‘Going to the Chapel
‘We were gonna get married
‘Going to the Chapel
‘We were gonna get maaaarried
‘Gee I really love you
‘We were gonna get married
‘Going to the Chapel of Rest’
(Sung by Katie Rogers to the unseen corpse of Clint the Flint Moffatt)
There’s an open suitcase filled with clothes, someone’s hand tosses what appears to be the clothes of small children into the case. Is it the fabled ‘Brookside hand’ which makes an appearance to explain which cast member has been sacked? No. As the camera pans away, we see it’s the hand of the divine Miss D, Jacqui Dixon, who’s packing the Farnham family suitcase.
Max appears and tells her that she needn’t do that, but Jacqui insists, saying that everyone knows all men are useless at packing. (Being just about to leave on our hols, I can attest to that!) Max apologises, yet again, for swanning off on holiday with Lisa Morrissey. He feels awful about going and wishes there were some way of getting out of it. Jacqui tells him that if this holiday was going to mean getting along better with sly-eyed Lisa, then she was all for it.
Max repeats his wish for the couple to go public with their relationship, but Jacqui isn’t sure how other people, notably Lisa, would take their news. Still, Max would only be gone a couple of weeks, and Jacqui would be patient and wait for his return.
Over at the Murrays’, Di and Marty are wondering whether the Plank is going to be on speaking terms with them this morning. Marty is still annoyed about the high-handed treatment their oldest son meted out the night before, but Diane tells him that there was no way Marty could mention what happened between her and Geoff. Marty remarks that they’d got through all that business with Adele, now they have to deal with the Plank getting on his high horse, as well as Antony walking around as though he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders.
The post has just gone and Diane’s received a letter from the private hospital the Murrays have been attending for their IVF treatment. Marty wants to know what the letter says, and Diane tells him it lists the options with which they can proceed now that the initial attempt has failed. Marty rashly (I think) suggests that they give it another go, but Diane (surprisingly) isn’t so sure. Then Marty suddenly realises that the hardest part about ‘giving it another go’ is going to be finding another couple of grand.
At that moment, the lazy Plank appears. He’s carrying a pair of trainers and is shirtless again. It looks as though the lazy get has plonked his amazingly casual dress shoes where he discarded them the night before in the lounge, as he moves them onto the coffee table in order to enable him to put on his trainers. Diane enquires as to why he doesn’t appear to be going to work. Plank prissily remarks that GEOFF has given him the day off, as a reward for doing such a great job in organising the official launch of the new showroom. But then, says Plank, GEOFF is like that. GEOFF believes in rewarding people when they are due a reward. As a matter of fact, GEOFF and Trona are dropping by at eleven to pick him up. They are going to the docks to see GEOFF’S new boat. GEOFF might even let the Plank drive it. (Is the boat named ‘Titanic’ by any chance?) So much, he says, for Geoff the Meff.
Marty takes all this Geoff-taunting in silence.
The day has begun in the Johnson abode as well. There’s just been a floral delivery and Vonnie walks in wonder from the front door, carrying a huge bouquet of lovely yellow flowers. She’s reading the card, which begins: ‘To the woman who’s made me the happiest man in the world ...’ She smiles as she pulls the rest of the card out of the envelope. It finishes: ‘Can’t wait to make you my wife.’
As she reads the last line, her smile evaporates. Mick bounces down the stairs and comments on the flowers and Vonnie’s ‘secret admirer’. Vonnie laughs at the joke, thanks him and tells him that she’s got toast waiting for him on the table. Mick’s famished, but he notes that he heard Tim and Emily sneaking out of the house very early this morning. He reckons that they were avoiding him, owing him money for the rent and not having it.
From the kitchen, Vonnie tells him not to be too hard on them. Emily had the money, but her purse was stolen. They were good kids, really; but Mick doesn’t want to be too soft on them. Unable to resist, Mick brings up the subject of their own wedding. He could go down to the register office today and see what the earliest date was that they could give him. Vonnie makes a protest from the kitchen, telling him there’s no need to rush. There was so much to organise etc.
This protest gives Mick a brilliant idea. If she were so worried about the hassle and wanted to avoid it, they could just go on holiday and get married abroad. How did she fancy getting married on a Carribbean beach? He’d pop into the travel agents today and get some brochures. Vonnie is less than pleased at this prospect.
Crikey, this is unbelieveable! Diane Murray is going to work for the second day in a row! AND it’s the morning. She’s walking along the Parade with Katie Rogers, although why Katie needs to walk along the Parade, when she lives over her job now. Katie is telling Diane that she might have to cancel her three o’clock appointment (although I would have thought Katie’s appointment would have been earlier, as you can fry an egg in her hair). She was making a pilgrimage to the Chapel of Rest to see the corpse of the Sainted Clint the Flint. Diane suddenly realises that in all her own troubles concerning infertility and abortion, she’d neglected to ask after Katie in her hour of need, which isn’t surprising, as Diane Murray hasn’t had more than two words to say to Katie Rogers in more than a year.
Back on the Close, it’s garbage collection day; and Mick Johnson and Max Farnham are rolling their wheelie bins out for the refuse men. Mick has just announced to Max that he and Vonnie are getting married, and Max is issuing congratulations. Mick reflects that, after Susannah’s death, he never thought that he’d meet anyone he’d love as much again. But Vonnie had proven him wrong. She’d done so much for him, it was unbelieveable. Max congratulates him again, and Mick hopes that one day Max might meet the right woman. Max mysteriously remarks that one never knows.
Rachel Dixon is stomping down the Dixon drive and out of the Close, pursued by Mike. Rachel, bad liar that she is, has told Mike that she’s going off to spend the day visiting Sinbad. Mike finds it odd that Rachel has chosen not to take Beth, who is Sinbad’s godchild and quasi-grandchild. In fact, it’s been months since Sinbad’s seen the child. Rachel’s lips move and she lies again, saying that she had planned to go shopping downtown after the visit - which is further evidence of how dim mentally that she is. Mike asks how she can hope to go shopping when they’ve no spare cash, but Rachel hastily says that she’s going window shopping. Mike points out that that will only arse her up and make her miserable, seeing everything that they can’t afford.
Rachel loses her temper then, obviously afraid that her lies are about to be exposed, and tells him that she wants some time to herself, a day off from working and caring for her child. Such a devoted mother, is our Rachel. Mike remarks that she needn’t have taken his head off for his concern, and she apologises.
At that moment, the flash car belonging to Geoff Evans pulls up outside the Murrays. The Two-Watt Bulb sits inside, and Geoff is wearing ridiculous sunglasses. They are early, acknowledges Trona, does Geoff want to come inside with her while she waits for the Plank? Geoff refuses, saying he’d rather wait in the car. Trona can’t understand her father’s attitude. He was all for this excursion to see the boat with the Plank, but now he was reticent even to enter the Plank’s abode. Geoff tells her to hurry up and get the Plank.
The Plank, himself, has spied them, noting that they are early. He opens the door to Trona, telling her he has to brush his teeth. Trona speaks to a solemn-looking Marty, who greets her briefly. The Plank asks where Geoff is and Trona tells him he preferred to wait for them in the car. She reckons he doesn’t like to leave such an expensive piece of machinery unattended in such a neighbourhood.
Marty looks out the window and spies Geoff looking for something in the boot of his car. Marty goes outside and confronts the man. ‘You’ve got a nerve,’ he begins, ‘showing your face around here.’
Geoff greets Marty nervously, but Marty abruptly pounces on him, pinning him against the boot of the car. Marty demands to know why he thought to make a pass on Diane the other evening. At first, Geoff strenuously protests that he doesn’t know what Marty’s talking about, but Marty persists in his accusations. Finally, Geoff tries to say that Diane misread his intentions, but this infuriates Marty even more. Geoff tries to say that Diane was looking for some comfort and finishes by saying, ‘Maybe if you were a better husband, she wouldn’t come seeking her comfort elsewhere!’
Of course, this leads to another Murray street brawl, with the two men tussling to such a point that they fall against one of the wheelie bins and into a pile of rubbish. Mike Dixon notices and hobbles from the Dixon house on his crutches, shouting for them to stop; but they pay him no notice. Inside, Trona and the Plank DO notice and hurry outside to prise apart their respective fathers. Naturally, the offspring want to know what the rucus was all about.
Marty begins by telling the tale of Geoff making a pass at Diane, but Geoff strenuously denies this. Trona backs him, by saying Geoff would never do something like that. Geoff says that Diane had too much to drink that night; after the Plank and Trona left, she had lots more wine. She commenced telling him about all the Murrays’ recent problems - their IVF quest and Adele’s abortion (the latter bringing a wide-eyed reaction from Trona) - he was listening to her laments and sought to comfort her, but she misread his actions and went beserk.
Marty refuses to believe this, but he’s dismissed peremptorily by the Plank and told to go to work. When he leaves, Geoff decides they’d better go to the docks to see the boat. But before he goes, he asks the Plank if he believes what he’s told him ... Because if he hasn’t, then there’s no point in the Plank working for him anymore. People in business had to trust each other indubitably. Faced with this sort of ultimatum, the Plank admits that he believes Geoff’s version of events.
Over at the Farnhams’, Jacqui is struggling to zip the suitcase, when the doorbell rings and Lisa enters. Max greets her at the door, saying that they were almost ready - he had to make sure the children’s teeth were brushed. Lisa glances apprehensively at Jacqui, who offers to do that for Max, but Max insists and goes upstairs with Harry and Emma. Left on their own, Lisa attempts some small talk with Jacqui, whilst Jacqui is nervously trying to zip the bag.
Lisa comments on the fact that Jacqui seems to spend an inordinate amount of time at the Farnhams’, but Jacqui says she enjoys it. She’s able to spend more time with Harry and she enjoys the company of Max and the children. Lisa promises that she plans to take a more active role in Harry’s and Emma’s upbringing, so the burden on Jacqui would be relieved.
Jacqui assures her that this is no burden, but Lisa insists that she must have a life of her own - at least, friends, a family and a business to run. Jacqui is insistent, but Lisa calmly reaches over and easily zips the suitcase shut, reiterating her promise to ease Jacqui’s burden.
The deceptive Rachel and her cohort Miserable Kate approach a waiting taxi, all prepared to go to the Chapel of Rest. At the last moment, Katie is unsure she wants to go. Rachel reminds her that when she went to see Beth at the Chapel of Rest, she found it very comforting. It was a way of saying good-bye. Katie still isn’t sure. After all, the Flint’s been on ice for two months; she isn’t sure how he’ll look. (Aw, go on, and sure, they have brilliant morticians in Liverpool - I mean, Susannah was two months in her coffin in Maxie’s front room and she looked as fresh as a daisy). Rachel replies that if the undertakers weren’t sure about anything, they wouldn’t have had a viewing room with an open coffin.
Re-vsiting the Johnson abode, Mick is preparing to leave for work and looking as though he’s on top of the world. He informs Vonnie that he’s going to stop by the register office to see the earliest wedding dates available, then he’s going to the travel agents to pick up some brochures on holiday venues. He’ll bring back all the information and leave it to Vonnie to decide whether she wants to get married in Liverpool or wing it out to the Carribbean for a beachside ceremony. As Jerome passes by, Mick takes the opportunity to ask him how he’d like combining a holiday in the Carribbean with attending his mother’s wedding. Jerome laughs and remarks how keen Mick is. Mick comments that he can’t wait too long to get married.
At this point, Vonnie interjects to warn Mick on the intemperate speed of his planning. ‘At this rate,’ she jokes, ‘people will think I’m pregnant.’
Mick replies that of course, that wouldn’t be true, as he’s had the chop; however, he reflects, if - after the ceremony - Vonnie would feel the need to have a child, he’d willingly have a reversal procedure done. With a smile on his face, he departs, leaving Vonnie in shocked silence.
When he’s gone, Jerome sits down beside his mother. He laughs at how keen Mick is, with all his talk about weddings and babies; but Vonnie doesn’t see the funny side of it. Jerome tells her how pleased he is for her and Mick, saying that Mick had become increasingly like a father figure to him since his own dad died. Curiously, Yvonne begins to question Jerome about Mick’s association with Susannah. Disarmingly, Jerome tells her that the Susannah-Mick relationship was one of the wierdest he’d ever witnessed. It was like, one minute there was nothing between them, and the next, they were planning a wedding.
Vonnie emits an almost imperceptible shudder at the uncanniness of her situation and the similarities with Susannah, and she voices this concern. Jerome doesn’t understand, and Vonnie finally confesses to her son that although she is fond of Mick, she doesn’t want to marry him.
Rachel and Miserable Kate arrive at the aptly named Chapel of Rest. As they enter the room where lies the remains of the Sainted Clint the Flint, Katie stops. There mourning less than quietly by the open coffin (with the corpse unseen) are three women, one of whom is Clint the Flint’s mother. Katie stops, unable to go any further. Rachel looks uneasy and suggests that perhaps they should wait until the trio of weeping Nellies leave, but just at that moment, Ma Moffatt turns and sights Katie. (I don’t know who the actress is, but boy, does she have the look of one of the Great Unwashed Underclass, exactly the type who would spawn such degenerates as Gobby and Flint, and then defend their low lives to the hilt).
She approaches Katie loov and introduces her two accomplices as relatives. Katie, wisely, introduces her friend as just ‘Rachel’. Ma Moffatt remarks on how peaceful Flint looks, before she notices that Katie is wearing the engagement ring that Clint the Flint had bought for her. She tearfully remarks that her beloved and gentle boy (who was no less than a liar, a thug and extremely stupid in reality) never had the opportunity to see her wearing it. And looking heavenward, Ma Moffatt exclaims, ‘Oh why did he have to have a goon in the house!’ (And she wasn’t referring to the fact that Ron Dixon had either an Arsenal supporter or Spike Milligan lodging in his house. Actually, she would do better to ask what the hell her dolt of a son was doing in that house in the first place. She might be surprised). She leaves noisily, reminding Katie that she would see her at the funeral on Friday. (Crikey, were I Katie, I’d be on my knees thanking my Maker from sparing me familial associations with that lot!)
After they depart, Katie and Rachel hesitantly approach the coffin. Katie looks at what WE know to be emptiness, which is just about as apt a description of Clint when he was alive. Rachel looks first, assuring Katie that Flint does, indeed, look very peaceful. Katie shudders, turning away, remarking that it doesn’t even look like Clint; it looks as though Clint had been at her make-up bag. She then starts the old ‘poor poor pitiful me’ routine, and, folks, Linda Ronstadt couldn’t have sung it better. How she shouldn’t be here gazing at his corpse, she should be in Spain planning their wedding yadda yadda yadda YAWN.
In the meantime, Katie’s ex- and only true friend Jacqui is standing with Lisa in the Farnham kitchen, watching Max have a last minute playtime with Harry and Emma in the back garden. Glancing sideways out of her sly eyes at Jacqui, Lisa remarks that Jacqui and Max have spent an extraordinary amount of time together since Susannah’s death. Jacqui acknowledges that to be the case. Lisa wonders if Jacqui could possibly feel more than just friendship for Max. Could she be attracted to him? Slightly taken aback, Jacqui fakes it and replies that she and Max are nothing more than just close friends. Sure, they have Harry between them, and that will always be a bond, but aside from that, there was nothing.
Good, says Lisa decisively. Because Max needs to interact and find a romantic interest and she knows just the person. In fact, it’s the friend they are visiting with the farmhouse in the South of France. They have so much in common - both divorced and with children, both from similar backgrounds. She was absolutely certain they would hit it off. In fact, the woman in question had met Max ages ago, although Max wouldn’t remember - but he did make a great impression on her. That was one of the reasons Lisa had invited Max along on the trip. Jacqui’s face immediately registers the sinking of her heart.
Mick is walking on air along the Parade when he runs into Jessie Shadwick, who offers her profuse congratulations on the news of his wedding. Mick shows her the holiday brochures he’s just obtained and is telling her about the couple’s plans perhaps to wed abroad, when the bus approaches and Tim alights. He spies Mick and Jessie and tries to make himself scarce, but Mick hails him. Tim says he knows that Mick’s rent is due and he will pay it. Mick asks for it, but Tim says he doesn’t have it. Mick leaves him with a flea in his ear about wanting the rent within the week. Tim looks despondent.
Just at that moment, a taxi approaches the Parade and Rachel and Miserable Kate alight. In the background, we see Mike Dixon hobbling toward the pair. Katie is thanking Rachel for accompanying her and asks if she can go with her to Flint’s funeral on Friday. Rachel doesn’t really think she can. It was all she could do to sneak away today. Just at that moment, Mike shouts at her and Katie disappears inside.
He approaches his wife, demanding to know what she’s playing at, telling him that she was visiting Sinbad when all the time she was consorting with Katie Rogers. She needn’t try to lie, because Mike saw the pair of them getting out of the taxi. Rachel tries to explain that she lied because she knew there’d be trouble following her actions. All she was doing was trying to give Katie a little support. Mike reminds her that Ron deserves her support as well. Rachel informs Mike that she’s going to the funeral on Friday with Katie, but Mike is adamant that she isn’t. In fact, she is to stay well away from Katie Rogers.
Max and the kids are all prepared to go and they are packing kids and suitcases in Lisa’s car. Suddenly, Lisa remembers something that she’s forgotten inside the house and she disappears. Jacqui confesses to Max that she feels awful at his going now. She can’t even kiss him good-bye. Max promises her that as soon as the moment is right, he’ll reveal the nature of their relationship to Lisa.
Jacqui explains to him that this holiday is for the purposes of Lisa matchmaking Max with a friend of hers, whom she reckons to be made for Max. Jacqui is undestandably worried, but Max scoffs at the idea. As Lisa approaches, he assures her that he’ll only be gone for a fortnight and that he WILL call her. Jacqui looks heartbroken as the car pulls away.
Over at the Murrays, Diane has returned from work, only to have Marty relate the events surrounding his bust-up with Geoff. He tells her how Geoff has twisted the tale of what happened to suit his purposes, implying that Diane was drunk. Diane swears adamantly that she only had two drinks the entire evening, and she’s appalled that Geoff would lie so.
Just at that moment, the Plank returns from his life on the ocean waves. He’s none too pleased with either of his parents. Sarcastically, he tells them that neither Geoff nor Trona were coming in, as they didn’t want a repeat of the scenes that occurred this morning. Diane is angry that Geoff has lied and implied that she was too drunk to understand his innocent motives. After all, she remarks, SHE was the one who was the injured party in this affair and SHE’S being made to feel the guilty party.
The Plank, however, makes it clear that he doesn’t believe Diane’s version of events. Again, Diane says that she only had two glasses of wine the entire evening and the Plank knew that. The Plank says he didn’t know what she got up to when he and Trona left. Marty is affronted and asks him point-blank if he believes his step-mother’s version. Plank admits that he doesn’t believe Diane.
Summary © 2001 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2001