Wednesday, 22nd August 2001

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

THE RETURN OF THE BROOKSIDE HAND

DA-DA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Every horror story has to start with a legend. Well, Brookside has its own Brookside Hand. Legend has it that the hand appears, minus a body, of course, to presage the imminent departure of a cast member.

It first appeared, rummaging through a closet, back in early 1995, and resulted in the sudden disappearance of Bazza Grant until late 1997. It next appeared, bloated and dangling over the edge of a prison cot, and - hey presto! - Beth Jordache was dead. The third time it appeared, suddenly youthful, but noticeably limp and lethargic, and Kitty Hilton was consigned to a geriatric ward, suffering from a massive stroke. Tonight it appears again - one can only hope its next appearance comes in a choking position, preferably around Katie’s or Emily’s necks.

Tonight, we had many scenes, all of which were fast-moving and full of dialogue ... About nothing.

The camera pans slowly around the darkened lounge in Mick’s house. The curtains are closed, and there appears to be no sign of life. As the camera pulls back, we see Mick sprawled out, asleep, on the sofa. Suddenly, there’s a loud and persistent rapping at the door ... Sort of like an exaggerated version of the tapping of the raven in the Edgar Allan Poe poem of the same name. Cut to .... YES! The Brookside Hand banging ceaselessly against the Johnson front door. OMIGOD! DOES THIS MEAN THE GRIM REAPER HAS COME FOR MICK?!!!

Naaaaaah. When Mick is finally awakened and stumbles to the door, we see that the hand belongs to none other than Jimmy, come to see if Mick’s O.K. after the previous day’s confessional. As he steps inside the Johnson abode, Jimmy jokingly asks if Mick is in the land of the living, thinking perhaps that Mick was a tad hung over from the whiskey and the emotional events from the previous day.

Suddenly, Jimmy spies a pile of luggage and personal belongings packed and sitting neatly in the middle of the floor. So, Jimmy surmises, Mick’s got his bags packed. Guess he’s really decided to get off, then?

Mick admits that he is, indeed, leaving the Close. In fact, he was up most of the night clearing out the detritus of 12 years’ residence. He didn’t just want to leave; he did want to leave the place in good order. Jimmy asks him where he’s bound. Mick replies that, first of all, he planned to visit Gemma. Then he was headed for ‘the smoke’ to see Leo; after that, it was a new start - who knows where? (Well, it won’t be Brookside, as Louis Emerick has a few acting jobs lined up).

Morning has broken like a new morning at the Farnhams’ too, with Miss D dressed in her bathrobe (please, God, she doesn’t inherit the Jackie Corkhill version after its present occupant, St Anthea the Hypocrite, departs)and ministering to Max’s ailments received the day before at the hands of Mick Johnson.

Jacqui remarks that Max should have at least gone to Casualty, as she dabs what appears to be disinfectant at an area on his neck (unless it’s her foundation, trying to conceal her love bites). Max scoffs at the idea.

Jacqui asks Max if he has a problem with people in uniform, and Max is puzzled. Well, says Jacqui, he could have had Mick Johnson for assault, but Max was extremely reluctant to call the police. She couldn’t understand.

Mick and Jimmy are discussing Mick’s departure as they amble through the Johnson abode. Mick is telling Jimmy that he’s stripped the house of his personal belongings from top to bottom ... Oh yes, he found something that Tim had left behind on top of a wardrobe and points Jimmy in the direction of a green plastic bag. Jimmy looks inside and giggles, saying that he’ll see that Tim gets that. He asks Mick what he planned to do about the house.

Mick says that he’s putting the property on the market. (Well, I wonder if Terry Sullivan knows about that, especially since HE owns Number 5. The question arises as to when exactly Mick bought the house and HOW he obtained a mortgage to do so, especially since he had the bungalow repossessed and is, therefore, on a blacklist. But, hey, this is Brookside, where everyone is beautiful, no one works and no one is ever punished for committing serious crimes).

Mick and Jimmy briefly reminisce about Jenny Swift and her daftness, but still no mention is made of Marianne or Ellis. Jimmy jokes that if Sinbad had stuck around, in another year, rumour had it that Mick would have married Sinbad. The pair share a laugh, and Jimmy insists that all the talk was about that arrangement. Still, Mick ruefully admits, he let Sinbad down badly. But enough of the chatter, Mick wanted an early start.

Yes, jokes Jimmy again, the sooner Mick is started, the sooner the Close is rid of him. Mick suddenly remembers that he has to leave a key to the property with a neighbour, just to keep an eye on the place and to aid any estate agents in viewing the property. (Shouldn’t the key have been left with the estate agent full stop?)Seriously, Mick wants to thank Jimmy. The previous day, Jim had helped him more than he would ever know. Joker Jim quips that the bill for his services is in the post and offers to help Mick with his packing.

Jacqui and Max are still discussing the events of the day before. Jacqui admits that she actually feared Mick was about to kill Max. Max nurses a cup of tea and muses about Mick and Susannah as a couple. Funny, he never thought much about that particular relationship, especially from Susannah’s point of view; but yesterday helped him to see it in a different light, exactly how much Susannah meant to Mick.

Jacqui observes that Mick was quick to cosy up to Yvonne on the rebound, and Max replies that Jacqui teamed up with Robbie on the rebound from Nathan. Jacqui agrees, even going as far to say that some people would think she got together with Max on the rebound from Robbie. Max deflects the question by reminding her that he was still waiting for an answer from her as to whether or not she would get rid of her flat and move in with him.

Mick and Jimmy, meanwhile, are beginning to pack Mick’s car in preparation for his journey. Mick stops long enough to gaze across at Number 7. Jimmy notices and remarks that it seems as though Mick has some good-byes to say. Yes, nods Mick, if they’ll open the door to me. As he walks in the direction of the Farnham house, Jimmy mutters under his breath, ‘That’s a big IF.’

In case anyone has forgotten, it’s the day before the GCSE results are due. Adele Murray hasn’t forgotten. As she opens the Murray sitcom fridge, the Plank enters the kitchen, asking her if she’s nervous about her results. She’s not in the best of moods, because she snaps that she reckons she did all right. Anyway, it’s not as if anyone in the house is even interested in her results. All they were interested in was giving her a bad time about having an abortion, as well as going to Wigan for a night on the tiles. The Plank tries to protest, but she FLOUNCES out of the room. (I reckon she got an A* in the GCSE for Flouncing 101). Once she’s left the kitchen, the Plank surreptitiously places a card addressed to Adele on the Murray sitcom table (made from 100% recycled paper, of course).

Mick rings the Farnham doorbell, and Jacqui answers. Before Jacqui can say anything, Mick hastily promises not to kick off. Jacqui comments that she hope he doesn’t, because yesterday was too much for anyone to take. Mick confesses that he’s only come over to apologise to the couple, and Jacqui moves aside, inviting him to come in.

As he enters the Farnham lounge, Max warily approaches the doorway into the kitchen. Humble and contrite, Mick apologises, admitting that the previous day, he was well out of order. He continues, saying that he lost it big-time and took it out on Jacqui and Max.

Max relaxes a little and assures Mick that there was no harm done. But Jacqui takes another view as she takes her place by Max’s side, arms around him. She reminds Mick that they could have called the police and had him for assault, and Mick agrees. But, Jacqui says, they didn’t want all the hassle that goes with the police.

Anyway, Mick says, he’s leaving The Close - he wanted them to know that, in case they suddenly noticed the house was empty. He was putting it on the market. Max asks Mick where he’s going and what he’ll do. Mick replies that he has no plans at the moment. First of all, though, he was going to visit both his kids. He misses them, and wanted to get back into doing being a dad for a bit. He wishes Max and Jacqui the best of luck with their relationship.

Again, he reiterates that he totally lost it the day before, and turns to go. Suddenly, Max steps forward. He tells Mick that he knows how important it is to get close to your children again - he’s had to do that with Harry and Emma after Susannah’s death. After all, children are the most important thing in a parent’s life. He sincerely hopes everything works out for Mick.

Mick leaves the house, and Max ruefully remarks to Jacqui that the Close won’t be the same without Mick. Jacqui, ever the daughter of Ron, agrees, saying it will be a better place - there would be no more accusations.

Outside, Mick runs into Adele and tells her of his plans to leave. Adele asks him if he’s chosen to leave the area because of what happened between her and Leo. Mick just replies that it’s time for a fresh start for him, and asks Adele how she’s doing.

Adele replies that she’s just carrying on as before; her exam results are out the following day. Mick wishes her luck and tells her that he’s off to see Leo, and Adele sends Leo her regards.

Back at the Farnhams’ Jacqui and Max are enjoying a cuddle. Jacqui remarks that she was touched by the parting speech Max gave to Mick. She had never heard Max talk that way before about what his kids meant to him, and she’s touched. Max assures her that it’s the most natural thing in the world to feel that way about your children. Children, he says, are a walking miracle. Well, says practical Jacqui, she couldn’t ever imaging Ron saying something like that, especially about her. Why, she was a pesky little kid at best.

Jimmy and Mick are just about finished packing Mick’s car and are having a final look around the house to ensure nothing’s been left behind. Jim remarks that he noticed Mick talking to Adele Murray earlier. Mick nods, saying that Adele had been asking about Leo. Jimmy gives a brief but mirthless laugh - he reckons the Murrays are in a right sweat about Leo’s dalliance with Adele. (I can only assume Mick told Jimmy about this situation the previous day - probably when we were being given the ‘WHOOSH’ treatment, because I can’t remember anyone other than the Johnsons and the Murrays knowing about this predicament).

Mick agrees that he is, indeed, in the Murrays’ bad books. Jimmy asks how Adele is, and Mick tells him that she had an abortion. The baby would have been his first grandchild, muses Mick. Anyway, in order to divert Mick from wallowing in the past, Jimmy lightly informs him that he’s finished packing the car. In fact, there’s not a space left. Mick jokes that he hope Jim’s left space enough for him. ‘Just a little one,’says Jimmy. Jimmy goes out, and Mick follows, stopping briefly for a last look around the front room of the house.

Outside, as Mick is preparing to get in the car, Tim joins Mick and Jimmy. Tim is surprised that Mick is leaving and asks when he decided to sell up. Mick says he decided the night before. Tim admits he’s only just found out and is shocked. Mick reminds Jimmy of something Tim had left behind, and Jimmy hands Tim the green plastic bag. Inside there’s a woman’s matching mauve bra and panties. The older men joke with Tim that the clothing is actually his and warn him off trying to say it’s Emily’s. Tim puts the knickers on his head and holds the bra up, whilst prancing and twirling around as Mick and Jimmy laugh.

Inside the Murrays’, Adele finds her card in the kitchen, just as the Plank appears. He’s embarrassed and says that the card was just to wish her luck. Adele is sorry that she had a go at her brother before. She thanks him, revealing that she thought everyone in the house hated her.

Mick is now actually ready to go and sits behind the wheel of the car. Jimmy leans into the window to say good-bye. Mick thanks him again for the previous evening, but Jimmy kindly brushes the thanks aside, saying he’d been there before and knew what Mick had been experiencing. Then Tim leans in to wish Mick good luck. At the same time, he apologises for letting Mick down.

Mick reminds Tim that Tim let himself down. He advises Tim to look after Emily, because he has extra responsibilities now.

Suddenly, Mick remembers that he’s forgotten to turn off the water and the electricity, but Jimmy reminds Mick that he’s got the keys and will take care of that. Once again, Max admonishes Tim to look after Emily.

With that, he drives off, but as he comes to the entrance to the Close, he stops briefly. Then, without warning, he puts the peddle to the metal and tears off into a new future (and a job as a bouncer in Cold Feet). Jimmy and Tim wave good-bye.

Jacqui and Max watch the departure from the Farnham front window. ‘Well, that’s Mick gone,’ says Max. For good, Jacqui hopes. Max is kinder, commenting that perhaps that was what was best for Mick.

Jacqui asks Max what’s best for him. Max remarks that the best thing for him would be if Jacqui were to move in. Jacqui wants to know if Max REALLY wants that and is assured that he does. Nothing would make him happier, in fact. Jacqui then informs him that she’ll move in right away.

Tim and Jimmy have entered Number 5 and are taking care of turning off the lecky and the water, whilst rummaging through the cupboards to see if Mick had left anything behind that he might need. Tim gazes about the empty house, longingly. ‘What a waste of a big house,’ he ruminates aloud.

Jimmy warns him not to even think of squatting. Tim reflects that, if he had parted on better terms with Mick, perhaps he and Emily could have stayed on here to look after the property in Mick’s absence. Jimmy reminds him of the small matter concerning the rent.

‘You couldn’t afford that when you did live here,’ Jim says. ‘You need money for that.’

Money? What’s money? Asks Tim bitterly. Money is what you need to make the world tick, explains Jim, rhetorically. The only problem is, there isn’t enough money to go around.

And why is that? Tim wants to know.

Jimmy then begins an unfunny attempt to try to explain Marxist social theory to Tim, talking about Karl Marx who’d written a book about capitalism. Tim, however, had never heard of Marxism, socialism or even Karl Marx, himself. For all this Marx fella preached about the distribution of wealth, Tim reckoned he, himself, lived in some fancy digs somewhere.

Jimmy shakes his head. Reckon he didn’t, informs Jim. Because Karl Marx is dead. Tim is disappointed. That means he won’t be able to rumble Karl Marx’s house.

Jimmy is shocked. He reminds Tim of Mick’s last lecture to him about his responsibilities, now that he was married. Tim had to try to steer clear of trouble - none of this going on the rob. Get a job.

Tim scoffs. He had rung up about two jobs already that morning. As soon as the people heard he had been inside, there was no chance whatsoever. Jimmy tells Tim that he has one conviction. OK, it’s hard to find a job with one conviction. But if he went back on the crime, he’d surely get caught and sent down again. Then he would have TWO convictions. Crime, says Jim, is a treadmill - and it’s difficult to get off it. If Tim thought it was hard now, he should think how hard it would be to find work with anymore convictions.

Jacqui is doing a tidy-up for Max, of which he approves. Well, she says, it’s good for the kids to live in a tidy environment. It’s like bringing them up with standards. Now Max is touched, as he watches her tidy up the kids’ toys in the lounge. He muses how lucky he is to be given the chance to love again after Susannah’s death. He tells Jacqui he loves her. Jacqui picks up a dirty teddy bear and asks Max if he loves her enough to wash the crusty biscuit off the teddy.

A gleam comes into Max’s eye and he says he has a better way to show Jacqui how much he loves her. And he begins to undo her top, as she works on her bottoms. A bit of Afternoon Delight is on the cards.

Jimmy and Tim are just about to leave Number 5. Jimmy dangles the keys, telling Tim he’ll have to keep a check on the house for awhile. Again, he reminds Tim not to get any ideas. Tim remarks that it’s such a waste for the house to stand empty like this and gazes around with a lost look in his eyes.

Jimmy chivvies him up, but Tim says he’s gazing into the future. One day, he reckons, he and Emily will have a house like this, with two flash cars out front and a big bank account. Jimmy eyes him suspiciously.

Satiated by Afternoon Delight, Max and Jacqui lie in each others arms on the Farnham sofa. Max seems anxious for Jacqui to know something. Jacqui is curious. Max asks her if she believes he’s changed from the person he was before. He has to be sure Jacqui believes this. He ruminates about the times he’d previously promised and tried to convince Susannah and Patricia that he’d changed, but he always resorted back to his old ways.

Now, however, he feels the change that’s come over him is a definite one. Jacqui smiles and refers to him as the ‘New Model Max’. Well, Max confesses, he can’t really do anything about changing his past. Jacqui gazes at him and wonders why he’s suddenly on a big insecurity trip. Max admits that he finds it hard to believe his luck in finding love with Jacqui. In fact, he says hesitatingly, he has something to ask Jacqui, but for some reason, he can’t bring himself to utter the words.

Back at the Murray sitcom house, the Plank and Adele are attempting a sibling heart-to-heart talk. The Plank admits that Adele has certainly grown up a lot this summer, and Adele explains that circumstances forced her to. She wasn’t callous, she says. She knows just how desperate Diane is to have a baby of her own, but she honestly felt that an abortion was the right course of action for her to have taken. She just wasn’t mature enough to cope with a baby, and she honestly wished someone would try to see things from her point of view.

The Plank asks her what she felt after the event, and for the first time Adele opens up and talks about the abortion. She says her first feeling was relief at the fact that she wasn’t pregnant anymore. Then shortly after that, she felt immense guilt, at having denied her baby the right to a life. That feeling still comes over her from time to time (and it isn’t helped by Diane or the Antichrist).

The Plank comments that it can’t have been very helpful for her state of mind to have various family members going on about her choice all the time. Adele asks the Plank if he thinks she did the right thing in having an abortion. The Plank says he thought she was right to do that. Then Adele asks if the Plank thinks Diane will ever forgive her.

Probably, Plank replies, perhaps when Adele had finished university and got her degree. By then, Diane would have forgiven her - when she saw that Adele was a success and had a good-paying job. He reckoned their stepmother would be proud of her. Adele is encouraged that someone in her family believes she had a chance of success. (I wouldn’t get too excited, Adele, this is the Plank, after all).

Max and Jacqui are enjoying the afternoon sitting on a bench in the Farnham garden. Jacqui is musing over their relationship, past and present. It wasn’t that long ago, she recalls, when she was nothing more than the little girl next door to Max. In fact, she remembers Max referring to the Dixons as the ‘Scally Clampetts’.

Max laughs, and Jacqui tells him that Ron used to refer to him and Patricia as ‘Lord and Lady Farnham’. Max laughs and reckons that Ron’s calling him a lot worse now. How Ron and Max hated each other, recalls Jacqui. Well, Max admits, they had their moments.

Max begins to tell Jacqui what he really loves about her. He loves her strength of character, the way she takes every day and everything as it comes, always positive, always looking forward.

Jacqui is embarrassed and tells Max that he makes her sound like a self-help guru. In fact, Max refers to himself as a bionic man that Jacqui helped to rebuild from a shattered wreck. Max explains that he really needs Jacqui to trust him and to believe that he’s a changed person.

Jimmy is intent on lecturing Tim about avoiding the pitfalls of a life of crime.

He reminds Tim of the last piece of advice Mick gave the lad - look after Emily. Tim dismisses this, reckoning that Mick was having a laugh, but Jimmy knows that Mick was dead serious. Jim explains that Mick was passing onto Tim something that Mick had learned in his life. Look at the way Mick ended up, Jim says. All on his own in this big house. His kids gone, Yvonne gone, Jerome gone, even Tim and Emily had left him. All alone with his fancy telly. As a matter of fact, Mick was so gutted at being on his tod, that he was forced to leave a place he’d called home for 12 years and look for pastures new. He was hoping to start again someplace else, maybe with someone new.

So you see, Jimmy the Wise concludes, flash cars and big houses don’t matter a twig. What’s important is that, at the end of the day, you have the love of your life there with you. Now, the last thing the love of Tim’s life would want is to see Tim behind bars again, and all because he wanted something like a bigger telly.

Max’s waffling has baffled Jacqui. She wants to know what exactly Max wants. Max’s needs are simple. He wants Jacqui. But Jacqui must believe and trust that Max has changed for the better. Max wants Jacqui to trust him and to know that Max will always be there for her, no matter what might happen. And he needs to know that she’ll always be there for him.

He stops waffling and comes to the point. He doesn’t want to just continue seeing Jacqui socially. He doesn’t even want them to just live together. He asks Jacqui if she’ll marry him.