SURPLUS TO REQUIREMENTS
Typical Brookside. A BRILLIANT episode on Tuesday and an hour-long episode on Wednesday that’s just short of mediocre. Lots of screaming and lots of Emily that wasn’t necessary. The scenes shot with her are becoming increasingly more and more boring, and her accent is becoming more and more unintelligible. She’s there only as an accessory to accommodate the gonad-challenged boo boys, and it’s about time she left.
But onto the story line.
The previous episode stopped bang in the middle of a Murray slag-fest, when Marty had just told Dire that under no circumstances was she to even think of having any more IVF treatment. There simply was no financial way. In fact, he had referred to it as an ‘IVF lark’.
Unfortunately, having been initially shocked at Marty the Martyr turning from worm to man, Dire suddenly rediscovers her voice. ‘IVF lark!’ She shrieks. ‘Is that what it is to you?’
Marty tries to defend his position, but doesn’t match her volume. Instead he answers her by softly and tiredly observing that the whole family had been through enough with this treatment.
Dire shows the lack of esteem she feels for Marty by pointedly ignoring everything he has previously said in the argument. She frantically begins to justify reasons she deems worthy enough to entail a house move. She grabs her handbag and scrabbles amongst its contents until she finds a property page from the local paper.
Think of it, Marty! She urges. If they got a smaller place, they’d have money to pay with, and money to play with as well. (Hang on, Dire -- aren’t you forgetting that the profit you’ll make on his house, will have to be used as a deposit on the next? No. Oh, well, who cares?)
Marty wearily looks at her, almost giving up the fight as lost, but he manages to sally forth. He grimly warns her that if she continues along the tracks she’s travelling, she might end up pregnant and a single mother to boot.
He decides to spell it out for her. She wasn’t listening to ANYTHING anyone says, he tells her, especially if it’s not something that she wants to hear. She’d be quite happy to pack them all cheek-by-jowl into a shoe box whilst she pursued her quest to conceive, courtesy of IVF. Didn’t she realise what the hell was going down around here? For Christ’s sake, he’d clouted Ant today. Clouted him out of sheer frustration at the way the boy was just NOT handling the bullying that was still going on.
Dire looks vaguely puzzled for a moment. Bullying? What bullying? That happened ages ago, at the old school.
It’s happening now, asserts Marty. And that’s not all. It’s girls who are doing it. Antony is being bullied by two girls.
For some reason, although it’s the end of the day and she’d already handed Dire’s keys back to her, Emily is back at the salon, gabbling on in unintelligible Scouse to a woman customer sitting before a mirror, who looks slightly like a dowdier version of Margi. The woman looks bored.
Suddenly Tim appears. He mentions something about doing a job to ensure he has enough dosh for Emily’s 18th birthday party at the end of the week. Emily, ever the professional, reminds Tim that she has a coos-tomer, so Tim gives her a quick kiss and tells her that he’s off with Plank to settle a score with Christy.
Outside on The Parade, Lance, who doesn’t have a Tintin cut anymore, but who still manages to dress like Tintin, stands and gazes sadly up at the pub sign advertising Bev’s Bar. It’s a big picture of a smiling Bev.
Back at Sitcom House, Dire is astounded to learn of Antony’s agony. Poor Antichrist! She actually admits that she was too wrapped up in her own problems to notice anything amiss. Well, she was going right to the Head of that school no later than tomorrow, she vows. She’ll make certain that Ant names names.
Marty has stood listening to her further furious rant, without saying a word. Finally, he speaks musingly, repeating that he had actually landed Ant one, and all because he wouldn’t stand up to those girls, preferring to suffer in silence.
Dire suddenly remembers to ask Marty when he found out that Ant was being bullied again. Marty replies that he found out the previous day.
This kicks Dire off again, big-time. Well, why the hell did he delay in telling her? She demands. No, don’t answer that. She knows. Marty wanted to wheel this announcement out in the middle of their barney, so she would be made to feel as though she were neglecting Ant’s plight in favour of IVF.
Marty wearily explains that this practice of not worrying Dire had all become a habit for everyone. It had actually got to the point where everyone in the household is constantly pussyfooting around Dire in a vain attempt not to provoke any of her querulous moods. But she must be forced to face the issue now. She hadn’t had any time for Ant’s problems before, because she had made IVF her first priority. Antony knew that and had decided to keep the bullying problems from her in order to alleviate her worry.
No wonder Ant was swinging the lead, muses Dire. And Marty drives the point home even moreso. Antony’s bullying problem, a reality, had taken second fiddle to Dire’s obsessive IVF quest for a baby, a fantasy.
Tim is taking his leave of Emily outside the salon. Emily is a bit nervous about Tim’s proposed revenge venture. Plank Murray is an unknown quantity, she reckons. Is Tim sure Plank’s up to scratch for this job? Tim reckons Plank’s all right. He has a bone to pick with Christy, himself, and besides, he’s desperate for cash. But Emily has to do Tim a favour to help him out.
Nikki works at the bar. Tim wants Emily to get her sister talking about what she knows about Christy’s escapades. He needs her to spill everything. He wants to know who Christy’s contacts are, what goods he gets, where he gets them, when he gets them and how he gets them. Emily promises to do this.
Marty is still sparring with Dire. Living with Dire whilst she was having IVF treatment was like walking on eggshells 24/7, he says. But there was a price to pay for this peace and quiet she had to have, and the kids were paying for it. He informs her that yesterday he ticked off Adele royally and asked her never to mention her abortion in front of Dire for fear of the way the woman would react.
Dire dismisses this with a gesture, as she stomps determinedly toward the ironing board in the middle of the lounge. She never forbade Adele from talking about that, she argues. But, Marty says, Adele feels she can’t mention it because of the way you reacted at the time. And then there was Plank, he begins ...
But Dire interrupts to assert that she and Plank were all right. They had ironed out their differences.
Until the next time, jibes Marty. ‘Until you see us all end crammed into a bedsit! Until we’ve got a five-figure overdraft!’
Dire now grabs the scrappy piece of newsprint that she’d fished from her handbag. It’s some estate agent blurbs from the local paper. She frantically waves the bit in front of Marty’s face, not allowing him to examine it himself, as she launches forth. Bedsit! Now who’s over-reacting? Why here were some terraced properties similar to the one Brigid had. They were perfectly adequate for their needs; and besides, look at the price. They fetch £15,000 less than Sitcom House was worth. Think of it! They’d have £15,000 at their disposal.
£15,000? Why that’s enough to finance five more IVF attempts, Marty remarks, sarcastically; but seeing the silly, stupid, selfish bitch’s face light up at that prospect and realising that’s what would happen with the surplus of the money, he decides to spell the situation out more starkly. He reminds her that they have no car; they have no telly, no reasonable stereo, no video; and that, more than likely, she would have them crammed into a shoe box and (raising his voice) SHE STILL WOULDN’T BE PREGNANT!!!!!
Dire is forced to flinch.
Antichrist Ant, meanwhile, sits dejectedly on a bench in the middle of the verge in front of The Parade. Nikki walks by on her way to work and waves at him, asking if he’s enjoying the view. Antony doesn’t respond.
Emily emerges from the salon to greet her sister, asking if she’s going to work. Nikki replies that she is and Emily asks after Christy: ‘How’s Slime?’
Nikki remarks that, were it not for her student loan, she wouldn’t work there anymore. She was sick of Christy and Leanne, their scams and their dodgy goods. You should see the place, she candidly remarks. Bev’s office was like an Aladdin’s cave of dodgy goods.
Suddenly, King Christy pokes his head out the door of the bar, reminding Nikki that it was 4PM. He doesn’t pay her to be late, he says. Nikki feistily remarks to his face that HE doesn’t pay her, BEV does; and with that rejoinder, Christy disappears. Emily gazes after him and then asks Nikki if it were true that Lance had quit.
Quit? Laughs Nikki. Christy got rid of him, she reckons. Lance knew too much about what Christy and Leanne were up to, she confides, before sauntering off to the bar. Immediately she’s gone, Emily whips out her mobile and phones Tim.
The Murray barney continues, with Marty suddenly contrite and trying to placate Dire, by saying that his last remark had come out wrong. Dire plays the wife card, tearfully reminding Marty that she was under the impression that the two of them were a team. Marty replies that Dire was simply not a team player. She’s become obsessed by this battle against all odds to get pregnant.
Dire pleads that she needs Marty’s support now more than ever before, but Marty sadly confirms that he can’t give anymore.
At that moment, the key turns in the door, and Adele enters. Her parents abruptly stop their arguing, and Marty is quick to notice Ant isn’t accompanying her. He demands to know the boy’s whereabouts.
Adele, with a stroppy look on her face, shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly. How should she know? She says dismissively. Maybe he was at rehearsals, or with his girlie mates.
Have some compassion for the kid, pleads Marty, but Adele will have none of that. ‘Compassion?’ She laughs grimly. ‘I don’t remember much compassion coming my way from either him or me Moom. All this talk about killing babies and me being a merr-derer!’
Shamed to the quick in Marty’s presence, Dire avows to Adele that she could have cut her tongue out for making remarks like that. But Adele only gives her a hard stare and stomps, not flounces, upstairs to her room.
Tim has returned to The Parade, and from the foliage surrounding it, he watches Lance stroll sadly around. He finally emerges from his hiding place and approaches Lance, who’s eyeing the bar again. Tim remarks that it appears that the pair of them are together on the scrap heap. He reasons it must be particularly hard for Lance - with Bev off and him out on his ear. Ol’ Lance must have figured he had a job for life there with Bev.
Lance confesses that he fell out with Bev in a big way before she left, all over his ex-fella Fred. But he continues to muse about how weird this present situation felt. He couldn’t believe that his own sister, Leanne, had dropped him from a great height in preferance to Christy Murray.
Tim listens sympathetically for awhile and suggests that Lance join him for a pint. Lance thanks Tim, but refuses. There was no way Christy Murray was getting his custom. Tim then suggests that they adjourn to Hotel Corkhill, where Tim would put the kettle on.
The Murry argy-bargy has now adjourned to the sitcom kitchen, where Dire’s next battle strategy is to make piecrust promises about her duty to her step-children and more IVF. She humbly admits to Marty that she missed essential things about the kids recently; in fact, she was going to ring the Head of Brookie Comp tomorrow and make that school pay! She admits that she’s been too self-absorbed lately, but promises never to let the IVF rule her life again, if only Marty would agree to letting her have more treatment. She couldn’t stop now.
But doesn’t she see? Wails Marty. If they went ahead with this, she would have to have MORE time to herself, as directed, more freedom from stress and the lot. They’d be in for the duration with her lectures.
Dire promises desperately that it wouldn’t be like it was before.
Marty won’t be moved. It’s time to call a halt to this, he urges.
The doorbell sounds and Dire disappears to answer it. Marty awaits her return, but his face falls abruptly, when he hears the dulcet tones of Brigid at the door. Dire returns directly, with a smug smile of someone who has found an ally, and leading Brigid triumphantly. Marty looks lost.
Lance and Tim enjoy some tea next door and have a conversation laced so thick in Scouse that one was hard-put to understand it. Tim reveals a dreaded secret - that he had once played the Artful Dodger in a school play, but he begs Lance not to tell. They then discuss the various jobs for which they have applied.
Lance is hopeful of finding work. He feigns indifference to leaving the bar, saying he’s tired of Christy and his poxy scams. And it’s worse living with Leanne. Christy was always there, and the place had become a tip. He was glad to be away more than he was there. Prodded by Tim, he reveals how Christy comes by his dodgy goods, how his contacts ring him at particular times - always in the bar - and how Christy would disappear for hours and then return with his van laden with dodgy booze. Tim listens avidly.
Dire has roped Brigid into the Murray mire, accusing Marty of saying that he didn’t want another baby. Marty defends himself on this point, saying that he didn’t say that at all. He says that starting another baby at this point would be like throwing himself overboard, with the financial mess they were in.
Again, in her mother’s presence, Dire desperately promises that she wouldn’t let the IVF control her behaviour this time. Marty reiterates that if she goes for another course of IVF, it will wreck the family she’s already got. Dire turns pleadingly to Brigid, expecting the older woman to come to her aid, but Brigid surprisingly remarks that she thinks Marty is right, to Dire’s consternation.
Nikki serves Christy at the bar, as Plank enters and sits beside Tim at a table. Tim has called him away from his mobile mechanic cash-in-hand service. Tim briefly explains that the pair of them are about to undertake surveillance on Christy, courtesy of the information provided by Lance. Christy sits at the bar expectantly, his mobile on the counter.
Any minute now, assures Tim, Christy will get a phone call and make his move to leave, and then they would follow. Plank is dubious. How does Tim know that Christy hasn’t already been to get the heist of booze. Tim assures him that Lance says everything works like clockwork; the phone should ring any moment now. Sure enough, it does, and the lads exchange triumphant glances.
Back at Sitcom House, Brigid is expounding her opinion of the current domestic crisis. She blames this younger generation of people (meaning Dire and Marty). For this generation the by-word is ‘must have’ - must have this, must have that, must have a car, must have a baby.
Dire views her husband and her mother with disdain, commenting upon this most unholy of alliances. She smells a rat, reckoning that Marty had talked to Brigid previously and swung her round to his side of the argument. Marty denies this vehemently. Brigid verifies this, reminding Dire that she well knew that even the second attempt offered no better chances at conceiving - as would another. There was no guarantee. To her, it seemed a waste of time and money.
Dire, not surprisingly, refuses to believe that. She HAS to have this chance to have a baby, she insists.
Suddenly and quietly, Marty asks Dire if she’s told her mother about Plan B yet. Brigid looks at Dire, who looks extremely uncomfortable. Marty succinctly informs Brigid that Dire has formulated a way which will allow the Murrays to have at least FIVE more courses of IVF treatment.
Brigid seems taken aback, but when Marty discloses that Dire proposes that they sell the house to finance her obsession, Brigid is, uncharacteristically, lost for words.
Tim and Plank still sit in the bar, eyeing Christy and waiting for him to make his exit so they can follow. Tim suggests that they buy another pint, but Plank maintains that the current brew is awful. The Sage floats by, collecting his glasses, and comments on their surveillance activity.
Tim is shocked that Jimmy has sussed their plans, but Jimmy informs them that they are being far from subtle. Even Nikki had sussed at the bar that the pair had their eyes on Christy for some reason. Suffice it to say that Jimmy is sceptical of their success.
Dire, meanwhile, continues to try to justify her position to Marty and Brigid. She assumes an accusing stance now, the wronged victim. Brigid and Marty made her feel as though she were some sort of freak, she says. It’s the most natural thing for a woman to want a baby. She wasn’t obsessed with the idea.
Brigid tries to reason with her. She and Marty used to be so happy, she recalls, but lately she’s not even been keen on visiting them, the atmosphere was so rife in this house. It wasn’t a happy home anymore, she asserts. It hadn’t been for awhile. All this sniping and bickering with each other ...
‘And I suppose that’s all MY fault!’ Screams Dire. ‘I’m responsible for it, am I? I suppose I’m the reason Adele got pregnant, I’m the reason Steve lost his job, the reason Antony is being bullied!’ (Well, yes, Dire, ultimately you are).
Brigid and Marty try to reason with her, but she won;t be quelled. She reminds Marty that she spent the first three days of 2001 squatting in agony upstairs, miscarrying a baby. Marty reminds her that he never left her side the entire time; but the simple truth was that no one had another £3k to part with, and there simply couldn’t be anymore IVF. It had already damaged this family financially and otherwise - maybe even irreparably.
Dire starts screaming accusations at both Marty and Brigid, when Ant suddenly enters the sitcom kitchen.
Christy leaves the bar and the lads follow. They unobtrusively get into Plank’s car, whilst Christy gets into his white van. Suddenly Emily appears by Tim’s window. Tim shoos her away, explaining that they were on surveillance and about to follow Christy. Emily asks if she can tag along, but Tim wants her to go home and ‘play wifey’. Wait by the phone to hear from him, he orders.
Suddenly, Plank admonishes Tim that Christy is about to leave. Emily urges the pair of them to be careful, as the van pulls off and they follow.
Proceedings have adjourned to the sitcom lounge, with the babyfied Antichrist, sitting on Dire’s lap, as she hugs and lavishes the little prick with kisses - his face, that is, as she’s not yet given to incest or paedophilia, but give her time. She apologises profusely about not knowing he was being bullied, asserting that she only found out today. Ant insists that he’s OK, but Dire insists that he isn’t.
Marty looks on, in weary silence, whilst Dire begs Ant never to be afraid to tell her anything that was happening to him. Honestly, don’t ever be afraid of telling her anything - even if he decided to join the Conservatives, she jokes (Redmond political statement).
Marty approaches Ant tentatively, apologising for losing his temper. The little shit determinedly looks the other way and won’t meet his father’s gaze. Marty admits that he hates himself for hitting Ant; it was totally wrong and it won’t happen again.
This admission raises Brigid’s hackles, and she wants to know what’s going on.
Interlude: Upstairs, Adele lies recumbant on her bed, listening to Kate Bush on the CD player.
As Nikki tends bar, she spies Lance pass the window outside. She runs from behind the bar and calls to him, as he passes the door. Lance is reluctant to enter, but Nikki assures him that the coast is clear and Christy isn’t around. Christy asks Leanne’s whereabouts, and Nikki huffs contemptuously that Leanne was a ‘no-show’. As she links arms with Lance and leads him inside, she wants to know exactly why he was sacked.
Actually, Lance informs her, he jumped before he was pushed. Nikki nods appreciatively. If it weren’t for her student loan, she repeats, she’d leave too. (Is there something to this mantra?) There was poor Lance, who quite willingly worked there 7 days a week without complaint, being forced to quit. That’s justice for you!
As Lance takes a seat at the bar, Nikki insists on serving him a drink on the house. He looks around disdainfully at the declining standard of clientele. Just look at the place, he observes, wrinkling his nose. Bev would string the pair of them up if she could see what the place has become. Nikki cheerfully vows that, were that to happen, she’d happily bring her knitting.
Lance asks if anyone’s heard from Bev, but Nikki says no one’s heard anything for yonks. (No update on the pithy website either). Lance continues. What annoys him is this terrible attitude Leanne’s developed - and that’s all down to Christy, mind you. Fancy that, dumping her brother for a doner kebab! The place upstairs, thanks to Christy, was now no better than a pigsty.
Then, as Nikki serves him another drink, he launches into a rant about some drop-dead gorgeous guy he’s met, as Nikki listens.
Christy drives along to his destination, singing along to Adam Faith’s ‘money’ song at the top of his voice. Two cars back he’s being followed by the lads.
Back at the Murrays, Marty’s told Brigid all about Antony’s tormenters. Brigid is livid. She’s of a good mind to call on that headmistress (not Karen Dalton), herself, and read her the riot act. Why didn’t Marty or Dire ring the girls’ parents, for goodness sakes?
Antony pipes up to beg them not to do that.
And those names, continues Brigid ... Paige and Imelda, I ask you. Mind you, the blonde one’s built like a tank. (Er, aren’t they both blonde?) Just listen to the names people gave children these days - Courtney, Kendall ... Why there was even a Dexter down the street from Brigid.
Antony asks why the trio were shouting when he entered the room. Before anyone else can reply, devious Dire informs him that his father and grandmother were trying to convince poor, disappointed Dire to give up any notion of further IVF treatment.
Antony demands to know why.
Emily sits alone at the table at Hotel Corkhill. Her mobile rings. She gets a suggestive text message from Tim. Why was this scene necessary, except that it gave the male viewers a gratuitous glimpse of Ms Ellison and fuel their weak imaginations found between their legs?
Lance has had a few bevvies, but has to be at his new work gaff by seven. He’s a bit unsteady on his feet and Nikki appeals to him to be careful, as he needs this new job. Lance remarks sourly that what he needs is a sister who doesn’t sling him out, whilst biding her time waiting for the ubiquitous Christy.
Everyone, bar Adele, at Sitcom House is fussing over Ant. He’s begging Dire, in his typically naive way, to keep trying the IVF for a baby, whilst Brigid admonishes him to wash his hands and Marty tells him to get changed from his uniform. Brigid agrees, and Dire accuses them, unreasonably, of ganging up on her again. She has a question to ask Antony and she wants the truth. Did he not tell her about Paige and Imelda because he didn’t want to deflect her from her attention to the IVF treatment? Did he? She tells the boy she doesn’t care what answer he gives her, as long as it’s the truth.
Marty, Dire, Brigid all sit surrounding an overwhelmed Ant in the sitcom kitchen, awaiting the word from the lips of the Antichrist as to whether he chose not to tell Dire about his bullying because of her IVF concerns. Finally, Ant replies that the fact that he kept quiet about his bullying ordeal had nothing to do with IVF. He confesses that he was too embarrassed to tell Dire about what was happening. He was simply embarrassed because he was being bullied by two girls.
The attending adults assure the lad that he has absolutely nothing about which to be embarrassed. Ant says, all the same, that he feels like a wimp. Marty helpfully reminds him that there were two of the bullies and only one of Ant.
Brigid snorts, ‘And the blonde one looks as though she was a bit of a wrestler, if you ask me’. (Thought they were both blonde, Brige). Ant repeats that everyone had thought his bullies were lads - Plank even wanted to teach him how to defend himself against them. Really, Ant says, it was nothing to do with IVF. It was because everyone thought his bullies were boys, and he was embarrassed to tell anyone he was getting hassle off girls.
Dire breathes a sigh of relief, giving Marty a brief glance of superiority, and assures Ant that his ordeal is all over now.
Tim and Plank continue their pursuit of Christy. Plank explains to Tim exactly what’s been happening in the Murray household in the past few months with IVF, all the while keeping Christy’s white van in their sights. He tells Tim how Marty had sold his car and his season ticket to finance Dire’s treatment. Now there was no money left for more of the same. But Christy wouldn’t budge on floating them a loan. Christy actually thought that any further attempt was throwing good money after bad.
Tim considers this, and after awhile, he’s forced to admit that maybe Christy was right - at least about that, after all. They follow Christy for awhile until he turns abruptly to the right, into a darkened industrial estate. Tim tells Plank to drive on. Plank says he’ll have to make a ‘U-ey’ up ahead, then park and the lads would have to enter the estate on foot. By now, it’s dark.
Adele Murray sits in her room, painting her toenails. Antony abruptly opens the door and enters. Adele ticks him off for not knocking, and Ant demands that his sister tell him why she had chosen to tell Marty that Ant was being bullied.
Adele looks at him impudently. Well, her telling their dad had done HIM no harm, had it? After all, who was the proper, little blue-eyed boy again? Honestly, letting GIRLS bully him!
Antony self-righteously informs her that he had to suffer being clouted by Marty and all.
Adele is not impressed. Oh, well, their dad would no doubt feel immensely guilty about it, so Ant could just milk that guilt for awhile. As a matter of fact, Adele says, were she Paige and Imelda, she would take great pleasure in popping Ant one.
Ant calls her a cow and reaching out, smears her toenail varnish before running out of the room.
Downstairs, Dire gloats to her mother and husband. The proof was in the pudding about Ant. The pair of them had assumed that the lad had kept quiet about the bullying in order that she wouldn’t be distracted by her IVF treatment; but Antony had told them all that had nothing to do with his silence. He was embarrassed, pure and simple.
Marty tries to explain to her that even thought Ant felt that his behaviour regarding the bullies had nothing to do with the boy’s concerns with her IVF, the IVF factor had put the rest of the family under immense pressure. Did he have to remind her that he had whacked Ant today, for no valid reason than he was under pressure from her demands? Dire may not believe him, but he was ashamed of what he’d done.
Dire starts to protest immediately, but Brigid silences her, telling her to let Marty have his say in this matter.
Take Adele’s abortion, Marty continues. It was no one’s fault that the girl got pregnant, but the poor kid sat on the news for weeks on end, because she knew how fragile Dire was and how important it was that Dire keep calm for her IVF treatment.
Hah! Bleats Dire. She probably kept quiet because she was afraid of getting battered by Marty if she told him.
Marty stares her daggers with his reply: ‘If I remember correctly,’ he says, ‘it was you who landed her one, when she told you she was pregnant’. Dire is immediately silenced, as Marty continues.
Conversations with Dire the past few months had been like walking across a mine field. You had to be careful because you never knew when the proceedings might go up a gear. Everytime anyone mentioned something about babies, Marty wondered if this would kick Dire off yet again. He even began to censor himself.
Dire tries yet again to defend her stance on IVF, but Marty maintains that their every waking moment had been determined by whatever stage she found herself in her treatment. She ruled the roost, he says. Her constant harping and hectoring about the treatment had pressured everyone in the house to boiling point. Why, Marty actually found himself to be more relaxed at work, than when he was constantly walking on eggshells at home.
Sorry, but the Murray family had reached the end of the IVF trail. Marty was not prepared to carry on.
Plank and Tim huddle by a brick wall in the darkness of the industrial estate, watching a snoring Christy catch 40 winks in the warmth of his van. Typical, mutters Plank. They freeze while he kips. At that moment a large lorry arrives at the site. It pulls up next to the van, and the driver emerges, as Plank and Tim flatten themselves against the wall. The man walks to the other side of the wall and relieves himself, complete with the sound effects of a cascading waterfall. Inside the van, Christy awakes.
Adele knocks on the Antichrist’s door and enters. She apologises for telling Marty about the bullying. From downstairs, the kids hear the muffled sound of raised voices. Adele wants to know what the latest argument is about. Babies and IVF, answers Ant, throwing Adele a sweet. He explains that Marty was trying to stop Dire from having further treatment.
Good, declares Adele. She announces that she’s sick of baby talk. She can’t wait to move out of the house. She explains that she and Michelle planned on getting a flat together as soon as they were eighteen. Anyway, if Dire HAD fallen pregnant, Adele and Ant would have copped it as unpaid babysitters. No, thank you.
The Antichrist assumes his usual air of sanctimonious hypocrisy. Adele had room to talk. It was Adele’s fault that ‘me moom’ didn’t get pregnant on the first go and had to have a second. Adele asserts that it wasn’t her fault.
Yes, it was, insists Ant. Dire wasn’t supposed to have any stress at all, and Adele went in the middle of all that and only had an abortion. Adele had ruined everything. As the little religious bigot preaches his foul sermon, Adele presses her face against the wall of his room and starts to cry. When the little prick solemnly accuses the girl of killing her baby, Adele becomes hysterical.
Marty assures Dire that he’s only being honest with her regarding their situation, but Dire only has sarcastic comments to make. Brigid enters the room to make the enlightening pronouncement that the Murrays needed a new loo roll upstairs, as Marty makes the more serious pronouncement that all the IVF treatment had bankrupted the Murrays both emotionally as well as financially.
Dire is still pushing to sell the house to fund her treatment. Anyway, she says flippantly, she was much happier in their old home.
‘Well, let’s time travel, then,’ declares Marty, frustrated by her inability to see anyone’s point of view but her own. ‘Why bother to move forward at all?’
Brigid enters the fray now, telling Dire in no uncertain terms that she should forget about IVF and count her blessings. Why uproot the kids to a new home, when they’d been through enough as it is? She asks.
A new house and a new baby, repeats Marty. Get real. That’s a dream.
Brigid encourages Dire by telling her that she had three good kids, who loved the bones of her. But she’s not their mum, Dire argues.
Of course she is, insists Brigid. They consider her as such themselves.
But they’re JAN’S KIDS! Screams Dire. Dire, she reiterates, is nobody’s mum.
Back at surveillance duty, Tim and Plank watch as the smuggler unloads a quantity of booze from the back of his lorry onto Christy’s van. It’s Continental ale, so this shipment is worth something.
Upstairs at Sitcom House, the wormy little Antichrist is clearly frightened at his sister’s reaction to his cruel taunts. Adele clutches the wall, staring fixedly into space, as Ant frantically urges he to come sit on his bed, apologising for saying the things he said.
Plank and Tim watch as Christy pays the smuggler and shuts the door of the van. The lorry pulls away, and Christy ambles to another part of the site in the darkness to take a pee. As he watches the man, Tim refers to Christy as the ‘Meff from Meffville’. As Christy walks away, Tim tells Plank to go back to the car. He would see him later at the bar. Then suddenly, Tim makes a run for the van, climbs into the cab and turns the ignition. Before Christy can finish his wee wee, Tim has absconded with the van and the booze. Safely in his hiding place, Plank looks on admiringly.
In the sitcom kitchen, Dire is playing the self-pity card now. She insists that she’s not the children’s real mum. It doesn’t matter, says Brigid. She’s a good mother, all the same. The children clearly worship her. Why, this whole incident’s been but a blip.
Ant enters the kitchen at that moment, begging the adults to come upstairs. Adele is acting funny. He tries to be specific, as Marty rushes past him. Brigid starts to go, but then notices that Dire remains doggedly seated at the table. Brigid asks if she’s coming, but Dire insists that Marty can cope. After all, Adele is HIS daughter.
Interlude: Somewhere on another darkened, deserted street, Tim parks his contraband van.
Marty, Brigid and Ant congregate in Ant’s room, where - in what has to be the most unintentinally comic scene of the episode - Adele sits, staring fixedly into space, like a zombie. Marty sits by the girl’s side on the bed, wondering aloud if he should take her to the medical centre. Brigid wrings her hands and asks helplessly why Dire doesn’t come upstairs.
And suddenly ... DA DA-DA-DAAA DA DA-DA DA DA-DAAAAAAAAA ... Supermum reincarnate flies up the stairs in a single bound! Dire sweeps into the tiny room and pushes past all who stand in her way until she’s sitting by Adele’s side. She wraps the girl in her hypocritical arms and pulls Adele’s head onto her shoulders, murmuring that this reaction has been a long time coming. SHE will take care of Adele now. Brigid ushers the rest of them out the door, advising them to let Dire deal with Adele.
From the van in the darkened street, Tim calls Emily on her mobile. (She’s at the Corkhills’, for Christ sake! Why can’t he ring the Corkhill number?) He tells Emily that he’s just nabbed a vanload of Continental ale off Christy - foreign stuff.
Emily shows her xenophobic ignorance by wrinkling her Mekon face. Ugh! Who’d want to drink that stuff?
Tim laughs. This would sell big time. There was a market for booze of this sort. Emily then asks him how Plank measured up, and Tim replies that Plank was OK. But he still needs Emily to do him a favour - she will have to make sure she’s dressed up warm.
Back at Sitcom House, Dire has miraculously restored Adele’s power of speech by placing a small white statue of the Virgin Mary in her hand. Ave Maria, gratia plena ... Adele is telling Dire how she feels as if people are staring at her accusingly all the time. She feels as if she can almost hear them calling her a ‘merrr-derer’. (I would say that, for the most part, that feeling was down to two people’s attitude - Dire’s and Antony’s). She fondles the pristine statue, musing on the fact that she had been a virgin too, like Mary. (Ah, but Leo wasn’t God, was he, Adele? He wasn’t even a luurve god!) Adele remarks in horrific wonder that she has killed her baby.
Dire melodramatically clutches her to her bosom, exclaiming: ‘My precious girl! You were only a baby, yourself!’
(Excuse me while I gag a maggot).
Downstairs, Brigid has doled out some food for Marty and the Antichrist, but neither of them seem to be hungry. Brigid, understandingly, starts to clear the table, murmuring that she will freeze what they didn’t eat. In an effort to begin a conversation, Ant moans that he wishes they could get a decent picture on the television Christy had given them, but Marty continues to gaze fondly and sadly at his youngest child.
Again, he apologises to Ant. He let the boy down, he says, because he was under pressure.
Ant confesses that Paige and Imelda would have laid into him, had Marty not shown up. The truth is, says Ant, he is a wimp. That’s why he didn’t want anyone to know that he was being bullied by girls.
Marty shakes his head. Just because a lad’s not handy with his fists, doesn’t mean he’s a wimp, Marty explains. Ant took the punishment the girls gave him and didn’t fight back. Ant had inner strength, says Marty, and he was proud of his son for that.
Suddenly, Brigid remarks that SHE’S proud of Marty, and she begins to smother his head in kisses, to the sound of Ant’s laughter.
Emily walks into Bev’s bar, where Nikki’s doing a shift. She accepts a drink on the house from Nikki. The two enjoy a bit of a chat, when Nikki suddenly susses something isn’t quite right with Emily. Obviously, Tim’s told Emily to high-arse it down to the bar to find Christy, but Christy is nowhere to be found.
Emily’s getting a bit antsy, looking around for him. Nikki asks if she wants another drink, but Emily says that she’s not staying that long. Nikki then confesses that if Emily planned on staying around, Nikki was going to smuggle her some bacon and chips. Emily demurs, saying she can’t pay for them.
‘Do you think I’m lining Christy Murray’s pocket?’ Laughs Nikki. ‘They’re on the house.’ Seriously, she says, she’s worried about Emily. Is she eating? She isn’t going hungry, is she?
Emily rubbishes that remark, for what it’s worth. Nikki announces that she hopes that husband of Emily’s is looking after her, and Emily assures Nikki defiantly that right now, even as they speak, Tim is busy getting some work that would pay good money. Nikki is sceptical - as long as Tim stays clear of guns. Emily retorts that Tim will stay as clear of guns, sorry ‘goonss’, as Jerome stays clear of nurses. At least, Tim was no cheat, she says.
Nikki remarks that it would be hard to cheat, when he’s doing a ten-year stretch, and as she’s about to finish her shift, she invites Emily to stay for a drink with her.
Emily lies and says she’s actually arranged to meet her friend ‘Becky’ from the salon, who appears to be running late. And by the way, Nikki’s wrong about Tim, she says smugly. Tim’s planning everything for a better life for them both.
Emily accepts this statement warily, advising Emily to give her a call later if ‘Becky’ didn’t show up.
Dire is still trying to soothe Adele, explaining to her that her behaviour was just a result of delayed shock at her abortion. She’d been keeping a lid on the ordeal all this time.
Adele admits that sometimes she regretted having had the abortion; but she also admits that she would have regretted having the baby even more. In her heart, she tells Dire, she knows she did the right thing. But she realised the immense pressure she had put on Dire. As if blaming herself, she says she wasn’t surprised Dire’s first lot of IVF didn’t work.
Dire assures Adele that IVF hardly ever works the first time. She tells Adele that she loves her and Adele begins to cry because Dire is being ‘so nice’.
Christy Murray steps from a taxi as Emily leaves the bar, deliberately bumping into him. She sarcastically begs his pardon, calling him ‘Christabel’. Oh, and by the way, she knows where he can get some knock-off ale at a great price. Immediately she gloats, Christy knows that the culprit who robbed him is Tim.
Back at Sitcom House, Dire is still with Adele, telling her that she looks too sad by half, as she begins to brush the girl’s hair. As Dire brushes her hair, Adele tells her that Brigid is forever telling the girl not to sell her hair. Dire jokes that, under the present circumstances, if Adele did that, they’d be quids in.
Adele apologises to Dire again. This time, she explains her attitude at the time of the abortion. She was angry and wanted to hurt Dire for her reaction to her pregnancy. She didn’t mean to refer to her as her ‘stepmother’ at that time, but it was easier for her to deal with Dire’s attitude by thinking of her as what she was - her stepmother. But that sort of thinking backfired, she says. Because she now realises that Dire loves her no matter what - and that’s exactly what a real mum would do. Dire was reacting to Adele’s predicament through love, not duty. In Adele’s opinion, Dire was more real than her real mum. Dire looks thoroughly ashamed of herself, upon hearing these words, knowing what she really feels toward Adele and Antony.
Christy arrives at the point designated by Tim to find Tim waiting for him with the van. Christy is in a blue van. Tim is on his own. Tim explains that he’s there to return the van for a price - £500.00. As he says this, two thugs move up from the darkness behind Christy. One looks as though he could be the father of Bullethead Thugfest. They exchange some words and the thugs prise the keys to the van from Tim, and would do more, but Christy tells them to let him go. Tim, it seems, reminds him of himself at that age. He tells Tim that the lad got off lightly this time, and that he’d have a long walk home; but he would be advised not to play these silly revenge games any longer.
Dire and Adele descend into the sitcom lounge. Marty asks if Adele is OK and she replies that she’s ‘tip-top’. Antony finally apologise for the way he’s been treating his sister lately, as Brigid optimistically remarks that perhaps now they could get back to the good old days, the way things were. Suddenly everyone feels ravenously hungry, and Dire finds a 20-pound note, giving it to Adele and sending her and Ant to the chippy. She feels that maybe Adele could do with a breath of fresh air.
Later in the evening, Tim has returned to Hotel Corkhill and sits rubbing his sore feet. He’s telling Emily and Jimmy that he was THAT CLOSE to pulling the scam on Christy Murray. He would have done so too, if Christy hadn’t arrived with his so-called mates. Emily announces that she’s going across the way to see Nikki, and Jimmy orders Tim to get on his feet and forget about his sore feet.
Tim is astounded. He’s bone-tired and wants to soak his feed, but Jimmy won’t let him. Tim has to get around to the bar, and fast. If he’s going to play with the big boys, Jimmy advises, one of the first rules he has to learn is not to lose face.
When the kids have gone to the chippy, before anyone can open their mouths, Dire tells Brigid and Marty to lay off any of the compliments about her being a good mum. She loves his kids, and she had nothing to prove by her behaviour toward Adele tonight. But that didn’t remove the fact that she longs for a baby of her own to have with Marty.
Marty assures Dire that she’d given IVF her best shot and now it was time to quit. No one thought she was obsessive or anything like a freak in her desire to have a child.
Not directly answering him, Dire turns to Brigid and asks her to describe how she felt when she first held Dire in her arms. Then she asks Marty how he felt when Plank was born. Before they can reply, whe rhetorically tells them not to bother being diplomatic; the truth is that she would never know that feeling. (Pity, pity, tough titty).
Tim sits with Plank and Jimmy at the bar, nursing a bevy and vowing to his audience of two that he wouldn’t fail so singularly in future ventures. Christy passes by and Tim stops him. He just wants Christy to know that if Christy is thirsty, Tim has about 6 cases of ale if he fancies them. Christy threatens him, but Tim only laughs.
Brigid has finally left Sitcom House and Marty and Dire are alone in the sitcom lounge. Dire tells Marty that the kids are stuffing their faces on fish and chips. After hesitating slightly, she begins to talk to Marty. She assures him that she loves his kids, but it’s simply not enough for her. She’s sorry. She would never tell Adele and Antony that, she promises, but it IS the truth.
She feels as though something is lacking in her life. She feels unfulfilled, she explains. Marty continues to look at her, with a mingling of apprehension and sadness on his face.
Part of her feels blessed at her good fortune, the incredibly selfish woman continues, but part of her wants to keep on trying the IVF in an effort to conceive. Oh, she KNOWS that there will be sacrifices, but she promises, promises, promises that things won’t be like they were before. Anyway, the kids seemed OK about it. Both wanted her to try for another baby again.
Marty replies, choosing his words carefully. Sure, the kids would be OK, until their world was turned upside down again by Dire’s obsession. Dire promises fervently that nothing like that would happen, but Marty doesn’t believe her. This obsession can only have a harmful effect on the family, if it’s allowed to continue.
Dire is begging now, telling Marty that she needs to have both - his family and a baby of her own.
Marty listens to her begging and her promising, and finally he presents her with an ultimatum. It may come to the fact that Dire will have to choose between continuing with the IVF or remaining with Marty. And whatever choice she makes, she would have to live with the consequences forever.
Dire begs Marty not to make her choose.
Summary © 2001 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2001