Wednesday, 15th August 2001

Incongruous Couplings

Plenty of the above on tonight’s Brookside. Whilst everyone’s having a go at poor Jacqui and Max, trying to spoil their happiness, take a look around ... Another LUUURVE triangle is brewing at the bungalow. That Paul Marquess! He IS a card. He’s leaving us with a parting shot of a love triangle involving a sixty year-old grandmother, her 21 year-old granddaughter and a thirty-something doctor who doesn’t know whether he’s Irish, Yorkshireman or Scouser. (Maybe he’s schizophrenic ... Ooooo-hoooooo!) Not to mention the fact that Nisha must be planning on auditioning for Changing Rooms, as she seems to have developed a penchant for DIY, with her latest new wood fetish.

Jacqui and Max are sitting in the lounge at Number 7 the next morning. Jacqui is visibly upset, reflecting on the turn of events of the day before, which culminated in Mick Johnson accusing her of murdering Susannah. It was bad enough Ron threatening Max and wanting nothing to do with Jacqui, she remonstrates. The very last thing she needed was Mick Johnson kicking off like that.

Max tries to soothe her, saying Mick had no idea what he was saying. That’s still no excuse to say such things, declares Jacqui. She’s of a good mind to pop round there right now and put him straight. Max is uneasy about this, discouraging her from doing so. The whole thing really isn’t so serious to merit that, he says. Well, yes it is, answers Jacqui. He accused her of bloomin’ murder. That sounds pretty serious. He has to know that he can’t just go around bad-mouthing people like that and get away with it. Max still doesn’t want her to go to Mick’s. It’s just a storm in a teacup, he reckons. Most likely, Mick’s forgotten all about it, and so should she.

But Jacqui isn’t one to be dissuaded, and rising, she leaves the room to confront Mick.

Jessie Hilton knocks softly on a bedroom door, asking politely if the occupant is awake yet. From within Do-A-Little answers drowsily that he is. Jessie enters, placing a hot cup of tea and a plate of bacon sarnies on his bedside table. She also informs him that there’s plenty of hot water, should he want a shower. Do-A-Little thanks her, and she continues to stand at the foot of his bed, smiling fondly and gazing at him. Do-A-Little reminds her that he wants to get up, but doesn’t sleep in pyjamas. Jessie takes the hint and leaves the room.

Jacqui faces Mick on his doorstep. She raises her voice and begins by saying that Mick reckons it’s OK to go around the neighbourhood saying what he likes about her. Across the Close, at Hotel Corkhill, Jimmy and Tim, standing on the doorstep, notice the altercation and glance quizzically at one another. Jacqui informs Mick that there’s a name for what he’s doing to her. It’s called slander, and there are laws against slander.

Mick smugly informs her that there are laws against topping people too. Just at that moment, Jimmy appears, and Jacqui leaves, disgusted with Mick. After she departs, he asks Mick what that fracas was all about. Mick is still smug, saying that he was onto Jacqui’s game and she’s rattled. Jimmy doesn’t understand, and Mick explains that he reckons that Jacqui killed Susannah. Jimmy points out that Susannah’s death was an accident. Mick cockily says that everyone reckons that, even the bizzies; and that’s what Jacqui wants everyone to believe.

Jimmy is appalled at the thought. He tells Mick that he’s known Jacqui Dixon since she was a little girl. There is no way that girl could be a murderer.

The Murray sitcom has begun a new season. Diane is playing the good housewife and mother and stands ironing the family’s clothes, whilst Marty peruses the paper. Adele wants to know if she can go to Michelle’s that evening. Marty tells her that she can go over to Michelle’s, provided she’s back by ten. Adele objects. She wants to stay later. In fact, she points out , all her friends stay out later. At first Marty responds by saying that she can stay until 10:30, and Diane, allows her an extra half-hour still, saying she should be home by 11PM.

Adele immediately starts bartering for 11:30 and accuses her parents of treating her like a kid (which they do, to a great degree, thus accounting for her naivete). She points out that she’s only going to Michelle’s, and kids two years younger than she are allowed to stay out much later.

Diane finishes the argument by telling her she’d already acquired an extra hour’s liberty, and she should be grateful for that. Adele asks the whereabouts of her red top, but Diane says the garment is in the wash, which dissatisfies the girl, because she had plans to wear it that evening.

At that moment, the wooden edition of Mike Dixon, otherwise known as The Plank, enters carrying a crumpled article of clothing in his hand. In true Mike form, he wishes to take advantage of the fact that his stepmother is doing the ironing, to ask if she would iron his shirt for this evening.

Marty remembers, to the dismay of The Plank, that tonight is the occasion of The Plank’s date with the Naughty Nurse. In fact, Marty jokes, he’s heard that the NHS was making itself more accessible these days, but he thought Nisha was taking accessablity a bit too far. Diane makes clucking mother hen noises of disapproval. She isn’t so sure their Plank should even be seen with a girl like Nisha Batra. Didn’t she pinch Nikki Shadwick’s fella? Marty’s actively encouraging the Plank in his pursuit, but Diane, like the true hypocrite she is, is concerned about the type of person Nisha is.

Jacqui D, meanwhile, has decided to pay a social call on her pa. She finds him at home with Mike, who opens the door. Jacqui tells her brother she wants a quick word with Ron. Upon seeing her, Ron sulkily remarks that if Jacqui’s expected him to have changed his mind about her association with Max Farnham, she’s wasting her time.

‘Oh,’ says Jacqui, ‘that’s my choice, is it? I either stop seeing Max, or you stop talking to me? That’s emotional blackmail, that is.’ (Well, Ron lives with Anthea, who’s a close associate of Katie, the mistress of emotional blackmail. I call it osmosis).

Jacqui tries to reassure Ron that she and Max were not to be taken lightly as a couple. In fact, Jacqui asserts that she’s made the right choice in Max. ‘The right choice?’ Scoffs Ron. ‘Not two minutes ago, Nathan was the right choice.’

Jacqui accuses Ron of making her sound desperate, but Ron insists that Jacqui’s view of Max is being coloured by the bond he and Jacqui share in Harry. Ron points out to Jacqui his view: Max is no Michael Douglas, and sooner or later, Jacqui would end up being another one of a long line of women that got dumped when Maxie got bored with them. (PLEASE! SOMEBODY TELL ME WHO THESE WOMEN ARE! I WANT TO KNOW!)

Jacqui maintains that her relationship with Max isn’t like that at all. ‘Relationship!’ Exclaims Ron. ‘Is that what you call it?’ No, sorry, Ron continues, as long as Jacqui continues to see Max Farnham, she’s on her own.

At the Hiltons’, Ray’s on his knees. He’s desperately rummaging through the fridge in search of the bacon, which appears to be missing. He looks up as Jessie passes by, asking her what became of the bacon. He’s hungry and fancied cooking a bit. Oh, Jessie remarks flippantly, she’d cooked it all for Do-A-Little. The poor lad was on call all night long and hadn’t been long in bed, so she made him a couple of rounds of bacon sarnies and served them up to him this morning.

Ray’s more than a little put out. He points out that Jessie’s already running around after this lodger like a headless chicken, doing this and that for him. She doesn’t want to build his expectations up; after all, he only pays £30 a week.

At that very moment, Do-A-Little appears, fully dressed, but looking like a dishevelled slacker from the Generation X period. Ray comments on his late awakening and asks if he’s bound for work today. But Do-A-Little confirms that it’s his day off ... All work and no play, as they say.

Anyway, Ray reminds Jessie, he’s off to town. Jessie is surprised. Ray hadn’t mentioned going into town before. Ray maintains that he did mention it. He’s off to see Kitty’s solicitor, something about her nest egg. Jessie apologises, reckoning that she forgot; but Ray remarks that maybe her forgetfulness has something to do with all this running around she’s been doing.

As Jacqui leaves the Dixons’, she runs into Jimmy in The Close. Jimmy greets her, asking how Ron’s holding up. Jacqui says her dad is fine, and Jimmy asks if he’s got a date for trial yet. Jacqui replies negatively. What about the police? Have they wanted to speak to Ron anymore? Jacqui says they haven’t seen the police of late, but asks Jimmy why he’s taking such an interest. Just concerned, remarks Jim. Anyway, it’s better he be concerned than have Mick Johnno on her case.

After her departure, Mike upbraids Ron for his treatment of Jacqui. The trouble with Ron and Jacqui, he says, it that they both want to have the last word in an argument. Ron is concerned that Jacqui is making a fool of herself; but Mike says that the more one tried to point out her mistakes to Jacqui, the more she dug in to have her own way.

Mike admits that he’s not best pleased with Jacqui’s liaison with Max; but he suggests that Ron should give Jacqui a bit more rein, not nag and threaten her about Max. Then maybe Jacqui would come to her senses in her own time; but Ron won’t be convinced. There’s simply no way he’s tolerating Jacqui’s romantic interest in Max Farnham.

Jacqui’s returned to the Farnham’s, even more upset after the events of the day. She’s had no success with Mick, she tells Max. Mick is going around telling people all sorts about her killing Susannah. Why, he’s even told Jimmy Corkhill. Max is uneasy, but interested. What did Jimmy say to the allegations? He wants to know. Oh, Jimmy thought it was a hoot, says Jacqui. Well then, confirms Max, that’s proof that no one takes what Mick is saying seriously.

That’s not the point, says Jacqui. She doesn’t want him going to all and sundry blackening her name. What if he went to the police with his silly theories?

Max tries to calm her down, saying that Mick is delusional, and that the police wouldn’t take his allegations seriously. But Jacqui knows better. After all, she says, why do you think they’re called ‘the bizzies’? There’s nothing else to do. She and Max will have to go talk to Mick in an effort to get him to withdraw his allegations against her.

Jimmy and Tim have made a social call to see Ron. Jimmy begins by asking if Ron’s seen his solicitor yet. Ron says he hasn’t, but looking at Tim, he reiterates that he’s going to have to give the solicitor the name of the person who provided him with the gun.

Jimmy asks if they can sit down and does so. Jimmy has a plan. He’s come up with a way in which Ron can gain brownie points with the Court, and keep Tim out of prison at the same time. Ron and Mike exchange anxious looks. They want Jimmy to continue.

Simple, Jim explains. Just give the police another name.

Ron thinks Jimmy is crazy, but Jimmy explains that Tim got the gun from a lad named Sotto. Instead of giving the police Tim’s name, Ron should point the finger at Sotto. Ron is confused. The police would never buy that story. Anyway, he didn’t even know this lad. Why should he want to drop this Sotto in it?

Because he’s bad and he’s violent, says Jimmy, succinctly.Ron should lay the blame on him. That way, the police would overlook the fact that Ron neglected to mention that Tim was just a minor link in the chain. It’s Sotto the police would want.

Ron is dubious. The police would never believe a tale like that. No. He couldn’t risk it, and that’s his last word.

Jessie is enjoying some quality time with her lodger. She sits down and attempts to make conversation with him. So, she begins, he took his degree at the University of Liverpool. Do-A-Little remarks wryly that it sounds as if Jessie is writing his biography. Jess believes it’s important to get to know the people living in her house. Is he single? She asks.

Yes, Do-A-Little admits, he is; but he’s not long ended a relationship.

Just like Nikki, comments Jessie. She’s recently finished with her young man too.

Do-A-Little remarks that he thinks Nikki is a very nice girl.

‘Oh, yes,’ coos Jessie. ‘She’s a very nice girl, indeed. But she’s not the girl for you.’

Jessie then asks if the broken relationship were a serious one; but Do-A-Little asserts that it wasn’t. He wasn’t the lasting relationship type. Jessie agrees with him that it wasn’t good to indulge in a serious relationship at such a young age. (Jessie should take heed of this w*nker’s words. I neither like nor trust him).

Ron is still refusing to name Sotto. Tim begins to beg profusely. An arms charge would be the end of him. He’s only been married five minutes. It would be the end of him and Emily. They wanted to start a family, have a few kids.

Ron is sympathetic, but, he maintains, how could he make this story believeable? He hadn’t even clapped eyes on this Sotto.

But he has, Tim maintains. Sotto was there at the party the night Clint was shot. Surely Ron must remember him - the lardy one with curly hair. Ron says he was too busy cowering with Anthea upstairs, just waiting for those scallies to kick the door in.

Tim points out that Sotto was the ringleader of that group of scallies, and suddenly Ron remembers him vividly. Jimmy points out that Ron had been on remand. He must know what prison can do to people. Tim wasn’t a hardened scally, yet this Sotto was. Sotto terrified Ron; it was no wonder he reacted the way he did when he heard a break-in that resulted in him shooting Clint.

Ron’s convinced. Encouraged by Jimmy, he admits that if it wasn’t for Sotto, then he would never have been forced to use the gun. Ron agrees to name Sotto, but Mike isn’t too sure about this plan. Ron is determined that Sotto is going to pay for this family’s torment.

Ray has returned from the solicitor’s with bad news. Apart from £2000, Kitty was penniless. Jessie is amazed. She thought that Kitty was supposed to have all this money. Ray reckons she must have frittered it away. Now he’s worried. This means that Kitty will have no funds with which to pay for her nursing home and private health care.

Jessie tries to cheer him up by telling him to look on the bright side. This means the NHS will have to pay for Kitty’s care. At least Ray can say that she got benefit for her money that she saved whilst she was alive and well.

It’s evening at the Murray sitcom. The Plank, dressed in a trendy stripey shirt, is about to go out. Marty jokes, asking him if he’s sure Nisha will want to be seen with someone who’s camoulflaged as a deck chair. The Plank reiterates that he’s just going for a drink. Ah, but with an older woman, says Marty, who hands him a pound and tells him to have a good time and a top night.

As the Plank leaves, the Murrays revert to sickening type. Marty moves adeptly to the sofa to sit beside a smirking Diane. They cuddle and smirk some more.

Marty reminds his wife that with the Plank and Adele ‘off out’ and Antony at Brigid’s, they have the house all to themselves. Diane giggles in that annoyingly smug manner of hers and remarks: ‘You don’t miss a trick, do you?’

Marty merely has a suggestion: That they try conception the natural way for once, and the two collapse onto each other’s arms, giggling ridiculously.

Adele, meanwhile, dressed to the nines in a strapless number, sneaks down the stairs, calling out that she’s leaving.

The overage adolescents that purport to be her parents, call out that she’s due back at eleven.

The Plank is propped against the bar, waiting for Nisha, who appears to be late. Suddenly she enters, wearing that tatty denim jacket that’s so annoying. She apologises for her tardiness, saying that Katie had a last minute crisis and she had to deal with it. (Translation: Katie had a fit of piquish jealousy at the fact that yet another of her flat-mates has this innate ability to attract men and was going on a date. Nisha is just beginning to know the sad act that is Katie Rogers. The difference between Nisha and Jacqui, however, is that Nisha is far to selfish and self-oriented to tolerate Katie for too long. She’s wearing thin at the moment).

Out of politeness, the Plank asks after Katie. Nisha replies briefly that she’s up and down and changes the subject. (Could Katie be beginning to bore Nisha?) Still, the Plank admits, it must be hard losing someone you loved. Nisha is curious. Wasn’t the Plank engaged to Trona? Yes, he admits, but Trona was keener on being engaged than he was. That sort of thing just wasn’t for him. He was, he confesses, a true free spirit. (HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA .... Sorry). Then he ASKS Nisha to change the subject. After all, he didn’t come here to dissect his relationship with Trona. He wants to order the drinks and asks Nisha what she’s having. She says she’ll have what he has and he orders two pints. SURPRISE SURPRISE! Quiet Paul, behind the bar, utters TWO MORE WORDS!

As the pair take their drinks and make their way to a table, Nisha asks what’s on the agenda for tonight. Plank says he thought that they could start off there and then go into town to a few clubs. Nisha is a bit worried. Is the Plank sure he can afford this? After all, wasn’t he jobless at the moment. Well, Plank admits, bashfully, they might have to split the cab fee.

Nisha is understanding; but out of curiousity, she asks what really happened to the Plank’s job? He shrugs. There was no point staying in a job where he wasn’t happy. He got the job basically because he was going out with the boss’s daughter. It wasn’t his sort of job anyway; he wasn’t willing to compromise his principles. Nisha flirtatiously reminds him that life is a compromise. So, she ventures, he’s now fancy free and ready to break some hearts.

Max and Jacqui call on Mick. Mick raises his eyebrows in mock surprise when the two arrive, wondering if Max has come to offer him his job back. Max comes straight to the point. Mick has got to stop spreading these allegations about Jacqui being responsible for Susannah’s death. Mick points out, yet again, that Jacqui had everything to gain from Susannah’s death.

The Murray sitcom is in full swing, with Di and Marty enjoying a sickening snog on the sofa. That Di can snog for England when she gets her way! Just then, the phone rings and Marty answers it. It’s Adele, who appears to be in a nightclub. She explains that she’s in a nightclub in Wigan and that there have been some problems with the trains.

Marty is amazed. He thought she was at Michelle’s. No, she admits, they’d gone clubbing. Now there were some train problems, and she didn’t have the money for a taxi. The taxi driver was unwilling to take her back to Liverpool without the fare. Could Marty talk to him and say that he’d pay the fare when she arrived?

Marty turns and explains the situation to Diane, who’s livid. What should he do? He wonders. He didn’t have the cash to pay for a cab fare from Wigan to Liverpool. He doubted they had that much cash between them in the house. Diane grabs the phone to have a word with Adele, whilst trying to converse with Marty at the same time. She tells Adele to remain on the line while she discusses the situation with Marty.

Well, Diane reckons shortly, someone will just have to go and collect her. But who? Marty wants to know. He doesn’t have a car. There’s only one person with a car now, reminds Diane, and that’s the Plank. Oh, yeah, says Marty, and Plank will be absolutely made up to postpone his date in order to pick up Adele. All this is taking place whilst Diane holds her hand over the receiver. Marty can’t understand why Adele’s ended up in Wigan. Was she stupid? What was she thinking of, lying to them like that? Diane’s true colours can’t be hidden, no matter how much bleach she puts on her hair. Lying has become Adele’s specialty of late, she says spitefully; but they agree that they will have to ask the Plank to ferry her home.

Jacqui and Max are still verbally tussling with Mick, who refuses to renege his allegations. Jacqui is tearful and demands that he stop all this speculation about her having a hand in Susannah’s death. Susannah’s death was an accident, not murder, she says. Mick is in rant mode. Of course, it wasn’t a MURDER, he exclaims, not in the sense of the MURDER across the way, where Jacqui’s old man was caught standing over a body with a smoking gun. Jacqui made sure she made Susannah’s death LOOK like an accident. Mick has his reasons to believe that.

Look at the way Jacqui reacted after Susannah’ s death. She was as cool as anything. No grief, whatsoever.

Max intervenes. This whole allegation is silly. Why? Asks Mick. Jacqui had everything to gain from Susannah being out of the way ... Harry, for one. Max is dismissive of that theory. If Jacqui had been so determined to regain custody of Harry, he reasons, she would have gone through the courts. Ha! Scoffs Mick. That would have taken too long. Jacqui protests. She admits that, at the time of Susannah’s death, they weren’t getting along; but she never wanted her dead.

It all makes sense, Mick rants. Jacqui’s just a scheming, little bitch; and Max couldn’t see it. Whilst Max was grieving over Susannah, Jacqui wormed her way into his life, for Harry’s sake.

Nisha and the Plank are still in the bar, musing over their older woman-younger man scenario. Nisha admits that the Plank isn’t like most lads his age. You can’t have a decent conversation with most of them, she says. They mostly want to talk about footie. (I thought Nisha’s expectations were higher. Plank a conversationalist? Maybe she really is a slag. Any old port in a storm, eh?)

The Plank is trying to present himself as a sensitive soul, or rather the producers are trying to get us, the viewers, to recognise that he is. He admits that sometimes he just can’t relate to people his own age, who seem immature to him. (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA ... Sorry). Does that mean he passes the test in Nisha’s eyes? Nisha flirts and says she’s not ready to answer that one (meaning she’s never bonked a piece of wood before, but she’s a goer for anything ... Nudge nudge wink wink).

As they are preparing to leave, the Plank’s mobile phone sounds. He takes the call, from Marty, informing him about Adele’s predicament. He rings off and informs Nisha that the clubbing foray is off. He’s been asked to drive to Wigan to pick up his little sister, who’s stranded there. He apologises for ruining Nisha’s night. Nisha rises impatiently. He hasn’t ruined her night at all, implying that she doesn’t need the Plank. Plank is astonished. She’s still going clubbing on her own. The Plank attempts to secure another date with her, but she’s less than eager, leaving him with a disinterested ‘Whatever.’

Jacqui, Mick and Max are still arguing. Jacqui is in tears now, from Mick’s repeated allegations. She cries finally that she didn’t kill Susannah. What did it take to make Mick believe that? Mick laughs maliciously, pointing her behaviour out to Max. Look at the show she was making of herself, he cries. She can’t take it, because he was hitting close to the truth. Max shouts at Mick to stop his baiting, as it was upsetting Jacqui. Max informs Mick that Jacqui was not and could not be responsible for Susannah’s death. In fact, he was absolutely certain that she wasn’t, so Mick was to stop his accusations forthwith.

Mick peers suspiciously at Max. Well, he surmises, there’s only one way a person can be so certain about something like that ... And that’s if they were guilty of the act, themselves. Mick is left eyeing Max with suspicion, as Max looks increasingly uncomfortable.