Friday, 26th October 2001

THE HOUSEWIVES’ CHOICE

Doodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-DOOO-DOOO-Doodle-loodle-loodle-loodle-DOOO-DOOO-Doodle-loodle-loodle-DOOO!

Yes, folks, it’s another episode of Housewives’ Choice, but not the musical version. Channel 4 has commissioned Mersey TV to create a programme wherein a noted Sage acts as a mentor and agony uncle to the frustrated housewives of Liverpool. James Corkhill, a former scally, petty thief, drug addict and pusher and fraudster, who was recently sectioned after threatening to throw himself from the roof of Brookside Comprehensive, has been employed to act as the chief advisor to the lovelorn, neglected and misunderstood women of Brookside Close.

If the series takes off, it is expected that James will broaden his career by taking over from Jenni Murray on Women’s Hour on BBC Radio 4 before taking over from Esther Rantzen in hosting his own chat show also on the BBC.

Two of the women who have benefitted from his counsel, Mrs Anthea Dixon and Mrs Diane Murray, both resident on the Close, have testified to the brilliance of Mr Corkhill’s expertise in guiding them through their problems.

Mrs Dixon says: ‘I know he was responsible for the death of me’oosband’s yoongest soon, boot rreally, ‘e’s sooch a nice bloke.’

And Mrs Murray commented: ‘He listened to all me problems, oonlike me’oosband who joost lashes out and lands one willy-nilly. Jimmy’s one o’ them clear-thinkin’ sorts.’

With the sky the limit for Jimmy, it’s good to know that the problems of the women of the world are in good hands.

We are only left to wonder what lies next on Jimmy’s horizon?

Another morning has broken in Sitcom House. An extremely tired-looking Marty Murray stands on the landing, knocking repeatedly on the door of the loo, calling out his wife’s name. (Question: The Murrays have an en suite facility, to which they repeatedly refer. Is it only for decorative purposes, as it never appears to be used?)

He continues knocking until the door is opened and Adele appears. Suddenly, Antichrist Ant, dressed and ready for school pops up on the stairs, asking the whereabouts of Dire. Marty is perplexed. Isn’t she downstairs? No, replies Ant, but not to worry. He can get his own breakfast. But does his dad have any idea where his ‘moom’ is?

Noticing the concerned look on Adele’s face, Marty thinks fast on his feet. Oh, yes, he remembers. She’s had to go into work early today.

Next door at Hotel Corkhill, Lindsey and Tim are lavishing attention on the increasingly rubbery Emily. It’s her 18th birthday and there are numerous references to ‘the birthday girl’. Lindsey has prepared breakfast for Tim to serve to his wife, and Jimmy enters with a stack of post, consisting of birthday cards all addressed to ‘Emily O’Leary’.

There’s a veritable slew of them, and I reckon I’m right in my opinion that Emily sent them all to herself, as she appears to have no real friends, like most of the other young people on the show.

Emily opens the first one, which happens to be from the permanently absent Margi, complete with smarmingly insincere message, which is read over Emily’s shoulder by Jimmy. The message also contains the information that Margi and Jessie have clubbed together to get Emily a ‘surprise’ for her birthday.

Jimmy asks Lindsey where their card for Emily is, but Lindsey deflects the question by advising Jimmy to let Emily open the rest of her cards before opening the one from the Corkhills’. (In other words, Lindsey couldn’t be arsed to get a card for someone she openly hates ... May all my enemies go to hell, Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel ... And all that).

Jimmy asks the loving couple what plans they have for celebrating Emily’s birthday. Ashamed to admit that they are skint, Emily and Tim awkwardly concoct some half-baked story about they HAD thought about going out for a meal, but had elected to spend a quiet evening at home in front of the telly - correction, the Corkhill telly, as the O’Leary’s don’t have one).

Jimmy generously suggests that they have a birthday tea right there at Hotel Corkhill, and Tim volunteers to prepare it for Emily, as his treat.

The Murray kids are preparing to go to school. With Dire unexplicably absent, no school lunches have been prepared; and Marty admonishes Ant to come home for his dinner. Ant demands that Marty give him and Adele the necessary funds in order that they might buy their school dinner, but Marty replies that he doesn’t want Ant carrying money at the moment.

Plank is plonked on the sitcom sofa and volunteers to walk Ant to school, in case the bullies put in an appearance, but Marty downplays this request. That won’t be necessary, he explains, as he has plans to see the head about the situation today. Anyway, it wouldn’t do for Plank to go accompanying Antony in hopes of scaring off the bullies.

The mentally-challenged Plank demands to know why, and Antony explains that Plank could do nothing really, because Ant is being bullied by girls. Antony admits his low self-esteem in the situation by describing himself as ‘pathetic’.

Interlude: Dire’s whereabouts is revealed, as we see her seated on one of the benches on the verge in front of The Parade. She watches enviously as a young mother appears on the pavement, wheeling an infant in a pram.

Momentarily shocked by the revelation of the bullies’ identities, Plank does his best to reassure Ant by telling him that sometimes girl bullies were scarier than the male variety. (This is true). At least with boys, Plank says, you can justifiably fight back. Ant describes being beaten up by the girls, but he doubts that he would be any better with boys. He simply hates violence, he says priggishly. He’d rather use the powers of verbal persuasion. (Another snippet here of Mr Redmond’s liberal tendency - the power of discussion, which doesn’t ALWAYS work).

Ah, says Plank, but sometimes, one has to use force for self-protection, and Ant reveals to his older brother that yesterday, Marty had ‘landed him one’ for not standing up to the bullies. Adele pops her head around the door, asking if Ant’s OK, and the two depart for school, with Antony confessing that he wished he could be more like Plank, as a parting shot. (Well, if he were more like Plank, when the girls hit or kicked him, they’d be hurt, as they’d be hitting wood).

When Plank heard Antony’s confession about Marty, a dark scowl crosses his visage, and remains there when his father enters the room. Plank glares at him accusingly. Just where exactly IS Dire? He demands.

Marty admits that he truly doesn’t know and admits further that the previous evening, the couple had had words, again over the IVF situation. Plank then asks a blindingly stupid question. Did Marty hit her too? Is that why she’s not here?

Marty looks wearily at his oldest and least intelligent child. Of course he didn’t, he replies, and as far as Ant was concerned, that was an act Marty would have to live with for the rest of his life. He was heartily sorry.

And so he should be, remarks the sulkily stupid Plank.

Back at Hotel Corkhill, Jimmy frantically asks Lindsey if she’s bought a card or a present for Emily’s eighteenth. Lindsey hisses back that she had no idea that today was the girl’s birthday. Jimmy admits that he’s often confused by dates and relies on Lindsey to help him remember. He tells her to scoot out on the sly and buy a card and some chocolates for her.

Dire returns home to Sitcom House, to find that her thoughtful family have left the half-eaten remains of their breakfast littered across the sitcom table. Disregarding any sort of hygiene - what’s a few germs amongst family?- Dire picks up a gnawed piece of toast and takes a hearty bite. Then she lifts a half-full tumbler of orange juice and takes a swig.

Having arrived at school, Marty walks along the corridor with Ant in the direction of Karen Dalton’s office. Ant is begging his father not to tell the head about what has been happening with him. Marty maintains that he has promised Dire to see Miss Dalton about the bullying, now that the identities of the culprits are known. In fact, Ant was welcome to come into the office with him. After all, this is happening on school property; it’s up to the school to deal with it.

Ant affirms that he will be all right today. Paige and Imelda are off on a school trip. He promises to try to stand up for himself more, but he doesn’t want Marty making a fuss with the head about what happened.

Marty, trying to be helpful, reminds Ant sometimes being tough is not about using one’s fists. Fighting should be the last resort - a coward’s approach. Real men find other ways to resolve things. Ant maintains that going to the head with this problem won’t help things. (This is a great endorsement for the real world, Phil, but then, you always were a bit woolly-headed).

Back at Sitcom House, Dire is disturbed by a knock on the door. She opens it to find the Sage of Brookside Close on her doorstep. Jimmy apologises for bothering her, but it’s young Emily’s 18th today, and her Tim was keen to bake a cake for the occasion. Only, you know, there were essentials needed for a cake, like milk, flour, sugar and the like, and Hotel Corkhill didn’t have any of these items. However, he was sure the Murray household would - having three kids and all. (This is RICH! Hasn’t this man ever heard of a wonderful new invention called a ‘store’? I suppose they needed an excuse to get Jimmy over there). Dire suddenly begins to cry.

Of course, Jimmy is alarmed by her reaction, and the pair adjourn to the sitcom kitchen. Dire confirms that she’s decided not to go into work today and has left instructions with Emily to ring round and cancel all her appointments (shouldn’t take long). Jimmy remarks that Emily won’t mind doing that, seeing as how she would technically be in charge of the salon for the day (I still can’t fathom how an apprentice merits that much responsibility).

Anyway, Jimmy apologises for barging in at what is obviously a bad time, and now that he sees Dire is in a better state, he takes his leave.

But just as he starts to depart, Dire starts her self-conscious wittering. Maybe she should just face facts and get over her situation, get on with life.

Not having the faintest clue what she’s going on about, Jimmy warns Dire not to be so hard on herself.

Dire continues. Maybe the rest of the family was right. All she ever did was go on and on about her problems. Jimmy solicitously asks if Dire feels the need to talk to someone.

Dire admits truthfully, that that’s all she does is talk. In fact, she doesn’t know how to change the subject (which is one of the reasons why Brookside is losing viewers - Dire is a bore). She admits to Jimmy that she fears she is going mad.

Jimmy remarks that he knows what that feels like. Dire confesses that she desperately wants a baby.

As Emily walks along the Parade, she is accosted by Jessie, who wishes her a Happy Birthday. Jessie informs Emily about her surprise from her nan and Margi, telling her to come around at 7:30 that evening to receive it.

Emily is excited and asks what it is, but Jessie won’t say, only to emphasise that in her opinion, a 21st birthday was of more significance than an 18th, but that was just the way the world was going. Anyway, her gift was something ‘practical’.

Emily informs her grandmother that Tim and Jimmy had already planned a birthday tea for her, and Margi had said in her card that she would be calling Emily tonight at the Corkhills. Jessie demurs, saying that she doesn’t want to interfere in Emily’s plans, but Emily then invites Jessie and Ray around to share the tea.

As they are talking, Brigid comes into view, wondering if Emily knows the whereabouts of Dire. She’s not in the salon and isn’t answering the phone at home. Emily knows nothing, except Dire had phoned in that morning to tell Emily to cancel all her appointments for the day,

Dire begins her self-absorbed confessional to the Sage. She knows that she should count her blessings - marrying Marty and being presented with a ready-made family and all. Jimmy interjects to say that it’s only right that a woman should want her own child. Why should Dire be any different?

At first, she says, it was great being an instant mum, but the kids she inherited, although they were very young at the time, had all had their personalities formed. She could look at them and immediately see Marty in all of them, but because she had missed their formative years, there were bits to their psyches that she didn’t understand. There were no lovely little stories about their developments either, unless she heard those stories second-hand. Dire had never experienced them, herself.

She continues, saying that she spends all her days talking to women, mostly to mothers. Why she knows practically everything about pregnancy, births, breast-feeding - but again, it’s all second-hand news.

She confides in Jimmy about her miscarriage last year. She admits that she went more than a bit over the top, in playing out the tragedy in front of the Murray children. A proper mum would have kept these events to herself. Such pressure she had put that family through in her quest to conceive. Did Jimmy know that only yesterday, Marty had snapped and walloped Ant because of the pressure under which she had put him? Mind you, she was no better, she muses. When Adele confided in Dire that the girl was pregnant, her first reaction was to slap the child across the face.

Jimmy interjects tentatively to reveal to Dire that he knows all about Adele and Leo Johnson, having heard the story from Mick.

Dire carries on. Anyway, there she was, trying desperately to get pregnant, and Adele falls up the duff first go and is determined to have an abortion. It was a nightmare. And it was handled badly and all wrong by Dire. She knew that now, in hindsight. Her treatment of the girl had been abysmal. Maybe if she had never been pregnant at all, maybe if she had never pursued her obsession so much, she might have supported Adele a lot better.

Jessie, still wandering aimlessly about The Parade (there are only so many shops one can visit) bumps into Tim. She advises him that neither she nor Ray are fussy about food, in his preparations for dinner tonight. Tim is confounded and Jessie reminds him that Emily has invited the older couple around for her birthday tea.

The Sage is expounding a bit now in his counselling session. It was wrong that the poor Murrays had to depend on private healt for their IVF treatment, when the NHS failed them. Dire agrees. She was too old for such treatment on the NHS (where else but Brookside could someone be 39 years old in January 2001 and about to turn 37 by April of that year?) They were £4000 in debt because of IVF, she confesses to Jimmy. She made poor Marty sell the family car and his Liverpool season ticket. Now she was so desperate to have a baby that she even wanted Marty to sell the house to fund the venture.

Funny that, remarks Jimmy. He remembers when Lindsey sold them the house, and how she had told the Corkhills that the family buying the house had been reckoning on moving up-market. Well, for what it’s worth (not much), Jimmy advises Dire that her best option would be to remain in the house and try to have another baby.

Dire tells Jimmy that she almost went to see her priest this morning about this dilemma. Brigid, her mum, had always been a good, practicing Catholic. She, by rights, should have had a passel of kids, but she only had Dire. (I should think Brigid thought Dire was one too many, after her antics). Being Catholic, after all, doesn’t come with any guarantee.

Jimmy waxes lyrical about shielding one’s children, and Dire continues with her own train of thought about continuing with the IVF. In a way, she feels as though she’s betraying the child that she lost. It’s not right to replace one child with another.

Jimmy mumbles an irrelevant truism about kids being lost for all sorts of reasons. (Actually, I was expecting some ubiquitously sad reference to the late and unlamented Little Jimmy, but none was forthcoming).

Plank Murray is leaving sitcom house, a Murray in a hurray. Tim dashes out of Hotel Corkhill, calling to him. He needs a favour, specifically, he needs Plank’s car, or rather, the use of it. Plank has no time. He’s due to finish a foreigner this afternoon and has to rush.

Tim explains rapidly that he needs to puck up the 6 cases of Christy’s ale he’s stashed for Emily’s tea tonight. Plank explains that his foreigner job is cash in hand that he needs. Tim tries to explain that tonight was Emily’s 18th birthday do, but Plank is unsympathetic. Why give up cash in hand for a few cans?

Tim continues, saying that there was no food in yet as well, and he had to do a grocery run. Jimmy was supposed to be sorting the cake, but he’d already been gone three hours.

Plank abruptly apologises, saying he can’t be of help, and scurries off in his banger.

Inside Sitcom House, Dire is still talking to Jimmy, which begs the observation that Plank must assuredly be dumber than the proverbial all shite no to have noticed his presence therein. Dire is bemoaning the fact that her inordinate desire to proceed indefinitely with IVF treatment has brought her to the brink of losing everything she has.

But, argues the erstwhile Sage, what would she accomplish for herself, by burying her desire?

But, Dire replies, Marty says no, that they can’t proceed. In all truth, she confesses, given the choice, he would probably have opted to stop the treatment months ago.

Well, scoffs Jimmy, that’s well and truly fixed for our Marty. (And Marty Murray, as a caring individual is summarily assigned to the Corkhill scrapheap, along with Ron Dixon, both of whom are singularly unworthy of their infinitely better wives). But it’s not Marty’s decision, is it?

In Jimmy’s warped mind, bureaucracy is the new religion in this country. It doesn’t matter to the bureaucrats if people’s lives are upset. No, in Jimmy’s mind, it’s neither right nor fair that Dire should be denied her opportunity to try to conceive a child of her own. Dire readily agrees with the sensible Sage.

Jimmy goes further by encouraging her to push for her right - but then abruptly apologise for perhaps saying too much.

No, objects Dire. She feels that she spends much too much of her time apologising to various people for wanting a baby, but not once today has she made such an apology. No one, until Jimmy, has really and truly understood her feelings of wanting to be pregnant, of wanting to experience morning sickness, swollen ankles, pressured bladders et al.

The Sage ends his consultation by suggesting that she have a chat with Marty and tell him how determined she was to pursue something that was inherently her right.

Tim has returned despondently to Hotel Corkhill to find Lindsey, who is curious to know Jimmy’s whereabouts. Tim tells her that he’s gone out, ostensibly to sort out Emily’s birthday cake.

Emily arrives, admitting that she’s bushed and goes to have a shower. Tim doesn’t try to hide his anxiety from Lindsey, saying that Jimmy’s been gone hours. This worries Lindsey, and she presses Tim to remember what time exactly Jimmy left.

There’s no cause for worry, because a key turns in the door and the Sage enters. He apologises for taking so long, but he had run into someone who ‘needed a chat’. That still doesn’t amend for the fact that there was no birthday cake and Emily was upstairs in the shower, expecting one when she came downstairs, wails Tim.

The doorbell rings and Jessie enters. She’s left Ray asleep, with the alarm set, she witters, carrying a circular item in her hands. She knows that the Corkhills and Tim had planned the birthday tea, but she’d taken the liberty of making the Mekon a birthday cake - sort of a tradition in their family.

‘Why fight tradition?’ Asks Tim, with a relieved smile.

As Dire sits smugly on the sitcom sofa, a key sounds in the Murray door and Marty enters with Brigid in tow. Brigid is blathering to Marty about Dire’s whereabouts, informing him that she wasn’t at the salon today either.

As they enter the room and spy her, Dire remarks sarccastically that Marty and Brigid seem to be inseparable now. Marty wants to know where the hell Dire has been all day. There was no need for her to go off like that in the early hours of the morning without telling anyone.

Dire rolls her eyes in boredom and informs him that she went for an early morning walk, that’s all. Well, counters Brigid, and where has she been the rest of the day, with everyone phoning and getting no reply?

Dire responds smugly that she didn’t choose to answer the phone calls because she had a friend over.

Brigid and Marty exchange curious glances. Friend?

Yes, announces Dire. Jimmy Corkhill came for a talk. It did her the world of good too. ‘He’s one of them clear-thinking types’, she says as she rises and leaves the room.

Marty is left speechless, but Brigid voices his thought, asking Marty if Jimmy didn’t try to throw himself off the school roof this time last year.

Next door, while Jessie is on the phone with Margi, Tim is moaning to Jimmy about the lack of organisation for Emily’s party. There would be no ale, simply because Tim had no means of transport to get the six cases. He had a full van load of the stuff, and couldn’t even manage to bring six cases home. Tim needed a set of wheels and fast.

As Emily and Jessie finish the phone call with Margi, Emily brightly asks Tim what she’s going to have for her first legal drink. Tim and Jimmy exchange uneasy looks, but Jessie announces that Nikki is bringing something over from the bar after her shift, so it’s best to wait until then. Jess then apologises about Emily’s gift . The gift was being sent and it appears to be late arriving.

Emily demands to know what it is, but Jess maintains an aura of mystery. Lindsey arrives and hands the Corkhills’ last-minute gift of a card and chocolates to Emily, and then Tim hands over his meagre present to his wife.

Emily opens the small package, finding a roll of film. Does that mean that Tim’s got her the camera she wanted? She asks greedily.

Tim is forced to admit that he couldn’t afford the camera as yet, but he promises her that he will, and the film is proof that he intends to honour his word. Emily is touched and gives Tim a hug, impressed about how he had slaved all day to do the best he could for her.

Dire re-enters the sitcom lounge to foray with Marty and Brigid some more. What did the head say about Ant’s bullying problem? She asks Marty abruptly.

Marty admits that he didn’t approach the head, as Ant talked him out of doing so. He didn’t want the head to know, Marty says, because the boy was too embarrassed.

‘Not half as much as his dad,’ sneers Dire.

Brigid immediately springs to Marty’s defence, but Dire sarcastically remarks about how strong the sudden common bond between her husband and her mother has become.

Jessie and Timily sit in the Corkhill lounge, with the young couple snogging and Tim promising Emily a massive party once he’s ‘sorted’. Behind them, in the Corkhill kitchen sit Jimmy and Lindsey, gobbing Emily’s chocolates. Jimmy asks Lindsey if she’s having a good time, and Lindsey gives him a strange look.

Not giving her a chance to answer, Jimmy confides in Lindsey that he feels really comfortable with Lindsey. Not only that, but it’s really fun having Timily around too. In fact, Jim was free to do what he wants when he wants now that Jackie wasn’t around. Lindsey remarks ruefully that she wasn’t exactly free to do the same.

Back at Sitcom House, Brigid is preparing to depart after a reasonably short visit. So, has Dire changed her mind about going ahead with the IVF? She enquires.

No, replies Dire, insolently, but that was what Marty and Brigid were expecting her to do, weren’t they?

Brigid advises her daughter that it’s high time she faced up to reality, but Dire won’t be deterred. She succinctly informs Marty that she feels well within her rights to have her desire to have a baby fulfilled, and that she intends to pursue that right with or without him.