Have you noticed something about Brookside lately? How the individual scenes are shorter, choppier, as if they are trying to deceive the viewers into believing that we're witnessing an action-packed half-hour? Hmmm ... Looks can be deceiving. Or maybe the Brookie media types have been doing their research and actually BELIEVE that their viewers' attention spans are no longer than 3 minutes.
Tonight, however, we got a bargain ... Or so they would have us believe. We got TWO SHOWS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE!!! What we really got was shafted ... Ooops! There's that double entendre again, something that was extremely de trop tonight.
Tonight we had normal, ordinary Brookside AS WELL AS a brilliant, innovative sitcom ... Not. Something which combined the innocent, wholesome values of the good old-fashioned 1950's-style family sitcom (or Oxo commercial) with the knife-edged guttersnipe humour of the 90's. My Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Brookside (cue music do-doo-do-doo-do-doo-da-DUMMMMM) and introduce you to The Murray Show (cue the theme song to the Irn-Bru commercial do-do-do-do-do-do-da-da-da-do-do-do-do-do-da-da). Wonder if there'll be a spin-off?
It's morning at the Murrays', an average Liverpudlian family, consisting of a loveably inept Dad, an omniscient, ever-smiling Blessed Mother, and three lovely-jubbly kids. This morning Dad Marty Murray is ACTUALLY going to work! He may even make it on time. Blessed Mother Murray is ironing and hurrying her family along - well, part of her family. The only daughter and the youngest son are nowhere to be seen. Blessed Mother gees Plank up. He'd better hurry, or he'd be late to work as well. Plank is doing his best to try to appear worried and downcast, but a plank of wood somehow finds it difficult to express emotion.
In fact, Plank announces that he isn't going to work today. Marty at once realises that Plank's avoidance of work has nothing to do with the family's genetic disease of workshyness. Rather, it has to do with the fact that he has told the Two-Watt Bulb he's dating that he doesn't want to get engaged to her, yet. He's not exactly worried. He's AFRAID of facing the Two-Watt Bulb's father, who happens to be his boss. Marty is proud that Plank showed enough integrity not to be swept along with TWB's automatic assumption of marriage; but Plank is quick to remind Marty that is was MARTY who gave him the advice about not rushing into marriage in the first place.
Marty advises Plank not to allow himself to be bullied by Geoff, the way Ant is being bullied at school at the moment. Blessed Mother viciously digs Marty in the ribs with her elbow, whilst retaining the rigid smile that's permanently fixed on her face. She's sure that Plank is doing the right thing, but - oh dear - is he finished with the TWB?
Plank admits that he still likes TWB and wants to continue seeing her. Actually, that's the REAL reason he's not going to work. He's arranged to see TWB to sort things out with her and plans to meet her later at Bev's Bar (is there anywhere else?).
Marty Murray announces that he's late for work (what else is new?) and departs, as the Blessed Mother calls after him to remember her injection is due at 2:30. Marty promises he'll be home in time.
The local Brookie bus pulls into The Parade. Naughty Nurse Nisha descends to greet Rachel, who is pushing Beth in the pushchair. Rachel asks Nisha how Katie is and Nisha informs her that Katie has gone away for a few days to visit Sammy, her sister. In fact, it was Nisha's suggestion that Katie go. She thought a family visit might take Katie's mind off events of late. (Of course, we hard-core Brookie viewers suspect that, not only does Rnisha value her independence, we highly suspect that she's royally pissed off by the presence of Poor Pitiful Katie and her incessant self-pity, Dixon-baiting and hating and her general miserable wet weekend face. And since Sammy Rogers is cut from the same cloth as Nisha, we suspect it won't be too long before Nisha's style is cramped by the presence of Katie yet again).
Rachel asks Nisha to make sure Katie calls her upon her return; but then she thinks better of this and suggests that it's best that Rachel will call Katie instead. (Rachel is a bit slow in this respect). But Nisha doesn't miss a trick. 'Don't want to get caught talking to the enemy?' She asks.
Rachel looks uncomfortable and tries to say that she might be out when Katie calls, that's all.
Nikki and Bev are talking in the Bar. Bev is still badgering Nikki about the state of things as they are with Jerome. She wants to know if Nikki is still serious about her marriage proposal to Jerome, or has she bottled out. Far from it. Nikki informs her that she has issued an ultimatum - either Jerome agrees to her proposal of marriage or they are through. Bev is astounded. She tries to explain to Nikki how dodgy it is to force someone into marriage. Has Jerome given her an answer yet? Well, no he hasn't, but he will. Bev thinks he should give it sooner, rather than later. In fact, Nikki should make every effort to find out now. Nikki explains yet again that this was her way of discovering whether or not Jerome actually wanted to be with her. Bev suggests that she ring him, but Nikki adroitly avoids Bev's suggestion by suddenly becoming absorbed in cleaning the top of the bar.
Over at the Dixons', Jacqui has come to visit. Only Rachel is at home. Jacqui apologises for coming by unannounced, especially if Rachel has just got Beth off to sleep. Rachel says Beth is settled and invites Jacqui in, saying she's glad of the company, but she actually seems rather narky that Jacqui's appeared at all.
Rachel offers to make Jacqui a drink and Jacqui accepts, sitting down. As she does so, she remarks how lucky Rachel is to have Mike. Rachel snorts unattractively. She doesn't think she's so lucky at all. In fact, she's envious of Jacqui and would LOVE to lead the lifestyle Jacqui leads - no strings, fancy free, able to do what she likes, plenty of money. (Rachel, like Katie, is so jealous of Jacqui and so dissatisfied with her own lot in life, that she fabricates a glamourous existence for Jacqui. Maybe Rachel should TRY to look at the people around her in order to try to understand what's exactly going on here. No, that would tax her integrity).
Jacqui is surprised. Her lifestyle isn't at all what it might appear to be. Does Rachel honestly think Jacqui's out clubbing every night? (Is Rachel so thick and shallow that she would imagine Jacqui out pulling blokes and kicking up her hills whilst her dad is in a remand centre?) Jacqui hasn't been out in ages. And as a matter of fact, Rachel is only the second person Jacqui's spoken to all day, the first being an employee of the health club, whom Jacqui had instructed to clean by the side of the pool. No, Rachel doesn't know how lucky she is to have Mike and Beth.
Suddenly a light goes on in Rachel's vacant head. She realises that Jacqui misses Katie. After all, they were practically joined at the hip. Jacqui sadly nods. She really does miss Katie's companionship; but Katie can't seem to separate their friendship from what Ron has done. Rachel, who suffers from congenital tactlessness, points out that Ron did kill Clint, but Jacqui is quick to remind her that the killing was an accident.
Rachel realises that, but Katie doesn't. Then Jacqui RIGHTLY says that Katie doesn't have to treat Jacqui as though Jacqui's responsible for the killing. Rachel then offers the best comfort she can give Jacqui - the fact that Jacqui and Katie can never be friends again. (So why don't the Brookie writers just give Rachel a knife so she can stab Jacqui?)
Jacqui asks Rachel if she's seen Katie around. Rachel says that she understands that Katie is away for a few days, visiting Sammy. Jacqui asks her how she knows this and Rachel tells her that she ran into Nisha.
Of course, Nisha, surmises Jacqui. Katie's new 'bezzy mate' - and to think that only a few months prior to that, Katie was ready to burn Nisha. (This is true).
Rachel then tells Jacqui that Mike has forbidden her to associate with Katie. Jacqui is aghast. In her opinion, Mike wants to grow up. She certainly hopes Rachel isn't going to pay any attention to that sort of rubbish; and Rachel assures her that she's not. (Actually, Jacqui, if Rachel were a stronger person, she'd be seeking to resolve the differences between you and Katie; but she isn't ... So Mike Dikko is right.)
Jacqui, on the other hand, is feeling a mite sorry for herself. In fact, she's never felt so alone in her life.
Rachel assures her that she's not alone - she still has Rachel and Mike. Jacqui reminds Rachel that SHE has Mike and she also has a fifteen month-old daughter. (Actually, at the time of broadcast, Beth is 18 MONTHS OLD, having been born on 1st January 2000 - Shame on you Brookie writers, but did you write this episode in March?). Rachel replies that Jacqui has Harry.
Yes, Jacqui admits, she has Harry. And she sees more of him now than ever before and loves it. But the fact remains that Jacqui wants a fella. And she begins to bemoan the fact that every fella she's ever gone out with has ended up going down the pan and specifically mentions Nathan (who essentially did nothing wrong) and Gobby Blobby Robbie the Yobbie. (Some things are best left unsaid - Carl Banks robbed her of her virginity, Shane died and Ben got left in a wheelchair).
Rachel mentions Harry again, and Jacqui admits that actually, she's seeing Harry later, when she'll be doing her daily caring for him and Emma. Well, there you go, says Rachel. Jacqui isn't alone. Anyway, she still has her, Mike and Beth - but really, remarks Rachel, it was almost as though Harry, Emma and Max were Jacqui's family now. They seem to be inseparable. Then Rachel has the second bright idea of her life. Why, it's funny - if Max Farnham were about 20 years younger, he'd be the perfect fella for Jacqui. As Rachel says this, a really weird (and I DO mean WEIRD) look crosses Jacqui's face.
In the meantime, there's mass pandemonium at The Salon. For some reason, Brigid seems to be holding down the fort, phone in one hand, demanding order amidst the chaos, as the Blessed Mother, less than pleased, comes through the door. Brigid announces that the Blessed Mother has entered The Salon and all will be saved from a bad hair day. Blessed Mother Murray mutters something about it being her day off and snatches the phone from Brigid's hand. She has to ring Marty, who appears to be struggling to fix a radiator at Brookie Comp. (So he DOES actually work there?)
Next door at the Bar, TWB sits nervously as Plank enters. Almost as soon as he arrives, she berates him for being 5 minutes late, saying that if he really loved her, he'd arrive on time. (This is where TWB and Plank, courtesy of the Brookie writers, pretend to be Courtney Cox and Matthew Perry in Friends; so this scene is supposed to be witty, yet poignant).
TWB is surprised Plank wanted to see her today. Does this mean he's finishing with her properly? Plank makes an attempt at being patient, but comes across as a plod - a plodding plank. He doesn't want to finish with her at all. He still wants to keep seeing her, he just thinks it's a bit soon to be engaged, that's all. Plank reminds her that TWB has lived all her life, having her every wish fulfilled - big house, rich parents, everything she wanted.
He tells her that if they married now, their lives would be one continuous struggle. She'd be working at the creche and he'd be working all hours. Most of any money they saved would go for a deposit on a flat - and a small one at that. There'd be none of the room to which she was accustomed - and no room at all for her 38 pairs of shoes. Actually, 39, says TWB ... She bought a pair of sandals the day before. (Cue canned laughter). Well, there you go, says Plank. All the money they'd earn, if they married now, would go on a mortgage and living expenses. They'd have no spare money - she wouldn't be able to add to her shoe collection and he wouldn't be able to go to Liverpool FC.
The noble Plank says he loves her, but he wants to be able to make enough money to keep her in the style to which she is accustomed. And if that means scrimping, saving and working hard for a few years, then she would have to be prepared to wait. All the time that Plank is saying these things, TWB is making sobbing noises, but shedding no tears and wiping her dry eyes with dry tissues, which accumulate in droves around the small table. (Cue more canned laughter). As Plank finishes his soliloquy, TWB brightens up to a fair glow. She's so happy he doesn't want to finish with her. She couldn't wait to tell her dad, who's due to arrive any moment.
Plank is horrified. Did she tell her father? Of course, she did. And he was on his way over here today to have a word with Plank for upsetting her. But now there was no need, as they had sorted the situation out themselves.
Interlude: Marty Murray returns home to an empty house, only to find a post-it note from Blessed Mother, informing him that she was called into work.
Bev, meantime, is still nagging Nikki. For the millionth time, she warns Nikki of the pitfalls of forcing someone into marriage. As she nags her, into the bar walk Max, Mick and Jerome, who is wearing a tie. Bev encourages Nikki to ask Jerome for his answer, but Nikki again avoids her. Max and Mick take a table and Jerome goes to the bar to order two lagers (presumably for him and Mick) and a white wine for Max (such a stereotypical social statement). He gives Nikki the order, studiously avoiding her eyes; but he does try to broach the subject. Nikki brushes him aside, telling him they could talk about it later at home, as Bev didn't like bar staff fraternising during their shift.
Marty arrives at The Salon, unconvincingly hiding the syringe and needle under his jacket. He is whisked away to the tiny room at the rear (about the size of a confessional) by the ubiquitously grinning Blessed Mother. Brigid looks suitably bewildered.
Geoff Evans breezes into the Bar and gives Bev his order, paying with a £20 note and ostentatiously telling her to keep the change. Bev dubiously takes the note and, making a sarcastic remark to Nikki about its and Geoff's authenticity, checks the watermark. Geoff, in the meantime, spies Plank and takes a seat opposite him. TWB is nowhere to be seen, but Plank explains that she's had to pop back to the Nursery for a moment (I suppose she suddenly remembered that she had a business to run). Geoff immediately goes into stern dad mode, demanding to know why Plank has upset his 'Princess', which no one is allowed to do.
Again, like a plodding lawyer, Plank explains his position. He felt that, at the moment, he and TWB shouldn't marry. He wanted to wait until he was able to provide for her along the lines to which she was accustomed, that's all. In fact, he'd already explained this to TWB and she agreed with him. For a moment, Geoff is silent. Then suddenly he rises, looking serious, and motions Plank to stand also. Plank is worried, but he needn't be; for as soon as he's on his feet, Geoff breaks into a grin and gives him a bear-hug. He couldn't be more pleased that Plank is showing uncommon good sense. Why, he was worried about that exact same thing. Listen, he tells Plank, he married young himself and look what happened to his marriage - all down to the fact that in the early days of his marriage, he was working all hours to provide a home and a lifestyle for his wife. No, Plank was entirely right to want to wait.
At that moment, TWB appears, looking apprehensive. But Geoff explains that he and Plank have sorted the whole matter out. It seems that it isn't that Plank doesn't WANT to marry TWB - he'd just rather wait until the couple were financially more secure. But Geoff can help with that. He's been meaning to speak to Plank for awhile and thinks Plank could do with a pay rise, something in the area of £20k. And, as Plank has been such a good, hard worker lately, he's going to give him a bonus, right there and then, of a tax-free lump of £1,000, and proceeds to write a cheque. TWB is all aglow, as she hugs a bemused Plank and exclaims that now they can afford an engagement ring (a statement which proves that a two-watt bulb is, indeed, very dim).
Bev watches Nikki watch Jerome at the table with Max and Mick. Again, she urges her to confront Jerome about an answer, but she refuses, insisting that she'll talk to him about this after her shift is finished. Bev then tells Nikki that she's going to pop next door to The Salon to book an appointment for a cut and blow-dry. As she leaves, Jerome tries to approach Nikki again to talk, but a frightened Nikki again brushes him off.
Bev enters The Salon and approaches a worried-looking Brigid to book an appointment. Brigid is visibly distracted, glancing apprehensively toward the closed door at the end of the salon. But she manages to put Bev's appointment in the book anyway. Bev, then, tries to start a meaningless conversation with Brigid about Ron Dixon, reiterating her point that she thinks Ron should be given a medal for acting in defence of his family. Brigid is now looking very worried and not listening at all, all of her attention being focused on the back room and the silly, giggly sounds emanating from within.
Bev asks the whereabouts of the Blessed Mother, but suddenly she, too, hears the bovine laughter etc from the back. As only Bev can be, she becomes curious and approaches it. Brigid explains that the Blessed Mother is within and with Marty. Bev wants to know what's going on, as the viewers are treated to some snippets of vintage 1960's Carry On dialogue, with Marty taking the role of Jim Dale and Blessed Mother of the Bleached Hair doing a turn as Babs Windsor. Examples:
'Hurry up!'
'I can't get it in.'
'I'll have to go up your backside.'
'Oops! Just a quick in and out.'
Giggle. Giggle. Giggle.
Bev looks curious, and an embarrassed Brigid explains that this is part of Blessed Mother's 'treatment'.
'Right here in The Salon?' Exclaims Bev.
At that moment, the door opens and Blessed Mother and Marty appear, the fixed smile even more frozen on Blessed Mother's face and Marty holding a syringe aloft.
(Cue laughter from the viewing audience. Sorry, the silence is deafening).
Back at the bar, Jerome rises from the table and says he has to leave. Max asks him if he plans on working that evening. (Apparently, Jerome still works at the restaurant). Jerome nods and says he has a class to attend.
After he leaves, Mick asks Max how he's coping. Max is in fine spirits, and says that he's doing well. Then he starts extolling the virtues of Jacqui, saying that he couldn't have coped half as much if it hadn't been for her. With all the troubles she's been having lately, she always finds time for him and the kids.
Mick asks if he thinks Jacqui will want to get custody of Harry. Max shakes his head, saying that Jacqui can see Harry whenever she wants. In fact, she's looking after the kids right now. Mick jokes that most people envy Max, and Max is curious. Mick says that most men their age would love a twentysomething woman willing to 'cook and clean' for them. Max gets the gist and hastens to explain that he and Jacqui are merely friends, but Mick assures him that that's not how other people see it.
Meanwhile, Jerome is attending his class. It's called Persistent Deception 101 and takes place on The Parade, outside the surgery. He's waiting for his instructor, the Naughty Nurse, to appear. Soon she does, berating him for continuing to bother her. He insists that he's stayed away from her, but she maintains that he still rings her constantly, leaving message on her answerphone and Voicemail, even bothering her at the clinic, waiting outside like a lovesick puppy for her to appear.
But Jerome is ill. He's consumed with that illness that's travelled up the motorway from the East End of London. HE HAS TO TALK. Nisha is unimpressed and turns to go inside the clinic. Jerome, in an effort to stop her from leaving blurts out that Nikki has issued an ultimatum - either he agree to marry her or they are through.
Nisha tells him that's his problem and asks him what he's going to do. Jerome is disconsolate. He says he's not sure he wants to get married. Nisha says he's just answered his own question, doubt being tantamount with giving Nikki a negative answer. But Jerome maintains that he doesn't want to let her down, he really likes her. Nisha asks him if he loves her enough to marry her and Jerome hesitates. At the same time, he feels he doesn't want to lose her.
Nisha laughs harshly. Of course, he doesn't. Why, Nikki is his favourite charity case. Ministering to her traumatic needs and enhancing her self-esteem makes HIM feel good. That's not love. But Nisha can't tell him what to do. What she can tell him, however, for the umpteenth time, is that they do not have a future together and if he breaks up with Nikki, he shouldn't expect a future with Nisha. And she returns to the clinic.
Jerome then, with a determined but petulant look on his face, strides into the Bar to find Nikki. He confronts her, but Nikki, frightened, doesn't want to talk. Jerome then tells her that he's thought about her proposal and wants to marry her. A delighted Nikki hugs him, exclaiming in wonder that Jerome has 'chosen' her.
Bev returns to the Bar with Brigid, Marty and the Blessed Mother. As she serves the Blessed Mother and Brigid at the bar, she questions them about what was going on in the back room of The Salon. Blessed Mother explains that it's part of her IVF treatment - she has to have a hormone injection every day at the same time. Bev remarks that she hasn't had anyone inject hormones into her like that in months (careful, Bev, you're supposed to be a newlywed). She asks if the NHS covers this, but Blessed Mother says no, they are having it done privately, at a humongous cost of £3,000.
Bev quips that had they gone to Jacqui Dixon, it would have cost them £30k. (Cue laughter. No? Oh, all right then, the writers tried).
Anyway, Blessed Mother explains, the hormones ensure that she produces many eggs, instead of one egg monthly. Then the IVF clinic 'harvests' her eggs, implanting three into her uterus. The rest are frozen. (Er, Blessed Mother, good Catholic that you are, have you thought about the future of these embryos, or are you about to bankrupt Marty annually? Still, you could always make a few bob off them - like calling the Kilshaws for a start).
Later, seated at a table, Blessed Mother and Marty are anxious to describe to Brigid in lurid detail, Marty's part in 'the harvesting of the eggs' - thinking they want to explain exactly how his part is important. (I suppose the writers realise that some viewers might think that Marty Murray is a w*nker; well, here's the proof!) This is supposed to be another family sitcom funny moment. It's just gross and in bad taste.
Max Farnham returns home. Jacqui is waiting for him, having bathed the kids and put them to bed. She's got dinner in the oven. Max remarks that she's probably anxious to leave and Jacqui says that she's got nothing planned for the evening, whereupon Max suggests that she stay and spend sometime with him. He fixes them both a drink. Jacqui makes a remark about Robbie and Max asks if she's seen him. Weirdly, Jacqui says that the last time she saw Robbie was in Court, but she didn't speak to him. Max says that, he knows it sounds trite, but it's better Jacqui found out about Robbie's true nature when she did.
Jacqui muses that she and Max have a lot in common, always falling in love with insuitable people (actually, Jacqui, I'd say you have a lot more in common with Mick Johnson, in that respect). Max pensively agrees and they toast each other. Jacqui then takes the bull by the horns and asks if Max will do her a favour. He agrees, wondering what the request might be, saying, 'Anything you want.'
Jacqui asks him to kiss her. For a moment, Max hesitates, then says he DID say he'd do anything she wanted. He tentatively leans toward her and plants a light kiss on her mouth, before he takes her in his arms and kisses her passionately.
Summary © 2001 Marion Watts
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2001