Tuesday, 16th October 2001

DEAD OR ALIVE?

No, it's not the way Dubya Bush wants Osama bin Laden served up to him, read the title. See the question mark at the end? Right. It's a question. About Brookside. Is it dead or is it alive? One thing for certain, it's not a sleeping giant, as it's lost the copious chances handed to it over the past year to challenge EE and Corrie at their not so best.

Tuesday night, I actually found myself yawning and glancing anxiously at my watch, wondering how much longer I had to endure an endlessly BORING story about an endlessly BORING topic and endless, endless whingeing, whingeing, whingeing. OK, they whinge on Eastenders, but at least there's a flippin' storyline. We WANT to see what happens with Phil and Shaz; we CARE about Kat and how she was molested as a child; we LOVE to hate Janine and sit, watching her work her wiles with Billy and wonder why no one's pointed out that she's an eighteen year-old involved with a forty-something man - they make Max'n Jax's May-December look like the flower of youth. And we actually WANT to see Beppe turn into Ollie Simpson now that Eleanor Kitsoff's arrived.

But Brookside? Dead or Alive, I ask you. Well, it just seems to be going the way of the old Brookie newsgroup ... R.I.P.

The Antichrist is having his breakfast, but he isn't eating. He's a troubled Antichrist, but he shouldn't be because the Armageddon he planned is about to take shape in the Middle East, but today he has more pressing problems on his mind. He's being bullied ... Not by Americans, but by something even worse ... Girls. More precisely, English girls. Even more precisely, SCOUSER English girls. Miniature Emilies in the making. And blonde at that.

He sits morosely at the sitcom table in the sitcom kitchen at Sitcom House. Marty, his long-suffering dad, whom he's designated as the Herod of the 21st Century, enters the kitchen, bearing an envelope, as the post has just gone. Christy, uncle to the Antichrist, follows.

As he sees the miserable Antichrist, Christy greets the lad jovially. He's heard Ant's about to become the star of the school Christmas play. Funny that, mulls Christy. He always fancied being an actor, himself. (He's pulling an Academy-Award winning performance with Leanne right now). Marty gives Christy a wry look, remarking knowingly that Christy would have been good and all.

Antichrist Ant sits glumly, playing with his food and eyeing his father and uncle warily, biding his time, waiting for his chance. Christy looks around the kitchen, suddenly realising something's missing. He asks Dire's whereabouts (noting that she's not where she usually is in the kitchen, i.e. sitting at the sitcom table, talking about IVF and feeding her fat gob). Marty replies that he's ALLOWING her to have a lie-in today, as she's due at the hospital, for a pregnancy test, and she's a bit on the nervous side.

Suddenly Ant pipes up to complain to his father that he's not feeling well enough to go to school. Marty refuses to accept his complaint and orders him to attend, but Ant protests that he's suffering from stomach ache. Marty refuses to relent, but tells him that if he doesn't feel right by dinnertime, he doesn't have to attend the afternoon session.

Plank pokes his wooden head around the sitcom kitchen door to announce that he's plonking out for a paper, just as Marty suddenly remembers the envelope in his hand and opens it. His face drops like lead.

He tells Christy and Plank that the insurance assessor has denied their claim. The insurance company will pay for the damage done to the back door, and nothing else. Well, that't that. No dosh. Christy is amazed. How could an insurance company do that? He demands to know. And after they had gone to such trouble to make everything look authentic.

Marty replies that insurance companies pretty much do what they want because of the small print in the policies. Realising that Ant is trudging reluctantly out of the kitchen and has stopped to earwig, Marty orders him abruptly to go to school, and as an afterthought, warns him not to go whining to his mother.

Next door at Hotel Corkhill, Jimmy sits, as ever, at his trusty computer, writing sentences about consequences. Lindsey ,who is doing the family ironing, nags that his toast is getting cold. Jimmy ignores Lindsey's remark, instead informing her that it is now possible to get the family shopping off the Internet. Jimmy wonders aloud if Jackie has discussed with her sister Val the possibility of remaining under Val's roof for a bit longer. Her stay there was only temporary. Lindsey assures Jimmy that Jackie would sort something out.

Plank, booted and suited, encounters the Naughty Nurse on The Parade. Nisha admires his attire, and he explains to her that he's on his way to have a chat with his bank manager about a business loan. He wants to start his own business as a mobile mechanic. Anyway, he's glad to be out of the house today. It's all go with his stepmother. She's having some sort of pregnancy test today to determine if the embryos emplanted last week are viable.

Nisha explains to him the sort of pregnanc y test Dire will undergo, as it's a blood test, and asks how Dire is coping. Plank replies that Marty is in a worse state that she is, for once (but he doesn't tell her why). Nisha wishes his family well, and Plank asks if he can see her that evening, but Nisha declines. She has a family do she must attend. (A hint of future characters?)

As Nisha and Plank chat, Lance and Leanne emerge from the entrance to their flat, behind them. As Lance passes Plank, he playfully assumes the mien of a boxer and challenges Plank to a round. Turning to Leanne, Lance asks if that sort of behaviour were butch enough for her. (Lance, one notes, is gaining weight).

Leanne is exasperated with his attitude as they plod toward the bar. She would never have mentioned Lance's behaviour if she thought it would upset him so much. Lance needs to think about how he acts around 'normal' people, she advises. Lance mutters that this is all down to Christy turning her against him.

Interlude: Antichrist Ant has reluctantly gone to school (is it Brookie Comp?). He skulks up the street and hides behing the foliage next to the main gate. Sneakily, he peers around the corner, spying the notorious Paige and Imelda standing in front of the school stairs, blithely chatting. Giving them a swift glance, Ant hurries past the front gate, and seeks another entrance to the school.

Christy and Marty are still having a discussion in the sitcom kitchen. Christy makes his preliminary departure, saying he's needed back at the bar, as he has to be sorting 'Lancey-boy' out. He mentions to Marty that he'd sack Lance if he could, and Marty grimly laughs, just imagining the prospect of Leanne choosing Christy over her brother.

Dire, the lady of leisure, enters the kitchen from upstairs, doing a fair impersonation of Jackie Corkhill in her bathrobe. (Can someone please tell my why the women on Brookside, ALL of them, including Emily, have thick terry bathrobes instead of varied dressing gowns? Do they all shop at the same place?) As Christy departs, he wishes Dire good luck for her visit to the clinic today.

After Christy is gone, she tells Marty that she couldn't sleep. (WHY hasn't Marty left for work yet? MORE time off? A wonder either of these people keep a job.) Have the kids got off to school all right? No problems assures Marty. Did Adele still have a cob on? (Doesn't she always and why, I wonder?) How was Ant?

Marty tells her not to worry about the kids, instead suggesting he make her a concoction of fresh bread, bacon, butter and ketchup - a typically Scouser high-cholesterol breakfast.

Leanne is pattering around behind the bar, when Lance plods out from the storeroom, carrying a case of drink and plops it manfully on the bar, asking his sister if that were butch enough behaviour for her. Leanne assures him that she's telling him these things because she only wants what's best for the bar.

'You mean what's best for Christy,' corrects Lance. This has got nothing to do with Lance in reality, and Lance sees through this, even if Leanne doesn't. Lance warns his sister that the the siblings will fall out big time if Leanne continues to associate with Christy.

Speak of the devil and his imps will appear. Christy enters the bar, glancing suspiciously at Lance and Leanne. Lance decides it mete to make himself scarce, and as he leaves, he offers Leanne a parting thought. Christy is no good for her, he tells her. Not only will he break her heart, but he'll ensure that Leanne loses her brother.

Christy places a cardboard box of something dodgy on the bar, after Lance goes, admonishing Leanne for not having courage enough to deal with Christy, although he understands that she might feel guilty because Lance was her brother. Pointedly, he asks Leanne if she's forgotten something, and Leanne dutifully kisses Christy on the cheek. Besides, he continues, he's got a present here for Leanne, as she excitedly opens the box.

It contains rainhats, plastic ones, the sort little, old ladies wear, thousands of them. Leanne's face drops. But that's Christy's latest gimmick for the bar, he says. Just imagine. It's pouring outside, and the punters risk ruining their hair when they leave. What's the solution? Hand'em plastic rain bonnets as they leave. Can't fail.

Leanne still has a worried look on her face, for which Christy blames Lance, saying that the hold Lance has over his sister is unbelieveable. Leanne refuses to be comforted and still looks miserable.

Lindsey is dressed and ready for work. She bustles about the kitchen at Hotel Corkhill, giving Jimmy hurried instructions about when to turn on the oven for his tea and telling him that she left the chips in the chip pan ready for Jimmy to cook. Tim enters the room from the extension, and Lindsey asks him what he's about.

Tim replies that he's suffering from dullitis, when his mobile rings and he leaves the room to take the call, acting shifty. Lindsey eyes him suspiciously, warning Jimmy how shady Tim's been acting lately. He's sure to be up to no good. Perhaps Jimmy could have a word and convince him to stay out of trouble.

Tim emerges from the extension, having taken his call. He's off out to sort out a bit of business, he informs the father and daughter. What sort of business? Jimmy asks. Oh, anything to make money, replies Tim glibly. His begging days are over, he says.

Lindsey whispers to Jimmy that he'd better keep an eye on Tim, or else the lad would end up back in prison.

Jackie enters the house, without knocking, explaining that Tim let her in. She's just dropped by to tell Jimmy that Val has said that she and William are welcome to stay with her as long as they want. Just as well, really, as William (who is FOUR, Becci-from-the-newsgroup-ask-no-questions) is quite happy playing with the kids on the street. Jimmy invites Jackie to stay for a cuppa.

Tim runs into the sartorially elegant Plank, who's still lurking about The Parade. Plank explains to Tim that he's off to see his bank manager about that business loan. Tim says he's got a business meeting of his own, off to see some ex-con mates. Plank asks him if he can spare twenty minutes. Plank's willing to buy him a drink in order that Plank might practice his spiel he'll use before the bank manager on Tim. Tim agrees and the two walk toward the bar. (Where else? Why not another pub?)

Inside the bar, Christy and Lance are trading insinuations again. Lance informs Christy that he's got Christy pegged. He knows what he's up to, trying to turn his sister against Lance. Christy counters by accusing Lance of turning Leanne against him. Lance replies that, although Leanne might fall for Christy's lies, Lance knows that Christy wouldn't even look at his sister, if she weren't managing this bar. Lance vows that he will see to Christy, and Christy vows equally that he will see to Lance.

Tim and Plank sit at the bar, whilst Plank practices his smarming for the bank manager. He tries to explain articulately that he's ready to start his own business yadda yadda yadda ... Tim, assuming a posh accent, agrees that Plank can have all the money in the bank for his venture, and encourages Plank to take some extra dosh for his friend 'Tinhead'.

But seriously, Tim tells Plank he has nothing to worry about. Unlike Tim, Plank has qualifications, experience, AND (most importantly) he's never been inside. Tim would have no chance. The only way he'd get inside a bank would be wearing a balaclava.

Dire and Marty bustle about, getting ready to leave for the ubiquitous clinic. Brigid has arrived and phaffs about in the background, tidying the house and getting on Marty's nerves. Marty goes outside to get away from her, and she remarks to Dire that Marty seems more nervous about today than Dire does. In fact, Dire seems downright calm.

Dire sits, looking serene and smug at the same time. Well, she preens, she didn't want to tell Brigid until she was sure but ...

Brigid surmises that Dire's pregnant, and Dire concurs, intimating that she feels 'different' and that she hadn't felt that way since the time when she was really pregnant. (Although how she can tell after a week is beyond me. Maybe I should practice my own religion again). Brigid sincerely hopes Dire is correct, but Dire begs her not to say anything to Marty until she was certain.

'This could be it,' she gloats, with her rigor mortis grin firmly set, as if in plaster.

Lindsey and Jackie sit on the Corkhill lounge sofa, Lindsey showing Jackie the new tee-shirt she's bought for Cabbage Patch Kylie. Jimmy offers Jackie another cuppa, but Jackie declines. Lindsey has to leave for work, but she suggests that Jackie stay until Kylie comes home from school as the child would love to see her, at the same time reminding Jimmy of what to do about his tea.

After Lindsey leaves, Jackie remarks to Jimmy how well Lindsey looks after him. Jimmy admits that Lindsey fusses a bit too much, but she means well. The couple sit awkwardly with each other for a moment. Jackie says that it's almost as if the two have become strangers; in fact, she feels out of place in what was formerly her own home.

Jimmy is hopeful that the couple can settle their differences and be comfortable with one another, but Jackie muses on how hard it is to believe that they won't be living together again. Jimmy confirms that that won't happen.

Dire and Marty sit in the consultant's office, Marty sitting in the background, whilst Dire sits camera front, waiting while the nurse prepares her for her blood test. Marty humours her, reminding her of how encouraging the doctor was. Dire, however, is more worried about the needle, as the nurse takes her blood.

Leanne runs into Christy at the bar, and Christy is in an agitated state. Leanne asks what's happened, and as per usual, Christy asserts that he's been having problems with Lance again. And it gets worse. Christy discloses that he's only found Lance situated outside the men's loos trying to chat up the punters as they come and go. Christy came upon an incident so outrageous that he actually thought one accosted punter was going to deck Lance.

Luckily, Christy continues, he managed to diffuse the situation before it got really ugly, but when he tried to reprimand Lance about it, Lance laughed in his face. He was well out of order, that brother of Leanne's. He actually told Christy that CHRISTY would have to do and asked him to bend over!!! (Can't believe Brookside actually had this line pre-watershed). Christy, who by now is convincingly shaking with rage, asserts that Lance is out of control. Why, what Lance was doing was pure sexual harassment!!! Oh, Christy realises that Lance might come across as all innocent and loveable, but he'd seen another side to him today, and Lance was clearly depraved. Leanne is shocked beyond words.

Plank Murray sits disconsolately on a wooden bench outside on the Parade. No, he isn't bonding with a relative, he's upset. Tim approaches and asks how Plank got on in his meeting with the bank manager.

Oh, well enough to begin with, answers Plank. They came across all nice and friendly, he says, then ripped him to bits. Said he had a good idea, but he lacks the basid business expertise. They advised him to go away and come back with a proper business plan and evidence of capital to invest. There goes his dream of self-employment, he mourns. Better he resign himself to a lifetime of being just another dirty-handed mechanic.

Tim is sympathetic to his friend being knocked back by a bunch of 'beauts in suits'. Plank asks how Tim got on at the crime jobcentre. Apparently, it was a no-go there as well, and the two decide to adjourn to the bar for a bevy.

Jackie and Jimmy continue the serious discussion about their futures. Jackie expresses doubt about starting a new life at her age. She had blithely thought everything was in place for the two of them before this misadventure. Now she wonders what the future holds.

Jimmy replies, in Sage of the Close mode, that the future holds whatever they make of it. (How about a Gospel according to Jimmy Corkhill as a new Brookie book?) Jackie, however, is curious, and wants to ask Jimmy a question. Is it true, she asks, that Jimmy and Cheryl never had sex together?

Jimmy admits that this is true. He couldn't have sex with Cheryl. Quite simply, he wasn't ready for another relationship.

Well, that must have been the first time a man had ever refused Cheryl, comments Jackie, but Jimmy contends that Cheryl was very understanding of his reasons. Jackie finds this hard to believe of her cousin. She then asks Jimmy about his relationship with Anthea Dixon.

Jimmy admits that Anthea is a lovely woman and wasted on Ron Dixon (the way Jackie was wasted on you, eh, Jim?). But the truth was that she and Jimmy were just mates. Jackie apologises for asking.

Jimmy assures Jackie that one day she, too, will be ready for another relationship, but Jackie admits that the thought of being single again, of learning to meet men and court, is frightening.

Jimmy tells her that there are plenty of men out there who will find her attractive, but Jackie insists that at the moment, she's happier being on her own. Jimmy promises her that she'll find someone, and Jackie maintains that whoever he might be, he'll have to be very special. Jimmy, she says, is a hard act to follow. Jimmy admits that he will have to confront that problem also.

Dire and Marty, meanwhile, sit uneasily in the consultant's office, awaiting the appearance of the man who plays God. Dire is finding the wait for the results of her blood test hard going, but Marty reminds her that these things take time. For the first time, Marty senses tension in Dire. He asks if she's OK.

Dire admits, guiltily, that she can't stop thinking about the kids and how this IVF's affected them. She feels that the pair of them have been so preoccupied with IVF (her in particular and Marty in supporting her desire), that they've actually pushed the other three kids away. In other words, she's beginning to think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, she's been more than a tad selfish.

Plank is barely on speaking terms with her at the moment, and Adele doesn't hold back in speaking her mind, and that's been far from pleasant recently. And Antichrist Ant ... He was so excited about his new school and his part in the play, and now he's gone all quiet. She's beginning to wonder if all this bother is worth the trouble caused the rest of the family.

The school day has ended, and Antichrist Ant leaves the school. He walks trepidatingly, cautiously keeping an eye open for any appearance of Paige and Imelda. As he is about to reach the school gate, he thinks they might have avoided him and relaxes a little. Little does he realise, the two girls are watching from the side of a nearby building. They pounce, dragging him to the wall of this building.

They demand the money that they previously wanted, and Ant tries to retaliate, but they bang him against the wall, then push him to the ground and start reigning kicks about his body.

Tim and Plank sit at the bar, nursing their bevies and wearing the ludicrous plastic rainhats. Both are, in Scouser terms, bladdered. Tim is worried about not having money to pay for their drinks, but Plank promises him that he'll get Christy to put the cost of the sesh on Christy's slate.

Lance is having a conversation with two other staffers about Dusty Springfield, when Leanne approaches. Seeing her, he quickly changes the subject to Mike Tyson. Leanne is annoyed with him and asks that he accompany her to the office. Lance wants his sister to hear him out. As they walk to the office, they pass Christy, who's playing pool. Christy smirks, knowingly.

The consultant finally arrives to greet the waiting Murrays. He apologises for his delay and confirms that he has the results of the pregnancy test. Dire anxiously asks if she is pregnant.

Leanne sits uneasily at the desk in the office, confronting Lance. She doesn't know how to begin, but acknowledges that the atmosphere in the bar lately has been awful. Lance immediately misreads the situation, assuming that she's come to her senses at last about Christy. Leanne continues by saying that she feels she's been deceived. Someone close to her has taken her for a ride. She tells Lance that she knows what's been going on between him and Christy. The trouble with her is that she's just too soft, she adds bitterly.

This is really hard for her to do, she stammers.

Lance is hopeful, and then his hopes are cruelly dashed. Leanne acknowledges that perhaps it would be better if she and Lance didn't work together, effectively siding with Christy over her brother.

Lance musters all his inherent dignity and tells Leanne that he will spare her the upset of having to sack him. He resigns. But he offers a parting shot, by saying that she will regret losing him, both as an employee and a brother.

Paige and Imelda stand menacingly over a prone Antichrist Ant. They warn him that they are no longer at junior school and that he shouldn't try to stand up to them. They were serious now and meant business. The slope off, leaving him on the ground and crying.