspicion, and he lifts the mask from the ‘Guy’s’ face, whlist Imelda tries to stop him, only to find a very embarrassed Ant. Ant tries to run away and Marty urges him to stand up to the girls. Imelda shouts that Ant volunteered to do this and tries to pull Marty away from Ant.
Marty continues to urge the boy to stand up to the bullies, but when Imelda calls Ant a ‘meff’, Marty pushes her roughly back and she stumbles against the school wall, cutting her face. Paige immediately panics, shouting that Marty’s really hurt Imelda.
Marty, realising what he’s done, is instantly sorry, but Imelda viciously tells him that he will be sorry and all.
Jacqui Dixon is walking across the Close, looking in wonder at Jimmy’s painting efforts, when she encounters Lindsey Corkhill. Lindsey assures Jacqui that she hopes the painting of the house is a temporary thing and asks about the honeymoon and about how Harry’s coping. Jacqui assures her that the honeymoon was great. Lindsey wonders if Harry remembers the kidnapping. Jacqui says that sometimes he mentions it, but then he suddenly begins to play.
Lindsey reckons Jacqui will be glad to get back to work, and Jacqui tells her that she’s giving up work to be a full-time mum. Lindsey, naturally, asks about the Health Club, and Jacqui says that she’ll be advertising for a manager to run the place.
Lindsey’s face lights up instantly. Has Jacqui got anyone in mind for the job?
Jacqui tells her that she thought she might spend the afternoon ringing around, when Lindsey suggests that Jacqui might give her the job. She was familiar with the territory and she promises Jacqui that she won’t let her down this time.
Jacqui is reluctant to agree, and Lindsey hastens to add that she doesn’t want to put Jacqui on the spot or anything. She just wants Jacqui to think about it. Jacqui promises that she will and that the pair of them will talk about this properly later.
Lindsey then happens upon Jimmy, who informs her that he’s just finished working on the outside of the house. As he surveys his handiwork, he challenges an unseen Jackie: ‘Just try to sell THAT!’
Marty and Ant have just arrived home. Ant is worried and asks his dad what will happen as a result of Marty striking Imelda. Dire bounces down the stairs and is immediately caught up in the morbid atmosphere. She wants to know what’s happened.
Ant immediately assumes blame for the occurrence, saying it was all his
fault. Marty interrupts to explain that he had happened upon Paige and Imelda
humiliating Ant. The long and short of it was that Marty lost his rag and lashed
out, ending up pushing Imelda roughly against a wall and cutting her face. It’s
very possible, he says, that he could lose his job.
GOING DOWN
The Bruce Springsteen song, remember? Often sung by opposing football supporters when visiting Selhurst Park to watch Crystal Palace. Sums it up for Brookside at the moment.
Quite honestly and simply, the whole kit and kaboodle of Brookside bods from Phil Redmond right on down to the messengers at Mersey Television should be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. Brookside is absolute shite at the moment - and more noticeably so, when the viewing public have to turn from the likes of Eastenders (which is basically a rehash of Brookside ca. 1993 at the moment) and then watch Brookside. It’s like going from a matinee performance by the RSC at the Barbican to watch your youngest’s primary school revue in the evening, only the primary school performers are probably better.
In case you lot of Scousers didn’t know it, Brookside is televised NATIONALLY, which means it has to appeal to all parts of the U K and then some. But it doesn’t. It’s just a little slice of amateur drama that’s forever Liverpool in stereotype. Maybe Mersey TV should consider pulling it from Channel 4’s national schedule and broadcast it locally on a cable channel.
THEN you could truly say ... ‘This is a LOCAL show for LOCAL people’.
Another wind-breaking morning at Sitcom House. This is getting to be a bad habit, paying a call to the Murrays of a morning. Everyone’s scurrying to get ready for school or work, Marty included, who’s probably genuinely suffering from flatulence due to the events that had happened the previous day. Nerves can do that to you, you know. He’s about to leave for school with the kids, when Dire stops him in his tracks.
She wants another one of her ‘quick words’ with him. Marty tells her that he planned on walking Ant to school, but Dire insists that Adele can do that chore. Adele is reluctant to do that. It’s bad for what street cred she has managed to attain, and besides, she’s walking in with Michelle.
Marty asks Adele to do this task as a special favour until the furore with Ant has died down; but now Ant refuses to comply. In fact, he doesn’t want to go to school at all. Marty assures him that the situation with Paige and Imelda will all be sorted out by today. He’s been summoned to see the head, of course, but he’s going to make sure that she knows exactly what Paige and Imelda have been up to with Antony.
Again, Antony begs him not to tell the head that he’s been being bullied by girls, but Marty argues that Ant needs help getting this matter sorted out. The boy reiterates his embarrassment and stomps off before Adele can leave. She looks at this as the excuse she needs for not walking him to school, but Marty orders her to catch up with him, and she leaves in a huff.
After both kids are gone, he turns helplessly to Dire and remarks upon how he seems to upset everyone lately.
Day has begun at Chateau Farnham, as well, as the fragrant Maxim prepares to leave for a day’s work. Of course he’d much rather stay behind with his delicious young wife, especially since he hasn’t duly recovered from jet lag and could do with catching up on some sleep - or any excuse to crawl in the hay with Jacqui.
Jacqui tells him that Harry and Emma are still in bed, commenting on how they seem to be functioning still on Barbados time. Max warns her to wake them up sooner, rather than later, because they would have difficulty getting to sleep tonight. It’s going to be hard for Jacqui to catch up on sleep as well, she remarks, especially as she’s getting her stuff delivered from the flat later today and will be having a sort-out.
As she says this last thing, she happens upon a single trainer belonging to Harry. It was the shoe he was wearing the day Gobby kidnapped him. She tells Max that it looks as though the shoe’s partner was lost in the ordeal, and Max tells her to bin the trainer and get the child a new pair.
Next-door, Mike Dixon has just returned from his regular night shift. Still in uniform, he makes his usual daily remark about being knackered, but he forestalls going to bed just yet, because there is a matter which he needs to discuss with his mentally-challenged wife. Rachel awaits him, with her usual worried look, puckering her brow. Mike simply wants to know why Rachel ‘borrowed’ £300.00 from their daughter’s savings account. Not that he’s unduly bothered, because he admits that he was thinking about doing the same, himself. (This couple never cease to enrage me! HOW did they get in such debt? They have a car loan, yes - but they pay nominal rent, no board, have little or no transportation or child care costs, two incomes, until recently they’ve had disability benefit and they MUST have family credit. They are a great advertisement for the underclass of Britain, ready and willing to live off hand-outs and family charity).
Yes, Mike was thinking about raiding young Beth’s savings, himself, but Rachel beat him to it. Suddenly, as per usual in situations like these, Rachel begins to cry. It’s all getting on top of her, she sobs. Living in the house when Ron and Anthea are getting at each other all the time, knowing how much Mike hates his job (or any job for that matter). She simply can’t cope on her own anymore. Now there were all these money problems with which to contend. As a preface to telling Mike about the loan, she articulately announces: ‘Me’n you better talk.’
The beginning of the day at Hotel Corkhill. R’Emily is having a moan. Nothing’s changed there. She’s moaning about the state of the house - or rather, Jimmy’s latest project. How on earth could ANYONE expect to have a decent party in this tip? Why, the outside, with its rainbow shutters, was a joke and the inside - well, the inside has become a house of horrors. As the camera pans the walls, we see that they are decorated with all manner of newspaper articles concerning the murder of Trevor Jordache and the subsequent discovery of his body under the patio.
Tim and Lindsey listen to her ranting, before she announces that she must leave. She simply couldn’t afford to be late again, or Dire would only minge. She leaves Tim with explicit instructions to PLAN HER PARTY and dashes out.
Jimmy enters the room and Lindsey tackles him about the new decor inside the house. What on earth was Jimmy trying to do with all this junk about Trevor Jordache around? Where did he get it?
Jimmy blithely replies that he downloaded most of it off the internet, but some neighbours had helped out as well. He begins to read from a printed-off internet site about the 1993 brutal murder of Trevor Jordache by his wife Mandy and his daughter Beth.
Lindsey stops him in mid-flow. He can’t do this. She tells him, abruptly. Jimmy protests that only a few people will know about the plan. Anyway, anything to save the roof over his head.
Lindsey insists that it’s not right. Jimmy argues that is isn’t right either that he should be forced to live on the street, and it isn’t right that a father is left with no rights at all in the case of divorce and custody.
Lindsey leaves Hotel Corkhill in a frustrated state, only to encounter Nikki Shadwick on the Close holding a printed brochure about the events that occurred in Hotel Corkhill ca 1993. It’s clearly a brochure printed on Jimmy’s magic computer - which must have one helluva desktop publishing programme. As Nikki peruses the brochure, Lindsey asks sarcastically if Jimmy’s now got Nikki doing his dirty work for him. Lindsey warns her that it wouldn’t bode too well if Rachel should catch sight of these brochures.
As she departs, Jerome ambles onto the Close from wherever it is he’s living these days. Jerome has a new haircut for Hallowe’en. It looks as though someone has turned a bowl of turds upside down on his head. Is this Paul Marquess’s idea of a joke? It looks suspiciously like a pickanninnie’s haircut, ca 1850 in the South. Maybe he’s inherited Mick’s old title of Step’n Fetchit.
As Jerome arrives, Tim steps out of Hotel Corkhill. Simultaneously, Nikki and Tim ask the reason for Jerome’s appearance. Well, Jerome explains, he’s heard Christy talking about what Jimmy’s done to the outside of his house and Jerome thought he’d come take a butchers as well.
Tim checks with Nikki about coming over later to help with plans for Emily’s 18th party, as Jerome stands by blatantly ogling Nikki. However, his ears prick up (amongst other things) when he hears mention of the word ‘party’.
That’s right, explains Tim. They’re having Emily’s 18th party on Friday - that is, if they can think of a good enough reason to get Jimmy out of the house. On the spur of the moment, Tim invites Jerome, who looks tentatively at Nikki. Nikki says it’s O K with her if Jerome shows, as she departs.
After she’s gone, Jerome questions if his appearance is going to cause bother, but Tim assures him that it won’t.. Jerome is his friend and his guest.
Marty is about to have the quick word with Dire. He begins the conversation by admitting that he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him these days. He can’t seem to talk to the kids without overreacting. Dire can’t understand why Marty’s so worried about seeing the head, who ISN’T dippy Karen Dalton, but someone named Mrs Plummer. All he has to do is tell her the circumstances behind his reaction. As a matter of fact, she was of a good mind to call the woman, herself.
Anyway, Dire continues, Marty only pushed the girl. But, Marty reminds her, he wouldn’t stand for anyone doing that to his kids. In Dire’s opinion, a little more of that wouldn’t hurt the few kids who were hard nuts like Imelda. What did Marty think would happen?
Marty shrugs his shoulders. At best, he’d probably be suspended, but really, he’d be lucky to keep his job if the girl complained, which she surely would do. Anyway, why should that bother Dire? She was leaving him, remember?
Jimmy’s on Raymundo’s doorstep again. This time he’s begging for masking tape. Ray asks if Jimmy’s planning to burn off all that psychedelic paintwork on the windows outside. Ah, but that’s Jimmy’s tacit ‘no entry’ sign for potential buyers. It’s also his two-fingered salute to British justice.
Ray is perplexed by Jimmy’s blatherings. If Jim were so disturbed about the state of things, why didn’t he just write to his MP?
Jimmy ignores that suggestion. As a matter of fact, he has only one more small task to ask of Ray. He’d ask Lindsey, but - well - it’s outside on the patio, and he needs his helper to be lying down.
Maxim returns home unexpectedly in the middle of the day, to find his house double=stacked with items from Jacqui’s flat. Jacqui is surprised to see him, and Max, amid the mayhem of delivery items, explains that the relief manager had arrived early; and Max had taken advantage of this to pop home to catch up on some sleep.
He looks in wonder at the kitchen utensils etc that Jacqui has placed all around. In the middle of the room, there is a dis-assembled bed. Jacqui tells Max that now he’s home, he could help her take the bed upstairs apart and replace it with this one. Max objects that nothing’s wrong with his old bed.
It’s SUSANNAH’S bed, Jacqui reminds him. In fact, most of the stuff in the house was SUSANNAH’S stuff, which Jacqui would be replacing with some of her own. Max agrees that it’s only natural that Jacqui would try to put her stamp on the house that was now her home.
Suddenly he looks around and asks her where the children can be found. Jcqui hesitates and then explains that with all the deliveries coming and going this morning, she found it easier just to let the children sleep. Max moans and tells her that the two won’t be able to settle properly tonight. They would be up all night and Max and Jacqui would be up with them.
Over at Hotel Corkhill, Jimmy thanks Ray profusely for his help. Now he wants to introduce Ray to his newest creation - TREVOR. There on the patio, where Ray had lain, is the outline of a man’s body in masking tape - exactly over the spot where Trevor Jordache’s body was buried.
Marty returns to school after lunch with Ant. Ant is worried about the repercussions for Marty, after causing an injury to Imelda. He is also apprehensive about running into either of the two girls. Marty tells Ant that at the first hint of an encounter, Ant should let the teachers know immediately. Let the head sort it out. It’s what she’s paid to do.
Ant wants to know what will happen to Marty if Imelda tells the police. Marty admonishes his son not to worry and reminds Ant that he has double science now and that Marty would meet him at 3:30 on the dot. As the boy trots off, a worried look crosses Marty’s face.
Ray returns home, picking off bits of masking tape from his body, along with dirt from the ground and paint, only to be roundly castigated by Jessie on the doorstep. Ray tries explaining to his wife that Jimmy made him lie on the ground, using his body as a model for some sort of template. Jessie moans that Ray comes home reeking of terps and smelling of paint. She could understand Jimmy Corkhill doing something a bit loony, but Ray had a lot to answer for his behaviour.
The doorbell rings at Hotel Corkhill and Jimmy answers the door to find Jackie standing before him, gazing around at the outside of the house. Jackie, in a brilliantly dead-panned understatement, remarks that someone’s been busy. Jim opens the door to usher her inside, replying that she ‘ain’t seen nothing yet’.
Marty walks Ant home from school. As they leave the grounds, they pass Imelda standing alone. As they pass her, she sweetly greets, first Antony, then Marty.
Inside Hotel Corkhill, Jackie stares in a mixture of revulsion and wonder at Jimmy’s decorations. She picks up the printed brochure, entitled The Remains of Trevor Jordache. Jimmy smugly tells her that the missive contains all the gruesome details concerning Trevor’s death and the discovery of his body. If she’d care to read further, it also told of all the missed opportunities and miseries of every couple who had ever lived in this house. All the trauma, all the excitement. All the births, rows, deaths, drugs, guns ... No stone left unturned.
Jackie raises her eyebrows in a subtly mocking gesture of being impressed. Oh, and did Jimmy include any of Lindsey’s exploits too, she asks. After all, Rlindz had had her moments as well.
All the blood and guts, surmises Jimmy.
Well, observes Jackie, maybe Rachel would like a guided tour of the house. You know, here’s the room where Trevor Jordache assaulted his youngest daughter. By the way, she asks as she slams the brocher into Jimmy’s smug chest, did Jimmy remember to tell everyone in the brochure that Little Jimmy met his end inside this house too?
Jimmy is stunned at that rebuke, lost for words.
‘No, of course yer didn’t, jibes Jackie, ‘because yer not that cheap.’
Jimmy looks about the moral size of a peanut when she leaves.
Marty arrives home to Dire’s instantaneous quizzing about the outcome of his meeting with the head. Mart appears resigned to his fate - he says that the head told him succinctly that he should be able to control one unruly child, considering the fact that he had three kids of his own.
‘Of course,’ muses Marty, ‘I couldn’t tell her that I’d just clouted one of me own, could I?’
There wouldn’t be anything done for the moment, he says. The head wants to see first what the reaction of Imelda and her family would be to the situation. He also says he’d consulted his union, who told him pretty much the same thing. If it’s left to the school, he could lose his job. If, however, Imelda’s family took the case to civil course, that’s a different kettle of fish altogether.
Dire remarks bitterly that Imelda’s just the type to do that sort of thing. Honestly, why did they expect Marty to control someone like her when the teachers, themselves,
Marty surmises that the girl and her parents are probably around at Manor Park Police Station this very instant, but Dire advises that Marty will just have to wait and see.
Marty gives her a searching look. Just whose side is she on?
Dire assumes a humble mien and apologises to Marty. She didn’t mean anything she said about leaving him. She wanted him to know that she would stand by him in this and would be there for him, whatever the outcome. (Yeah, yeah ... We’ve heard all this from Anthea. I give you a couple of weeks at the most, before you’re on his case about what he did).
Lindsey has returned home to Hotel Corkhill, only to be barraged by Jimmy regarding Jackie’s latest visit. Jimmy, for some reason, has surmised that Jackie thinks his actions in all this are funny. Lindsey argues that perhaps Jackie thinks he’s having another breakdown. Besides, it wasn’t funny, continues Lindsey. These sort of things about the house would terrify Kylie.
Jimmy asserts that at least he’s having the presence of mind to defend his position. Lindsey gives him a downright sceptical look. He’s paranoid, she announces. No one is attacking him.
Oh yeah? Replies Jimmy. Well, it’s no coincidence that it’s Hallowe’en, and we all know who the REAL witch of the piece is.
Lindsey raises her eyes to the heavens in exasperation. Jimmy and Jackie have been going at it hammer and tongs now for THIRTY YEARS!!!! (Get that? Not twenty-seven, but THIRTY! The Inconsistency Police are on patrol).
Jimmy exclaims that Jackie’s trying to do him of his own son.
Lindsey’s had enough of her father. ‘Your son! Your house! Your divorce!’ She shouts.
Jimmy retorts by accusing Jackie of being her mother’s true daughter, and Lindsey throws up her hands in resignation. There’s absolutely no point in talking to Jimmy, especially when he’s on one of his missions. Jimmy needs to get himself sorted. Lindsey, she says, has her own life to sort.
Rachel returns, looking more knackered than usual, from her bar shift. She announces her fatigue, saying that Christy, that prime judge of character, reckons her stint at Great Grannies is wearing her out. She looks too tired to cope by the time she starts her shift at the bar. In short, she was good for nothing.
But anyway, she reveals, they had a good day at the bar. There was an office party, resulting in Rachel receiving £10 in tips.
All this time, Mike has been seated at the table, furiously working with a pencil, a pad of paper and a calculator. He reckons that he gets paid the next day, then she has her wages etc ... With a few cutbacks, they should be able to resume loan payments shortly. Rachel is sceptical. They’ve already cut back so much that she couldn’t afford a new lippy - sorry, lip=peh.
Dire and Marty are having yet another heart-to-heart, as a result of Dire’s latest declaration of love. She admits that it’s she who’s put him under so much pressure. The result was that Marty had a go and hit a child. That wasn’t like the man she knew. She admits that she’s eaten up with the desire to have a baby, but not so much when she sees how much it’s hurting everyone.
From this time forward, Dire intends to put her family first. She has two sons and a daughter already. They need her. It’s time she called it a day on the IVF.
Over at Chateau Farnham, the newlyweds are enjoying a quiet moment. Jacqui tells Max about Lindsey finding out about the manager’s job at the Health Centre being up for grabs. She supposes that she’ll have to talk to her about it.; but it doesn’t mean she’ll give Lindsey the job.
Max thinks perhaps Jacqui owes it to Lindsey. She may not have the experience, but she did save Harry. This is true, says Jacqui. And she’ll always be grateful to Lindsey for that. But the fact remains that Lindsey ripped her off to the tune of £11,000 and she didn’t feel she could trust her after that.
Anyway, Max says they could talk about that later. He had the relief manager on duty tonight, specifically so he could catch up on some sleep. Jacqui, meantime, could man the night shift with Harry and Emma.
Eveningtime at Hotel Corkhill sees Nikki and Timily assembled, sorting out the invitations for Emily’s party on Friday. Nikki asks Jimmy’s whereabouts, and Tim replies that he’s outside with a scrubbing brush trying to scrub ‘Trevor’ off the patio. Emily replies, trying to sulk prettily and only managing to look like a sullen, common slut, that Jimmy would do well to rid the walls of all this morbid stuff he’d stuck up here and there.
Jimmy enters the kitchen on the tail-end of that remark to reply that Emily’s orders would be obeyed. He, himself, was under orders from Lindsey to rid the house of all references to the Jordache murder. Therewith, he hands Tim the scrubbing brush and asks that he go outside and have a go at getting rid of ‘Trevor’.
Before he leaves the room, Tim instructs Emily to include an invitation for Jerome, but Emily refuses, saying that Jerome is a waste of space. Nikki stops any intended argument by saying that it’s O K with her if Jerome comes to the party. After all, it’s a free country, and he’s Tim’s guest.
Marty and Dire are still assessing their heart-to-heart. Is this the end of the endless IVF saga? Not half, I hope. Dire is crying - surprise, surprise. The family had sacrificed enough for her, she announces nobly. It’s time for the IVF to stop.
Marty tells her that he wishes he had an endless cache of money from which he could pay and pay for treatment until she achieved success, but he’s sorry. He can’t. Dire tells him that he stood by her when most men would have run for the hills (most would have left the damned country). She loves him for that.
Now Marty feels guilty. He thinks he’s pressured her into giving up her dream of having a child. (Stick with it, Marty. That’s what she wants you to feel. She’ll be using this as a lever in a month’s time). He wonders what not having a child will do to her. All he wants is to see her smile again, and he wouldn’t be able to see that, if she left him, would he?
Dire finally admits that she wants her family back.
Rachel the Dim stands, phone in hand, talking to the loan company. She’s begging them to wait a day or two. Then after a moment’s silence, she asks about the possibility of paying by instalments. In fact, they could make the first instalment tomorrow, she adds hopefully. There’s another silence, a long one, before she puts down the receiver in defeat.
Mike, standing behind her, asks her what she was told. Rachel turns to face him, telling him that the company say they’ve now defaulted on their loan, and the company wants the return of the full £5000 without delay.
Mike is so astonished, he sits heavily on the sofa. That’s it. He reckons. They’ve had it. They’re done for.
Summary © 2001 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2001