Well, it's finally here - the opening night of the Millennium Club (assuming of course that you discount the New Year's Eve opening night, which might have been for the health club bit only, or something - why don't they explain these things properly, eh?).
Jacqui Dixon is perusing the guest list. Why? I don't know. It's a bit late to do anything about it now anyway, as she realises herself when she spots that the names of Rose and Alisdair Finnegan feature. She looks at Lindsey:
"What the hell are the Finnegans doing on the guest list?" she, not so much asks, but *squeals* in horror.
"If they're here, they won't be causing any trouble will they?" responds Lindsey in the hope that Jacqui will accept this as a serious answer to her question.
In fact, accept this, Jacqui does - possibly because Lindsey by now, has gone on to add that Callum's name is definitely *not* on the list. (The assumption here, seems to be that since his name's not down, then he won't be coming - I bet you thought Lindsey would have known him better than that, didn't you?)
Susannah turns up late and very flustered. She's been hanging around the house for forty-five minutes waiting for Greg to leave his front garden so that she could nip past without bumping into him. Almost immediately (it seems), you-know-who appears at the Club (he obviously got changed pretty damn quickly then!). Fortunately for Susannah, Lindsey spots him first and keeps him chatting whilst Jacqui manoeuvres Suse out through the door. I say Lindsey kept him chatting; in actual fact, they swop a series of barbed comments and it's clear that there's certainly no love lost between those two. Once Susannah has made a successful exit, Lindsey leaves Greg in the Shelf (oh, how badly, I want to say *on* the Shelf!).
Shortly afterwards Susannah, encouraged by Jacqui and R'Linds, summons up the courage to approach Greg with a view to finally finishing the relationship. However, Greg's got the same idea and gets in first. They both reluctantly agree that the affair has to end and Greg is left wiping a tear from his eye as Susannah walks away... pauses, turns, and looks back at him, longingly, with a 'I really don't want to do this, but I know I must' look.
Over at the parade flats, Darren arrives back early to find Victoria in the midst of beautifying herself for the Millennium Club 'do'. In fact, when he walks in, her face is hidden behind a bright blue face-pack (sp?) which she tries (and fails) to hide from him. There then follows a series of cringe-inducing cliché-filled exchanges ("Trust me, I'm a doctor" and "Fancy a shag?" amongst them - oh purr-lease!) before the two of them finally get their wicked way with each other.
And no, we didn't get an explanation as to why they've now managed it on the spur of the moment when previous episodes have seen them juggling their respective diaries in order to see each other. Come on - they share the same flat - it's not that hard. If they were keen enough, they'd have *made* the time, surely?
Anyway, back at the Millennium Club, the first guests are arriving just as Lindsey and Susannah walk into the main bar area - a maroon and gold affair which we've never clapped eyes on before. Neither, so it would seem, has Susannah (yeah, right!), who exclaims: "Doesn't it look *fantastic*?".
Lindsey is approached by someone who we soon discover is "Shelly the Interior Designer". Shelly the Interior Designer tells Lindsey that Rose Finnegan had suggested that she introduces herself and says "hello". Lindsey is so completely thrown by this woman's drivel that she fails to respond with the obvious question of "and how did *you* get on the guest list?" which is the thought which went through *my* mind.
Shelly the Interior Designer then delightedly spotted Rose and Alisdair arriving with, yes, Callum in tow.
"A-ha" says Callum immediately starting to tease Lindsey (albeit in his own rather inimitable style rather than that of Steve Coogan's Brookie-inspired creation).
"What's *he* doing here?" asks Lindsey, shocked.
"That's a nice way to greet your guests, I must say" answers Callum.
"The invite was to *you* two" interjects Jacqui, directing her comment at Rose and Alisdair.
"We're a *family*" states Alisdair, sternly.
"Yes, we are" adds Callum. "Hey, we *all* are" he continues, stretching his arms wide in an embrace-like motion. Then, looking at Lindsey, he adds:
"And you look... something like... *ravishing* comes to mind." He chuckles as he is led away by Alisdair. Nice to see this character's still on form!
"Paranoid, am I?" Jacqui asks Lindsey when the Finnegans are out of earshot. "The whole things gonna go pear-shaped. I know it is." She looks *very* concerned.
Well Jacqui, it sounds like you've been consulting the Stones of Shad, to me. Didn't believe them, did you? "Cheap builder's aggregate", eh? Hmm, you've got *every* right to look concerned, if you ask me.
Greg and Susannah, although having agreed to split up, couldn't resist one more fling "to say goodbye properly". Susannah leads Greg into the female changing rooms and when Greg tries to ask what she's up to, Susannah goes into the shower, turns it on and instructs him to "Shut up and strip".
"Come on Greg" she calls impatiently. "Do you want a night to remember or not?"
Back in the main bar, Lindsey is being hounded by Shelly the Interior Designer, who for some reason, seems very taken with R'Linds. She even refuses (rather curtly) a drink from Mick, whom Jacqui has sent over in the hope of 'rescuing' Lindsey from her 'new friend'. Mind you, this isn't the only problem with which Lindsey is trying to contend - she's also trying to keep an eye on Callum, who's taken up one of his favourite pastimes, that of pulling silly faces.
Perhaps fed up with making long-distance gestures, Callum then tries to strike up a conversation on the subject of what is apparently, another of his hobbies:
"Do any of you play golf?" he asks. "Mikey?"
"No, I don't, Callumy" replies Mick.
"I suppose you're a bit like myself, not finding too many welcomes in the English middle-class hillsides. That's why I prefer the Algarve. Better class of outcast. I keep trying to get our Lindsey here, to join me. In fact, I'm driving down tonight." He looks in Lindsey's direction. "Wanna come?"
Fortunately, at this point, Alisdair appears and literally drags Callum away by the scruff of his neck (again!). Like it!
"Didn't you leave an engine running somewhere?" Alisdair asks him.
"Oh, my engine's *always* running around R'Lindsey."
"I think the phrase you're looking for is... goodbye" Alisdair suggests.
"So it is. Well Linds, as my brother is hinting, I have to be a party-pooper and go. I've got to put some balls in some holes." [If only I could make this *sound* like Callum!]
"Say goodbye" instructs Alisdair.
Callum does indeed then proceed to say goodbye - several times in fact and after a rather protracted series of farewells, he looks around the bar room and departs, commenting:
"Oh, fair place. Ought to go down a bomb."
Outside, Callum climbs into the passenger seat of a waiting car. He's dialling a number on his mobile phone. Whilst doing this, he looks at the driver.
"Everything set?" he asks.
"Yes" comes the reply.
"Excellento" <and into the mobile phone:> "Er, Lindsey Corkhill, please" <to the driver> "You take it. Say... we wish her well. We know it's going to be a blast... in five minutes. No. Four minutes, 59... 58... 57... 56..." Callum laughs to himself.
In the Club, Lindsey is taking a phone call: "What? Are you serious? Hello? HELLO?"
Back outside, the driver passes the phone back to Callum and the car moves off.
In the Club bar, Lindsey is becoming distraught. She interrupts Jacqui:
"There's a bomb in here. We've got to evacuate."
Lindsey activates the fire alarm and everyone makes for the exits. Susannah and Greg are still in the shower; the sound of the running water masking the noise of the fire bell.
Lindsey then heads towards the kitchens but as she starts walking there's an explosion and one of the catering staff comes somersaulting across the floor and crashes into the far wall. Tumbling masonry and shattering glass is everywhere to be seen. The water in the swimming pool starts bubbling up as if it's boiling (!) and the poolside windows in The Shelf restaurant are blown out, sending glass and debris into the water.
Lindsey is knocked to the floor and once the effects of the blast have subsided, she is, (although somewhat bloodied and bruised) able to crawl to safety, which is more than can be said for Susannah and Greg - their naked bodies lie motionless amongst the rubble...
So that's saying "goodbye properly", is it?
Summary © 1999 Graeme Selway
Brookside and all related materials are © Mersey Television 1982-2001