Tuesday, 9th October 2001

THERE’S ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE

... Suckers, that is, accornding to the great man, himself, W C Fields. Well, it looks as though they’ve all congregated on Brookside Close. EVERYONE, but EVERYONE is a sucker. Max is a sucker for women. Jax is a sucker for feeling sorry for poor pitiful Katie. Ron is a sucker for taking the moral high ground and expecting everyone else to live up to that. Anthea is a sucker for believing anyone who doesn’t like Ron. Mike is a sucker for laziness. Rachel is a sucker, simply because she’s stupid. Jessie is a sucker for younger men. Ray is a sucker because he’s taken for granted. Nikki is a sucker for not trusting men. Do-A-Little is probably a toe sucker. Marty is a sucker for being snookered out of money by his greedy, obsessive wife. Dire is a sucker for being snookered out of Marty’s money by the IVF clinic (a racket if there ever was one). Ant is a sucker for religious bigotry. Brigid is a sucker for her daughter. Plank is a sucker for naughty women and being extremely naive for a man of his age. Adele is a sucker for anything in trousers. Jimmy is a sucker for believing his own warped psychology. Jackie is a sucker for Jimmy. Lindsey is a sucker for being used as a referee by her battling parents. Tim is a sucker for Emily, and Emily is a sucker for crime.

That about sums it up, n’est-ce pas?

Tense times at Sitcom House. Harsh words have been spoken, and an unpleasant taste is left in everyone’s mouth, and it doesn’t come from Dire’s cooking. Dire stands in the middle of the sitcom kitchen, phone in hand. She’s talking to the IVF clinic, asking for a Dr Romano (maybe she’s been fantasising all along and thinks she’s in an episode of E.R.).

Adele stands at the famous sitcom counter, and she’s a disappointment to behold. She’s still the same old dozy, plain, liver-lipped Adele; and if she’s had her famous implants done, they’re still well-hidden by her baggy jumpers. She listens to her stepmother’s conversation, with a dopily hopeful inane and ingratiating grin on her face. GRRRR!

Dire’s telephone conversation concerns one of her two favourite topics - IVF (the other being herself). She wants to talk to Dr Romano about possible embryo implantation, but the doc is out (probably on the golf course, paid for by Dire’s fees). Never mind. His secretary says he’ll be back in the next ten minutes.

As she finishes her conversation, Plank emerges stiffly (well, he is rather wooden). He tiptoes evasively into the sitcom kitchen, taking extra special care to turn his back pointedly in the direction of his wittering stepmother. In doing so, he passes a sullen Marty, carrying a piece of plyboard (not a Murray relative, I hasten to add). It’s obvious the two men are studiously avoiding each other.

Adele remarks sarcastically on the ‘happy chatty atmosphere’ in the household that morning. (CAN SOMEBODY TELL ME PLEASE WHEN EITHER DIRE OR MARTY MURRAY ACTUALLY WORK?)

Over at the Dixons’, the Brainless Beauty of Merseyside, AKA Rachel Dixon, stares stupidly at an official-looking letter, decked in red. Hmmm ... Wonders Rachel. Red means danger. It must be a very bad letter. Actually, it’s a final demand from the loan company she snookered Mike into getting involved with when he was in hospital. They now want the loan repaid in full. Hang on a minute! This sounds eerily familiar. Didn’t Rachel’s mother Mandy find herself in a similar predicament? Nice to know Brookside believes in preserving the continuity of the family. So that’s where Rachel inherited her empty cranial cavity - from Mandy, she of the birds’ nest hair and twisted, discontented mouth.

She swiftly hides the letter, however, because Mike enters the room, suited and booted in his new security guard uniform and carrying Baby Beth, the cutest child on the show. (Give them time, they’ll ugly her up).

Jimmy sits at the computer in the lounge of Hotel Corkhill, a detemined yet manic look on his face, whilst furiously tapping away at the keyboard, his brow furrowed in deep, illogical concentration. Tim emerges from the extension and glances at the Corkhill washing machine, which is laden with clothing (obviously from the lethal Corkhill laundry basket), but not turned on.

Tim must have had some laundry that was urgent, because he’s not at best pleased that his servant and mentor, the Sage of Brookside Close is absorbed in his computer intricacies and hasn’t done Tim’s laundry. Clearly annoyed, he demands to know why Jimmy hasn’t started the spin cycle yet. (Tim is so dim, he doesn’t realise that Jimmy’s already started a spin cycle of his own, without any help from Alistair Campbell either, and he’s spinning out of control.)

Glancing over his shoulder at the lad, Jimmy verbally tears Tim off a strip. Couldn’t Tim manage that? What did he think Jimmy was? He worked all the time in that house.

Into the foray marches Lindsey, interrupting the pending barney and clearly shocked by Jimmy’s behaviour.

Mike and Rachel stand on the doorstep of the Dixon house. Mike is preparing to go off on his first day of employment since the accident. He’s taken off his security guard tie and hat and is explaining (or trying to explain, because she’s thick as pig shit and doesn’t understand words unless they are less than one syllable) to Rachel that his first day consists basically of an induction course.

Rachel, however, who is proving to be a sucker for a bloke in uniform, is only interested in knowing why he’s ditched his tie and hat. He looked just like ‘one of them blokes froom Fool Monteh’. Mike replies that he thought he looked like a plank (no, not Steve Murray, although a fair approximation). Anyway, the money’s not great, he admits, but with the two of them working, they should manage to repay their debts a bit better. At least he was earning a dollar or so now (actually, Mike, you’ll be paid in pounds; if you were being paid in dollars for this sort of work, you’re income would be a lot higher). Rachel looks mightily uncomfortable at these remarks, but her attention is diverted by Nikki Shadwick, returning to the Close and carrying a newspaper.

Rachel greets Nikki by asking if she were working later. Nikki replies that she is, as she needs the money and Rachel looks even more uncomfortable at that remark.

As Nikki walks up the path to the bungalow, she hands Ray the paper, which is the Daily Mail, and she makes the ubiquitous Redmond political statement as she hands him the periodica: ‘There you go. Here’s your scum Tory rag.’ {We can ALL assume that Nikki’s intelligent enough (or not if their current level of journalism is anything to go by) that she reads The Guardian, of course}.

‘It’s the voice of the people,’ cries Ray. (Er, why were there no remarks about Jimmy Corkhill’s reading of The Daily Mail?)

As the two chat on the doorstep, Jessie barges out of the bungalow and steps pushes her way roughly and rudely between Nikki and Ray in an attempt to leave the premises. Sorry, she says abruptly, but she must dash off. Nikki notices that Jess looks upset and asks Ray if the two had had a row.

Back at Sitcom House, Marty, Adele and Plank are in the back garden, whilst Marty’s attempting to temporarily mend the damage he inflicted on the house. Adele stupidly asks Marty if he thinks it will be soon that Dire is able to attempt another embryo implantation. Marty replies that, as they speak, the obsessive and pushy Dire is on the phone to the clinic about that very subject.

Standing sullenly on the sidelines, Plank announces that he hopes the procedure is done soon, as all this IVF talk is doing his head in.

Ignoring Adele, as most everyone does, Marty takes Plank aside and asks if he’s apologised to Dire yet. Apologise? Says Plank. You ARE joking! SHE should be apologising to you; after all, it’s her crazy obsession that’s stitched Marty up to the point that he is reduced to fraud in order to alleviate his financial stress.

Marty reminds Plank that when Jan, Plank’s mother, ‘did one’, it was Dire who held the family together. Therefore, Plank owes her greatly. Maybe so, admits Plank, but that didn’t alter the fact that Marty owed Plank an apology as well. It was Marty who had Plank pinned up against the wall, siding with Dire. Dads don’t do that sort of thing to their children, he points out. Marty is abashed at being told off by his son and apologises, albeit reluctantly.

At that moment, Dire bounces out of the house, with that insufferably smug and selfish rigor mortis grin on her hard face. She stops in her tracks however, when she gets an eyeful of Marty’s temporary repair of the house.

‘What’s THAT?’ She screeches ungratefully. But she doesn’t give him a chance to reply, because she has ‘good news’. THERE ARE TWO EMBRYOS JUST READY AND WAITING FOR IMPLANTATION, according to the clinic. (Oh, whoopee-doo). Adele dutifully smiles, mutely begging her stepmother to forgive her transgression of having had an abortion, and asks when Dire can have the implantation. Dire exclaims that it can be done today. (Looks as though the clinic were in no hurry to tell her, as she had to ring them herself. What does she pay out all that money for?)

Everybody’s jumping up and down with glee, until they remember the presence of Plank, who reluctantly admits that he’s ‘cool’ about the possibility of a baby. He gives his stepmother an understated apology for his previous behaviour. Dire’s first reaction to the apology is to smile smugly as per usual, then she remembers his words, and a look of guilt crosses her face.

Jimmy still sits at the computer, only Lindsey sits facing him now, her face a picture of concern. We glimpse Jimmy’s computer screen, which is filled with two alternating sentences: ‘Ignore the consequences. Beware the consequences.’

Lindsey has noticed this too. She asks Jimmy what he’s doing. Ah, there’s a lesson to be learned from all of this, Jimmy tells her, confidentially. But ... Maybe it’s the wrong lesson, he remarks, suddenly uncertain in his resolve. It’s about persistence in the face of people who are trying to control other people. Like Jackie, for example. That’s what the row was all about - Jackie trying to control Jimmy, the way she’s done all their married life. Look at her, he says. She said Jimmy was unbalanced.

Lindsey tries to interject an opinion, admitting that Jackie was out of order to have said those things, but Jimmy won’t let her finish.

He wants to show Jackie that he doesn’t need props, he maintains. Show her that he can be a real dad to William. He glances at the computer screen with its twattle about heeding and ignoring the consequences. Frantically he begins to tap the keys some more. All that’s wrong for a start, he realises. Consequences cloud the issues at hand. Giving Lindsey a brief, sidelong glance, he announces that he’s decided that he could do without his medicine. He’s thrown the tablets away. It’s the tablets that have done this, he witters. They’ve caused Jackie to think Jimmy was a looney.

Lindsey is immediately thrown into a panic. She demands to know where Jimmy’s put the tablets and begins to search for them.

At Sitcom House, Marty and Dire are preparing to take a bus to the clinic. Adele says she’ll keep her fingers crossed that the implantation works out, and Plank reluctantly wishes his stepmother good luck. Dire smiles uncertainly.

As the couple leave, Adele demands to know what’s causing the tension between Plank and their parents. Plank admits that the trio had big words the previous day, when Plank kicked off about the financial stress the IVF treatment was causing the family.

Adele assumes the moral high ground and ticks Plank off. Didn’t he realise ‘me moom’ had to be dead calm in order for the IVF treatment to be successful. Well, rejoinders Plank, if that were the case, Adele hadn’t exactly contributed to that aura of calmness with her recent behaviour and her scally mates.

Adele is shocked. She has no scally mates, she maintains. Oh yeah? Questions Plank. Well, Adele has had two boyfriends in her adolescent life - the first got her pregnant and the second robbed the family blind. This all indicates that she’s an incredibly poor judge of men. From now on, he warns her, HE’LL vet her boyfriends, and if they even as much as look dodgy, he’ll threaten them within their lives.

As Adele practices her fine art of flouncing away, Plank turns in time to see Tim come out into Hotel Corkhill’s back garden and hang some washing on the line. Plank ribs him about doing housework, asking if Tim knits as well. Tim has a laugh and asks Plank if he’s managed to pay a visit to Katrina’s dad yet.

Plank admits that he hasn’t. What? Tim is surprised. He thought Plank wanted to kill Geoff Evans. Anyway, Evans deserved to be stitched up for scotching Plank’s chances of getting a job. Didn’t Plank want to see justice done?

Plank admits that there was more to the story than met the eye. It was a family thing, but he won’t specify what happened. Tim reminds Plank that Geoff Evans must be having a good laugh at Plank’s predicament, and suggests that the pair of them pay him a visit.

Brigid and Jessie are busy cleaning the bar, when Brigid accidentally spills a salt cellar. Oh dear, she can’t remember whether one is supposed to throw spilled salt over one’s left or right shoulder for luck. She wanted to get it right, as the Murrays were in need of a bit of good luck, she explains to Jessie. It’s this IVF thing again. Dire is on her way to the clinic for yet another embryo implant.

Jessie wonders if Dire will attempt this again if the implantation isn’t successful this time. Brigid doesn’t think she will. (Think again. The next time, she’ll bankrupt Marty).

Lindsey, meanwhile, searches frantically for Jimmy’s tablets, looking in the rubbish bin, in drawers, behind cushions, whilst Jimmy sits blithely at the computer. When did he stop taking the tablets? She asks as she searches. Jimmy tries to think, and Lindsey encourages him to concentrate. She needs to know.

Last night, he finally replies, distressed. She finally finds the bottle and sits down with Jimmy, assuming the role of responsible adult. All this is about Jackie, she begins. Jimmy should forget Jackie, stop slagging her off and put his failed marriage behind him.

Jimmy can’t help it, he admits. He keeps going over everything Jackie’s said to him recently until he’s beginning to wonder if the failure of the marriage isn’t all his fault. Maybe the two should attempt a reconciliation again? He suggests. Yes, the last one was a disaster, but suppose it was a disaster because Jimmy was taking those tablets?

Lindsey sighs wearily. Jackie’s and Jimmy’s marital problems began long before Jimmy was prescribed anti-depressants, she lectures. Jimmy’s doctors had warned him that he could react this way when faced with stress and pressure. Look what he had on his plate - going through a divorce, working, living with lodgers and spending hours on his computer. Jimmy HAS to begin taking his medicine again, she says. If he doesn’t, she’ll phone the Community Nurse and report him.

In the background, the viewers are able to see the one remaining sentence in the middle of the computer screen:

‘Beware the consequences.’

Jimmy argues with Lindsey that the tablets he take control him. Lindsey counter argues that they help him. She opens the bottle and metes out the prescribed dosage, ensuring that Jimmy takes them in her presence, much the was a mother would do a child.

As Jimmy gulps down the tablets, Lindsey muses that she’s going to phone the Community Nurse anyway, just for some moral support in the situation. Jimmy, suddenly sane and coherent, looks at Lindsey gratefully, remarking that with her around, Jimmy really didn’t need the Community Nurse. In fact, Lindsey did such a good job looking after him, caring for him et al, that he really didn’t need a wife, when he had Lindsey. Lindsey’s face falls a mile at this last comment, envisaging a lifetime of slog, caring for the puerile Jimmy.

Tim and Plank walk along a street in front of a large and successful auto dealership, obviously belonging to Geoff. Tim is curious. He remembers Plank saying something about his falling out with Geoff being something of a family thing. What did he mean by that, exactly?

Plank tells Tim the tale about when Geoff made a pass at Dire, then tried to lie about it by slinging the mud at her. Tim is outraged. If anyone tried to do that sort of thing to his mum, he’d see them what for. At that moment, Tim’s text messager sounds. Of course, it’s from Emily, who’s texted him that she’s going to spend a few days in Paris and will be home Friday. While in Paris, she hopes to buy some sexy ... But Tim leaves out the last bit. (I would have thought she would have been more at home in Amsterdam).

As the two stand on the dealership forecourt, a young car salesman approaches them from behind, asking if they need assistance. Tim asks if they can speak with Geoff Evans, but the salesman, whose name is Rog, recognises Plank and greets him warmly. Plank introduces him to Tim.

Geoff isn’t here, Rog explains. He’s been sniffing around the new secretary and now he’s scored. Taken her off to a car show in Milan for some jollies, says Rog. Mind you, Rog fancied the girl, himself, but it was more than his job was worth to snake her away from the boss. 34DD, she was. Massive. Er, could he help the lads with anything?

Sure can, says Tim. He’s just got a pay rise and he’s in the market for a late-model car. Ol’Geoff had promised him a test drive - maybe that blue Volkswagen over there? Smelling a potential customer, ol’Rog hastens to oblige.

Marty and Dire sit in the posh waiting room of the IVF clinic. Marty is thumbing through the property section of Country Life magazine, looking at large Cheshire homes. He marvels at their prices, but assures Dire that if he could afford a house like that, he’d willingly buy it for her.

Dire confesses that she’s feeling guilty about IVF. She wonders if she’s being selfish about wanting a baby so much, especially when it was obvious that not everyone in the family shared her desire. The kids resent being skint, she points out.

No, they don’t, humours Marty. They’re well-fed and clothed. They have no complaints.

But they have no television and no car, reasons Dire. And that argument with Plank. The way Marty reacted. Why, she couldn’t bear the thought that her husband and stepson were reduced to brawling over something she wanted. She asks Marty if her desire for a baby is ruining the family. (Well, yes, it is, to be frank).

Marty, ever the wimp, lies and tells her that EVERYONE shares her desire for a baby (although God knows how they are going to manage to afford everything it entails).

Well, ol’Dire’s just ‘made oop’ at that remark, and the nurse calls her in to begin the treatment. As she rises to go, she asks Marty once more, just for reassurance, if the kids really want the baby. Marty assures her that they do, but she wonders if she’s being extremely selfish.

Rog is chauffering Tim and Plank around in the test car. He asks Tim what line of work he’s pursuing. Oh, Tim replies innocently, he’s in sales. Sales? Rog is impressed. What kind of sales.

Bras, Tim replies with a straight face. Now Rog IS impressed with that. How did Tim get into bras? He wants to know.

Plank answers that Tim moved up from knickers.

Tim reminds Rog that it’s about time HE test drove the car, as he was the potential buyer. Rog parks the car, gets out and tries to explain the instrument panel to Tim. Tim reminds him that he does know how to drive, and Rog jokes that he doesn’t want Tim executing any emergency break turns. As Tim gets behind the wheel, he asks Rog if he’s going to stand on the pavement all day or get in; but before Rog can move, Tim takes off in the car at breakneck spped, leaving Rog standing and shouting for Tim to bring the car back.

Plank eyes Tim nervously, but Tim just laughs and says, ‘He who laughs last.’

Rachel and Nikki are working behing the bar. Nikki is chatting away, happily, having suddenly realised that it won’t be long until Christmas and everything that entails in the bar - Christmas parties, overtime etc. Goodness knows Nikki could use all the money in wages she can get, if Christmas last year was anything to go by. It took her until the end of the summer to pay off her credit card she used to buy Christmas gifts.

Rachel listens in morbid silence to Nikki’s chattering, thinking all the time about her own massive debt. She querulously asks Nikki if she isn’t worried about being in debt. Rachel assumes that Nikki has a student loan. Of course, says Nikki, but she tries not to worry about that. Anyway, Nikki ploughs on verbally deeper, any financial problems Rachel has should soon be gone, now that Mike has a job and the couple have two wages.

At the mention of this, Rachel can stifle her emotions no longer and she softly starts to cry. Nikki is immediately concerned and asks what’s prompted the tears. Rachel admits to Nikki that she and Mike are in a right mess - except that Mike doesn’t know how badly off they are. They have this loan that they are paying off and it’s been a struggle with Mike being out of work, Last month she was due to pay a monthly instalment and she told Mike that she had done so; but she hadn’t. She explains to Nikki that they had fallen behind a month once before and Anthea had bailed them out with a loan. Instead of paying the monthy mite due the loan company, silly Rachel had succumbed to pressure from that nice, kind, understanding Anthea, and repaid the money owed to her. Now the loan company wouldn’t brook another non-payment and had issued a final demand, wanting the entire amount owed. Nikki listens in concerned understanding.

Meanwhile, Plank and Tim return from their joyride to the forecourt of Geoff’s dealership, to find good ol’Rog awaiting them. Rog is sweating buckets. He’s concerned for the status of his job, and swiftly reminds the lads that they would never have got away with car theft, because there was CCTV in operation on the forecourt.

Tim laughs and tells Rog not to get into such a flap. Flap? Exclaims Rog. This is seriously NOT funny. If Geoff found out about this, Rog would lose his job. In fact, Tim and Plank are damned lucky Rog didn’t call the bizzies. He would have done so without hesitation, had the lads not rung the dealership on Tim’s mobile.

Never mind, says Tim, dismissively. It was all a joke and the car was back safe and sound now. As far as potentially buying it, Tim doesn’t think so. Rog, exasperated, instructs Tim to park the car in front of the showroom window, and Tim dutifully backs the car into position. All goes well with the manoeuvre until Tim accidentally on purpose steps onto the accelerator and smashes the car, rear-first, into the showroom window. Glass sprays everywhere.

Rog is more than sweating now; he’s literally bricking it as he runs toward the vehicle, from which the lads are emerging. What on earth happened? He demands. Tim plays the innocent, saying it was an accident and apologises, saying he just wasn’t used to cars with automatic transmissions. By the way, does Geoff’s insurance cover personal accidents when a punter is test-driving a car, only Tim feels a bit of whiplash coming on. And he rubs his neck gingerly as he and Plank walk away.

‘That’s my job gone,’ mutters good ol’Rog as the boys depart.

Plank can’t believe what happened. Is Tim mad? He wants to know. That’s justice, Tim informs Plank, and Plank agrees that he’s happy to have been a part of the scam. And here we see Pinocchio about to embark onto the Yellow Brick Road of Crime. (He’s off to see the wizard, who’ll probably turn out to be Jimmy).

Lindsey and Jackie are working a shift at the garage. Jackie has been noticing that Lindsey isn’t exactly her normal self and comments on the fact that Lindsey’s hardly had a word to say all morning. Lindsey admits that she’s worried sick about Jimmy. Jackie then tells her daughter that she almost decided to stop into Hotel Corkhill on her way to work, but thought it might only provoke a row.

Lindsey tells Jackie that Jimmy had a stinking go at Tim this morning about nothing. When Lindsey decided to investigate Jimmy’s behaviour, she found that he had binned his tablets. He ended up getting tearful and agitated with her.

Jackie is shocked to discover this, and Lindsey tells her that Jimmy felt the tablets were controlling his mind. He’s worried sick at the thought of losing William. By binning the tablets, he thought he might be able to think more clearly.

Jackie admits that she worries about Jimmy when he’s in this state. He might be unsteady and agitated with William. What happens if Jimmy happens to crack up when the child is visiting and he hurts the boy? Only, you hear of people with mental problems doing just that, she says.

Lindsey promises her mother that she would never let anything like that happen to William. In fact, Lindsey admits that at times she feels more like Jimmy’s mother than his daughter. But Jackie interprets this as a positive remark, instead of the girl’s cry of frustration, saying that Lindsey has her head on straight, and Jackie could trust her to look out for William’s interests and protection with Jimmy. Lindsey looks even more fed up.

Ray is still phaffing about with the fascia on the bungalow. Jimmy strides up behind the older man and nearly gives him a coronary by shouting ‘RAYMUNDO’ at the top of his voice.

After the initial shock, Ray greets Jimmy and asks him where he’s going. Oh, Jim’s on his way to the supermarket, out in the crisp autumn air and enjoying it. Actually, Ray confides, that’s not such a bad idea. He’d quite fancy such a walk with Jessie, but she’s in such a strange mood lately, he daren’t ask her.

Women are like that, observes the Sage of Brookside Close. Whatever you suggest, they turn their noses up. Now, Jimmy continues, he’s NEARLY divorced, so he knows about these things (go figure). The key to a successful relationship, he confides in Ray, is to keep talking to the little woman. Never take no for an answer. She’d come around in the end. Women, he says, are weird like that. And Jimmy pooters off.

As he’s strolling off the Close, Tim and Plank pull up in Plank’s rattletrap Escort. Tim has just received another text message from Emily. Emily reveals herself to be an ignorant philistine (art imitating life here), who thinks Paris is boring, so she’ll be coming home on Friday. Tim is chuffed.

Jimmy approaches the lads and apologises abruptly to Tim for the incident this morning. He certainly hopes it’s all forgotten with Tim. Tim accepts his apology, and the Sage suddenly decides that both lads look decidedly guilty about something. Warily, he tells them to behave themselves as he leaves.

‘You know me, Jimmy,’ jokes Plank.

Jimmy gives him a puzzled look. ‘Er, no ... I don’t think I do,’ says Jim, vaguely.

Once Jim’s gone, Tim notices that Plank got a real buzz from the car heist. Nicking cars can be a very lucrative business, advises Tim, if you have the right sort of contacts - which he has, incidentally. Not to mention the fact that Plank’s mechanical expertise would come in very handy. Why should Plank worry about earning a few bob in a greasy old garage when he could be minting it in the illegal car trade? Didn’t Plank fancy that.

Plank declines the offer, but the look on his face and his general demeanor indicates that he’s sorely tempted, and Pinocchio takes yet another step on the road as he goes off to see the Wizard of Crime.

Nikki has listened to Rachel’s tale of financial woe with interest, and now she gives her a piece of sensible advice. Mike is her husband. She has a duty to tell him what’s happened as far as the loan is concerned. He has a right to know ... A problem shared is a problem halved and all that. Rachel listens, but Nikki should realise two things: that Rachel has been skillfully schooled in the art of keeping secrets from her husband by the woman who loaned her money to pay off her debts in the first place and then demanded it back when Rachel was in no position to pay it - Anthea. Rachel will find it hard to tell Mike anything, especially when it concerns Mike’s future too. Secondly, Rachel NEVER, but NEVER listens to anyone with any modicum of common sense and understanding, again because of Anthea, but also because RACHEL DOESN’T HAVE A BRAIN!!!!!

The Mersey Mover bus appears in the background, and seeing her framed in the window of the bar, Mike waves from the bus to Rachel and Nikki. Now was her chance to tell him, Nikki urges.

Around the corner, Jessie walks and bumps into - surprise surprise - Ray. She isn’t best pleased, because the sour look of indigestion that dwells on her face these days, literally curdles with disdain. Poor Ray humbly apologises for whatever he did that morning to annoy Jessie (ever known of anyone who apologises for breathing - although after listening to Radio Five and reading The Guardian these days, I feel inclined to do so).

Jessie absently accepts his apology and attempts to push brusquely past him, but Ray stops her with another suggestion. It’s such a nice day, he thought perhaps they could enjoy a walk in the park, and maybe call into a cafe for a pot of tea afterwards, maybe down at the Albert Docks?

Jessie hesitates a moment, and it’s clear that she has absolutely no desire whatsoever to do anything like that. She had in mind more of a rousing pub crawl with Do-A-Little, followed by a snog with Do-A-Little and some Afternoon Delight, also with Do-A-Little. Oh, all right then, she agrees ungraciously, and the couple walk off.

Mike alights from the bus, as Rachel asks him how his induction went. Great, admits Mike, in fact, he starts his on-the-job training with a shift tonight, which means that he’ll be getting extra dosh for unsociable hours.

Rachel looks extremely uncomfortable as she appears to bite the bullet and confesses that she has something to tell Mike. Mike asks her what she wants to say, and again, she hesitates, moving her fat mouth wordlessly. Finally she confesses ... That she doesn’t like his uniform at all. She hopes he isn’t hurt by her admission, she says.

Mike understands. He’s not keen on the meffy uniform either, but it’s a small price to pay if it helps them out of their current financial crisis. Rachel, daughter of Mandy, cringes guiltily.

Lindsey and Jackie are still discussing Jimmy. Lindsey admits that she understands why Jackie became so frustrated with Jimmy the other day that she resorted to name-calling with him. Jimmy could be difficult in his current state, at the best of times; but why on earth did Jackie threaten to bring up his mental health problems in court?

Jackie responds by asking Lindsey why Jimmy even wanted to contest the custody of William? He knew full well that the court would see that the child was better off with his mother. Lindsey replies that Jimmy is distraught at the thought of losing his son. He’s a fighter.

Jackie firmly points out that Jimmy’s sticking pins in dolls, and she’s the doll. Lindsey attempts to reason with her from Jimmy’s point of view. Of course Jimmy’s finding life difficult, she says.

‘He’s gone from being a schoolteacher to a glass collector,’ she explains. (Why does this family insist that Jimmy was even remotely a professional when he fraudulently took the teaching job? He was no teacher and had no ability beyond talking to the kids in their own inadequate language. The exam results of his students reflected his non-ability to get across the subject matter at hand - something of which he obviously understood little, if anything?)

Jimmy wanted to fight for William. But, asks Jackie, what could she do? Well, suggests Lindsey, maybe she could talk to him again. Jimmy was afraid of losing William and also that Jackie would take over the house and turn him out onto the streets. That’s what was needling him. Perhaps if Jackie talked to him, with calm and reason, apologising for things she said the other day and promising not to bring the issue of his mental health up in court, then maybe some sort of compromise could be reached.